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Recent diagnosis of BPD makes me feel love is a lost cause


confused259

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Trigger warning: discussion of depression, anxiety, suicide, personality disorder, self harm.

 

So 2018 saw me sort of plodding through life trying to work out what on earth was wrong with me. I won't go into too much detail but I've had referal after referal and in December went to the GP to beg for help because I was feeling suicidal & she told me I shouldn't have wasted her time booking an emergency appointment and to go home. This pretty much sums up my entire experience of the NHS (as far as mental health is concerned).

 

I took a real firm grasp of my own mental health after that appointment. I saw so much improvement it felt like my own little miracle. I don't really even know how I did it, I just chose to see positivity where I was struggling, and if I couldn't find any (e.g. in my never-ending job search), I chose to look elsewhere (e.g. I remembered what I was grateful for instead - my friends, my education, my family etc etc). Last summer through winter was, at that point, the most difficult time of my life. I genuinely saw nothing for myself except, hopefully, death.

 

I was dating a guy in February & I can honestly say it was one of those relationships you couldn't possibly understand if you hadn't had anything akin to it. I told him early on that I was still working on these things for myself, and provided him with a completely judgement-free out if he wanted it. He didn't & explained he'd struggled before and would be on my side through it. I won't go into much detail about the relationship because that isn't important here. Just know that this relationship was probably my most important experience to date. Not only did I feel truly myself for once (I don't like to show the side of me with the mental illness to people unless I feel it will be comforting/helpful for them to know I can empathise) but I found I was actually liking the person I was becoming - not just with him, but all around: at my new job, with my friends, with my family. Not all of this was down to the relationship, of course, but he really grounded me. I was clean from self harm for the first time since I was 10. Liking yourself is very difficult when you've been bullied age 5 - 16 & then been in relationships where the person openly told you "I'm only here for your body".

 

I was asked to come off my meds soon after that & the first week was so, so difficult. I explained to him I was gonna have a bit of a weird week & was candid about why. He bolted under the guise of his own mental health suffering. I'm not usually a person to demean mental health and say "that person isn't suffering". But he really wasn't. It became clear when I asked him to meet me (he dumped me with no warning, over the phone and refused to meet me, telling me I was "pissing him off" and he "no longer wanted anything to do with me", after calling me an hour earlier saying he "loved me" and "had missed me that week").

 

I'm going to ask that no one passes comment about the relationship itself. I'm providing this information for background & I really don't need anyone else telling me I was too intense or brought it on myself as I already feel stupid enough.

 

The rundown is that since the breakup I can't grapple with the devlopment and get back to me. The first two weeks, when we were still sort of in contact, I kept my cool. There was little anger, no tears. I really believed that his mental health was bad and so I was footing, trying not to hurt him or make it worse, when I should have been punching pillows and listening to sad music.

 

Now however, even when I'm happy (e.g. I have a lovely team in work who make me laugh) there's an underlying feeling of shame, hurt and that feeling deep in your chest you get when you're trying to stop yourself crying.

 

I have had such a hard time with relationships because I feel I must have "that" conversation early on - no one wants to waste time if it's going to be too much for someone to take on, and I'd rather be candid. This was the first time I'd felt I believed someone would stay, felt comfortable in my own skin around them, and felt safe/comfortable being intimate after an incident a few years ago.

 

Four weeks ago I was diagnosed wth BPD and whilst it's helped me in the sense that when I'm doing something irrational (e.g. getting annoyed when my parents ask me a reasonable question I don't know how to answer) there's now a flood gate and I can go - HOLD ON!!!! Is this you or is this your BPD reacting?

 

But my anxiety is through the roof. I feel completely hopeless in love and other aspects of life. I feel I'm going to go to uni and fail, again (I had to drop out because of my mental health 3 years ago). I don't mind my job but feel it consumes my whole life but I can't lift my motivation enough to utilise my free time. I feel like everything I do is wrong.

 

And worst of all I still miss my ex so deeply I feel like if I can't find hope somewhere that someday - I'm not asking for now, i know that's unrealistic whilst I still feel this way - I will be well enough and loved enough to find something permanent, I genuinely might die.

 

My heart hurts all the time and I'm petrified that when I explain to someone "I have this, it makes me ____" they're just gonna hop on google and read all about how I'm going to make their life hell and abandon them and then they're not gonna want me. Which obviously I respect as a choice, but it makes me feel life is just not worth it. I'm never going to be anything extraordinary or do anything particularly worthwhile. And although I know my whole life isn't riding on love & I'm okay being a person by myself & eventually (I hope) feeling motivation to paint or play again or whatever... I just feel completely unloveable.

 

I still think about him and dream about him every single day. And he doesn't care about me at all, as he's demonstrated in behaviours I've not gone into. I just need some hope otherwise I'm just going to fade away.

 

Sorry this was so long.

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I am sorry and your post was difficult to read. Not to minimize your struggles, I think those who are left behind feel the same way you do, to some degree. -That we aren't love able and that was our last chance. After some time maybe you can give some thought to that.

 

I'd hate to think you gave up because you didn't think you were worthy given your extra challenges.

I think it's likely it's just the grief talking right now. That makes you pretty normal given the circumstances.

 

You did mention that it wasn't until you were with him that you felt whole - or like your true self and that you truly liked yourself. Why is it that wasn't until you met him? Do you think that gives him and the relationship entirely too much credit. As if you can't feel all those things on your own?

Is it possible he felt the weight of all that and maybe going forward that can be something you give some thought to?

