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Thread: Mooch Friend Broke My Friend-Heart

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Also I think you were kind of acting like because you let her stay with you, she owed you things. That she should have spent most of her time only with you or paid for things for you. I mean yes she could have acted a bit more grateful, but I don't think that she just automatically owed it to you. You were doing things like keeping tabs on what time she went out and came home at night. You are her friend, not her mother, and she is an adult. Unless she was making noise and keeping you awake or brought a guy to your place, it's not exactly wrong to go out and see other people.
    That's not something you spring on a house guest after they're there.
    Absolutely agree with these two statements. You didn't need to be staring her down on where she was and with whom and checking your watch.
    That's not your right and she didn't owe you time or to even tell you where she was going or when she'd be back.
    Also, if someone is staying with you and visiting that city, they don't need to tell you everything or owe you x amount of time spent together.

    If you expected a certain amount of time and a certain amount of money, you should have told her before she came.
    But what you did was really unfair and just plain wrong.

  2. #12
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    You charge your friends to stay with you. What!?

    I do think her behavior was rude, and that she used you for a place to stay- spent so little time with you. She should have taken you out for at least one meal, and bought some groceries, other than that, she owed you nothing- I would have also brought a gift. I'm linda surprised you are still in contact, after what you wrote.

    If your financial situation was so bad, then you should not have offered up your place.

    I still cannot get over the fact that you charge friends to stay with you. Yikes! I too, live in Brooklyn.

    What type of job are you seeking?

    I think that it was tacky to ask for money.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-06-2019 at 12:16 AM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Giving her a loophole to get out of it and approaching her gently while still asking for money right before she left was inappropriate. Even discussing this same topic of asking for money from her when she didn't come home the night before still would've been inappropriate. The point is, any and ALL money matters (rent, groceries, dining out, manicure, etc.) should've been discussed without any misunderstandings whatsoever BEFORE she departed for her destination. If this proves to be too complex for both parties not to mention awkward because money is involved and since she is 'Miss Money Bags,' then she should've booked a hotel and all bills for dining out and manicures should have been separate receipts. If she's mature enough to handle this type of conversation, she sounds like a good friend. If money gets in the way of your friendship with her, you need to ask if this type of friendship is worth keeping.

    From now on, assume that this particular friend has other places to go and other friends to visit as opposed to spending the majority of time with you. It's better to know her plans in advance so you can drastically lower your expectations and make other plans of your own.

    Consider this an expensive lesson learned. Clear communication in advance is the way to go otherwise there are a lot of misunderstandings and bitter resentments.

    Oh and another thing, never ever expect apologies from others! Either it will never be forthcoming in a million years or if you're lucky, you "might" receive an apology if they have a conscience. However, always assume the majority of people on this Earth do not have a conscience and they'll no longer disappoint you. Either people are in denial or they'll gaslight you, deflect or insinuate you are the insane one. I know ever trick in the book.

    Enforce healthy boundaries with your friend and others for your own survival! Play it smart!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Giving her a loophole to get out of it and approaching her gently while still asking for money right before she left was inappropriate. Even discussing this same topic of asking for money from her when she didn't come home the night before still would've been inappropriate. The point is, any and ALL money matters (rent, groceries, dining out, manicure, etc.) should've been discussed without any misunderstandings whatsoever BEFORE she departed for her destination. If this proves to be too complex for both parties not to mention awkward because money is involved and since she is 'Miss Money Bags,' then she should've booked a hotel and all bills for dining out and manicures should have been separate receipts. If she's mature enough to handle this type of conversation, she sounds like a good friend. If money gets in the way of your friendship with her, you need to ask if this type of friendship is worth keeping.

    From now on, assume that this particular friend has other places to go and other friends to visit as opposed to spending the majority of time with you. It's better to know her plans in advance so you can drastically lower your expectations and make other plans of your own.

    Consider this an expensive lesson learned. Clear communication in advance is the way to go otherwise there are a lot of misunderstandings and bitter resentments.

    Oh and another thing, never ever expect apologies from others! Either it will never be forthcoming in a million years or if you're lucky, you "might" receive an apology if they have a conscience. However, always assume the majority of people on this Earth do not have a conscience and they'll no longer disappoint you. Either people are in denial or they'll gaslight you, deflect or insinuate you are the insane one. I know ever trick in the book.

    Enforce healthy boundaries with your friend and others for your own survival! Play it smart!
    I also see only maybe reason to apologise on her part that she used your groceries and didn't spend much time with you. Although regarding the groceries, did she ask to use them or did you offer? Or did she seriously just keep opening the fridge herself and taking them? I think context is important because there is a difference between outright rudeness and maybe not acting as polite as was expected. However I don't think an apology is needed for the fact that she didn't pay for the room, your manicure or your beer. The other thing too is that if you want to act generously towards someone, that generosity should be given without expectation.

    For example, I love shopping and buying people presents. I give my close friends a few presents for Christmas, Birthday, things like that. I give acquaintances just cards usually. Sometimes I don't get a card back from that person or if I get a gift, it's not a few things but just one small thing. Or maybe even get nothing in some cases. I love giving gifts because it's my love language and I just enjoy it. I don't actually expect anything back.

