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Getting TOO MUCH Attention for Him!!


LuvsLuv

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I have been dating my BF who is 41 for over a year, I'm 37. He's tall, dark, and handsome, but also a sensitive, loving, and a really good man. We go out together to a lot of events i.e. concerts, plays, shows, etc. every weekend and we live in a fairly large city. I am tall, hourglass shaped size 4-6, dress nicely from head to toe, and have a great outgoing and friendly personality - but I am not flirtatious.

Whenever we are together, there seems to be a "disrespectful incident" as he refers to it where a strange guy will just come up and start talking to me even though my BF may be standing right there or at least close enough that it's apparent I am not alone. I'm usually so focused on him when were together that I get caught totally off guard by the intrusions.

 

Things really got out of hand last Saturday night when we went to an Upscale Cigar Bar after having a great dinner. I don't smoke them, but I find it very sexy to watch him, so I really enjoy going with him, which we do about once a month. He and I were sitting together at a table as he was smoking the cigar while we were talking, all of a sudden a guy came walking up to our table out of nowhere and introduced himself to both of us then turned to me and said "Don't I know you from somewhere? - Have you ever been to the XYZ Conference, I think I saw you there?" I looked at him and responded with "no because it's not even my field or profession, so no we've never met". He continued to stand there and stare at me, even when I redirected my attention back to my BF - talk about awkward. After leaving the Cigar Bar, we went to a local Comedy Club that required us to stand in line for longer than normal. When we final got up to the entrance, he proceeded to actually yell at the attendant about the long wait in an irate manner I had never seen him use before.

 

Needless to say, when we got back to my place that night, he brought up the incident even referring to the guy by name saying "So what's up with Mike?" I responded who, he said "You know, your friend from the cigar bar". I then told him I had actually forgotten the guys name since I didn't know him or have any interest in knowing him, and I proceeded to get ready for bed since it was after 2AM by then. When he got home later the next day, we spoke on the phone and he brought it up again as well as a few other similar incidents that had occurred in the year since we've been dating.

 

We haven't spoken by either text or phone since Sunday, which is very unusual, so apparently he's still upset over these deliberate disrespects by strange men when we are together. I've reassured him that he's the only one for me, but need to know what else I can do to STOP THE MADNESS?

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I don't think this is the right man for you. Both of you sound like attractive and outgoing personalities and there's a degree of attention that either of you might get in a roomful of people. People socialize and attend venues like this to be out and about and some even do it to see and be seen. It's the whole MO. If he seeks a more private partner or someone less into the social scene, you're not the right woman for him. If you're attending cigar bars you (both of you as a couple in each others' company) can just as easily, like most other venues, request a private room or make sure it's a place that respects the privacy of its patrons without disrespectful or odd interruptions. There are places you can go to that are more private and less intrusive even in terms of service. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person in general and enjoy being around people. In these respects, I don't think either of you are compatible with each other.

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Your BF has several red flags. He has anger management issues such as when he yelled at the attendant at the local comedy club. It's alarming to witness a guy losing his temper and failing to exercise self-control.

 

Regarding Mike, your BF refuses comprehend that you don't know this guy from Adam yet he continues to dredge up the cigar bar night to you. He never lets you forget this incident.

 

You need to dump him. It's time for a new BF who knows how to act like a real man.

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YOU need to stop the madness...how do you do that? You tell these strange men that come up to you, that you are with your boyfriend and don't appreciate these intrusions since you are trying to have a night out with him.

 

Yes, it's not your fault what random strangers do, but you can help how you react and how you deal with it.

 

It is bothering your boyfriend and to some degree it is emasculating him. After all, these men are coming over not giving a care that he's right there.

Your boyfriend is gentlemanly enough to not start a fight with these men, so the best thing you can do is tell these men in a nice but no fooling around way...to buzz off.

 

It's not difficult, just let them know that their attentions are not wanted.

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All that glitters isn't gold. It sounds like he has some control and anger problems. You may think his jealousy, possessiveness and anger are cute or means you're so amazing or he loves you so much, but these are actually huge red flags and signs of trouble ahead.

 

All this means is he's got you under his thumb and using interrogation, grudges, anger, etc to keep you there. However you mean no more to him than a car or phone or any other of his possessions. You are mistaking crazy for love.

He's tall, dark, and handsome, but also a sensitive, loving, and a really good man.

 

-Whenever we are together, there seems to be a "disrespectful incident" as he refers to it

-he proceeded to actually yell at the attendant about the long wait in an irate manner I had never seen him use before.

-he brought up the incident even referring to the guy by name saying "So what's up with Mike?"

-he brought it up again as well as a few other similar incidents that had occurred in the year since we've been dating.

-he's still upset over these deliberate disrespects by strange men when we are together.

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I don’t know if there is much you can do about his insecurities and jealousy. Has he always been this way?

 

He's been married before, and I've seen pictures of a couple of the women he's dated - no comment.

 

As he says "they're were attractive, but not as glamorous as you", so he never had any issues when they went out anywhere.

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It sounds like your boyfriend is a jelous control freak. Pretty women get hit on when out, it's just a fact of life. Explain to him that it's a compliment - it means he has an attractive girlfriend. But his girlfriend is going home with him.

 

Control freaks are are hard to date. Some would consider that a deal breaker. You might have to find a man who can handle it.

 

But you are good, you know how to say "no" to these guys. Some women don't, and they flirt with the guys - those are bad women.

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People socialize and attend venues like this to be out and about and some even do it to see and be seen. It's the whole MO. If he seeks a more private partner or someone less into the social scene, you're not the right woman for him. If you're attending cigar bars you (both of you as a couple in each others' company) can just as easily, like most other venues, request a private room or make sure it's a place that respects the privacy of its patrons without disrespectful or odd interruptions. There are places you can go to that are more private and less intrusive even in terms of service. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you're that kind of person in general and enjoy being around people. In these respects, I don't think either of you are compatible with each other.

 

We both love and enjoy the same kind of live music and entertainment, so it's not about being seen, but GOING TO SEE - just like everyone else. I don't think we should be seeking VIP treatment that would seclude us from other people just because he can't deal with it. What really bothers me is that to me he's the only one in the room when we're together because I am so into him, I don't even see or acknowledge other men who are around. He even went as far as to say that "Mike must have scoped you out in the parking lot on the way into the Cigar Bar!" ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS....:upset:

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I'm curious about something. You repeatedly emphasize how you are so into him that no one else exists while also emphasizing how his insecurity, paranoia, and possessiveness are completely turn offs.

 

Guess I can't help but wonder if the behavior you're finding bothersome now was once appealing—back, say, when things were new and emotional attachments weren't as strong, so the behavior was less pronounced, less corrosive, even "cute" as another poster remarked. Hyper-masculine, hot, whatever.

 

Bottom line: there are plenty of men out there, especially who have made it past 40, for whom the Mikes of this world do not even register. Your boyfriend is not one of those men. Instead, he is someone who uses lofty, mature language—"disrespectful incidents"—to mask what is a base-level, immature reaction to the business of being a grownup.

 

What to do with that? I don't know. You can calmly, lovingly, but firmly tell him that the other night has not sat well with you, that you do not want to be in a relationship where "love" is expressed through rage and possession, that you trust him, believe in what you have, but need the same in return and need it to be expressed with less hostility. Then you observe to see if the message sinks in. If it doesn't, you take steps from there—perhaps steps away from this relationship so you can find one that better compliments your needs and personality.

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What I'm getting from your post is that you both might be physically attractive, but internally, you are both incredibly insecure and immature. So where does that leave you? He is an angry, jealous, resentful, control freak and you are willing to put up with that because he compliments you and tells you that you are the prettiest, most stunning girl ever. How do you stop this madness? Step out of it and raise your standards and work on your confidence. Outer attractiveness is just not enough when the inside is an ugly mess and in this man's case....ugly is an understatement. Dude is acting with the emotional maturity of a teenager.

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As long as you are competing with other women and are this overly concerned with your looks, a jerk like him can manipulate you with flattery. Try to feel more secure and not play mirror mirror. It will be your downfall.

he says "they're were attractive, but not as glamorous as you", so he never had any issues when they went out anywhere.
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We both love and enjoy the same kind of live music and entertainment, so it's not about being seen, but GOING TO SEE - just like everyone else. I don't think we should be seeking VIP treatment that would seclude us from other people just because he can't deal with it. What really bothers me is that to me he's the only one in the room when we're together because I am so into him, I don't even see or acknowledge other men who are around. He even went as far as to say that "Mike must have scoped you out in the parking lot on the way into the Cigar Bar!" ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS....:upset:

 

I'd say focus less on his awkward moments and move on if you find him unsavoury. It's as simple as that. Don't get worked up over his reaction. You cannot control someone else's reaction to you when you haven't done anything wrong. If you feel guilty for something or feel like you contributed to the situation, you may be feeling annoyed with yourself. Otherwise, relax and just laugh it off. This is too small to worry about.

 

It seems he was the one to bring up the issue and he was upset with you. It's up to either of you whether you want to work it out but I really don't think you're cut out for each other if you're both going to remain upset over these minor issues, get too worked up or overthink it. I'm sure you have a thousand and one other things to worry about aside from a man who can't accept you for you. This would be the last thing I would worry about. You can either accept each others personalities or you can step away from each other.

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I'd say focus less on his awkward moments and move on if you find him unsavoury. It's as simple as that. Don't get worked up over his reaction. You cannot control someone else's reaction to you when you haven't done anything wrong. If you feel guilty for something or feel like you contributed to the situation, you may be feeling annoyed with yourself. Otherwise, relax and just laugh it off. This is too small to worry about.

 

It seems he was the one to bring up the issue and he was upset with you. It's up to either of you whether you want to work it out but I really don't think you're cut out for each other if you're both going to remain upset over these minor issues, get too worked up or overthink it. I'm sure you have a thousand and one other things to worry about aside from a man who can't accept you for you. This would be the last thing I would worry about. You can either accept each others personalities or you can step away from each other.

 

I totally agree with you, he needs to laugh it off. This same thing with strange men approaching me out of nowhere happens also when I go out with my girlfriends and even my mother. They all find it entertaining and we laugh about it for the rest of the day or night as NO BIG DEAL and PART OF THE ENTERTAINMENT FOR HANGING OUT WITH ME. My mother has even told him exactly that.

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As long as you are competing with other women and are this overly concerned with your looks, a jerk like him can manipulate you with flattery. Try to feel more secure and not play mirror mirror. It will be your downfall.

 

I'm not trying to compete with anyone, I'm just being me. As you will see from a previous post, this happens to me whether I am alone, with girlfriends, my mother, and now HIM.

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LL, I don't feel like you're laughing with the capslock though. You seem upset. It's ok to be upset. Just don't dwell on it. If it happens all the time to you why are you so surprised if some people don't know how to handle it? Lots of people get checked out and lots more do the checking out. I compliment women too when I go out. What he does shouldn't matter so much to you but it does. Time to let it go. You'll be fine with or without him.

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YOU need to stop the madness...how do you do that? You tell these strange men that come up to you, that you are with your boyfriend and don't appreciate these intrusions since you are trying to have a night out with him.

 

Yes, it's not your fault what random strangers do, but you can help how you react and how you deal with it.

 

It is bothering your boyfriend and to some degree it is emasculating him. After all, these men are coming over not giving a care that he's right there.

Your boyfriend is gentlemanly enough to not start a fight with these men, so the best thing you can do is tell these men in a nice but no fooling around way...to buzz off.

 

It's not difficult, just let them know that their attentions are not wanted.

 

I agree with this. Op: Why don't you shut these guys down? Perhaps if you did that your boyfriend wouldn't be so irked about these "intrusions?"

