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Thread: She was hit on by one of her friends

  1. #1
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    She was hit on by one of her friends

    So my girlfriend one year and six months has proven for the most part that she is loyal. Unfortunately she doesnít tell me important things like how one of her friends just got sweet with her over text, and that has me worried. Allow me to explain.

    My girlfriend and I are on completely open terms with each other as far as our relationship goes. Even to the point where we know all of each otherís passcodes to everything. One day however Iím scrolling through her phone waiting for my own to charge because Iím curious as to how a conversation between her and her sister went about moving in with her sister. Thatís when I notice the preview of a text with one of her friends that I already know talking about drinking together. So I click on that because it worries me. Lo and behold, there is an entire conversation about drinking one on one with each other in this guys bedroom. But even worse is the fact that he low key gets sweet on her when she tells him she gets flirty when she drinks. He responds, ďflirty or y?Ē And she barely shuts him down by telling him ďjust flirty.Ē He continues to egg her on in the conversation and it clearly feels sexually charged, and somewhere along the lines she brings up a story about making out drunk and he tells her she should come over in that case but she closes the conversation by saying she couldnít make out with him because she ďstill hasĒ me and that he wouldnít like it if she did that to him while he was still in a relationship. But the biggest problem I have with this conversation is that despite him getting fresh with her initially she still insists that they should drink togetherónot in her bedroom but his. She just insists that she ďknows her limits.Ē On top of that I donít know if I can fully get behind her rejection of his coming in to her because it doesnít feel like a rejection. Just that she ďstill hasĒ me like in an obligation to be loyal to. Not completely shutting down the whole idea of drinking with him, putting ideas in his head that thereís still some chance, knowing how she gets when sheís drunk, knowing how Iíd feel about her throwing herself in that kind of situation. Not that, she doesnít like him like that because she likes me, no, just because she still has me.

    The big problem here is this friend of hers is, first of all, freshly broken up with his girlfriend. She heís clearly lonely and desperate. But this is a friend sheís known since before me. But this is also a friend sheís sent nudes to before she knew me as well. So I donít know how to feel about this. Iíve told my girlfriend to tell me about situations like this in the future and she still hasnít told me about this yet, as I wait day after day for her to be honest with me about this. Because this isnít the first time a serious situation like this happened that she decided not to tell me about. In fact this isnít the first time someone has said something about her that Iím uncomfortable with that sheís treated like attention.

  2. #2
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    Bottom line, you don't trust your girlfriend. You call it being "open and honest" but it's really you wanting "permission" to check up on her because you think she's going to do something inappropriate.

    Now that you've found out she is in fact making plans to spend time with a guy she sent nude pics to, you've proven yourself "right".

    So all you can do is ask her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She may know her limits but she doesn't have any "BOUNDARIES". When in a relationship there needs to be boundaries set in place in regards to opposite sex interactions. She needs to understand there is a certain etiquette to follow when you share your life with someone...one on one's, drinking in a guys bedroom, IMO is a huge dealbreaker. Doesn't matter that she won't physically do anything, it's how it looks, and the lack of respect to you. I'm sure if the tables were turned she would be having a fit.
    Don't sit and wait, you need to address it now....if it doesn't go over too well, then you may consider finding a new GF. IMO she's not GF material...not yet anyway....maybe when she grows up.

  4. #4
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    You haven't trusted her for a while now
    [Register to see the link]

    This is just more of the same.

    Why torture yourself? You clearly don't trust her so why continue in this relationship?

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  6. #5
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    I think you are right to be concerned.

    When you consider that 1) By her own admission she gets 'flirty' when she's drunk, and 2) She knows this guy is into her..... then it is entirely inappropriate for her to be making plans to hang out drinking with this guy in his bedroom, just the two of them.

    Well, I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for that to happen in almost any circumstances.

    How do you know she has sent him nudes in the past? That's not something that friends do... she must have been interested in him somewhat before she got together with you.

    I think you should confront her about this. Perhaps you can bring it up without mentioning you went through her messages (because I imagine she'll just try and turn it all around on you by saying you don't trust her for snooping etc). Although, if you both have access to each others phones etc like you say you do, then perhaps it's not a big deal anyway.

  7. #6
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    I tend to find coming somewhere aside from my asinine gosspiy friends for advice to be therapeutic and much more cost efficient. Yes Iíve come here before. Plenty of people here do the same.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Reg
    I think you are right to be concerned.

    When you consider that 1) By her own admission she gets 'flirty' when she's drunk, and 2) She knows this guy is into her..... then it is entirely inappropriate for her to be making plans to hang out drinking with this guy in his bedroom, just the two of them.

    Well, I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for that to happen in almost any circumstances.

    How do you know she has sent him nudes in the past? That's not something that friends do... she must have been interested in him somewhat before she got together with you.

    I think you should confront her about this. Perhaps you can bring it up without mentioning you went through her messages (because I imagine she'll just try and turn it all around on you by saying you don't trust her for snooping etc). Although, if you both have access to each others phones etc like you say you do, then perhaps it's not a big deal anyway.
    Thatís what Iíd like to think. We got to a point where we decided to five each other full access after having a conversation about something she took forever to tell me about. But itís mostly about the fact she hasnít told me about this that concerns me. And I actually know she sent nudes to this guy because sheís told me before after said event that Iíve mentioned because she was practicing being more open about things with me. So at this point she doesnít have the excuse of me snooping, we literally have access to each otherís phones to call each otherís favorite pizza place if the need arises.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She may know her limits but she doesn't have any "BOUNDARIES". When in a relationship there needs to be boundaries set in place in regards to opposite sex interactions. She needs to understand there is a certain etiquette to follow when you share your life with someone...one on one's, drinking in a guys bedroom, IMO is a huge dealbreaker. Doesn't matter that she won't physically do anything, it's how it looks, and the lack of respect to you. I'm sure if the tables were turned she would be having a fit.
    Don't sit and wait, you need to address it now....if it doesn't go over too well, then you may consider finding a new GF. IMO she's not GF material...not yet anyway....maybe when she grows up.

    Iím starting to feel that way, honestly.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Bottom line, you don't trust your girlfriend. You call it being "open and honest" but it's really you wanting "permission" to check up on her because you think she's going to do something inappropriate.

    Now that you've found out she is in fact making plans to spend time with a guy she sent nude pics to, you've proven yourself "right".

    So all you can do is ask her.
    No, I donít. For reasons I made pretty clear. I really want to trust her more, because honestly she hasnít done anything superbly bad or anything, just kept secrets, but she doesnít do much to show sheís as dedicated to the relationship as I am, thatís for sure. Iím not sure why you sound like I should have blindly trusted her in the first place when Iíve been given just enough reason to believe Iím being blindsided by problems in my relationship I can still put effort towards and work on as long as I figure them out for myself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, in your last thread you got a lot of advice. It sounds like, instead of trying to see the big picture, you've continued to try to manage your anxiety through spying, playacting some idea of an "honest, open, mature" relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you who she is, where she is: dishonest, closed off, immature.

    She is 20, nearly a decade younger than you. Her behavior is pretty typical of people in their teens, which she was very recently. Porous boundaries, attention-seeking stuff. Being with you affirms, for her, that she can be in a relationship and explore those instincts, since you've already given her tacit permission. To which you will say: no, noóit's not like that. Except it is like that, you see? It has always been like that. It's been like that in the past, and the texts you just read only confirm it once again.

    So, what to do? Sure, you can have an "open, honest" dialogue about things. You can express yourself, and, together, you two can "work through" this. And when that dust settles? She will not magically morph into a fellow 27-year-old who is ready for a serious relationship, but will be the same 20-year-old who is just getting on her feet as an adult and will continue to stumble in ways that make you uncomfortable, insecure, and regressing backwards into a state of immaturity yourself.

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