Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 28

Thread: IN GENERAL: Is it childish and pathetic to reject friendship with ex?

  1. #11
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2018
    Posts
    147
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I appreciate the response and I apologize if I'm coming off as annoying.

    If I'm being honest I'm scared for my safety. I'm dealing with someone that hasn't physically abused me so I can't report him but this is someone who has used me to get himself out of his own situations and sees me as some kind of resolution for his issues. Hence why he keeps contacting me, the contact always leads to him being angry and leaving me alone for a month, then he decides hes not angry anymore and contacts me but I'm scared if I pull that plug completely I'll start being approached in a different manner and this will start being angry contact.
    - He doesn't contact me enough to file a report but its unwanted contact.

    - I can respond but risk being sucked back in.

    - I can play it off and slowly stop responding but again it risks me falling back in.

    - If I cut him off completely, give him no way to contact me I'm scared he'll try to see me in real life and that makes me even more uncomfortable

    - I've already changed my number.


    I'm in a box where his demeanor is kind of unknown, if I leave him on read like I've already did it feels like neutral waters but if I block completely I might get the unwanted angry response and I'll have no way of seeing it coming. If I leave way if communication clear he can get angry over social media and I'll at least be able to prepare myself for that anger.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,765
    "m over him but I crave that "realizion" I want him to realize what he's lost and I want him to feel that loss and I want to feel powerful after he made me feel small.

    I feel like I let him watch me break and I want to show that I'm still standing if that makes sense. "

    You are not over him or you would not care. Indifference shows you are over him, not accepting his texts.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,765
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I appreciate the response and I apologize if I'm coming off as annoying.

    If I'm being honest I'm scared for my safety. I'm dealing with someone that hasn't physically abused me so I can't report him but this is someone who has used me to get himself out of his own situations and sees me as some kind of resolution for his issues. Hence why he keeps contacting me, the contact always leads to him being angry and leaving me alone for a month, then he decides hes not angry anymore and contacts me but I'm scared if I pull that plug completely I'll start being approached in a different manner and this will start being angry contact.
    Have you reported this?

    This is all the more reason not to respond to him.

    On the flip side, you are saying you wan to prove to him that you are doing well. This does not make any sense?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    5,747
    Gender
    Female
    He sounds like a complete as*hole to me so why would you want to waste time on even thinking about him? Block this guy from contacting you. Get on with your life. You are not obligated to do anything for or about him.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,765
    Originally Posted by rchubn
    - He doesn't contact me enough to file a report but its unwanted contact.

    - I can respond but risk being sucked back in.

    - I can play it off and slowly stop responding but again it risks me falling back in.

    - If I cut him off completely, give him no way to contact me I'm scared he'll try to see me in real life and that makes me even more uncomfortable

    - I've already changed my number.


    I'm in a box where his demeanor is kind of unknown, if I leave him on read like I've already did it feels like neutral waters but if I block completely I might get the unwanted angry response and I'll have no way of seeing it coming. If I leave way if communication clear he can get angry over social media and I'll at least be able to prepare myself for that anger.
    Any contact that is unwanted is harassment. Stop making excuses. Did you file any reports on him?

    Then you say you feel bad for not helping him? None of this makes sense. You are giving us three different excuses to stay in touch.

    You have not blocked him completely.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    2,620
    Gender
    Male
    To answer your general question: No, it's not petty. We accept friendships that serve us, and reject those that don't. Maybe it's with someone we meet at a bus stop, maybe it's with someone we dated. The point is they serve usóus, not our egos.

    More specifically: please take a deep breath and acknowledge that you are not over this man, that your ego is still on fire about the whole thing. And that that is okay. Hugs. It is human, and being honest about our humanity is where we find strength, not in posturing, not in saying one thing with out mouths while our feet move in the opposite direction.

    Your sense of worth and value remains deeply connected to him. When we are over someone is when that changes. My ex-gf could be at a bar right now telling everyone that I am the world's worst man, or she could be whimsically telling a friend I was the best thing that ever happened to her. Or she should be having sex with someone who is not me. I don't care. Getting to that point took time. It meant ignoring a lot of texts, eventually blocking, and it meant acknowledging when I wasn't there, so I could process feelings instead of trying to label them falsely.

    I don't want to minimize what you're going through, because I know it sucks. But from what you've written it sounds like you have engaged with him a fair amount. You have not blocked him every which way, and you have not ignored him when he reaches out. So you are still participating in this dynamic. The fact that you're asking a "general" question about a deeply personal concernówell, it means that you are still battling an urge to break things off, fully, or to stay connected.

    And that, again, is okay. But I think you'd be better off acknowledging all that, and working from there, then creating slightly more complicated stories that empower him and disempower you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,529
    You seem to really, really want us to tell you it's ok to remain his "friend". And not just that it's ok, but that it is the RIGHT and KIND thing to do.

    Do you usually seek approval from others? Do you crave or NEED approval?

    I mean, you can be his friend if you want. I think it's a terrible and self destructive idea, but who cares what I think, honestly?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,765
    Shouldn't you be honest with yourself.

    First you said you want to help him, then you want to show him how well you are doing, and finally you are scared he will come after you. These are all very different, Which is it?

    If I were scared of someone, I would certainly rule out 1 and 2.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    1,532
    Gender
    Female
    Anything else aside, really it's just your own choice whether you want to be friends with an ex or not. Most people are not friends with their ex's from what I've observed. They could have all sorts of reasons for it - too painful, drifted apart, too awkward, new partners, bad blood, could be anything. Or it could really just be that the relationship only worked on a romantic level, e.g. with sex and romance, but not platonic. Some people also have plenty of friends and only see an ex as a romance that didn't work out, not a real friendship. You don't need any excuse or apology not to be friends with your ex. You can do whatever YOU want. And especially if he was abusive, that should be your number one reason not to be friends. He doesn't deserve you, even as a friend.

  11. #20
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    862
    No, this is not petty.

    I too was on the receiving end of your similar mistreatment by others who were very close to me in my family tree with some relatives, extended family and in-laws so my story is different. However, bitter, resentful sentiment is remains the same. Nowadays, these same nasty people are suddenly trying very hard to get back into my good graces to no avail. I'm not buying it yet I maintain my civil, very, very peaceful, polite behavior while I am forever frosty and deliberately distant. It's all I'm willing to give and even that's a stretch. They can either take it or leave it. Thus far, they're taking it because it's all I'm willing to offer which I think is quite generous given I never slashed them to estrangement.

    What you're feeling is universal. Trust is dead and once trust is dead, something inside you simply got up and left. Like you, I knew I was done. It's perfectly normal to feel permanently wary and jaded. It's as if someone robbed you of your innocence and former naivete. That's what happened to me and I vow to protect my heart forever. People act this way because they prevent from getting hurt again and don't take any chances. I don't test the waters anymore nor am I vulnerable to risk. That door is shut. I no longer invest in feelings and kindness with certain people who've sorely wronged me. Those days are over.

    In order not to get hurt, you'll have to learn not to care. Concentrate on yourself and your well being whether it's your mental or physical health or both since they're both connected.

    He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He's NOT your responsibility.

    If you're afraid to cut him off, then become diplomatic with him. Be polite, well mannered, respectful yet keep it brief. If you want to end it with him, say / write this: "It's time to go our separate ways. I want the no contact rule. I wish you all the best. Please respect my wishes and if not, you will be blocked. Thank you." I think there is a way to be gentle yet firm.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •