Am I being guilt tripped?

Hi all

Look for a bit of advice here. My gf and I have been together 4 years. But I feel like sometimes I'm being guilt tripped into what she wants. She seems to have an array of physical and emotional problems, which have only got worse since we moved to a new city together. She'll call me up and tell me this list of problems she has, which inevitably happen on days when I am due to meet friends or socialise. Of course I'll offer to come home as soon as work is done so she doesn't have to be alone, but she never accepts, but only continues to tell me how bad the problems are. Of course I feel bad, I don't want her to suffer, but I also don't want to always give up my social life. As we're new to the city she doesn't have too many others who can help in the same way I can.

What should I do? And am I being harsh if I consider this manipulation?

Thanks

What are the problems? We need more info.

Yes. We need more info. What kinds of problems does she call you about?

A mix of physical and mental health issues. She has anxiety and panic attacks when she gets very stressed. But also a lot of minor physical things like muscle pains or sore knee.

Yes. We need more info. What kinds of problems does she call you about?

A mix of physical and mental health issues. She has anxiety and panic attacks when she gets very stressed. But also a lot of minor physical things like muscle pains or sore knee.

Personally, I do not think you should indulge this, as you are enabling. What would she do if you were not there?

Has she always been like this?

I think you should speak with her frankly about the way this makes you feel. Harbouring your misgivings to yourself isn't going to build on trust in the relationship. If you've already got one foot out the door and she senses that you've checked out of the relationship but aren't ready to fully let go, it doesn't benefit anyone in the relationship. Make up your mind whether you want to be with her or not, speak honestly with each other and rebuild your trust in each other. If you don't want to do that, end it.

To answer your question, yes you are being guilt tripped.

That said, what do you want to do about it?

She is an adult and it's on her to seek medical help if that's what she needs, seek counseling or take meds for her anxiety, get a life and find new friends. You cannot be her everything or your relationship will burn out fast. There is a big difference between being supportive as in "sure I'll drive you to your physical therapy appointment for your knee because you'll be too sore/tired to drive after that." and dropping everything and rushing home or listening to her whine and whine while she does nothing to help herself. You are posting here because you are already feeling the burn out building up.

It's probably high time to sit down and have an adult conversation about things and make some plans to improve the situation, including her working on getting a social life. Can you bring her along to some of your things, maybe where other guys bring their gf's/wives around so she can start socializing more? I think you need to be very direct that her inaction and 100% reliance on you is taking a big negative toll on the relationship and won't work in the long run.

At the end of the day, she is not 5 years old and you aren't her daddy.

A mix of physical and mental health issues. She has anxiety and panic attacks when she gets very stressed. But also a lot of minor physical things like muscle pains or sore knee.

OK, you just described what every adult feels like most days. My guess is she is a whiner. Tell her to suck it up!

She sounds unhappy in general and with you/the relationship in particular. Did she move because of you/your work? Is she homesick? No she is not "manipulating" you, she is crying out for attention albeit in unhealthy ways. You've been with her 4 years and now it's worse so clearly the new city is bothering her.

Why don't you try to keep the romance alive a bit more? Do you have date nights? Do you do fun things on weekends? Have you made efforts to explore your new city together? Have you signed up for clubs events groups that you could do together? Have you tried to make new friends with neighbors or people at golf or other types or clubs groups? When is the last time you went back and visited friends/family where you came from?

If you are just going to work then going out with your people and without her, and not doing much else with her you can expect her discontent and 'aches and pains' to get much worse. Soon you'll hear how "she's been thinking", then you'll be "blindsided" that she suddenly left 'out of the blue". In other words, her complaints are unhappiness and loneliness dressed up as hypochondria.

She seems to have an array of physical and emotional problems, which have only got worse since we moved to a new city together. She'll call me up and tell me this list of problems she has, which inevitably happen on days when I am due to meet friends or socialise.As we're new to the city she doesn't have too many others who can help in the same way I can.

You can't be with her for every single minute of the day. Why is she having trouble understanding this? She sounds histrionic...

Has she mentioned that she misses home?

She sounds like a real drag and won't allow you to have a social life unless you revolve her life 24 / 7. She's being selfish and manipulative. YOU need to enforce boundaries with her and YOU need to get tough.

Or, can she join you with your friends and can you introduce them to her? Do they have girlfriends so you can introduce them to your gf? Include her in your social life since you're a couple now. This is what my husband did for me when we were dating. I enjoyed being with his friends and they eventually became my friends, too.

She sounds unhappy in general and with you/the relationship in particular. Did she move because of you/your work? Is she homesick? No she is not "manipulating" you, she is crying out for attention albeit in unhealthy ways. You've been with her 4 years and now it's worse so clearly the new city is bothering her.

 

Why don't you try to keep the romance alive a bit more? Do you have date nights? Do you do fun things on weekends? Have you made efforts to explore your new city together? Have you signed up for clubs events groups that you could do together? Have you tried to make new friends with neighbors or people at golf or other types or clubs groups? When is the last time you went back and visited friends/family where you came from?

 

If you are just going to work then going out with your people and without her, and not doing much else with her you can expect her discontent and 'aches and pains' to get much worse. Soon you'll hear how "she's been thinking", then you'll be "blindsided" that she suddenly left 'out of the blue". In other words, her complaints are unhappiness and loneliness dressed up as hypochondria.

Well I've tried most of those things. The problems always seem to flare up just before we are due to do something new. At least she seems comfortable around my friends - I always invite her to spend time with my work friends. Initially she didn't want to but now she is happy to come to those meet ups.

Well I've tried most of those things. The problems always seem to flare up just before we are due to do something new. At least she seems comfortable around my friends - I always invite her to spend time with my work friends. Initially she didn't want to but now she is happy to come to those meet ups.

Well then you are seeing who she is, Ms. Downer. So, is this good enough for you?

There's no value in assigning a label to her behaviour. And there is no value in taking a "You're right, she's wrong" approach.

Her behaviour centers around her needs being met. That is selfish. Selfish isn't always a bad thing. The self is very important. The issue seems like she's always putting her needs ahead of yours. This would get tiring. Ultimately separate the individual from the behaviour, and deal with the behaviour.

I suspect a major life change, like you have made recently, is going to exacerbate the anxiety. Maybe what she is experiencing is temporary, and will resolve as she gets more familiar and secure with her new surroundings. If you love her, and want this to work, this is an issue for the professionals. If her anxiety continues, or worsens, then you have a different decision to make. For now take a deep breath, shoulder more of the burden while you try to get her anxiety sorted.

Although anger and resentment might be normal, it won't solve any of your problems. Don't make any decision while you're angry.

Did you move for your work?

my work friends.