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Thread: How do I deal with him ghosting on me?

  1. #1
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    How do I deal with him ghosting on me?

    Ok, so I'll try to make this as short as possible. I had been in a relationship with a guy for a year, hes 27 and I'm 25. And before that we were best friends for a year and also had hooked up the year before. We've been through a lot, I've seen him with other girls, he's seen me with other guys but at the end of the day, we were always together even as friends at some after party or bar. We've been really close and last year he started falling for me and wanted to be with me really bad. For 6 months he went after me, I told him I didn't want a relationship, that I was doing fine as a single girl... but, I ended up falling for the way he treated me which seriously made me feel so safe, and besides we had an awesome friendship.

    As time went by, we had some conflicts as any couple, he wasn't working and had no ambition so it took him months to start working. That got us into a lot of conflicts because while I was busting my ass waking up early he was sleeping until noon and going out to drink on a wednseday with his friends. His mom stopped giving him money and eventually he got a nice job (last month). So we spent the whole relationship with a lot of money problems, me having to pay for him at a lot of times, or else we wouldn't be able to go out. Or me having to pay because he would either lose/forget his money or lose his credit card. In resume he was really irresponsible, but I stuck by him. Now he's a lot better, he's working, he's dedicated... but it caused a lot of bruises in our relationship. Beyond that, there was also the fact that we agreed on doing an exchance student program together. And he spent FOUR MONTHS telling me he would go after this. While I had my part all organized, he on the other hand, would never go after this out of pure laziness. Which also caused conflicts, to the point where I simply gave up asking about it.

    I also have really bad anxiety and am currently on therapy to take care of that. Because of this and my past traumatic relataionships, I was insecure towards him a lot of times, when he has nothing but be respectful and loyal to me. However this last month has sucked for me. He would tell me he'd come over to see me, and when I realized he was just saying it without meaning it and confronted him asking him why he kept saying he would come over if he didn't want to and the answer I got was him yelling at me: F*CK WHAT I SAID, I don't care, I said it but now I'm changing it. And I also would cry and he would say I was crying to make him feel bad when I was. He said that we don't work out together, even though I've done nothing but be suportive to him, I have my flaws but in any moment did he actually try to work things out instead of just being negative.

    I know this relationship has become a mess, and I don't understand how he doesn't want to work it out. To make things worse, he's never really had to work for anything in his life. Also in his last and only relationship, he would cheat on his GF all the time, instead of working things out or simply breaking up, and with me, instead of cheating, he broke up and simply disappeared. Without us having a healthy conversation. I've tried contacting him but he just won't answer. This weekend we have this thing where we're gonna see each other and I'm just so anxious thinking about what he might do. There will be some girls there that he's hooked up with in the past and got distant after we got together, I'm so afraid he might tease me with them. I am pretty sure he would never hook up with anyone in front of me. But he's just been so evil to me, I've texted him practically begging we have an adult conversation, even his mom came to talk to me saying she was sad because of this. I told her her son avoids me, even thought I just simply want to work out how it's gonna be from now on, when we see each other etc...

    The person I trusted, the person that said I was the love of his life, that was there for me all the time, simply left without giving me the right for us to work things out in an adult way. The person I loved with all my heart simply left me without feeling bad when he sees all these texts and goes to sleep ignoring them. I feel betrayed, like I've never felt with anyone. I've been in relationships with abusive men, but they were never good in the first place. This guy was my friend, my confident, he had known me for years and had seen what kind of things some guys did to me and now he's doing the same or even worse.

    I can't sleep, I've gone 3 days without barely eating, I've got anxiety attacks, I can't control my mind and it's driving me insane how he simply disappeared and doesn't feel bad about this. Not even out of respect for me and our history he'll give me a conversation. I don't care if we break up at this point anymore, I just want some closure and to work things for when we see each other (which will happen because we have a lot of friends and activities in common and there's no chance for me to stop doing the things I've always done for him - we go to a lot of techno parties, and I even met him in one 3 years ago.. we're both DJs so we only go out to places we truly enjoy, I've gone past the single "going anywhere just to have fun" kind of thing).