    To be honest it's not really a good look to for example bring your own wine to the beach and share with your friend and then keep holding your breath waiting at which point SHE will buy you something in return. If you have that kind of thinking I think you'll end up disappointed often. If it makes you feel bad when people don't reciprocate then I suggest you don't shout anything in the first place. E.g. if you're going to the beach, don't bring any drinks but just say: "Hey, I know a bottle shop near here, let's buy ourselves some drinks". Then in the store, pick out your drinks and go pay for your own. I don't think you can get mad though if you chose to do certain things and the person didn't act in a " for tat" manner. I think some people don't even keep a score really. Like, you might buy someone a drink and they just forget you did so they forget to buy you a drink next time.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I wonder if she had spent all her time with you, would you all of a sudden have gone and asked for money? or was it out of anger and hurt?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    I also see only maybe reason to apologise on her part that she used your groceries and didn't spend much time with you. Although regarding the groceries, did she ask to use them or did you offer? Or did she seriously just keep opening the fridge herself and taking them? I think context is important because there is a difference between outright rudeness and maybe not acting as polite as was expected. However I don't think an apology is needed for the fact that she didn't pay for the room, your manicure or your beer. The other thing too is that if you want to act generously towards someone, that generosity should be given without expectation.

    For example, I love shopping and buying people presents. I give my close friends a few presents for Christmas, Birthday, things like that. I give acquaintances just cards usually. Sometimes I don't get a card back from that person or if I get a gift, it's not a few things but just one small thing. Or maybe even get nothing in some cases. I love giving gifts because it's my love language and I just enjoy it. I don't actually expect anything back.

    To be honest it's not really a good look to for example bring your own wine to the beach and share with your friend and then keep holding your breath waiting at which point SHE will buy you something in return. If you have that kind of thinking I think you'll end up disappointed often. If it makes you feel bad when people don't reciprocate then I suggest you don't shout anything in the first place. E.g. if you're going to the beach, don't bring any drinks but just say: "Hey, I know a bottle shop near here, let's buy ourselves some drinks". Then in the store, pick out your drinks and go pay for your own. I don't think you can get mad though if you chose to do certain things and the person didn't act in a " for tat" manner. I think some people don't even keep a score really. Like, you might buy someone a drink and they just forget you did so they forget to buy you a drink next time.
    If she was conscientious enough to apologize for not contributing in her own way as opposed to freeloading and sponging off you, it would've showed class, common decency and common courtesy. However, some people take advantage of a person's warm hospitality and do absolutely nothing which is considered gauche IMHO. I think it's rude to do absolutely nothing whatsoever. She is indeed a moocher.

    I too love giving people things. I knock myself out for others. I don't expect them to reciprocate, however, I appreciate their gratitude otherwise I pull the plug. For example, my neighbor recently became a great-grandmother. I crocheted a baby blanket for her great-granddaughter. My neighbor's granddaughter never thanked me despite residing only 6 houses down the road. I gave the handmade blanket 8 months ago! Then my neighbor talked to me on my driveway the other day and said, "YOUR MOTHER made the baby blanket for my great-granddaughter." Comments like that are very insulting and never mind, I spent 2 months knitting this blanket all by myself during my work lunch hour, at home, at the doctor's waiting room, in the car and late at night before awaking at 4AM to go to work. Needless to say, I'm no longer in a generous gift giving mood for this neighbor in particular.

    I made 3 quilts for my nieces and nephew only for their father, my BIL (bro-in-law) telling me that they're ugly. I embroidered a 'Home Sweet Home' sign for his new home, had it expensively mounted in glass, wood framed, only for BIL to tell me you should wipe your feet on it as it would make a good doormat. I'm civil towards him at family gatherings while giving him the cold shoulder and I'm no longer generous with my wallet and time. I love doing things for others, I'm very generous monetarily and with my labor, however, if anyone lacks manners and throws rudeness in my face, it's over. I'm so done. I'm no longer 'Miss Nice.' Gravy train is shut OFF.

    I've treated extended family members to meals and then they grew to habitually and automatically EXPECT me to pick up the bill every time. I finally put a stop to that and now I ask the waiter for separate checks.

    I gave gift cards and some spoiled brat kid in the family tree said, "$$$$ doesn't buy much!" Oh really? I no longer give cash gifts to a bunch of ingrates. This gravy train came to a screeching halt.

    Tact, showing respect, impeccable manners and grace matters. If not, what goes around, comes around.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    If she was conscientious enough to apologize for not contributing in her own way as opposed to freeloading and sponging off you, it would've showed class, common decency and common courtesy. However, some people take advantage of a person's warm hospitality and do absolutely nothing which is considered gauche IMHO. I think it's rude to do absolutely nothing whatsoever. She is indeed a moocher.

