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She was hit on by one of her friends


JulianAR

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So my girlfriend one year and six months has proven for the most part that she is loyal. Unfortunately she doesn’t tell me important things like how one of her friends just got sweet with her over text, and that has me worried. Allow me to explain.

 

My girlfriend and I are on completely open terms with each other as far as our relationship goes. Even to the point where we know all of each other’s passcodes to everything. One day however I’m scrolling through her phone waiting for my own to charge because I’m curious as to how a conversation between her and her sister went about moving in with her sister. That’s when I notice the preview of a text with one of her friends that I already know talking about drinking together. So I click on that because it worries me. Lo and behold, there is an entire conversation about drinking one on one with each other in this guys bedroom. But even worse is the fact that he low key gets sweet on her when she tells him she gets flirty when she drinks. He responds, “flirty or y?” And she barely shuts him down by telling him “just flirty.” He continues to egg her on in the conversation and it clearly feels sexually charged, and somewhere along the lines she brings up a story about making out drunk and he tells her she should come over in that case but she closes the conversation by saying she couldn’t make out with him because she “still has” me and that he wouldn’t like it if she did that to him while he was still in a relationship. But the biggest problem I have with this conversation is that despite him getting fresh with her initially she still insists that they should drink together—not in her bedroom but his. She just insists that she “knows her limits.” On top of that I don’t know if I can fully get behind her rejection of his coming in to her because it doesn’t feel like a rejection. Just that she “still has” me like in an obligation to be loyal to. Not completely shutting down the whole idea of drinking with him, putting ideas in his head that there’s still some chance, knowing how she gets when she’s drunk, knowing how I’d feel about her throwing herself in that kind of situation. Not that, she doesn’t like him like that because she likes me, no, just because she still has me.

 

The big problem here is this friend of hers is, first of all, freshly broken up with his girlfriend. She he’s clearly lonely and desperate. But this is a friend she’s known since before me. But this is also a friend she’s sent nudes to before she knew me as well. So I don’t know how to feel about this. I’ve told my girlfriend to tell me about situations like this in the future and she still hasn’t told me about this yet, as I wait day after day for her to be honest with me about this. Because this isn’t the first time a serious situation like this happened that she decided not to tell me about. In fact this isn’t the first time someone has said something about her that I’m uncomfortable with that she’s treated like attention.

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Bottom line, you don't trust your girlfriend. You call it being "open and honest" but it's really you wanting "permission" to check up on her because you think she's going to do something inappropriate.

 

Now that you've found out she is in fact making plans to spend time with a guy she sent nude pics to, you've proven yourself "right".

 

So all you can do is ask her.

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She may know her limits but she doesn't have any "BOUNDARIES". When in a relationship there needs to be boundaries set in place in regards to opposite sex interactions. She needs to understand there is a certain etiquette to follow when you share your life with someone...one on one's, drinking in a guys bedroom, IMO is a huge dealbreaker. Doesn't matter that she won't physically do anything, it's how it looks, and the lack of respect to you. I'm sure if the tables were turned she would be having a fit.

Don't sit and wait, you need to address it now....if it doesn't go over too well, then you may consider finding a new GF. IMO she's not GF material...not yet anyway....maybe when she grows up.

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I think you are right to be concerned.

 

When you consider that 1) By her own admission she gets 'flirty' when she's drunk, and 2) She knows this guy is into her..... then it is entirely inappropriate for her to be making plans to hang out drinking with this guy in his bedroom, just the two of them.

 

Well, I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for that to happen in almost any circumstances.

 

How do you know she has sent him nudes in the past? That's not something that friends do... she must have been interested in him somewhat before she got together with you.

 

I think you should confront her about this. Perhaps you can bring it up without mentioning you went through her messages (because I imagine she'll just try and turn it all around on you by saying you don't trust her for snooping etc). Although, if you both have access to each others phones etc like you say you do, then perhaps it's not a big deal anyway.

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I think you are right to be concerned.

 

When you consider that 1) By her own admission she gets 'flirty' when she's drunk, and 2) She knows this guy is into her..... then it is entirely inappropriate for her to be making plans to hang out drinking with this guy in his bedroom, just the two of them.

