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IN GENERAL: Is it childish and pathetic to reject friendship with ex?


rchubn

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I've posted about my mentally abusive ex on here before. I've been thinking about the situation in general:

 

Although we had a horrible relationship, we had a strong friendship. He recently attempted to make contact and I left him on read and I plan on leaving it that way.

 

HOWEVER,

 

I keep feeling pathetic. it feels like I'm saying "well since you don't want to be with me, you don't get me in your life" and it makes me feel manipulative and pushy.

 

However, although I'm over him I find the entire relationship unsettling and somewhat triggering and I'm not interested in being friends and although I dont want him romantically, I'm also not interested in sitting around watching him live his life and I don't feel like he deserves my friendship or access to my life?

 

I don't want to kiss my own ass but I have a lot of love in my heart and I'm a good friend. When I care about people, I cheer them on and I'm there.

 

When he broke up with me/during our relationship he was cruel and I can only describe it as someone trying to beat the kindness out of me. He was miserable with his own life and did things to spite me/prove to himself he was undeserving of love by mentally tormenting me for giving it to him.

 

It took me months to find that kindness again, I didnt want anything to do with another human being ever.

 

Now he's back and I feel like he's trying to make amends and get a part of me he tried to destroy and I want nothing to do with it.

 

Is this petty?

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This has nothing to do with you being manipulative and everything to do with protecting your heart. You have every right to do that.

 

This was not a typical relationship, it was abusive. You don't owe him anything and don't make yourself feel bad for thinking you do.

Your number one priority is to heal and move on and if you need to stay away from him in order to do that, then don't make any excuses.

 

Being as he sounds like they type of person how could possible manipulate in order to get back into your life and your good graces to see if he can reel you back...it makes sense for you to not trust it.

 

You've been down that road, you got very hurt, you've healed, there is no need to backtrack now in order to try to please someone.

You are taking care of yourself....that's a good thing.

Don't feel bad about it and don't go back to what hurt you in the first place.

 

It's done, move forward without being pulled back in.

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You're not over him over or you would not be posting.

 

If he was emotionally abusive, you should not be his friend, as we have advised you in your other thread. You will show yourself some respect when you cut this off! Enough!

 

I still do not understand why you have not blocked him? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Have you sought therapy.

 

BLOCK HIM!

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I feel guilty for leaving someone without anyone there but I dont know where to draw the line.

 

How do I kill that part of me that wants to fix people at my own expense?

Look into to codependency and get some help for it.

 

What was wrong with our advice in the last thread?

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You're not over him over or you would not be posting.

 

If he was emotionally abusive, you should not be his friend, as we have advised you in your other thread. You will show yourself some respect when you cut this off! Enough!

 

I still do not understand why you have not blocked him? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Have you sought therapy.

 

BLOCK HIM!

I'm over him but I crave that "realizion" I want him to realize what he's lost and I want him to feel that loss and I want to feel powerful after he made me feel small.

 

I feel like I let him watch me break and I want to show that I'm still standing if that makes sense.

 

I was humiliated. He made me feel small. He watched me in pain and didn't offer a hand. He criticized my intelligence. My weight. He shared personal information about my mental health with his friends. I was thrown out of cars. I was yelled at. I was gaslighted. I was isolated from friends and family. And after all of that I left the situation defeated and felt like I didn't matter.

 

I just want his last encounter with me to be me standing tall and untouched. I crave that before moving on and I crave it for personal reasons...

 

If that makes sense

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Look into to codependency and get some help for it.

 

What was wrong with our advice in the last thread?

I appreciate the advice in the last thread. I probably worded this weird but I just wanted a general poll and I was curious if anyone else struggled with this and how they shot it down. I plan on seeing a therapist but I won't always have a therapist around and I have sudden bursts of guilt sometimes and I want to know if that's normal or not
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You're not over him over or you would not be posting.

 

If he was emotionally abusive, you should not be his friend, as we have advised you in your other thread. You will show yourself some respect when you cut this off! Enough!

 

I still do not understand why you have not blocked him? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Have you sought therapy.

 

BLOCK HIM!

I appreciate the response and I apologize if I'm coming off as annoying.

 

If I'm being honest I'm scared for my safety. I'm dealing with someone that hasn't physically abused me so I can't report him but this is someone who has used me to get himself out of his own situations and sees me as some kind of resolution for his issues. Hence why he keeps contacting me, the contact always leads to him being angry and leaving me alone for a month, then he decides hes not angry anymore and contacts me but I'm scared if I pull that plug completely I'll start being approached in a different manner and this will start being angry contact.

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I appreciate the response and I apologize if I'm coming off as annoying.

