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Thread: Struggling with a break up based on friends comments

  1. #11
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    I think all contact towards ex's is inappropriate from the perspective of someone whose been on the other end of this, it's highly inappropriate.

    You shouldn't go no contact and jump back into talking about your relationship, that should be a conversation that is built up. That's a personal conversation and when you broke up with him, you lost the privilege to access his feelings about the situation. You should approach this as a stranger and recognize boundaries.

    It may sound harsh but you need to respect his space. Which is why I wouldn't reccomend jumping into the break up conversation. IF YOU HAVE TO contact him, start with "how are you" if he decides not to respond, you have your answer. Don't jump into the apology. Don't pester him. Don't throw all this heavy conversation at him. Take it as it is and move on.

    There's nothing worse than an ex that doesn't respect peoples space and uses social media to initiate unwanted contact.

  2. #12
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    Your analysis and thinking about the relationship is probably a good thing. Relationships are complex and often there is a lot to unpack. I don't see what you have to apologize for at this time however. Your primary learnings were that he wasn't the kind of person who would get along with you and you were not the kind of person who would get along with him. Oil and water. Sure, you could apologize for perhaps some of your actions - but most of the actions you are feeling guilty for were natural reactions at the time with the awareness you had at the time. He didn't have the tools to communicate with you in a way that would let you react differently, and you didn't have the tools to see what was missing.

    I think it's also possible you are giving him a bit too much credit in your analysis. Knowing that he treated you poorly because he was insecure doesn't mean he didn't treat you poorly. Further communication could reopen new wounds (on either side) as much as it could close old ones, especially if his view of history is different than yours. He may not be in a place to accept your apology. Since there is no further relationship (possibly running into him in the future because of some mutual friends doesn't really count for that) there seems to be no pressing need to attempt to reconcile your differences at this point. See if you can work on forgiving yourself and growing from the experience as he must be doing for his part. You don't need to seek his forgiveness. Maybe someday that will happen naturally, if it must.

  3. #13
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, I don't think you should open communication to apologize. It's over so let it go. He needs to move on and you, too. Continuing to dredge up and rehash again would just open up old wounds which is unnecessary. It could also lead to disagreements and arguments. Let sleeping dogs lie. Leave it be.

    Many relationships and friendships weren't meant to be. It had run its course and it's better to have a fresh start with very good, reliable people in your life from now on.

    People will waft in and out of your life; some are keepers and others need to be rid of for your own sanity and survival. Look out for yourself and be good to yourself. Opening up dialogue will only complicate matters which you have no need for.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Friends are not therapists and may struggle to say the right things. Stop talking to them about him or the breakup as much. They may in fact make matters worse by infusing their own baggage in whatever advice/comfort they try to offer. You don't owe him anything. It wasn't working and you ended it. That in itself is closure.

    Keep in mind sometimes the price for what is perceived as complaining is bad free advice. If you wish to explore your personality type or whatever other self exploration, go to a qualified therapist to sort some things out and get good advice. Stop trying to figure him out.
    Originally Posted by Jbs18
    Its been 4 months no contact, and the talk with my friends about my own attachment style has made me feel really guilty for cutting him out of my life

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    Another vote here for not contacting him at all. Idk how long you’ve been a forum member but we see posts here all the time saying “Ex came back and apologized. What does this mean?” Don’t do that to him. What’s done is done. Grow in silence and take your new self awareness with you into whatever lies ahead.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jbs18
    Feeling guilty about my own role in being very avoidant. I don't think he is purely just a jerk anymore, just very insecure. Wondering if I can at least mend things or if it will do no good.
    Just leave him alone and learn to swallow your mis-placed guilt. You two were not meant to spend the rest of your lives together so just move on and don't open up the door to yet another go at hot and cold.

    There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty about getting rid of a guy that ran hot and cold with you. Anyone, no matter their "style" would be "hot and cold" with you if they were in love with you and considered you a good prospect to spend the rest of their ife with. Know that and let go of this need you have to open a can of worms with him again.

    If you are guilty for anything you think you did then go to a priest and confess but don't drag him into your need to be resolved of wrongdoing. That's just self-serving no matter how you spin it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    A week later was when he was putting me down publicly in front of those same friends which made me cut him off without giving him a chance to speak.
    Anyone who puts you down publicly renders himself unworthy of speaking. While self analysis for the sake of developing in any direction YOU want to go is fine, attempting to rationalize lousy treatment is a horrible habit to develop.

    You had the sense and the self regard to drop someone who mistreated you. Going back to rehash that is a fantasy move, and while it's not against the law, it's a far better idea to focus on what you would hope to accomplish by doing that--and WHY.

    The pain of dis-illusion-ment never feels good, but you saw the guy's behavior for what it was--disrespectful. Whether that was based on bad childhood or some other insecurity that you didn't coddle, it doesn't matter. The reasons WHY someone would mistreat you is far less important than the fact that they would mistreat you. Work yourself into acceptance of that fact, and you'll move lightyears ahead of any need to play social worker to a guy who was not good relationship material for you, regardless of how much you could have catered to his problems.

    Skip that, move forward, and you will thank yourself.

    Head high.

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