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Thread: She was hit on by one of her friends

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

    I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the tableóand there is nobility in thatóbut a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

    Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

    Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.
    Yeah thatís a pretty good analogy. I dunno, do people honestly break up over this? I mean sheís gotten to know all my friends, Iíve gotten to know all hers, our families get along, weíve shared a lot together over the past two years even before we got together. After as much of our relationship as weíve been through is this level of issue really not worth working on?

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Be more honest with me? And I feel like itís possible to get there? Anyone who wants a finished product as a partner could never guarantee their relationship is going to end up being strong, in my opinion. I mean oy jesus, I know thereís people who honestly think sharing phone codes and the like compromises a relationship but not every couple thinks that way. Sheís been on my phone plenty of times at this point too and Iím okay with it.
    A healthy relationship does not invclude going through other's phones. You should NOT be reading her messages,. If this is necessary due to trust issues, then you should not be together.

    Why do you continue with all of this drama and deceit? This is messed up.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Yeah thatís a pretty good analogy. I dunno, do people honestly break up over this? I mean sheís gotten to know all my friends, Iíve gotten to know all hers, our families get along, weíve shared a lot together over the past two years even before we got together. After as much of our relationship as weíve been through is this level of issue really not worth working on?

    You do not trust her!

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My husband and I donít go through each otherís personal belongings.

    No trust, no relationship.
    Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you donít have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you donít have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.
    No. When it gets to that point, you end things. You cannot have a relationship without trust.

  7. #26
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    I do not know why you come to the forum. You refuse to listen to any of the advice given.

  8. #27
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    Well, you donít know what has happened in our 30 year relationship. But , I do know if there is no trust it is almost for certain down hill .
    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Again, not every relationship is like that. I mean the only reason you trust is because you donít have any reasons not to, right? For those of us with reasons we change the state of our relationship to help support what it really is better.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    A healthy relationship does not invclude going through other's phones. You should NOT be reading her messages,. If this is necessary due to trust issues, then you should not be together.

    Why do you continue with all of this drama and deceit? This is messed up.
    Okay let me make this very clear, NO I DO NOT. But she went out of her way to tell me about something that happened that had been happening for a while without my knowledge so we made an agreement to do that instead of breaking up. Because it merited work since she was at the very least honest with me. In retrospect, I hardly look at her phone as it is. After the latest happening Iíd be more inclined to agree with your disposition but before this I feel like itís been a solid step forward in the relationship.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I do not know why you come to the forum. You refuse to listen to any of the advice given.
    Someone actually looking for advice isnít looking for an echo chamber, theyíre looking for a discussion.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Well, you donít know what has happened in our 30 year relationship. But , I do know if there is no trust it is almost for certain down hill .
    Iím not judging your particular relationship with your husband. Iím just saying itís pretty cut and dry what people do in certain states of trust.

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