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How do I deal with him ghosting on me?


Lovelavie

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Ok, so I'll try to make this as short as possible. I had been in a relationship with a guy for a year, he´s 27 and I'm 25. And before that we were best friends for a year and also had hooked up the year before. We've been through a lot, I've seen him with other girls, he's seen me with other guys but at the end of the day, we were always together even as friends at some after party or bar. We've been really close and last year he started falling for me and wanted to be with me really bad. For 6 months he went after me, I told him I didn't want a relationship, that I was doing fine as a single girl... but, I ended up falling for the way he treated me which seriously made me feel so safe, and besides we had an awesome friendship.

 

As time went by, we had some conflicts as any couple, he wasn't working and had no ambition so it took him months to start working. That got us into a lot of conflicts because while I was busting my ass waking up early he was sleeping until noon and going out to drink on a wednseday with his friends. His mom stopped giving him money and eventually he got a nice job (last month). So we spent the whole relationship with a lot of money problems, me having to pay for him at a lot of times, or else we wouldn't be able to go out. Or me having to pay because he would either lose/forget his money or lose his credit card. In resume he was really irresponsible, but I stuck by him. Now he's a lot better, he's working, he's dedicated... but it caused a lot of bruises in our relationship. Beyond that, there was also the fact that we agreed on doing an exchance student program together. And he spent FOUR MONTHS telling me he would go after this. While I had my part all organized, he on the other hand, would never go after this out of pure laziness. Which also caused conflicts, to the point where I simply gave up asking about it.

 

I also have really bad anxiety and am currently on therapy to take care of that. Because of this and my past traumatic relataionships, I was insecure towards him a lot of times, when he has nothing but be respectful and loyal to me. However this last month has sucked for me. He would tell me he'd come over to see me, and when I realized he was just saying it without meaning it and confronted him asking him why he kept saying he would come over if he didn't want to and the answer I got was him yelling at me: F*CK WHAT I SAID, I don't care, I said it but now I'm changing it. And I also would cry and he would say I was crying to make him feel bad when I was. He said that we don't work out together, even though I've done nothing but be suportive to him, I have my flaws but in any moment did he actually try to work things out instead of just being negative.

 

I know this relationship has become a mess, and I don't understand how he doesn't want to work it out. To make things worse, he's never really had to work for anything in his life. Also in his last and only relationship, he would cheat on his GF all the time, instead of working things out or simply breaking up, and with me, instead of cheating, he broke up and simply disappeared. Without us having a healthy conversation. I've tried contacting him but he just won't answer. This weekend we have this thing where we're gonna see each other and I'm just so anxious thinking about what he might do. There will be some girls there that he's hooked up with in the past and got distant after we got together, I'm so afraid he might tease me with them. I am pretty sure he would never hook up with anyone in front of me. But he's just been so evil to me, I've texted him practically begging we have an adult conversation, even his mom came to talk to me saying she was sad because of this. I told her her son avoids me, even thought I just simply want to work out how it's gonna be from now on, when we see each other etc...

 

The person I trusted, the person that said I was the love of his life, that was there for me all the time, simply left without giving me the right for us to work things out in an adult way. The person I loved with all my heart simply left me without feeling bad when he sees all these texts and goes to sleep ignoring them. I feel betrayed, like I've never felt with anyone. I've been in relationships with abusive men, but they were never good in the first place. This guy was my friend, my confident, he had known me for years and had seen what kind of things some guys did to me and now he's doing the same or even worse.

 

I can't sleep, I've gone 3 days without barely eating, I've got anxiety attacks, I can't control my mind and it's driving me insane how he simply disappeared and doesn't feel bad about this. Not even out of respect for me and our history he'll give me a conversation. I don't care if we break up at this point anymore, I just want some closure and to work things for when we see each other (which will happen because we have a lot of friends and activities in common and there's no chance for me to stop doing the things I've always done for him - we go to a lot of techno parties, and I even met him in one 3 years ago.. we're both DJs so we only go out to places we truly enjoy, I've gone past the single "going anywhere just to have fun" kind of thing).

