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Thread: She was hit on by one of her friends

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    I tend to find coming somewhere aside from my asinine gosspiy friends for advice to be therapeutic and much more cost efficient. Yes Iíve come here before. Plenty of people here do the same.
    The point is that you have been having the same issues with your girlfriend for months now, lack of trust from your part and fuzzy boundaries and waning affection from hers, this behavior of hers is more of the same, why do you continue to tolerate it? If she was going to change, she would have by now.

    If you choose to stay, then focus on accepting her for who she is. You have no control over anyone but yourself and it's not fair to either of you for you to keep grinding on things you don't like about her.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, in your last thread you got a lot of advice. It sounds like, instead of trying to see the big picture, you've continued to try to manage your anxiety through spying, playacting some idea of an "honest, open, mature" relationship with someone who has repeatedly shown you who she is, where she is: dishonest, closed off, immature.

    She is 20, nearly a decade younger than you. Her behavior is pretty typical of people in their teens, which she was very recently. Porous boundaries, attention-seeking stuff. Being with you affirms, for her, that she can be in a relationship and explore those instincts, since you've already given her tacit permission. To which you will say: no, noóit's not like that. Except it is like that, you see? It has always been like that. It's been like that in the past, and the texts you just read only confirm it once again.

    So, what to do? Sure, you can have an "open, honest" dialogue about things. You can express yourself, and, together, you two can "work through" this. And when that dust settles? She will not magically morph into a fellow 27-year-old who is ready for a serious relationship, but will be the same 20-year-old who is just getting on her feet as an adult and will continue to stumble in ways that make you uncomfortable, insecure, and regressing backwards into a state of immaturity yourself.
    Well in lieu of my own growth I can say I certainly appreciate the attentiveness of someone offering their help. I donít know if I want to call it spying as Iíve really never done that without her permission before, but I can see why it would sound like thatís my intention. And Iíll say based on things that have happened since my last thread yeah at this point it is. But to be clear itís after having established that level of relationship with her already.

    So I donít know. Maybe Iím going to be one of those guys. If worst comes to worst Iíd hope to be able to use this place as one small portion of the overall support I need to make the decision I plan on making. I donít know. Iím wondering how my current situation stacks up with my overall one at the moment honestly.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by maew
    The point is that you have been having the same issues with your girlfriend for months now, lack of trust from your part and fuzzy boundaries and waning affection from hers, this behavior of hers is more of the same, why do you continue to tolerate it? If she was going to change, she would have by now.

    If you choose to stay, then focus on accepting her for who she is. You have no control over anyone but yourself and it's not fair to either of you for you to keep grinding on things you don't like about her.
    Iíve been told relationships take work. Isnít this the work people are talking about? If itís not a deal breaker it can be worked on, canít it?

  4. #14
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    You should not be going though anyone's phone in a relationship.

    You do not trust this woman, so why do you continue? What does she need to do?

  5.  

  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Iíve been told relationships take work. Isnít this the work people are talking about? If itís not a deal breaker it can be worked on, canít it?
    No.................

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    You should not be going though anyone's phone in a relationship.

    You do not trust this woman, so why do you continue? What does she need to do?
    Be more honest with me? And I feel like itís possible to get there? Anyone who wants a finished product as a partner could never guarantee their relationship is going to end up being strong, in my opinion. I mean oy jesus, I know thereís people who honestly think sharing phone codes and the like compromises a relationship but not every couple thinks that way. Sheís been on my phone plenty of times at this point too and Iím okay with it.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    No.................
    Okay really though? So whatís youíre opinion then?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JulianAR
    Iíve been told relationships take work. Isnít this the work people are talking about? If itís not a deal breaker it can be worked on, canít it?
    Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

    I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the tableóand there is nobility in thatóbut a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

    Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

    Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My husband and I donít go through each otherís personal belongings.

    No trust, no relationship.

  11. #20
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sure, they take work. The question becomes: What kind of job do you want it to feel like? Lifting bricks into a wheelbarrow at the construction site? Or writing the great American novel? Work that is draining, obligatory, and exhausting? Or work that is edifying, enlightening, fueled by passion, that pushes you to access your highest self alongside another accessing their highest self?

    I think a lot of people use the phrase "relationships take work" to rationalize staying in something that is breaking their back, to give the pain and discomfort an air of nobility, to rewrite certain lesser, self-centric traits (fear of being alone, obsession with control) as selfless. You may need to haul those bricks to pay rent, to put food on the tableóand there is nobility in thatóbut a relationship is not mandatory. You get to decide what kind of person, and what kind of issues, are worth "working on." In this dynamic, your "work" sounds a lot like working to mold her into someone she is not.

    Me? I don't much want to "work" at trust. To me that's like "working" on finding someone attractive, or intellectually compelling. These are things that are there, or not, that you build organically together, or fail to build together. I want to work on the deeper waters, in them, rather than continuously working on plugging the holes in the vessel so it can hold the water, if that makes sense.

    Something to think about as you step forward here, or in whatever direction you choose to step.
    I would rep if I could .

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