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10 years 2 kids left me for another man advice please


Empof401

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I need some advice. So after a 10 year relationship and 2 kids 27m 26f. Relationship was pretty good imo vacations, laughter good times. I got laid off last year was on unemployment and in school for a year during this time it was very stressful on the both of us I admit. I also admit I neglected her in some ways I wasn’t doing things around the house or helping with the kids as much as I could. All the signs were there, her attitude changed, she started going out all the time. As soon as I finished school and got on my feet she hit me with the “I need space to find myself, blah blah” she has been unhappy with herself, her job, her life for a while and I feel she’s projecting that too. Prior to the breakup I started finding pics of her and some dude and phone calls. 2 weeks later confirmed she is sleeping with him she says it got physical after but she definitely emotionally cheated. Lies on lies on lies. I know the love was real and I wasn’t the most faithful early on in the relationship. She tells me all these bread crumbs” I’m her soulmate,In the future.” I don’t think it’s going to last with her and this guy. I understand she cheated and has shown me she’s untrustworthy but a part of me does feel it was just the toll of this last year. I think I could forgive her. At first I was begging and pleading but now realize how pathetic that is considering the situation. I’m now in limited contact. She told me she fears losing me it’s like she doesn’t want me to move on. Later admitted she just needed to see what’s out there I don’t know if it’s gigs or what. She acts overly nice now that I’ve put my foot down and wished her the best. I don’t get it. My question is would you guys take someone back in this situation. She comes between my place,her sisters, and the rebounds. I really love this woman and we have 2 beautiful children. What are the chances of fixing things. It’s been 3 months now a lot of personal progress has been made I’m pretty neutral about things

 

Update: we ended up drinking together and sleeping together. my curiousity got the best of me and I went through her phone and seen a bunch of things I shouldn’t have about her and the rebound among others. I ended up messaging rebound letting him know where I stand because I found out he was around my children. I know I shouldn’t have. She was very upset saying I ruined things between them(which I doubt) I’m the core of most of their convos.

 

Also understand that I understand I shouldn’t be waiting and focus on moving on which I am.

 

I know that since she cheated and left me for someone else I should have self respect l, dignity, value. I’m working on that I’ve realized my worth. Not ready to date yet but almost there.

 

We have been together since high school she has had a decent amount of partners but I do see that the relationship got boring I couldn’t do as much because of my work/school situation

 

She seems so obsessed with the rebound seeing him everyday so much to the point of neglecting her children. Is this normal? Is she in love? Is it the newness? Gigs?

 

But my questions are

•what are the chances of us getting back together we were together since high school and I feel like if the relationship was that bad she would have left a long time ago

 

•should I believe in second chances?

 

•She seems so obsessed with the rebound seeing him everyday so much to the point of neglecting her children. Is this normal? Is she in love? Is it the newness? Gigs? Will this fade it’s terrible to see how she swoons.

 

* can you really get over someone you have children with?

* Do these things make relationships stronger I feel deep down that it’s a test and that we will be back together(she also says the same thing but also says rebound may be something more). Or I may be delusional

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I know man. I wasn’t her first lover. Most people aren’t I believe that’s a immature perspective.
Immediate NC, except what is required for the children. There really is no other option.

 

Fear she will lose you? She has already done so.

 

If She wants to come back to the table at some point, it sounds like she is going to need alot of emotional growth...i.e. both emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. And certainly not while she is banging some dude.

 

Unless your all of a sudden in the business of dragging people up the mountain, kicking and screaming the whole way... which never works.

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You may or may not get back together.

Noone can predict the future. However, at this point you need to draw some boundaries. Imo, staying around while there is a third party is not going to win you any brownie points. In a way it facilitates her transition to the other dude. Imo, you need to go no contact limiting conversations only to kid related issues and treat this as a legitimate break up. Learn from your mistakes so as not to repeat them but do not let her step all over your boundaries because she will not respect you for it, only take you for granted. Your children and healing should be your top priority. She may or may not come around. However, as long as there is a third party she will be with one foot out the door. I would not enter into any reconciliation discussions as long as there is a third party. You need to draw some firm boundaries and uphold them at all costs or you risk being jerked around indefinitely. If she neglects your children, protecting them should be your top priority. Other than that, keep no contact and let her sort out her quarter life crises all on her own as she asked.

