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Thread: 10 years 2 kids left me for another man advice please

  1. #1
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    10 years 2 kids left me for another man advice please

    I need some advice. So after a 10 year relationship and 2 kids 27m 26f. Relationship was pretty good imo vacations, laughter good times. I got laid off last year was on unemployment and in school for a year during this time it was very stressful on the both of us I admit. I also admit I neglected her in some ways I wasnít doing things around the house or helping with the kids as much as I could. All the signs were there, her attitude changed, she started going out all the time. As soon as I finished school and got on my feet she hit me with the ďI need space to find myself, blah blahĒ she has been unhappy with herself, her job, her life for a while and I feel sheís projecting that too. Prior to the breakup I started finding pics of her and some dude and phone calls. 2 weeks later confirmed she is sleeping with him she says it got physical after but she definitely emotionally cheated. Lies on lies on lies. I know the love was real and I wasnít the most faithful early on in the relationship. She tells me all these bread crumbsĒ Iím her soulmate,In the future.Ē I donít think itís going to last with her and this guy. I understand she cheated and has shown me sheís untrustworthy but a part of me does feel it was just the toll of this last year. I think I could forgive her. At first I was begging and pleading but now realize how pathetic that is considering the situation. Iím now in limited contact. She told me she fears losing me itís like she doesnít want me to move on. Later admitted she just needed to see whatís out there I donít know if itís gigs or what. She acts overly nice now that Iíve put my foot down and wished her the best. I donít get it. My question is would you guys take someone back in this situation. She comes between my place,her sisters, and the rebounds. I really love this woman and we have 2 beautiful children. What are the chances of fixing things. Itís been 3 months now a lot of personal progress has been made Iím pretty neutral about things

    Update: we ended up drinking together and sleeping together. my curiousity got the best of me and I went through her phone and seen a bunch of things I shouldnít have about her and the rebound among others. I ended up messaging rebound letting him know where I stand because I found out he was around my children. I know I shouldnít have. She was very upset saying I ruined things between them(which I doubt) Iím the core of most of their convos.

    Also understand that I understand I shouldnít be waiting and focus on moving on which I am.

    I know that since she cheated and left me for someone else I should have self respect l, dignity, value. Iím working on that Iíve realized my worth. Not ready to date yet but almost there.

    We have been together since high school she has had a decent amount of partners but I do see that the relationship got boring I couldnít do as much because of my work/school situation

    She seems so obsessed with the rebound seeing him everyday so much to the point of neglecting her children. Is this normal? Is she in love? Is it the newness? Gigs?

    But my questions are
    ēwhat are the chances of us getting back together we were together since high school and I feel like if the relationship was that bad she would have left a long time ago

    ēshould I believe in second chances?

    ēShe seems so obsessed with the rebound seeing him everyday so much to the point of neglecting her children. Is this normal? Is she in love? Is it the newness? Gigs? Will this fade itís terrible to see how she swoons.

    * can you really get over someone you have children with?
    * Do these things make relationships stronger I feel deep down that itís a test and that we will be back together(she also says the same thing but also says rebound may be something more). Or I may be delusional

  2. #2
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    Sheís exchanging bodily fluids with another man... kissing your children with the same mouth she uses to pleasure him... and you want her back?

  3. #3
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    Also reasons for breaking up were. I need space. I want to focus on myself. I want to finish school. They all seemed like she was grasping for straws but I tried my best to respect it after the initial shock

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    I know man. I wasnít her first lover. Most people arenít I believe thatís a immature perspective.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Empof401
    I know man. I wasnít her first lover. Most people arenít I believe thatís a immature perspective.
    Immediate NC, except what is required for the children. There really is no other option.

    Fear she will lose you? She has already done so.

    If She wants to come back to the table at some point, it sounds like she is going to need alot of emotional growth...i.e. both emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And certainly not while she is banging some dude.

    Unless your all of a sudden in the business of dragging people up the mountain, kicking and screaming the whole way... which never works.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    You may or may not get back together.
    Noone can predict the future. However, at this point you need to draw some boundaries. Imo, staying around while there is a third party is not going to win you any brownie points. In a way it facilitates her transition to the other dude. Imo, you need to go no contact limiting conversations only to kid related issues and treat this as a legitimate break up. Learn from your mistakes so as not to repeat them but do not let her step all over your boundaries because she will not respect you for it, only take you for granted. Your children and healing should be your top priority. She may or may not come around. However, as long as there is a third party she will be with one foot out the door. I would not enter into any reconciliation discussions as long as there is a third party. You need to draw some firm boundaries and uphold them at all costs or you risk being jerked around indefinitely. If she neglects your children, protecting them should be your top priority. Other than that, keep no contact and let her sort out her quarter life crises all on her own as she asked.

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    Clio very true. Iím no longer pursuing. She will have to prove to me why we should try again. I have been setting boundaries which she seemed to have a problem with.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you still live together?

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do you still live together?
    Itís on and off she comes between her sisters and mines her sisters is inconvenient because it doubles her distance to work and complicates things with the kids. Iíve told her I want her to move out to help me with healing. Itís uncomfortable when she comes back from doing whatever

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do you want to work things out pr go separate ways? If you want to work it out, get some sessions with a therapist. First alone then ask her to come for couples counseling. If either of you can't get past all the cheating and neglect you both engaged in, then see an attorney to discuss visitation/custody and child support.

    You can't ask someone to leave their own residence. You'll need a lawyer for that as well. So start by contacting a therapist and an attorney. You'll need them both in the future.
    Originally Posted by Empof401
    Iíve told her I want her to move out to help me with healing. Itís uncomfortable when she comes back from doing whatever

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