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Thread: Getting TOO MUCH Attention for Him!!

  1. #1
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    Getting TOO MUCH Attention for Him!!

    I have been dating my BF who is 41 for over a year, I'm 37. He's tall, dark, and handsome, but also a sensitive, loving, and a really good man. We go out together to a lot of events i.e. concerts, plays, shows, etc. every weekend and we live in a fairly large city. I am tall, hourglass shaped size 4-6, dress nicely from head to toe, and have a great outgoing and friendly personality - but I am not flirtatious.
    Whenever we are together, there seems to be a "disrespectful incident" as he refers to it where a strange guy will just come up and start talking to me even though my BF may be standing right there or at least close enough that it's apparent I am not alone. I'm usually so focused on him when were together that I get caught totally off guard by the intrusions.

    Things really got out of hand last Saturday night when we went to an Upscale Cigar Bar after having a great dinner. I don't smoke them, but I find it very sexy to watch him, so I really enjoy going with him, which we do about once a month. He and I were sitting together at a table as he was smoking the cigar while we were talking, all of a sudden a guy came walking up to our table out of nowhere and introduced himself to both of us then turned to me and said "Don't I know you from somewhere? - Have you ever been to the XYZ Conference, I think I saw you there?" I looked at him and responded with "no because it's not even my field or profession, so no we've never met". He continued to stand there and stare at me, even when I redirected my attention back to my BF - talk about awkward. After leaving the Cigar Bar, we went to a local Comedy Club that required us to stand in line for longer than normal. When we final got up to the entrance, he proceeded to actually yell at the attendant about the long wait in an irate manner I had never seen him use before.

    Needless to say, when we got back to my place that night, he brought up the incident even referring to the guy by name saying "So what's up with Mike?" I responded who, he said "You know, your friend from the cigar bar". I then told him I had actually forgotten the guys name since I didn't know him or have any interest in knowing him, and I proceeded to get ready for bed since it was after 2AM by then. When he got home later the next day, we spoke on the phone and he brought it up again as well as a few other similar incidents that had occurred in the year since we've been dating.

    We haven't spoken by either text or phone since Sunday, which is very unusual, so apparently he's still upset over these deliberate disrespects by strange men when we are together. I've reassured him that he's the only one for me, but need to know what else I can do to STOP THE MADNESS?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I don’t know if there is much you can do about his insecurities and jealousy. Has he always been this way?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think this is the right man for you. Both of you sound like attractive and outgoing personalities and there's a degree of attention that either of you might get in a roomful of people. People socialize and attend venues like this to be out and about and some even do it to see and be seen. It's the whole MO. If he seeks a more private partner or someone less into the social scene, you're not the right woman for him. If you're attending cigar bars you (both of you as a couple in each others' company) can just as easily, like most other venues, request a private room or make sure it's a place that respects the privacy of its patrons without disrespectful or odd interruptions. There are places you can go to that are more private and less intrusive even in terms of service. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person in general and enjoy being around people. In these respects, I don't think either of you are compatible with each other.

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    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your BF has several red flags. He has anger management issues such as when he yelled at the attendant at the local comedy club. It's alarming to witness a guy losing his temper and failing to exercise self-control.

    Regarding Mike, your BF refuses comprehend that you don't know this guy from Adam yet he continues to dredge up the cigar bar night to you. He never lets you forget this incident.

    You need to dump him. It's time for a new BF who knows how to act like a real man.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    YOU need to stop the madness...how do you do that? You tell these strange men that come up to you, that you are with your boyfriend and don't appreciate these intrusions since you are trying to have a night out with him.

    Yes, it's not your fault what random strangers do, but you can help how you react and how you deal with it.

    It is bothering your boyfriend and to some degree it is emasculating him. After all, these men are coming over not giving a care that he's right there.
    Your boyfriend is gentlemanly enough to not start a fight with these men, so the best thing you can do is tell these men in a nice but no fooling around way...to buzz off.

    It's not difficult, just let them know that their attentions are not wanted.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All that glitters isn't gold. It sounds like he has some control and anger problems. You may think his jealousy, possessiveness and anger are cute or means you're so amazing or he loves you so much, but these are actually huge red flags and signs of trouble ahead.

    All this means is he's got you under his thumb and using interrogation, grudges, anger, etc to keep you there. However you mean no more to him than a car or phone or any other of his possessions. You are mistaking crazy for love.
    Originally Posted by LuvsLuv
    He's tall, dark, and handsome, but also a sensitive, loving, and a really good man.

    -Whenever we are together, there seems to be a "disrespectful incident" as he refers to it
    -he proceeded to actually yell at the attendant about the long wait in an irate manner I had never seen him use before.
    -he brought up the incident even referring to the guy by name saying "So what's up with Mike?"
    -he brought it up again as well as a few other similar incidents that had occurred in the year since we've been dating.
    -he's still upset over these deliberate disrespects by strange men when we are together.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by maew
    I don’t know if there is much you can do about his insecurities and jealousy. Has he always been this way?
    He's been married before, and I've seen pictures of a couple of the women he's dated - no comment.

    As he says "they're were attractive, but not as glamorous as you", so he never had any issues when they went out anywhere.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It sounds like your boyfriend is a jelous control freak. Pretty women get hit on when out, it's just a fact of life. Explain to him that it's a compliment - it means he has an attractive girlfriend. But his girlfriend is going home with him.

    Control freaks are are hard to date. Some would consider that a deal breaker. You might have to find a man who can handle it.

    But you are good, you know how to say "no" to these guys. Some women don't, and they flirt with the guys - those are bad women.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    People socialize and attend venues like this to be out and about and some even do it to see and be seen. It's the whole MO. If he seeks a more private partner or someone less into the social scene, you're not the right woman for him. If you're attending cigar bars you (both of you as a couple in each others' company) can just as easily, like most other venues, request a private room or make sure it's a place that respects the privacy of its patrons without disrespectful or odd interruptions. There are places you can go to that are more private and less intrusive even in terms of service. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person in general and enjoy being around people. In these respects, I don't think either of you are compatible with each other.
    We both love and enjoy the same kind of live music and entertainment, so it's not about being seen, but GOING TO SEE - just like everyone else. I don't think we should be seeking VIP treatment that would seclude us from other people just because he can't deal with it. What really bothers me is that to me he's the only one in the room when we're together because I am so into him, I don't even see or acknowledge other men who are around. He even went as far as to say that "Mike must have scoped you out in the parking lot on the way into the Cigar Bar!" ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS....

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm curious about something. You repeatedly emphasize how you are so into him that no one else exists while also emphasizing how his insecurity, paranoia, and possessiveness are completely turn offs.

    Guess I can't help but wonder if the behavior you're finding bothersome now was once appealing—back, say, when things were new and emotional attachments weren't as strong, so the behavior was less pronounced, less corrosive, even "cute" as another poster remarked. Hyper-masculine, hot, whatever.

    Bottom line: there are plenty of men out there, especially who have made it past 40, for whom the Mikes of this world do not even register. Your boyfriend is not one of those men. Instead, he is someone who uses lofty, mature language—"disrespectful incidents"—to mask what is a base-level, immature reaction to the business of being a grownup.

    What to do with that? I don't know. You can calmly, lovingly, but firmly tell him that the other night has not sat well with you, that you do not want to be in a relationship where "love" is expressed through rage and possession, that you trust him, believe in what you have, but need the same in return and need it to be expressed with less hostility. Then you observe to see if the message sinks in. If it doesn't, you take steps from there—perhaps steps away from this relationship so you can find one that better compliments your needs and personality.

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