 

I'm just trying to grasp my head around how he could do this to me. He said he wanted some time to "breathe", that I'm invasive, but how am I invasive if he goes days without answering me? I just want some closure in an adult way. I don't know how he just hates me so much to this point when I've never done anything to hurt him, he should at least have respect. This is so confusing...

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I can't sleep, I've gone 3 days without barely eating, I've got anxiety attacks, I can't control my mind and it's driving me insane how he simply disappeared and doesn't feel bad about this. Not even out of respect for me and our history he'll give me a conversation. I don't care if we break up at this point anymore, I just want some closure and to work things for when we see each other (which will happen because we have a lot of friends and activities in common and there's no chance for me to stop doing the things I've always done for him - we go to a lot of techno parties, and I even met him in one 3 years ago.. we're both DJs so we only go out to places we truly enjoy, I've gone past the single "going anywhere just to have fun" kind of thing).

 

I'm just trying to grasp my head around how he could do this to me. I don't know how he just hates me so much to this point when I've never done anything to hurt him, he's tired of my insecurities, which I'm on therapy for, but I never did anything bad to him. This is so confusing...

 

I don't think he hates you. I think he is truly immature and doesn't know how to handle himself. He is acting very much like a child; a very young child.

Do not let him drive you insane. You are correct that he doesn't feel bad about it--but not because he doesn't care. Chances are he hasn't even given it that much thought. He doesn't want to talk to you because that would mean he would have to reflect on his character and his actions--and that is the last thing he wants to do right now.

 

Some things that might help-

-Stop talking to his mom. This will only bring up memories and not help with your healing.

-Stop thinking about reconciliation. This is not the guy for you. He doesn't respect you. He probably barely respects himself.

-Don't avoid seeing him out of fear. If you do have to see him, simply say "hello" and move on. Don't try to have a conversation with him. He is not capable.

-Allow yourself to be sad. You spent a long time with this guy.

-Find closure by yourself. Put his picture in a box and burn it if need be. But figure out how to close the door on this one.

-Eat. Force yourself. Even if it is just crackers.

-Breath. Take long, regular, deep breaths. Repeat.

-Sleep. Cry yourself to sleep if you have to. Take melatonin if that will help. But sleep. Sleep is incredibly healing.

-Put one foot in front of the other. Reestablish your own daily pattern. Make this your routine.

 

You WILL get through this. Chin up. You've got this.

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This relationship has always been a mess. He was a a lazy irresponsible parasite. He mooched off both you and his mother. You should not have been paying for things, as you only enabled the problem..

 

Now, he is not reliable and abusive.

 

He is also a perpetual cheater. Great!

 

I think that you need to address your choices in partners. This guy is a real piece of crap, and has always been. He is a user, lazy, abusive, liar, unreliable and a cheat. Why would you ever choose someone like this?! You relationship has Never been good.

 

Be grateful he is gone.

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I hate to say this, but it sounds a lot like you've encountered a narcissist. He is a flake, a cheater, a liar, he used you and his parents, he discarded you abruptly. The point is that this has nothing to do with you and all to do with the fact that you got involved with someone who is seriously disordered and doesn't operate on the same level as the rest of us. Do not blame yourself, rather thank your lucky stars that he is gone.

 

You say that he was there for you, but really.....read what you wrote back to yourself. It's all the other way around - you were always supporting him, paying for him while he "lost" his card, etc. You were being manipulated because at some point, the way he was chasing you, you confused that with love, allowed it to flatter your ego, that this man thinks you are so great, wants you so bad. So he did want you, just not in the way that you think. For him it was more about the challenge and also about getting to use you and he won. Now that he has a new job and doesn't need you anymore, he discarded.

 

If you read up on narcissism in its many forms or listen to HG Tudor on youtube, I think it will open your eyes a great deal to who he is, what happened and how you are actually lucky he is gone. Not to mention that you were basically a victim of a highly disordered individual and that he isn't worth your tears.

 

Your first instinct to stay away from him and turn him down was correct. So focus on that - you were perfectly fine and happy single. You will be again. This guy is not your life, only a brief chapter and a lesson to recognize and keep away from people like that in the future. People like him aren't there for anyone, they are only there for themselves. Now you know and I dare say, next time, especially if you do some homework on this, you'll be much better able to recognize the bs and run away screaming from it.