    I'm just trying to grasp my head around how he could do this to me. He said he wanted some time to "breathe", that I'm invasive, but how am I invasive if he goes days without answering me? I just want some closure in an adult way. I don't know how he just hates me so much to this point when I've never done anything to hurt him, he should at least have respect. This is so confusing...
    Last edited by Lovelavie; 08-06-2019 at 12:40 PM.

  2. #2
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    Originally Posted by sunnyfeels18
    I can't sleep, I've gone 3 days without barely eating, I've got anxiety attacks, I can't control my mind and it's driving me insane how he simply disappeared and doesn't feel bad about this. Not even out of respect for me and our history he'll give me a conversation. I don't care if we break up at this point anymore, I just want some closure and to work things for when we see each other (which will happen because we have a lot of friends and activities in common and there's no chance for me to stop doing the things I've always done for him - we go to a lot of techno parties, and I even met him in one 3 years ago.. we're both DJs so we only go out to places we truly enjoy, I've gone past the single "going anywhere just to have fun" kind of thing).

    I'm just trying to grasp my head around how he could do this to me. I don't know how he just hates me so much to this point when I've never done anything to hurt him, he's tired of my insecurities, which I'm on therapy for, but I never did anything bad to him. This is so confusing...
    I don't think he hates you. I think he is truly immature and doesn't know how to handle himself. He is acting very much like a child; a very young child.
    Do not let him drive you insane. You are correct that he doesn't feel bad about it--but not because he doesn't care. Chances are he hasn't even given it that much thought. He doesn't want to talk to you because that would mean he would have to reflect on his character and his actions--and that is the last thing he wants to do right now.

    Some things that might help-
    -Stop talking to his mom. This will only bring up memories and not help with your healing.
    -Stop thinking about reconciliation. This is not the guy for you. He doesn't respect you. He probably barely respects himself.
    -Don't avoid seeing him out of fear. If you do have to see him, simply say "hello" and move on. Don't try to have a conversation with him. He is not capable.
    -Allow yourself to be sad. You spent a long time with this guy.
    -Find closure by yourself. Put his picture in a box and burn it if need be. But figure out how to close the door on this one.
    -Eat. Force yourself. Even if it is just crackers.
    -Breath. Take long, regular, deep breaths. Repeat.
    -Sleep. Cry yourself to sleep if you have to. Take melatonin if that will help. But sleep. Sleep is incredibly healing.
    -Put one foot in front of the other. Reestablish your own daily pattern. Make this your routine.

    You WILL get through this. Chin up. You've got this.

  3. #3
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    This relationship has always been a mess. He was a a lazy irresponsible parasite. He mooched off both you and his mother. You should not have been paying for things, as you only enabled the problem..

    Now, he is not reliable and abusive.

    He is also a perpetual cheater. Great!

    I think that you need to address your choices in partners. This guy is a real piece of crap, and has always been. He is a user, lazy, abusive, liar, unreliable and a cheat. Why would you ever choose someone like this?! You relationship has Never been good.

    Be grateful he is gone.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I hate to say this, but it sounds a lot like you've encountered a narcissist. He is a flake, a cheater, a liar, he used you and his parents, he discarded you abruptly. The point is that this has nothing to do with you and all to do with the fact that you got involved with someone who is seriously disordered and doesn't operate on the same level as the rest of us. Do not blame yourself, rather thank your lucky stars that he is gone.

    You say that he was there for you, but really.....read what you wrote back to yourself. It's all the other way around - you were always supporting him, paying for him while he "lost" his card, etc. You were being manipulated because at some point, the way he was chasing you, you confused that with love, allowed it to flatter your ego, that this man thinks you are so great, wants you so bad. So he did want you, just not in the way that you think. For him it was more about the challenge and also about getting to use you and he won. Now that he has a new job and doesn't need you anymore, he discarded.