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Do you still live together?

 

It’s on and off she comes between her sisters and mines her sisters is inconvenient because it doubles her distance to work and complicates things with the kids. I’ve told her I want her to move out to help me with healing. It’s uncomfortable when she comes back from doing whatever

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Do you want to work things out pr go separate ways? If you want to work it out, get some sessions with a therapist. First alone then ask her to come for couples counseling. If either of you can't get past all the cheating and neglect you both engaged in, then see an attorney to discuss visitation/custody and child support.

 

You can't ask someone to leave their own residence. You'll need a lawyer for that as well. So start by contacting a therapist and an attorney. You'll need them both in the future.

I’ve told her I want her to move out to help me with healing. It’s uncomfortable when she comes back from doing whatever
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Do you want to work things out pr go separate ways?

 

I want to work things out but at this point I think space and time is the best option. She has done a lot. The trust is not here I’m not healed and. Feel vulnerable. But I would like to work things out eventually. Especially with the rebound situation there isn’t much I can do

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Ask her exactly what she wants....if she waffles over it, then cut her off, and say "come see me when you make up your mind". If she does want to work it out there will have to be rules in place, like you both are going to start couples counseling, and spend more time being honest with each other, more quality time, etc.

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Ask her exactly what she wants....if she waffles over it, then cut her off, and say "come see me when you make up your mind". If she does want to work it out there will have to be rules in place, like you both are going to start couples counseling, and spend more time being honest with each other, more quality time, etc.

 

Tried that approach as well it’s always “I don’t know what I want.” She is split between the rebound and I. I told her I will not be an option and if she wants to talk I am open.

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Is he the 'other man' or the new bf?

In my opinion new bf. She doesn’t put a title on it she’s just “going with the flow” we are broken up but he was there before hand. When I went through her messages she and him talk about how he was part of the reason she left and they were hanging out while we were still together. He is also a few months out of a long term relationship.

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In my opinion new bf. She doesn’t put a title on it she’s just “going with the flow” we are broken up but he was there before hand. When I went through her messages she and him talk about how he was part of the reason she left and they were hanging out while we were still together. He is also a few months out of a long term relationship.
You have to go NC as much as possible. Not only for your own well being. It forces the reality of the situation upon her, to what ever outcome...you do your part which is NC, the rest will fall into place
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I'd just try and stay civil when it comes to the kids and make reasonable arrangements.

 

As for her why you would want her back? She's cheating and planned it while you were together. I cant work out if you said you cheated too. Either way I think you 2 are done.

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I'd just try and stay civil when it comes to the kids and make reasonable arrangements.

 

As for her why you would want her back? She's cheating and planned it while you were together. I cant work out if you said you cheated too. Either way I think you 2 are done.

 

Because we have 2 children together and relationships face trials.

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You can't ask someone to leave their own residence. You'll need a lawyer for that as well. So start by contacting a therapist and an attorney. You'll need them both in the future.

You can ask, but it doesn't mean they have to.

It doesn't hurt to ask before getting a lawyer involved. Some people will willing leave on their own. See if that a possibility first.

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You consider this a trial?

Do you have any deal breakers and if so, what are they?

Listen I understand what you mean. But stuff happens I can’t control how I feel it’s still early maybe with time my feelings will change but right now. It was stressful our last year I know there was strain and I just feel if we try again things CAN be better I may be delusional but I believe in second chances but not thirds

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Cheating isn't a trial. Don't destroy your children's lives by flogging a dead horse. Work on being good parents. You don't need to be together to do that.

 

Either way my children’s lives are going to be effected. Couples get past these things all the time. I don’t expect her back anytime soon I’m working on being a better person and parent. I just mean in the future. I’m not begging nor chasing I’m in NC.

But again I understand where you are coming from. I haven’t stopped moving forward

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