 

If I'm being honest I'm scared for my safety. I'm dealing with someone that hasn't physically abused me so I can't report him but this is someone who has used me to get himself out of his own situations and sees me as some kind of resolution for his issues. Hence why he keeps contacting me, the contact always leads to him being angry and leaving me alone for a month, then he decides hes not angry anymore and contacts me but I'm scared if I pull that plug completely I'll start being approached in a different manner and this will start being angry contact.

- He doesn't contact me enough to file a report but its unwanted contact.

 

- I can respond but risk being sucked back in.

 

- I can play it off and slowly stop responding but again it risks me falling back in.

 

- If I cut him off completely, give him no way to contact me I'm scared he'll try to see me in real life and that makes me even more uncomfortable

 

- I've already changed my number.

 

 

I'm in a box where his demeanor is kind of unknown, if I leave him on read like I've already did it feels like neutral waters but if I block completely I might get the unwanted angry response and I'll have no way of seeing it coming. If I leave way if communication clear he can get angry over social media and I'll at least be able to prepare myself for that anger.

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"m over him but I crave that "realizion" I want him to realize what he's lost and I want him to feel that loss and I want to feel powerful after he made me feel small.

 

I feel like I let him watch me break and I want to show that I'm still standing if that makes sense. "

You are not over him or you would not care. Indifference shows you are over him, not accepting his texts.

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I appreciate the response and I apologize if I'm coming off as annoying.

 

If I'm being honest I'm scared for my safety. I'm dealing with someone that hasn't physically abused me so I can't report him but this is someone who has used me to get himself out of his own situations and sees me as some kind of resolution for his issues. Hence why he keeps contacting me, the contact always leads to him being angry and leaving me alone for a month, then he decides hes not angry anymore and contacts me but I'm scared if I pull that plug completely I'll start being approached in a different manner and this will start being angry contact.

 

Have you reported this?

 

This is all the more reason not to respond to him.

 

On the flip side, you are saying you wan to prove to him that you are doing well. This does not make any sense?

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- He doesn't contact me enough to file a report but its unwanted contact.

 

- I can respond but risk being sucked back in.

 

- I can play it off and slowly stop responding but again it risks me falling back in.

 

- If I cut him off completely, give him no way to contact me I'm scared he'll try to see me in real life and that makes me even more uncomfortable

 

- I've already changed my number.

 

 

I'm in a box where his demeanor is kind of unknown, if I leave him on read like I've already did it feels like neutral waters but if I block completely I might get the unwanted angry response and I'll have no way of seeing it coming. If I leave way if communication clear he can get angry over social media and I'll at least be able to prepare myself for that anger.

 

Any contact that is unwanted is harassment. Stop making excuses. Did you file any reports on him?

 

Then you say you feel bad for not helping him? None of this makes sense. You are giving us three different excuses to stay in touch.

 

You have not blocked him completely.

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To answer your general question: No, it's not petty. We accept friendships that serve us, and reject those that don't. Maybe it's with someone we meet at a bus stop, maybe it's with someone we dated. The point is they serve us—us, not our egos.

 

More specifically: please take a deep breath and acknowledge that you are not over this man, that your ego is still on fire about the whole thing. And that that is okay. Hugs. It is human, and being honest about our humanity is where we find strength, not in posturing, not in saying one thing with out mouths while our feet move in the opposite direction.

 

Your sense of worth and value remains deeply connected to him. When we are over someone is when that changes. My ex-gf could be at a bar right now telling everyone that I am the world's worst man, or she could be whimsically telling a friend I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Or she should be having sex with someone who is not me. I don't care. Getting to that point took time. It meant ignoring a lot of texts, eventually blocking, and it meant acknowledging when I wasn't there, so I could process feelings instead of trying to label them falsely.

 

I don't want to minimize what you're going through, because I know it sucks. But from what you've written it sounds like you have engaged with him a fair amount. You have not blocked him every which way, and you have not ignored him when he reaches out. So you are still participating in this dynamic. The fact that you're asking a "general" question about a deeply personal concern—well, it means that you are still battling an urge to break things off, fully, or to stay connected.

 

And that, again, is okay. But I think you'd be better off acknowledging all that, and working from there, then creating slightly more complicated stories that empower him and disempower you.

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You seem to really, really want us to tell you it's ok to remain his "friend". And not just that it's ok, but that it is the RIGHT and KIND thing to do.

 

Do you usually seek approval from others? Do you crave or NEED approval?

 

I mean, you can be his friend if you want. I think it's a terrible and self destructive idea, but who cares what I think, honestly?

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Shouldn't you be honest with yourself.

 

First you said you want to help him, then you want to show him how well you are doing, and finally you are scared he will come after you. These are all very different, Which is it?

 

If I were scared of someone, I would certainly rule out 1 and 2.

