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Thread: To hold grudges on ex or not?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Holding onto anger is exhausting and unhealthy. If you learn from previous experiences, this is what is key. The OP contributed to this 100%, and should take some responsibility for staying involved-been there, done that. Holding onto to grudges only causes trust issues and problems in future relationships.
    Why give the other individual so much power. Indifference is much better.
    I am indifferent in certain situations especially if I never see that person again for the rest of my life.

    Then there are certain people who are unavoidable such as extended family members whom I eventually must cross paths with as we all reside locally, unfortunately! They're the types who act all cheery as if I have amnesia. Sorry, that's not going to work for me. I'm like an elephant and never forget anything. They've said and done some wicked acts to me which is unforgivable. I'm no longer 'Little Miss Merry Sunshine' following numerous, countless offenses.

    It's those very grudges that are constant reminders for me not to revert to my former sweet self anymore. As reiterated, I'm very polite, well mannered, peaceful, do my bit at the bare minimum whenever we reunite yet I'm frostily distant. It works. I'm civil yet give them the cold shoulder. None the wiser.

    Grudges remind me not to trust anymore nor dare dip my toe back into the water. Once bitten, twice shy.

    It's reverse psychology. I take something negative such as grudges and transform it into power and control in a functional, new dynamic. It's all in my favor because I now know how to navigate myself shrewdly. I haven't been hurt by them in years because I NO LONGER ALLOW it now that I play my cards right. In this case, I owe it all to grudges teaching me how to act for my own self protection. My only regret is I didn't know sooner. Better late than never!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    You've nailed the main reason why it's smart just to stay out of contact with exes and allow time and distance to work their magic healing powers. Sure, healing works best when we don't hold grudges, but in cases where we actually have a grudge, it's best to find a better focus so that we aren't nursing the grudge and amplifying it.

    Grudges have health consequences on ourselves, not anyone else. We get to decide the degree to which we want to continue hurting ourselves after someone else has started the job. Our best revenge is to move forward with a trust in our own resilience to help us bounce back.

    Healing isn't something that happens 'to' us, it requires our participation. This doesn't means we must forgive the unforgivable, it just means that we must avoid harming ourselves with it by drilling a deeper hole to climb out of.

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