Toxic relationship

I've been on and off with my partner for 9 years and we have a 2 year old together.

It's always been a very difficult relationship. He has a very terrible habit that basically rules his life and comes above everything else. When we had our son, i suppose i changed a lot, I grew up and got my prioritys straight, he didn't. This caused a massive amount of issues. He basically still lives the life we had when we were teenagers, he doesn't pay a penny towards the bills etc, never once got up with his son in the night or taken him for an hour so i can rest, he spends most of his time not at home, mainly out with friends but if i even want to go out for the day with a family member or friend all hell breaks loose.

I'm lucky if he does a full weeks work and hes always in between jobs and never in proper employment. He expects his tea ready when he gets home, me to gt him up for work, his snapping done for him, his clothes ironed and folded on the side when he gets up in the morning, his coffee ready, i could go on but you get the point...

If these things aren't done or I dont put the the right top or forget to put his socks there, or his tea isn't what he wants etc he has what I can only call a tantrum in which he will call me everything under the sun such as, useless, worthless, a bad mother, a waste of space...

He will physically smash my flat up, wardrobes, doors, pictures anything in his path. He will get in my face, throw things at me etc.

I've tried to leave multiple times since my son was born, I've even moved house to get away but he found where i was and gets in my head when im vunerable, he promises me the world then as soon as hes back through the door he's back doing it all again.

He will be fine for as long as 6 months as long as I work my arse off to keep him happy then one morning he will wake up and i know its coming, it can be the smallest thing that sets him off then I'm in hell for months.

I've finally hit breaking point this week and today while he was at work I took his stuff to his mums and made sure he was dropped off there from work.

I'm stuck in my own head because as much as I dont want to be with him, I still love him, why? I dont know... I feel so guilty for walking away and the messages from him I'm getting every 5 minutes and endless phone calls really dont help, one minute hes saying hes sorry and loves me, the next hes slating me and saying hes done nothing and it me. I just want it all to stop, I just want a quiet normal life for my little boy. I wish he would just understand that this is not normal and the things he does aren't ok, but he seems to think they are. I've waited 9 years for him to change, surely things should of got better😭😭

I don't know what the point of this post is other than to rant and get some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing😔

You're doing the right thing. Stop pitying yourself and pick yourself up off the floor. Move forwards and start engaging in more fulfilling interests and hobbies and fill your life with more meaning. The more you go around and around in self-pitying circles the more you'll self-perpetuate the same old problems without getting anywhere.

Take the time out for you and take the time to process that it's over. After that it's up to you how you fill your life up again and this time with better people and better ideas.

I am so sorry to hear about this. I am also so confident that you are doing the right thing.

People don't change a whole lot, and those who do are people who enjoy changing, growing. He is not such a person. He is, as you don't need me to tell you, bad news. He is mean, manipulative, abusive, immature, and, if I'm reading correctly between the lines, an addict. He is not someone who should be anywhere near any children, including his own.

In you—and I think you already know this, so I hope this doesn't come off as harsh—he found an enabler. Think of it like a zillion broken pieces in him connected to one or two inside of you, and that's the coal that fuels the connection. You owe it to yourself—and to your son—to better understand those two pieces inside yourself so you can protect your heart, and your son's heart, moving forward. That understanding will come with time, perhaps with therapy, and with the peace and quiet that you so need right now and that he is incapable of providing.

Again, for emphasis: you have made the right choice.

I know a woman who married a guy young, had a kid. Nice guy, but lost, wayward, dangerously so. Not abusive, but wildly irresponsible. What seemed early like a jovial appreciation of booze quickly started to look a lot like alcoholism. Cocaine followed, got bad. When she learned of the coke she made what was probably the hardest choice she's made—to end the marriage for the sake of her kid, who was then 4. She raised him well, in a world of love and security, while figuring out herself. She still had love for her ex—and probably still has some love today—but she loved herself more, and her son, to take those hard steps.

That woman is my mother. I'm 39 now, and so very grateful, daily, for the choice she made.

Thank you so much! The things you have said make so much sense. I do want better for my son, I want so much more for him.

His addiction is to cannabis (they say you cant get addicted but I've seen different) he spends roughly 200 a week on it. Hes smoked it everyday since the moment I met him at 15 I'm now 23.

I'm just struggling to stay strong, I tend to just give in because I can't deal with the constant hassling and verbal abuse, I'm talking over 100 phone calls a day and endless messages. I have blocked his number but he finds alternative ways to contact me off other numbers or just turns up so I'm stuck in the flat at the moment with my doors locked I'm quite isolated after 9 years, have no friends and not a lot of family around, I struggle to not get depressed and suffer with anxiety so meeting new friends etc is really hard for me.

I don't feel I can stop him seeing his son as horrible as he is with me he does love his son in his own way but keeping in touch over contact is giving him a chance to get to me. I don't know how to move on he's all I've ever known, I dont know anything else.

I think if he lets up with the hassling I'll feel a lot better because i can leave the house without looking over my shoulder.

Your mum sound like an amazing mum and a very strong lady!

Run. Don't walk. Run.

Yeah you're doing the right thing.

As a guy, father of 3, and married for 10 years take it from me he sounds like a man child not a man. He wants a mother and not a wife.

I do dishes, Landry, help with kids, take them to school, take them out all the time etc. I get myself ready for work, if dinner is ready great. If not, I cook for myself. That's stuff he should be helping with not just ridiculing you for not doing it all yourself.

Not only leave him, but file for a protection order as well if he's smashing up your place.

Sorry this is happening. Throw him out and get a restraining order. Go to court and petition for child support on behalf of your son. Only allow supervised visitation. Get this abusive violent tyrant away fro your child before he gets taken away from you by CPS. Be a good mother and stop coddling this jerk to keep him in your life.

He will physically smash my flat up, wardrobes, doors, pictures anything in his path. He will get in my face, throw things at me etc.

... and please see a family lawyer to set child support amounts, scheduled visitation and anything else he/she deems needs to be in place for you to get some peace.

He's an animal.

Get a restraining order, change your phone number, block any means of communication from him. You dont love him, you may love who you want him to be, not who he actually is. Taking this spoiled big baby back to mommy is a damn good idea. Dont give in. If you have to move across the country, do it.

You're only 23. So much life ahead. Take a moment to envision a future—nothing outlandish, but genuinely feasible. Something like this: You're 28, with an awesome 7 year old son. You have some trusted friends, a job you like. Maybe a romantic interest, maybe not—not so important. What's important is that you are calmer and stronger where in the past you were prone toward depression, anxiety. What's important is that your son is grinning next to you as you guys walk through the market.

That is possible.

What's getting there look like? Well, it looks like taking some hard, firm steps right now in one direction—away from him. Let him know, in no uncertain language, that your romantic relationship is over, that communication will be confined to your child, that he will see his child only when sober, and that any stepping outside of that—anything hostile, anything aggressive, anything excessive—will be responded to with a call to the authorities. Hardest part? You have to mean that. From what you've written it sounds like the authorities should have been involved already, should be involved right now.

Up to this point you have taught him to believe that if he throws a wild enough of a tantrum then you will cave and coddle him. Because you have. How can you expect him to change, even a millimeter in a new direction, if you won't change? You can't control him, but you have full control over yourself. This is fact, and any excuse to negate that fact is just that—an excuse. The old you, the teenage and early 20s you that got you tangled up with him—let her go. The new you, the young mother taking ownership of herself, her life, champion and protector of her child—embrace her, become her.

No excuses. Any excuse is detrimental to your son. Make him your north star, not this dude.

I had a relationship with my father, for whatever it's worth. My mom made sure of it. Without me understanding things, she set hard rules, explained that he had to show up when he said he's show up—sober—or he would never see me again. She did not bad mouth him. I loved him, and love him today. I don't respect him at all, because to even attempt to respect him would be to disrespect myself.

Deep down she expected he'd one day ghost, but she wanted me to have as full a relationship with him as I could, though not a destructive one. She was right, he did ghost, when I was around 13. I've seen him a handful of times since, we exchange a few texts here and there. Bummer, but it is what it is—who he is. No way I'd have been able to process it all like that without my mother's guidance and strength. No way would I understand that it is okay for me to love him without respecting him, to not need a person like that validate me or my worth.

But that's all far off for you. Focus on the here and now. This guy is off the rails, and you can't keep coddling. Authorities, courts, police: these institutions are your friends right now. Lean on them if you have to. Do not lean on this man, at all.

Get away. This is terrible for you and your son!

Take your son and run for the hills.

Thank you everyone! Really thank you so much! I finally feel like I'm right in believing that its not ok and it shouldn't be like this.

I will be making sure that we aren't involved with any of it anymore. I will be giving clear guildlines for contact reagrding our son and if I have to I will get the right authority's involved.

I just want whats best for my son now

You need to get out now and stop taking his ______ whenever he persuades you to return to him.

My late father beat my mother, gave her a black eye and knocked her teeth out several times. She kicked him out! He never paid child support. She worked 3 jobs 7 days a week in order to put food on the table and a roof over our heads. She successfully raised 3 children all by herself and didn't receive help from anybody. If my strong, tough mother can do it, so can you.

Where there is a will, there is a way.

I am so sorry to hear about this. I am also so confident that you are doing the right thing.

 

People don't change a whole lot, and those who do are people who enjoy changing, growing. He is not such a person. He is, as you don't need me to tell you, bad news. He is mean, manipulative, abusive, immature, and, if I'm reading correctly between the lines, an addict. He is not someone who should be anywhere near any children, including his own.

 

In you—and I think you already know this, so I hope this doesn't come off as harsh—he found an enabler. Think of it like a zillion broken pieces in him connected to one or two inside of you, and that's the coal that fuels the connection. You owe it to yourself—and to your son—to better understand those two pieces inside yourself so you can protect your heart, and your son's heart, moving forward. That understanding will come with time, perhaps with therapy, and with the peace and quiet that you so need right now and that he is incapable of providing.

 

Again, for emphasis: you have made the right choice.

 

I know a woman who married a guy young, had a kid. Nice guy, but lost, wayward, dangerously so. Not abusive, but wildly irresponsible. What seemed early like a jovial appreciation of booze quickly started to look a lot like alcoholism. Cocaine followed, got bad. When she learned of the coke she made what was probably the hardest choice she's made—to end the marriage for the sake of her kid, who was then 4. She raised him well, in a world of love and security, while figuring out herself. She still had love for her ex—and probably still has some love today—but she loved herself more, and her son, to take those hard steps.

 

That woman is my mother. I'm 39 now, and so very grateful, daily, for the choice she made.

What a great post!!!