    If you read up on narcissism in its many forms or listen to HG Tudor on youtube, I think it will open your eyes a great deal to who he is, what happened and how you are actually lucky he is gone. Not to mention that you were basically a victim of a highly disordered individual and that he isn't worth your tears.

    Your first instinct to stay away from him and turn him down was correct. So focus on that - you were perfectly fine and happy single. You will be again. This guy is not your life, only a brief chapter and a lesson to recognize and keep away from people like that in the future. People like him aren't there for anyone, they are only there for themselves. Now you know and I dare say, next time, especially if you do some homework on this, you'll be much better able to recognize the bs and run away screaming from it.

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  6. #5
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    One more thing, if you know a guy has a history of cheating, do not date them. This is a character issues. Also, do not date men that you have to support while dating. This guy has no value system.

    The guy uses everyone, including you.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. Be glad you are free of this abusive drinking lazy mama's boy. Never get involved with someone who curses at you, lies to you, won't work and who treats you poorly. Get to therapy to sort out the fall out from this. Learn about self respect and what healthy relationships look like. The relationship was always "a mess'
    Originally Posted by sunnyfeels18
    - I was busting my ass waking up early he was sleeping until noon and going out to drink on a wednseday with his friends.
    -His mom stopped giving him money
    -He would tell me he'd come over to see me
    - the answer I got was him yelling at me: F*CK WHAT I SAID, I don't care
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 08-06-2019 at 01:32 PM.

  8. #7
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    I went to therapy yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow because I am literlly losing my mind. I've had hurtful breakups in the past, but not having closure with someone who I thought cared about me is driving me insane, it's breaking me down mentally. I am trying to put inside my head that I'm better than this, but I just can't. I am so afraid he'll treat me badly in front of his friends and that he'll hook up or make me jealous. I just wanted some safety, I just wanted him to say "it's fine, I won't hurt you, I just don't want to talk" anything like that would've been fine. But choosing to IGNORE me is just beyond my understanding of the human mind. How could one be so evil?

  9. #8
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    Sunny, like another poster mentioned, he is a narcissist. He uses and hurts others. This is who he is.

    Please stop talking to his mother and block any type of communication.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sunnyfeels18
    I went to therapy yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow because I am literlly losing my mind. I've had hurtful breakups in the past, but not having closure with someone who I thought cared about me is driving me insane, it's breaking me down mentally. I am trying to put inside my head that I'm better than this, but I just can't. I am so afraid he'll treat me badly in front of his friends and that he'll hook up or make me jealous. I just wanted some safety, I just wanted him to say "it's fine, I won't hurt you, I just don't want to talk" anything like that would've been fine. But choosing to IGNORE me is just beyond my understanding of the human mind. How could one be so evil?
    Yes, evil people exist.

    Stop projecting yourself onto him. He isn't like you. He doesn't have your values, your morals, your anything really. He is not like you, he doesn't think like you, he doesn't feel like you. He is your polar extreme opposite. Yes, people who are completely different from you exist. A good idea to understand and accept that and also learn how to recognize and stay far away from them.

    Stop wanting someone who used you and hurt you to comfort you. In a way, sure it's normal what you want. But in a way, it's like asking a poisonous snake that just bit you with their poison to provide you with an antidote. Not going to happen. If you want to live, you will need to go to a hospital and get that antidote.

    I will repeat again - serial cheater, liar, manipulator, loser, user, abuser - is this really a person worth missing or crying about?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Focus less on him and less on calling him names. It's not going to do any good what you call him, quite honestly. The problem is you so start fixing your anxiety and figure out a way to avoid characters that undermine who and what you are. As you build resentment, that resentment will also eat at you and drain your energy. You're not capitalizing on your strengths. Instead you're preying on the weaknesses of others and building up negativity in yourself.

    You're never really going to stop being a magnet for bad behaviour if you don't change your perspective and the way you date.

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