    I too love giving people things. I knock myself out for others. I don't expect them to reciprocate, however, I appreciate their gratitude otherwise I pull the plug. For example, my neighbor recently became a great-grandmother. I crocheted a baby blanket for her great-granddaughter. My neighbor's granddaughter never thanked me despite residing only 6 houses down the road. I gave the handmade blanket 8 months ago! Then my neighbor talked to me on my driveway the other day and said, "YOUR MOTHER made the baby blanket for my great-granddaughter." Comments like that are very insulting and never mind, I spent 2 months knitting this blanket all by myself during my work lunch hour, at home, at the doctor's waiting room, in the car and late at night before awaking at 4AM to go to work. Needless to say, I'm no longer in a generous gift giving mood for this neighbor in particular.

    I made 3 quilts for my nieces and nephew only for their father, my BIL (bro-in-law) telling me that they're ugly. I embroidered a 'Home Sweet Home' sign for his new home, had it expensively mounted in glass, wood framed, only for BIL to tell me you should wipe your feet on it as it would make a good doormat. I'm civil towards him at family gatherings while giving him the cold shoulder and I'm no longer generous with my wallet and time. I love doing things for others, I'm very generous monetarily and with my labor, however, if anyone lacks manners and throws rudeness in my face, it's over. I'm so done. I'm no longer 'Miss Nice.' Gravy train is shut OFF.

    I've treated extended family members to meals and then they grew to habitually and automatically EXPECT me to pick up the bill every time. I finally put a stop to that and now I ask the waiter for separate checks.

    I gave gift cards and some spoiled brat kid in the family tree said, "$$$$ doesn't buy much!" Oh really? I no longer give cash gifts to a bunch of ingrates. This gravy train came to a screeching halt.

    Tact, showing respect, impeccable manners and grace matters. If not, what goes around, comes around.
    Yeah I agree with all this basically. I think the bottom line is to be shown gratefullness and appreciation. Did this friend ever act like this when she stayed with you before? E.g. in your family home during school? You've never seen this behaviour in her before? I'm just wondering whether your friend feels not as close to you anymore? I mean, I'm not sure what her friendship with her ex-boyfriend is like and why she wanted to hang out with him more than you (maybe hookup?). But yeah it did seem like she wasn't dying to hang out with you or anything. But I don't know if she was also coming from the mentality that she was only there five days and that each day she needed to fit in something different? So she did spend time with you but only one day.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you can't invite someone as a guest then treat them after the fact like a bnb customer. She sounds like s lousy house guest. Don't invite her to visit again. Next time be crystal clear from the beginning, not simply because someone is a rude guest. Don't treat customers as guests and don't treat guests as customers.
    Originally Posted by pinkyankovic
    I talked to my boyfriend about it that night, and he told me that he'd immediately gotten the feeling that she was a mooch, was not interested in seeing me, didn't care about my financial situation, and just wanted a free place to crash while she hung out with other people. "If I knew I had to pay I never would have stayed with you. I have plenty of people to stay with around here."

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The money issue is something that you should have taken care of.

    The lousy friend attitude... that's just terrible and I'm sorry you had to go through that. She's not a friend. Don't be afraid to let old friends go. I suspect you feel you have more on the line than just money. It's an old friendship with some meaning and you're hurt because of it. I personally think the friendship has run its course and it's time to let go. You'll be able to do that in your own time after you realize yourself outgrowing her.

    Some tips going forward: manage your bookings a bit more responsibly if you can and draw up a minimum income requirement in order for you to run the airbnb out of your apartment safely and also subsist on while you are still looking for a job. Factor in putting some aside for a rainy day. Now is a rainy day but you still have some income (be cautious and watchful of other expenditures not related to food, household and main expenses). Six months is a long time in between jobs. If you didn't feel quite a pinch before, perhaps this is a good catalyst for your fiance and you to take a good hard look at your finances. Don't be afraid. Things are a lot more accessible and easy to plan than you think with just a little foresight and some coordination. Come to some agreements with your fiance about the bottomline and agreements about cancellations (terms between the both of you and how you want to operate the airbnb going forward). Cancellations, in my opinion, should only be done in emergencies or when there are issues with the booking or potential stay/contract (ie. issues with the property not being liveable etc).

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    We did not plan on charging her any money to stay, as she was coming to visit me as my personal guest.
    It makes no sense to reverse your position on this after a guest has accepted your invitation with this understanding. Either you can afford a guest, or not. If not, don't invite.

    While I agree that it is customary for a guest to treat a host family to a nice meal, at very least, and offer a hostess gift, your friend has grown into a clod who doesn't recognize manners. I would have allowed that to speak for her, not me. Rather than ditch my own graciousness to raise a power struggle over a hundred bucks, I'd have sent her off with my kindest wishes and a private vow to never deal with her again.

    I can appreciate your pain of dis-illusion-ment at having held a fantasy about this friend for 5 years only to learn that she's a rude opportunist. I'd consider that enough to feel lousy about rather than toss my own pride in generosity down the toilet by presenting a bill. That only permits her to villainize you instead of reflecting on you with appreciation someday if she ever grows into someone capable of that.

    No real harm done, though. It's not as though you'd treasure this friend after her behavior anyway, so focus instead on minimizing the experience rather than amplifying it in your own head. There's no point in self torture. Pity parties are no fun, and you can't afford one right now. I'd laugh this off, instead, and make a toast with husband to good riddance.

    Head high.

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