 

Well, I'm pretty sure it's inappropriate for that to happen in almost any circumstances.

 

How do you know she has sent him nudes in the past? That's not something that friends do... she must have been interested in him somewhat before she got together with you.

 

I think you should confront her about this. Perhaps you can bring it up without mentioning you went through her messages (because I imagine she'll just try and turn it all around on you by saying you don't trust her for snooping etc). Although, if you both have access to each others phones etc like you say you do, then perhaps it's not a big deal anyway.

 

That’s what I’d like to think. We got to a point where we decided to five each other full access after having a conversation about something she took forever to tell me about. But it’s mostly about the fact she hasn’t told me about this that concerns me. And I actually know she sent nudes to this guy because she’s told me before after said event that I’ve mentioned because she was practicing being more open about things with me. So at this point she doesn’t have the excuse of me snooping, we literally have access to each other’s phones to call each other’s favorite pizza place if the need arises.

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She may know her limits but she doesn't have any "BOUNDARIES". When in a relationship there needs to be boundaries set in place in regards to opposite sex interactions. She needs to understand there is a certain etiquette to follow when you share your life with someone...one on one's, drinking in a guys bedroom, IMO is a huge dealbreaker. Doesn't matter that she won't physically do anything, it's how it looks, and the lack of respect to you. I'm sure if the tables were turned she would be having a fit.

Don't sit and wait, you need to address it now....if it doesn't go over too well, then you may consider finding a new GF. IMO she's not GF material...not yet anyway....maybe when she grows up.

 

 

I’m starting to feel that way, honestly.

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Bottom line, you don't trust your girlfriend. You call it being "open and honest" but it's really you wanting "permission" to check up on her because you think she's going to do something inappropriate.

 

Now that you've found out she is in fact making plans to spend time with a guy she sent nude pics to, you've proven yourself "right".

 

So all you can do is ask her.

 

No, I don’t. For reasons I made pretty clear. I really want to trust her more, because honestly she hasn’t done anything superbly bad or anything, just kept secrets, but she doesn’t do much to show she’s as dedicated to the relationship as I am, that’s for sure. I’m not sure why you sound like I should have blindly trusted her in the first place when I’ve been given just enough reason to believe I’m being blindsided by problems in my relationship I can still put effort towards and work on as long as I figure them out for myself.

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Well, in your last thread you got a lot of advice. It sounds like, instead of trying to see the big picture, you've continued to try to manage your anxiety through spying, playacting some idea of an "honest, open, mature" relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you who she is, where she is: dishonest, closed off, immature.

 

She is 20, nearly a decade younger than you. Her behavior is pretty typical of people in their teens, which she was very recently. Porous boundaries, attention-seeking stuff. Being with you affirms, for her, that she can be in a relationship and explore those instincts, since you've already given her tacit permission. To which you will say: no, no—it's not like that. Except it is like that, you see? It has always been like that. It's been like that in the past, and the texts you just read only confirm it once again.

 

So, what to do? Sure, you can have an "open, honest" dialogue about things. You can express yourself, and, together, you two can "work through" this. And when that dust settles? She will not magically morph into a fellow 27-year-old who is ready for a serious relationship, but will be the same 20-year-old who is just getting on her feet as an adult and will continue to stumble in ways that make you uncomfortable, insecure, and regressing backwards into a state of immaturity yourself.

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I tend to find coming somewhere aside from my asinine gosspiy friends for advice to be therapeutic and much more cost efficient. Yes I’ve come here before. Plenty of people here do the same.

 

The point is that you have been having the same issues with your girlfriend for months now, lack of trust from your part and fuzzy boundaries and waning affection from hers, this behavior of hers is more of the same, why do you continue to tolerate it? If she was going to change, she would have by now.

 

If you choose to stay, then focus on accepting her for who she is. You have no control over anyone but yourself and it's not fair to either of you for you to keep grinding on things you don't like about her.

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Well, in your last thread you got a lot of advice. It sounds like, instead of trying to see the big picture, you've continued to try to manage your anxiety through spying, playacting some idea of an "honest, open, mature" relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you who she is, where she is: dishonest, closed off, immature.