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Sorry this happened. Be glad you are free of this abusive drinking lazy mama's boy. Never get involved with someone who curses at you, lies to you, won't work and who treats you poorly. Get to therapy to sort out the fall out from this. Learn about self respect and what healthy relationships look like. The relationship was always "a mess'

- I was busting my ass waking up early he was sleeping until noon and going out to drink on a wednseday with his friends.

-His mom stopped giving him money

-He would tell me he'd come over to see me

- the answer I got was him yelling at me: F*CK WHAT I SAID, I don't care

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I went to therapy yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow because I am literlly losing my mind. I've had hurtful breakups in the past, but not having closure with someone who I thought cared about me is driving me insane, it's breaking me down mentally. I am trying to put inside my head that I'm better than this, but I just can't. I am so afraid he'll treat me badly in front of his friends and that he'll hook up or make me jealous. I just wanted some safety, I just wanted him to say "it's fine, I won't hurt you, I just don't want to talk" anything like that would've been fine. But choosing to IGNORE me is just beyond my understanding of the human mind. How could one be so evil?

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I went to therapy yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow because I am literlly losing my mind. I've had hurtful breakups in the past, but not having closure with someone who I thought cared about me is driving me insane, it's breaking me down mentally. I am trying to put inside my head that I'm better than this, but I just can't. I am so afraid he'll treat me badly in front of his friends and that he'll hook up or make me jealous. I just wanted some safety, I just wanted him to say "it's fine, I won't hurt you, I just don't want to talk" anything like that would've been fine. But choosing to IGNORE me is just beyond my understanding of the human mind. How could one be so evil?

 

Yes, evil people exist.

 

Stop projecting yourself onto him. He isn't like you. He doesn't have your values, your morals, your anything really. He is not like you, he doesn't think like you, he doesn't feel like you. He is your polar extreme opposite. Yes, people who are completely different from you exist. A good idea to understand and accept that and also learn how to recognize and stay far away from them.

 

Stop wanting someone who used you and hurt you to comfort you. In a way, sure it's normal what you want. But in a way, it's like asking a poisonous snake that just bit you with their poison to provide you with an antidote. Not going to happen. If you want to live, you will need to go to a hospital and get that antidote.

 

I will repeat again - serial cheater, liar, manipulator, loser, user, abuser - is this really a person worth missing or crying about?

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Focus less on him and less on calling him names. It's not going to do any good what you call him, quite honestly. The problem is you so start fixing your anxiety and figure out a way to avoid characters that undermine who and what you are. As you build resentment, that resentment will also eat at you and drain your energy. You're not capitalizing on your strengths. Instead you're preying on the weaknesses of others and building up negativity in yourself.

 

You're never really going to stop being a magnet for bad behaviour if you don't change your perspective and the way you date.

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Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me, and I hear a song (we were always deeply connected by music too) and I remember so many good times together, I could tell he felt something for me, I know it was real, his smile, us laughing with each other... how does it all feel like a lie now? How can he feel nothing towards me in such little time? I just can't stop crying..

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Focus less on him and less on calling him names. It's not going to do any good what you call him, quite honestly. The problem is you so start fixing your anxiety and figure out a way to avoid characters that undermine who and what you are. As you build resentment, that resentment will also eat at you and drain your energy. You're not capitalizing on your strengths. Instead you're preying on the weaknesses of others and building up negativity in yourself.

 

You're never really going to stop being a magnet for bad behaviour if you don't change your perspective and the way you date.

 

thank you for this.

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I think you had some serious rose-coloured glasses for this guy.

 

He has a history of cheating. (You don't know he hasn't already done the same to you, unfortunately) He is lazy and spoiled and mooches off others. He is irresponsible. The overall impression I get is that he is an incredibly immature person. You really only saw that in the way that he broke up with you, but he was never as great as you believed.

 

I am sorry this has happened, in any event. He sounds like a tool. It seems it's going to be a big wake-up call for you in terms of paying more attention to the red flags earlier on. They were there. This relationship didn't have legs, but I have a feeling it will be a significant turning point for you and you will make better choices in dating in the future.

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Thank you everyone for the replies. I feel a little better. I’m still a mess inside, I cry out of the blue, my mind won’t stop going round and round and I feel like I’m doing things on automatic. This is probably the biggest relationship trauma of my life and I don’t even know how to put into words what I’m feeling... all I know is that I was an amazing woman to this guy even though he did not recognize that, and through all this emptiness I’m feeling I feel like I’ve done my best too...

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simply left without giving me the right for us to work things out

 

I know you are hurting and venting out feelings but some of the words you chose to describe what's transpiring has a small bit of entitlement to it.

 

I suppose after all you did for him you should feel you are entitled to an explanation. Or - the right to work it out. But ultimately people don't stay or love someone because they feel a sense of obligation for all that was done for them.

 

In the future don't overcompensate for man-children. By doing so you created a parent/child relationship and children eventually grow up. And they ultimately don't respect you for doing `too much' for them.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Try not to mind read and anticipate all these terrible things he'll do. By doing so you are only hurting yourself, long after he's already left. Maybe lay low in the meantime, at least until some of the intensity passes and you can see thing a little more clearer.

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Give him tons of time to "breathe" meaning make a final break from him. Break up for real. Do it politely and calmly. You deserve happiness and he's not the one for you. Never remain in a toxic, dysfunctional relationship because all he'll do is drag you down with him. Be with normal minded, stable people.

 

Also, if he ghosted you, good riddance! You should be glad and relieved! He needs to take a long walk on a short pier.

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simply left without giving me the right for us to work things out

 

I know you are hurting and venting out feelings but some of the words you chose to describe what's transpiring has a small bit of entitlement to it.

 

I suppose after all you did for him you should feel you are entitled to an explanation. Or - the right to work it out. But ultimately people don't stay or love someone because they feel a sense of obligation for all that was done for them.

 

In the future don't overcompensate for man-children. By doing so you created a parent/child relationship and children eventually grow up. And they ultimately don't respect you for doing `too much' for them.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Try not to mind read and anticipate all these terrible things he'll do. By doing so you are only hurting yourself, long after he's already left. Maybe lay low in the meantime, at least until some of the intensity passes and you can see thing a little more clearer.

 

Bingo.

 

I dont think hes a narcissist and guess what? None of us here would even slightly have the ability to diagnose anyone with a serious mental illness, so I'd kinda avoid that road because it just feeds what you describe as an already unhealthy sense of reality.

 

He was a jerk, but with your low self esteem, he was your dating pool and you got him and clung to him like white on rice. You were needy by your own retelling, and he got what he wanted out of you, your acts of service made you think that made him in debt to you, but thats not how normal relationships work.

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So did he actually say to you that he's breaking up and it's over? Because you said: "He broke up and just disappeared". He sounds awful but to be honest, if he did break up with you first then it's not exactly ghosting. I guess he just ended it and now he doesn't want to talk anymore. I know you desperately want to know the reason why he ended it but the reason may just be that he found other girls (He was a cheater before), or now that he has a job and he has money, he doesn't need you anymore. It sounds like he was using you financially. He is also a coward if after more than a year and more than two years of friendship he can't talk at least once to explain himself to you. I think you are much better off without him.

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He is also a coward if after more than a year and more than two years of friendship he can't talk at least once to explain himself to you. I think you are much better off without him.

 

This is what is making me more upset. It's not like he's some random guy who I dated and it didn't work out. I've been in love with guys that ended terribly, but we went our own ways... no friendship, nothing. But with this guy, I actually thought he had some respect for everything we had, even before the romantic relationship.

 

He answered me yesterday, saying he's got no time for anything, that he's doing a course and then has to go to work. And I believe him, but don't you have 10 minutes of your day to respond me? Did you really have to ignore me for 2 days straight? When he texted me back, I started crying, but not because I was sad or happy, but out of anger and I was also angry at myself for letting him get to me like this.

 

I told him I wanted a mature conversation, at some point, and I asked him to not ignore me. And then he did ignore me. I am done with this BS. I texted him again saying I will move on with my life and if he at wants to talk to me, he can text me, if not, we'll just see each other around. I am honestly baffled about how he didn't even miss me or thought about me because he's just "so busy". I'm really wondering what this guy wanted to do with me in the first place. I think he has no respect for anyone in his life.

