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Thread: Recent diagnosis of BPD makes me feel love is a lost cause

  1. #1
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    Recent diagnosis of BPD makes me feel love is a lost cause

    Trigger warning: discussion of depression, anxiety, suicide, personality disorder, self harm.

    So 2018 saw me sort of plodding through life trying to work out what on earth was wrong with me. I won't go into too much detail but I've had referal after referal and in December went to the GP to beg for help because I was feeling suicidal & she told me I shouldn't have wasted her time booking an emergency appointment and to go home. This pretty much sums up my entire experience of the NHS (as far as mental health is concerned).

    I took a real firm grasp of my own mental health after that appointment. I saw so much improvement it felt like my own little miracle. I don't really even know how I did it, I just chose to see positivity where I was struggling, and if I couldn't find any (e.g. in my never-ending job search), I chose to look elsewhere (e.g. I remembered what I was grateful for instead - my friends, my education, my family etc etc). Last summer through winter was, at that point, the most difficult time of my life. I genuinely saw nothing for myself except, hopefully, death.

    I was dating a guy in February & I can honestly say it was one of those relationships you couldn't possibly understand if you hadn't had anything akin to it. I told him early on that I was still working on these things for myself, and provided him with a completely judgement-free out if he wanted it. He didn't & explained he'd struggled before and would be on my side through it. I won't go into much detail about the relationship because that isn't important here. Just know that this relationship was probably my most important experience to date. Not only did I feel truly myself for once (I don't like to show the side of me with the mental illness to people unless I feel it will be comforting/helpful for them to know I can empathise) but I found I was actually liking the person I was becoming - not just with him, but all around: at my new job, with my friends, with my family. Not all of this was down to the relationship, of course, but he really grounded me. I was clean from self harm for the first time since I was 10. Liking yourself is very difficult when you've been bullied age 5 - 16 & then been in relationships where the person openly told you "I'm only here for your body".

    I was asked to come off my meds soon after that & the first week was so, so difficult. I explained to him I was gonna have a bit of a weird week & was candid about why. He bolted under the guise of his own mental health suffering. I'm not usually a person to demean mental health and say "that person isn't suffering". But he really wasn't. It became clear when I asked him to meet me (he dumped me with no warning, over the phone and refused to meet me, telling me I was "pissing him off" and he "no longer wanted anything to do with me", after calling me an hour earlier saying he "loved me" and "had missed me that week").

    I'm going to ask that no one passes comment about the relationship itself. I'm providing this information for background & I really don't need anyone else telling me I was too intense or brought it on myself as I already feel stupid enough.

    The rundown is that since the breakup I can't grapple with the devlopment and get back to me. The first two weeks, when we were still sort of in contact, I kept my cool. There was little anger, no tears. I really believed that his mental health was bad and so I was footing, trying not to hurt him or make it worse, when I should have been punching pillows and listening to sad music.

    Now however, even when I'm happy (e.g. I have a lovely team in work who make me laugh) there's an underlying feeling of shame, hurt and that feeling deep in your chest you get when you're trying to stop yourself crying.

    I have had such a hard time with relationships because I feel I must have "that" conversation early on - no one wants to waste time if it's going to be too much for someone to take on, and I'd rather be candid. This was the first time I'd felt I believed someone would stay, felt comfortable in my own skin around them, and felt safe/comfortable being intimate after an incident a few years ago.

    Four weeks ago I was diagnosed wth BPD and whilst it's helped me in the sense that when I'm doing something irrational (e.g. getting annoyed when my parents ask me a reasonable question I don't know how to answer) there's now a flood gate and I can go - HOLD ON!!!! Is this you or is this your BPD reacting?

    But my anxiety is through the roof. I feel completely hopeless in love and other aspects of life. I feel I'm going to go to uni and fail, again (I had to drop out because of my mental health 3 years ago). I don't mind my job but feel it consumes my whole life but I can't lift my motivation enough to utilise my free time. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

    And worst of all I still miss my ex so deeply I feel like if I can't find hope somewhere that someday - I'm not asking for now, i know that's unrealistic whilst I still feel this way - I will be well enough and loved enough to find something permanent, I genuinely might die.

    My heart hurts all the time and I'm petrified that when I explain to someone "I have this, it makes me ____" they're just gonna hop on google and read all about how I'm going to make their life hell and abandon them and then they're not gonna want me. Which obviously I respect as a choice, but it makes me feel life is just not worth it. I'm never going to be anything extraordinary or do anything particularly worthwhile. And although I know my whole life isn't riding on love & I'm okay being a person by myself & eventually (I hope) feeling motivation to paint or play again or whatever... I just feel completely unloveable.

    I still think about him and dream about him every single day. And he doesn't care about me at all, as he's demonstrated in behaviours I've not gone into. I just need some hope otherwise I'm just going to fade away.

    Sorry this was so long.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am sorry and your post was difficult to read. Not to minimize your struggles, I think those who are left behind feel the same way you do, to some degree. -That we aren't love able and that was our last chance. After some time maybe you can give some thought to that.

    I'd hate to think you gave up because you didn't think you were worthy given your extra challenges.
    I think it's likely it's just the grief talking right now. That makes you pretty normal given the circumstances.

    You did mention that it wasn't until you were with him that you felt whole - or like your true self and that you truly liked yourself. Why is it that wasn't until you met him? Do you think that gives him and the relationship entirely too much credit. As if you can't feel all those things on your own?
    Is it possible he felt the weight of all that and maybe going forward that can be something you give some thought to?

    Maybe it's the key part you need to work on to have a successful relationship next time, because there will be a next time.
    In the meantime work on getting to a good place, all on your own.

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    I understand what you mean about the grief. Perhaps I have put too much emphasis on the ended relationship and not enough on my present feelings in this post.

    I don't think he felt that, simply because of the way he spoke with me. I was being told by his family that they hadn't seen him happier either. Whilst I understand that's a lot of "pressure" riding on a relationship, so to say, we were both aware that we weren't all the other had type thing. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.

    I just don't know how to pull myself back out of this pit with this new diagnosis. I feel completely hopeless, to the point where it's so, so difficult to get out of bed and go to work.

    I don't know, I think I was maybe hoping someone would be able to tell me there's still hope. I just can't see anyone wanting to be with this mess ever again lol

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    Also thank you so much for your kind response. It's uplifting in itself to know people are still kind.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confused259

    I just don't know how to pull myself back out of this pit with this new diagnosis. I feel completely hopeless, to the point where it's so, so difficult to get out of bed and go to work.

    I don't know, I think I was maybe hoping someone would be able to tell me there's still hope. I just can't see anyone wanting to be with this mess ever again lol
    Just keep telling yourself that what you are going through is entirely normal.
    Expect to feel a little broken for a while. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to this.
    It will get better in time and you don't need to make it harder on yourself than need be.
    This is the time to be kind to yourself. No more negative self talk!

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confused259
    Also thank you so much for your kind response. It's uplifting in itself to know people are still kind.
    you're very welcome.
    What's that saying `if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best'
    You need someone who can handle challenges, not run from them
    Consider it a good thing you found out when you did.
    He's not such a nice guy after all.

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    This is what I'm trying really hard to think & my mum helps by reminding me when it comes up.

    I think I just feel very silly because I've been mourning the loss of the relationship twice as long as the relationship lasted. It's got to the point where my friends are saying "omg are you not over him yet???". I'm glad I found out when I did, but still sort of wish he'd been a bit nasty towards the end or something so it didn't feel as if he changed his mind in the space of one day. Because even if it was longer than that, he said nothing until that day and gave 0 signals.

    Thank you for your kind words & advice xxx

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    is this the same guy who broke up with you in April?

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    Right at the end of March it was. We were together January through March

  11. #10
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Perhaps you're struggling to get to the stage of indifference to him because you are feeling abandonment which is one of the symptoms of BPD? Are you seeing an therapist in an ongoing capacity, *Confused259*? I think discussing this with your psychiatrist/therapist will help you to process things and get you to that state of "really loving the new you" once again.

    Don't let him and the short time you had with him stymie your growth. Take back your personal power from him and keep going forward being the best you that you can be.

    Feel better soon!

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