I totally agree with you, he needs to laugh it off. This same thing with strange men approaching me out of nowhere happens also when I go out with my girlfriends and even my mother. They all find it entertaining and we laugh about it for the rest of the day or night as NO BIG DEAL and PART OF THE ENTERTAINMENT FOR HANGING OUT WITH ME. My mother has even told him exactly that.
So he NEEDS to laugh it off while you do nothing to reassure him that you are not basking in the limelight of other men's attention? You shouldn't have to have boundaries with how other men approach in on you and your boyfriends time? You needn't worry about how these intrusions make your boyfriend feel?

 

*Looks in Crystal Ball* I see him breaking up with you over your lack of empathy.

 

Asking: How would you feel if beautiful women were coming up to him and engaging him while ignoring the fact that you are with him?

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I originally didn't add to this because the wording made me a little uncomfortable.

 

I've had my share of attention in my lifetime (i'm a little older now) and yet I am capable of discouraging it.

Maybe too much sometimes. It has to do with how you handle yourself.

 

My friends are equally or even more attractive and at the same time they don't permit men to pester them, much like you described. Let alone while on a date. At the same time I have other friends that are approached, but it's something they did to encourage it.

 

I am not there and I can't say for sure, but there is something, outside of your size 4, hourglass figure that is giving these men the green light to approach you. Typically men are intimated by stunning women, not the opposite.

 

Just the words used to describe the packaging causes my spidey senses go off here.

I don't think I'd blame your guy for being uncomfortable.

Because I get the sense there is something you do, whether conscious or not that attracts attention.

 

The fact that he continues to bring it up makes him insecure.

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^ I agree with most of that ^^^

 

I will say though: Most people would be insecure when their partner is broadcasting that she is getting approached whie out with her g/f's/buddies and her/his mother as well while knowing through experience that he/she does nothing to shut down the attention of the opposite sex. You can't trust someone that shows they have little to no boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing.

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^ I agree with most of that ^^^

 

I will say though: Most people would be insecure when their partner is broadcasting that she is getting approached whie out with her g/f's/buddies and her/his mother as well while knowing through experience that he/she does nothing to shut down the attention of the opposite sex. You can't trust someone that shows they have little to no boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

. .and I wanted to add that that's probably what the bf is bugged about.

Not about the TOO MUCH attention, but the no attempt at discouraging it.

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You seem very fixated on exteriors and come across very obnoxious. When a guy approaches, you shut them down. If you're with your bf your smile and say firmly, 'I'm sorry, but as you can see I'm taken.'

 

I get attention too, it's really no big deal. If you're in a relationship you really need to have firmer boundaries.

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^ I agree with most of that ^^^

 

I will say though: Most people would be insecure when their partner is broadcasting that she is getting approached whie out with her g/f's/buddies and her/his mother as well while knowing through experience that he/she does nothing to shut down the attention of the opposite sex. You can't trust someone that shows they have little to no boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing.

 

Believe me when I say that I'm not doing anything other than minding my own business and trying to be nice, outgoing and friendly to everyone I come in contact with such as cashiers, service people, etc. After seeing this, out of the clear blue sky a guy will somehow make his way over to insert himself into the discussion or dialog I'm having with someone else whether it be cashiers when I'm alone, or whoever is with me if not alone.

 

I sometimes get approached by women who just pay me friendly compliments or ask where I purchased something I may have on.

A couple of weeks ago, a petite beautiful older Italian woman (think Susan Sarandon with black hair) followed me down two aisles at a Walgreens to tell me she loved my top, shoes, and leather backpack I was wearing.

 

In our current world of meanness and hostility, perhaps someone who is positive and smiling is a magnet for others.

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Yeah it's not hard to say that you're with your bf.

 

I'm not saying they come up to me and literally ask me out, so sometimes it's hard to tell if they are just being friendly or if it's more. In either case, should I just turn to them and say "Sorry I'm with my man, don't you see him standing here?" If that is the approach I need to take , I might be willing to do that.

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