 

She is 20, nearly a decade younger than you. Her behavior is pretty typical of people in their teens, which she was very recently. Porous boundaries, attention-seeking stuff. Being with you affirms, for her, that she can be in a relationship and explore those instincts, since you've already given her tacit permission. To which you will say: no, no—it's not like that. Except it is like that, you see? It has always been like that. It's been like that in the past, and the texts you just read only confirm it once again.

 

So, what to do? Sure, you can have an "open, honest" dialogue about things. You can express yourself, and, together, you two can "work through" this. And when that dust settles? She will not magically morph into a fellow 27-year-old who is ready for a serious relationship, but will be the same 20-year-old who is just getting on her feet as an adult and will continue to stumble in ways that make you uncomfortable, insecure, and regressing backwards into a state of immaturity yourself.

 

Well in lieu of my own growth I can say I certainly appreciate the attentiveness of someone offering their help. I don’t know if I want to call it spying as I’ve really never done that without her permission before, but I can see why it would sound like that’s my intention. And I’ll say based on things that have happened since my last thread yeah at this point it is. But to be clear it’s after having established that level of relationship with her already.

 

So I don’t know. Maybe I’m going to be one of those guys. If worst comes to worst I’d hope to be able to use this place as one small portion of the overall support I need to make the decision I plan on making. I don’t know. I’m wondering how my current situation stacks up with my overall one at the moment honestly.

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The point is that you have been having the same issues with your girlfriend for months now, lack of trust from your part and fuzzy boundaries and waning affection from hers, this behavior of hers is more of the same, why do you continue to tolerate it? If she was going to change, she would have by now.

 

If you choose to stay, then focus on accepting her for who she is. You have no control over anyone but yourself and it's not fair to either of you for you to keep grinding on things you don't like about her.

 

I’ve been told relationships take work. Isn’t this the work people are talking about? If it’s not a deal breaker it can be worked on, can’t it?

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You should not be going though anyone's phone in a relationship.

 

You do not trust this woman, so why do you continue? What does she need to do?

 

Be more honest with me? And I feel like it’s possible to get there? Anyone who wants a finished product as a partner could never guarantee their relationship is going to end up being strong, in my opinion. I mean oy jesus, I know there’s people who honestly think sharing phone codes and the like compromises a relationship but not every couple thinks that way. She’s been on my phone plenty of times at this point too and I’m okay with it.

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I’ve been told relationships take work. Isn’t this the work people are talking about? If it’s not a deal breaker it can be worked on, can’t it?

 

Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

 

I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the table—and there is nobility in that—but a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

 

Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

 

Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.

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Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

 

I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the table—and there is nobility in that—but a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

 

Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

 

Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.

I would rep if I could .

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Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

 

I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the table—and there is nobility in that—but a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

 

Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

 

Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.

 

Yeah that’s a pretty good analogy. I dunno, do people honestly break up over this? I mean she’s gotten to know all my friends, I’ve gotten to know all hers, our families get along, we’ve shared a lot together over the past two years even before we got together. After as much of our relationship as we’ve been through is this level of issue really not worth working on?

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Be more honest with me? And I feel like it’s possible to get there? Anyone who wants a finished product as a partner could never guarantee their relationship is going to end up being strong, in my opinion. I mean oy jesus, I know there’s people who honestly think sharing phone codes and the like compromises a relationship but not every couple thinks that way. She’s been on my phone plenty of times at this point too and I’m okay with it.

 

A healthy relationship does not invclude going through other's phones. You should NOT be reading her messages,. If this is necessary due to trust issues, then you should not be together.

 

Why do you continue with all of this drama and deceit? This is messed up.

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Yeah that’s a pretty good analogy. I dunno, do people honestly break up over this? I mean she’s gotten to know all my friends, I’ve gotten to know all hers, our families get along, we’ve shared a lot together over the past two years even before we got together. After as much of our relationship as we’ve been through is this level of issue really not worth working on?

 

 

You do not trust her!

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My husband and I don’t go through each other’s personal belongings.

 

No trust, no relationship.

 

Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you don’t have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.

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Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you don’t have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.

 

No. When it gets to that point, you end things. You cannot have a relationship without trust.

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