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Thread: He wants to experiment with his feminine side

  1. #21
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    My brother is gay, and I've been by his side since he came out 30 years ago, so yes, I'm educated on that topic.

    I do understand that exploring doesn't mean transitioning, and that is why I talked about it with him in the first place, I offered my support to understand what is going on inside his mind, to help him, but I am confused. I mean if he never approved of my brother, then why he wants to explore his feminine side?

    It's contradictory, don't you think so?

  2. #22
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    I wish! Cleaning is always a good therapy, that's what my mom says.

  3. #23
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    I am quite a cool person, very still and into meditation whenever I need to burst out some curses. So, nope, no spite or anger towards him at all. My kids, on the other hand, are teenagers, they see and shut down, but when he leaves the house on business, they can't stop talking about all the things they saw during the weekend, and doesn't matter how much I repeat they should not judge him, and leave him his space, is not working anymore.

    It has been seven months since they found out, and I do believe it is starting to affect them.

  4. #24
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    I told him I want him to be happy, whatever that means. That is why I offered my support in the first place, talked openly about it, weekly chats on how he feels and if there is something I can help him with to understand what is going on.

    He shuts off and smiles, continuing whatever he was doing.

    The only thing he asked me was to go to the supermarket to get new makeup because he didn't want to buy it himself. He said: "I'm not ready to buy it by myself."

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  6. #25
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    I can't go to therapy without him noticing, he has access to all the credit cards and medical bills at home, so If I go, he would know and will go defensive or ask why I'm doing that.
    I need to be financially independent first.

    Disgust is not what I feel, more like sad and confused. 25 years of marriage are a lot.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by McMurphy1973
    I told him I want him to be happy, whatever that means. That is why I offered my support in the first place, talked openly about it, weekly chats on how he feels and if there is something I can help him with to understand what is going on.

    He shuts off and smiles, continuing whatever he was doing.

    The only thing he asked me was to go to the supermarket to get new makeup because he didn't want to buy it himself. He said: "I'm not ready to buy it by myself."
    Well....I think the writing is on the wall. His ongoing refusal to talk about it is the selfish part. He wants you all to cruise in ignorance until he is ready to move on or dive into whatever he wants and what you are seeing is a steady march in that direction. He might be short on words, but his actions speak loud and clear.

    You are about as open and understanding as you can be under the circumstances, however, I think you need to quietly consult with an attorney and prepare for the end of your marriage. At the very least, know your rights and options and be sure you don't get hit broadside by anything. Know where the money is, get control of some things, etc. Shore up some financial security measures so you don't get blindsided.

    Btw, if you hit the "reply to quote" button when responding to posters, it will help a lot to know who you are talking to.

  8. #27
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    I know, when he asked me to join me to the mani-pedi I was happy we would finally do something adventurous, but he stood me up and said he had a business meeting. He says he still is into me, but he doesn't even hold my hand anymore, kisses? On the cheek -very polite-

    When I asked about it, the first thing he said was: "I'm not gay, I wouldn't do that to you, you know?"

    I don't know what to think about his comment your know?

  9. #28
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    sounds like a plan as soon as I get a job and pay for therapy without him knowing

  10. #29
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, let me just say that you sound awesome. And so, honestly, does he. Whether you guys can still be awesome together—well, that's the million dollar question at the moment, isn't it?

    I can't help but get the feeling that he barely understands this moment. Which is understandable. He's exploring...something within him. Whatever this something is, it is clearly at odds with other things—namely, his conservative streak. It makes sense, in other words, that your brother has triggered discomfort in him, since your brother is someone who has fully stepped into a hard truth that has some shades of the hard truth your husband has struggled to step into in himself.

    No, I'm not saying your husband is gay. This isn't the moment for labels, and personally I believe all the labels around sexuality and gender still don't address the truths between the cracks, the truths he is exploring and reckoning with right now. Something that has been suppressed is surfacing, and the really tricky thing here is that he is unwilling (or, more accurately, unable) to acknowledge it clearly.

    Were he a single dude at 25—fine, flail around, wear some makeup, see where the chips land. Were he a married, childless man of 31—fine, ditto, with some patience and openness it could be navigated with grace. But you guys have kids, kids generally see about a million more things than we give them credit for, and while your mom sense is signaling to you that the center can't hold his dad sense has been somewhat snuffed out by his exploration.

    Would it be so bad if he noticed you started going to therapy? Would it be so bad if you told him it was because you loved him, loved yourself, loved your family, and need help navigating this chapter since you feel he's not able to offer that help?

    If he does not clearly see how this is affecting you, and your/his family, it's going to be hard for him to see that his exploring is coming with costs that may lead to him feeling more lost than found on the search.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by McMurphy1973
    I can't go to therapy without him noticing, he has access to all the credit cards and medical bills at home, so If I go, he would know and will go defensive or ask why I'm doing that.
    I need to be financially independent first.

    Disgust is not what I feel, more like sad and confused. 25 years of marriage are a lot.
    You don't need to be financially independent first. You need to consult with a good divorce attorney and learn your rights and what you are entitled to. If he was the sole provider while you were staying home raising the kids, then you might be surprised just how much he owes you. Raising children is a job as far as the law is concerned and quantifiable in divorce court.

    As for him asking why or getting defensive - why can't you be honest with him? What he is doing will affect people and come with consequences. He isn't a child, he knows this. If you need help and support, you are entitled. What he isn't entitled to is standing in your way or guilt tripping you about it. Sounds like there are other serious issues in your relationship in addition to his cross dressing. An imbalance of power.

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