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Anything else aside, really it's just your own choice whether you want to be friends with an ex or not. Most people are not friends with their ex's from what I've observed. They could have all sorts of reasons for it - too painful, drifted apart, too awkward, new partners, bad blood, could be anything. Or it could really just be that the relationship only worked on a romantic level, e.g. with sex and romance, but not platonic. Some people also have plenty of friends and only see an ex as a romance that didn't work out, not a real friendship. You don't need any excuse or apology not to be friends with your ex. You can do whatever YOU want. And especially if he was abusive, that should be your number one reason not to be friends. He doesn't deserve you, even as a friend.

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No, this is not petty.

 

I too was on the receiving end of your similar mistreatment by others who were very close to me in my family tree with some relatives, extended family and in-laws so my story is different. However, bitter, resentful sentiment is remains the same. Nowadays, these same nasty people are suddenly trying very hard to get back into my good graces to no avail. I'm not buying it yet I maintain my civil, very, very peaceful, polite behavior while I am forever frosty and deliberately distant. It's all I'm willing to give and even that's a stretch. They can either take it or leave it. Thus far, they're taking it because it's all I'm willing to offer which I think is quite generous given I never slashed them to estrangement.

 

What you're feeling is universal. Trust is dead and once trust is dead, something inside you simply got up and left. Like you, I knew I was done. It's perfectly normal to feel permanently wary and jaded. It's as if someone robbed you of your innocence and former naivete. That's what happened to me and I vow to protect my heart forever. People act this way because they prevent from getting hurt again and don't take any chances. I don't test the waters anymore nor am I vulnerable to risk. That door is shut. I no longer invest in feelings and kindness with certain people who've sorely wronged me. Those days are over.

 

In order not to get hurt, you'll have to learn not to care. Concentrate on yourself and your well being whether it's your mental or physical health or both since they're both connected.

 

He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He's NOT your responsibility.

 

If you're afraid to cut him off, then become diplomatic with him. Be polite, well mannered, respectful yet keep it brief. If you want to end it with him, say / write this: "It's time to go our separate ways. I want the no contact rule. I wish you all the best. Please respect my wishes and if not, you will be blocked. Thank you." I think there is a way to be gentle yet firm.

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So R, after you abandoned the last post I responded to I've kinda been avoiding, what I think, are signs of either someone going through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, or someone looking for attention, I cant tell but since were on the subject of manipulation and pettiness, I'll reply to this post the same way i responded to the one you abandoned with a very similar topic...

 

Originally Posted by rchubn

I always tell myself "If not him, then that means it'll be someone else" you should enjoy meeting people and chatting. I was raised to "date to marry" so I definitely had my issues with this same thought process.

 

When I tell myself "if not him, then someone else" I'm basically telling myself that I'll find someone eventually even if this fails. It helps me remove myself, stick to my standards and expectations and desensitize myself a bit/separate myself from the huge cloud of lust/wonder/joy that happens when you meet someone new.

 

As for not dating quality guys I think that's a self esteem issue. You will find someone. You have nothing to worry about. If not him, someone else.

 

Instead of attaching yourself to them, see where they fit in YOUR life. If they make sense in your world. That's how you weed out the bad ones. Whenever I forget to do this I get douchebags that aren't housetrained

 

Listen your own advice. Like literally it can’t fit you anymore if you tried. Be the persona your portray...

 

it’s in you somewhere let that girl out.

 

Stop this helpless victim thing, it does nothing but push you down further. Take ownership for your actions, this is a toxic relationship and like a drug addict you kept going back for more, now your withdrawals are about to take you out.

 

You are better than this! Follow your words. They came from the person screaming to be let out

 

Also, what happened to all that narcissist munbo jumbo? Remember you were 'advising' someone and just spouting all these 'expert analysis' of who her ex was because he was so similar to your abusive narcissist ex?

 

Im not trying to be mean, I swear, Im rather wondering why youre everywhere right now, one minute your this confident take no crap girl, the next youre abused, the next youre an expert on narcissism, then you mention your mother and those issues, you are everywhere...its gotten hard to just pretend I dont notice...

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If don't have any unsolved disputes with that person, why not. It's all about the baggage: if it's heavy, don't try to lift it. If you separated without any hidden grudges, I don't see any reason why you still can't be friends.

 

OP?

 

He was abusive toward her and continues to treat her poorly.

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Unfortunately, it seems you feel it's mean to block or discontinue contact with him. Are you hoping to get back together or stay friends?

Although we had a horrible relationship, we had a strong friendship.it feels like I'm saying "well since you don't want to be with me, you don't get me in your life"

Now he's back and I feel like he's trying to make amends and get a part of me he tried to destroy and I want nothing to do with it.

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