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Thread: She was hit on by one of her friends

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Well, I can safely say Iíve plateaud in this discussion. This is the biggest point that I honestly know itís true. I just still donít know what Iím gonna do.
    I knew things would result this way.

  2. #52
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately your relationship sounds controlling and suffocating and unhealthy. This lack of autonomy and policing and patrolling is quite toxic. Change all the pass codes, get some boundaries and learn what trust vs paranoia is. So what? A friend flirted with her, does that require some sort of true confession?
    Well we had that before and that didnít work. So we took a different approach. Would you honestly be okay in my position? It seems you have a much looser concept of a relationship than I do.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Judged? No, not judging at all. Tough love for sure. People are trying to help you. However, you are deflecting all the advice, arguing while trying to cloak it all as "discussion". Lofty words don't change facts. Nobody here has a pony in your life and your choices. One thing about these boards is that you are going to get honest advice rather than a pat on the back and a carry on as is.

    Whether you can accept the advice or not, that's a different matter. I don't think you are anywhere near ready to accept and that's OK. People move at their own pace. We do have plenty of posters come back later and say that at the time they weren't ready to hear the advice, but some months later came back and read it and were in a different frame, ready for it and it finally helped. It is what it is.
    I personally donít like asking questions on the internet without knowing where my answers are coming from. Thatís all. But I appreciate that you know youíre trying to help.

  4. #54
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I knew things would result this way.
    Iím sorry but if all the people on this board you really helped the least.

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  6. #55
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    If it was today , most likely. We have been together our entire adult lives, we share an adult child. We have had amazing times and really really shyte times. If I was a year and a bit into a relationship I donít think so.

    I think it is too different to compare.
    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    With which I agree. Actually Iíd like to ask, and I hope you do t think Iím being too personalófeel free to avoid my post if it isóif you lost trust in your husband today do you think it would merit working on or would that just be the level of trust you work with from that point on? Yes, our relationships are different, but I want to give a challenging perspective to test your personal perspectives on relationships if thatís okay. Feel free to tell me itís not.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Trust didn't work? Yes going through phones needing to have passcodes etc is weird to me. However honesty, trust, good communication and basic integrity is not weird to me. If someone lacks so much integrity that policing a phone is happening, it's a sign that you need to take the next exit off that highway.
    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Well we had that before and that didnít work. So we took a different approach. Would you honestly be okay in my position? It seems you have a much looser concept of a relationship than I do.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's some tough math to compute.

    Let's hypothetical this a bit, since you like hypotheticals. She keeps on living, growing, maturing. Comes further into herself and comes to see certain things she's doing nowólike having saucy exchanges with randoms while having a boyfriendóas childish, silly, boring, naive, unsatisfying. She evolves into a confident, self-possessed woman of 25 or 27 or 30. How do you think that woman is going to view a 27-year-old man who is obsessing over a 20-year-old woman, scrolling through her phone, and so on?

    Odds are she will find that dude kind of lost, not on the level she wants for a deep, mature, sustainable romance.

    And therein lies the rub, you see? For her to be the person you want her to be she has to outgrow you, which means for you to be the person you want to be you need to do some growing yourself, rather than trying to grow her up as a false reward for you personal growth.

    Not fun to read, I know. I've been in versions of your shoes, rest assured. The only way out of them is....to get out of them. To turn the spotlight away from her and onto you.

  9. #58
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Iím sorry but if all the people on this board you really helped the least.
    Don't take it out on me.

    "But the biggest problem I have with this conversation is that despite him getting fresh with her initially she still insists that they should drink togetherónot in her bedroom but his."
    This should have been enough for you. And, you have so little trust that yo have to police her phone.

    You have trust issues with this kid, but want to continue.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-06-2019 at 02:32 PM.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Trust didn't work? Yes going through phones needing to have passcodes etc is weird to me. However honesty, trust, good communication and basic integrity is not weird to me. If someone lacks so much integrity that policing a phone is happening, it's a sign that you need to take the next exit off that highway.
    Well, from your perspective yeah, you have a point. If I wanted to work on it though, do you think it merits that if I value the relationship enough to do so?

  11. #60
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Here's some tough math to compute.

    Let's hypothetical this a bit, since you like hypotheticals. She keeps on living, growing, maturing. Comes further into herself and comes to see certain things she's doing nowólike having saucy exchanges with randoms while having a boyfriendóas childish, silly, boring, naive, unsatisfying. She evolves into a confident, self-possessed woman of 25 or 27 or 30. How do you think that woman is going to view a 27-year-old man who is obsessing over a 20-year-old woman, scrolling through her phone, and so on?

    Odds are she will find that dude kind of lost, not on the level she wants for a deep, mature, sustainable romance.

    And therein lies the rub, you see? For her to be the person you want her to be she has to outgrow you, which means for you to be the person you want to be you need to do some growing yourself, rather than trying to grow her up as a false reward for you personal growth.

    Not fun to read, I know. I've been in versions of your shoes, rest assured. The only way out of them is....to get out of them. To turn the spotlight away from her and onto you.
    I actually like this answer a lot. And Iím glad you engaged in this discussion with me because I agree with it. Maybe understandin what you said will help me make a decision thatís going to be hard for me to make.

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