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I think he has no respect for anyone in his life.

 

You think? People are who they are, and this is a man who has repeatedly, and glaringly, shown you that he is immune to respecting you, other people, and himself. Cheated up the wazoo on his ex. Can hardly be bothered to work. Mooches off others. Lashes out in childish ways. And so on, and so forth.

 

In other words, he is, right now, being very consistent. There is nothing baffling to it, nothing mysterious. You just don't want to see that because it means accepting what has always been the truth, the truth you have bent your brain and scarred your heart to avoid accepting: that he is complete jerk, that you invested your heart in a complete jerk. Tough pill to swallow, that one, so you want him to give you a glass of water to make it go down easier.

 

But investing our hearts in jerks does not transform them into saints. The opposite, in fact. It rewards their jerky behavior. So if you're wondering what he wanted from you—well, it's that, what everyone wants in romance: a reward for being themselves.

 

I understand your hurt, your frustration, and I'm sorry you're in the spins. But try to understand the irony of what you want right now: that if he was capable, in breaking up, to treat you with warmth, with kindness, with maturity then you would not be breaking up. You'd be in a healthy relationship with a good dude. But no. You were never in a healthy relationship, but in a dysfunctional relationship with a bad dude. Your breakup, as breakups do, is just mirroring the dynamic you guys had when you were together.

 

You are angry right now because he is refusing to give you the story you have been telling yourself, the story you've clung onto in order to stay in something that you should have let go of before it really started. What seems like a simple enough thing for you—a 10 minute mature conversation—is simply impossible for him. You've never had that. To expect it now, when things are over, is a fool's errand. It's like a professional tennis player being upset with an elementary school kid for failing to return a 125 mph serve. Sure, he can complain about the injustice of it all, or he can go play tennis with someone who knows how to play on his level.

 

If you're willing to dig deep—to take the lens off of him and put it back onto you—I think you'll come to see that your frustrations right now, while totally human, are a bit misdirected. You are seeking a reward for your efforts. You want him to give you the one thing he never gave you: respect, decency. But people give what they have to give, not what we want them to give. They don't exist to serve us, which is why we try to choose people who compliment us. Use this moment to explore why you chose someone who did not compliment you—as, it seems, you've done in the past—and you'll be much better off than waiting for him to transform into someone he is not, and has never been.

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When you get involved with someone who shows you love and trust, you at least expect that person to respect you. I honestly don't have any doubts in what a human being is capable of doing. And in all honesty, the more he ignores me and treats me as if I'm invisible, the more I lose anything good I ever felt towards him. It's easy to love someone when you've got nothing but the person there, it's easy to love when everything is going good and you both are getting along. It was so easy to love me when I was "perfect" and didn't care about him the way I care now. He is truly the worst person I had the displeasure to have a relationship. It's curious he says I make him feel guilty when I say I have anxiety attacks because of all this. Well, in a way he is, if he felt so bad about it he would care about me more. He's a selfish jerk, I have never felt so betrayed in my life. The more the time goes by, the more I am disgusted by this person.

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HE BROKE UP WITH YOU!!!!!

 

I’m not saying he doesn’t sound like a jerk because he does but man Im glad I’m not the only one who sees through your tinted entitlement lens.He didn’t ghost you, he broke up with you, he’s responding to you, he’s just not ‘saving’ you, you’re expecting him to come back out of obligation. No, no, no.

 

You are doing yourself such a disservice right now. Leave him alone, stop demanding he respond to you. Just stop. Leave it alone you’re broken up. I hope for your sake you will stay single and work on your self esteem, if not you’ll just attract another guy just like him and it’ll be rinse wash repeat.

 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I have no doubt it’s painful, but again you gotta work through these codependent expectations if you’re to start to let him go.

 

Also you don’t have to villainize him to make give yourself a false sense of self, it’s short lived, if you find joy in his failures you’ll find pain in his triumphs, your focus is better used on you, why you accepted his treatment, etc.

 

I wish you luck on your journey.

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