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Thread: IN GENERAL: Is it childish and pathetic to reject friendship with ex?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    So R, after you abandoned the last post I responded to I've kinda been avoiding, what I think, are signs of either someone going through a lot of mental and emotional turmoil, or someone looking for attention, I cant tell but since were on the subject of manipulation and pettiness, I'll reply to this post the same way i responded to the one you abandoned with a very similar topic...

    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I always tell myself "If not him, then that means it'll be someone else" you should enjoy meeting people and chatting. I was raised to "date to marry" so I definitely had my issues with this same thought process.

    When I tell myself "if not him, then someone else" I'm basically telling myself that I'll find someone eventually even if this fails. It helps me remove myself, stick to my standards and expectations and desensitize myself a bit/separate myself from the huge cloud of lust/wonder/joy that happens when you meet someone new.

    As for not dating quality guys I think that's a self esteem issue. You will find someone. You have nothing to worry about. If not him, someone else.

    Instead of attaching yourself to them, see where they fit in YOUR life. If they make sense in your world. That's how you weed out the bad ones. Whenever I forget to do this I get douchebags that aren't housetrained
    Listen your own advice. Like literally it canít fit you anymore if you tried. Be the persona your portray...

    itís in you somewhere let that girl out.

    Stop this helpless victim thing, it does nothing but push you down further. Take ownership for your actions, this is a toxic relationship and like a drug addict you kept going back for more, now your withdrawals are about to take you out.

    You are better than this! Follow your words. They came from the person screaming to be let out
    Also, what happened to all that narcissist munbo jumbo? Remember you were 'advising' someone and just spouting all these 'expert analysis' of who her ex was because he was so similar to your abusive narcissist ex?

    Im not trying to be mean, I swear, Im rather wondering why youre everywhere right now, one minute your this confident take no crap girl, the next youre abused, the next youre an expert on narcissism, then you mention your mother and those issues, you are everywhere...its gotten hard to just pretend I dont notice...

  2. #22
    If don't have any unsolved disputes with that person, why not. It's all about the baggage: if it's heavy, don't try to lift it. If you separated without any hidden grudges, I don't see any reason why you still can't be friends.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by funnybunnyvj
    If don't have any unsolved disputes with that person, why not. It's all about the baggage: if it's heavy, don't try to lift it. If you separated without any hidden grudges, I don't see any reason why you still can't be friends.
    OP?

    He was abusive toward her and continues to treat her poorly.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, it seems you feel it's mean to block or discontinue contact with him. Are you hoping to get back together or stay friends?
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    Although we had a horrible relationship, we had a strong friendship.it feels like I'm saying "well since you don't want to be with me, you don't get me in your life"
    Now he's back and I feel like he's trying to make amends and get a part of me he tried to destroy and I want nothing to do with it.

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  6. #25
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You have a right to choose your friends.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I'm over him but I crave that "realizion" I want him to realize what he's lost and I want him to feel that loss and I want to feel powerful after he made me feel small.

    I feel like I let him watch me break and I want to show that I'm still standing if that makes sense.

    I was humiliated. He made me feel small. He watched me in pain and didn't offer a hand. He criticized my intelligence. My weight. He shared personal information about my mental health with his friends. I was thrown out of cars. I was yelled at. I was gaslighted. I was isolated from friends and family. And after all of that I left the situation defeated and felt like I didn't matter.

    I just want his last encounter with me to be me standing tall and untouched. I crave that before moving on and I crave it for personal reasons...

    If that makes sense
    The biggest payback ever in a situation like this. . is to no longer care about any of the above mentioned ^^

    All that you just wrote ties your self worth to him. As if `if he could see me now!' you'd feel better about yourself.

    But it's an inside job. Getting back at him will leave you feeling just as empty.

    Besides, he's abusive. Who is he to define you and why on worth would you want that?

    The best response . . is silence.
    The best payback is to no longer care whatsoever - what he thinks.

    Work on detaching from him. Period.

  8. #27
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    If you were over him you wouldn't care what he did or thought. He would hold no more thought in your mind that an ant you stepped on.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I keep feeling pathetic. it feels like I'm saying "well since you don't want to be with me, you don't get me in your life" and it makes me feel manipulative and pushy.
    There's nothing 'wrong' or pathetic or petty about this, at all. You're outgrowing the conditioning we all grew up with when we were in forced socialization with the people we dated in high school and college. We had to share classes, the campus, social circles with our exes, so the ground rules were that we dated knowing going in that if we broke up, we would need to function socially with the person afterward--or otherwise we would be isolating ourselves.

    As adults, those days are over, and so it occurs to healthy people that nothing productive can come from hanging onto contact with exes. It positions us badly. It either sets us up to stagnate in limbo with them, or it sets us up for more heartbreak from another 'breakup' when one or there other wants to begin a new relationship.

    No healthy person will involve themselves with anyone who's still tied to an ex beyond coparenting shared children. It makes no sense. So what's the point in playing friendlies with an ex, really?

    So the problem you're facing isn't one of making the healthy choice to move forward, it's what you're doing to your own head with your choice to beat yourself up about it. I'd quit THAT in a hurry, and I'd decide instead to be on my own side.

    If we don't support ourselves in making decisions, who will? The time for seeking approval from an ex can be officially over if you're willing to stand on your own two feet.

    Head high.

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