 

Maybe it's the key part you need to work on to have a successful relationship next time, because there will be a next time.

In the meantime work on getting to a good place, all on your own.

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I understand what you mean about the grief. Perhaps I have put too much emphasis on the ended relationship and not enough on my present feelings in this post.

 

I don't think he felt that, simply because of the way he spoke with me. I was being told by his family that they hadn't seen him happier either. Whilst I understand that's a lot of "pressure" riding on a relationship, so to say, we were both aware that we weren't all the other had type thing. I'm not sure if I'm making much sense.

 

I just don't know how to pull myself back out of this pit with this new diagnosis. I feel completely hopeless, to the point where it's so, so difficult to get out of bed and go to work.

 

I don't know, I think I was maybe hoping someone would be able to tell me there's still hope. I just can't see anyone wanting to be with this mess ever again lol

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I just don't know how to pull myself back out of this pit with this new diagnosis. I feel completely hopeless, to the point where it's so, so difficult to get out of bed and go to work.

 

I don't know, I think I was maybe hoping someone would be able to tell me there's still hope. I just can't see anyone wanting to be with this mess ever again lol

Just keep telling yourself that what you are going through is entirely normal.

Expect to feel a little broken for a while. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts to this.

It will get better in time and you don't need to make it harder on yourself than need be.

This is the time to be kind to yourself. No more negative self talk!

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Also thank you so much for your kind response. It's uplifting in itself to know people are still kind.

 

you're very welcome.

What's that saying `if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve my best'

You need someone who can handle challenges, not run from them

Consider it a good thing you found out when you did.

He's not such a nice guy after all.

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This is what I'm trying really hard to think & my mum helps by reminding me when it comes up.

 

I think I just feel very silly because I've been mourning the loss of the relationship twice as long as the relationship lasted. It's got to the point where my friends are saying "omg are you not over him yet???". I'm glad I found out when I did, but still sort of wish he'd been a bit nasty towards the end or something so it didn't feel as if he changed his mind in the space of one day. Because even if it was longer than that, he said nothing until that day and gave 0 signals.

 

Thank you for your kind words & advice xxx

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Perhaps you're struggling to get to the stage of indifference to him because you are feeling abandonment which is one of the symptoms of BPD? Are you seeing an therapist in an ongoing capacity, *Confused259*? I think discussing this with your psychiatrist/therapist will help you to process things and get you to that state of "really loving the new you" once again.

 

Don't let him and the short time you had with him stymie your growth. Take back your personal power from him and keep going forward being the best you that you can be.

 

Feel better soon!

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After having the psychiatric assessment that gave me my diagnosis, I've been advised a new medication & also to go for DBT. I went to see my GP about this and she said she needed "more information" from the psychiatrist because she didn't know what it was! I'm hoping to hear back from said psychiatrist this week so I can get the referal, and then hopefully I'll be able to start the therapy.

 

I think you're definitely right about the abandonment thing. I'd never identified that was what I was feeling before. But I also think it's tied to HIM in particular, so some of it is the BPD & some of it is that I genuinely felt I had a connection with him. I've never really been with someone who said nice things about me or whatever (y'know past the usual beginning of the relationship "you're funny" "you look gorgeous" type stuff before they stop). So I think it's partly the BPD and partly that I felt I was in a relationship with someone who lifted me up & whom I could lift up too.

 

I'm going to try and secure a referal this week so I can start before I go back to uni.

 

Thank you also for your kind words. It really helps knowing there are people somewhere in the world who have genuine concern for others.

 

xx

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Hey there, confused.

 

I remember your past posts well—your big heart, your ability to wrestle with your turbulent spirit with grace and intelligence. Just want to say that those are very real things, real qualities, and rare ones. They don't get diagnosed by professionals, but don't let a diagnosis snuff them out, overshadow them.

 

I don't want to minimize the diagnostic stuff, as I am a zillion percent for mental health awareness and treatment, but I can't help but feel that, in your grief, and in the inevitable search for answers that grief triggers, you're leaning into this diagnosis as an answer, a new definition of yourself rather than a part of your self.

 

Along the lines of what reinvent has offered, I do think what you are experiencing right now is universal, the sharp edge of the business of being a person in the world, and personally I've always found a kind of comfort in knowing that whatever I'm feeling is more likely connected to a larger whole than some misfiring in my own mainframe. People get under our skin in strange, wonderful, debilitating ways, and it can take a moment to pluck out the thorns. Sometimes giving ourselves some time to do that, rather than asking what is "wrong" with us for not doing it by date x, goes a long way toward receiving the pressure.

 

I'm 39, and for the most part my experiences with romance have been pretty healthy: the brief relationships are like small bruises that quickly heal, the longer ones like deep cuts that take more time. But just last year I found myself in something that burned very bright, very briefly, and left a lot of shrapnel when it burnt out. It cut deep, in other words, and rocked me something fierce. Two very good months, one rocky month, and then I pressed eject. But processing it took a lot more time that I'd have expected, as it stirred some deep waters in me. It was frustrating, triggering all sorts of self-defeating thoughts—I'm feeling like this, from that?—but I found that in just accepting that a brief connection left a deep mark gave me room to process it as needed, to feel what I needed to feel.

 

I've got a lot of therapy under my belt, and a therapist I can, and do, call when needed. I do recommend finding someone you can talk to regularly—where it's not only about diagnosing but just listening, teasing out the long fuse so you can get to some of the roots. Slows the spins, or at least makes the spins seem less mysterious, more human, and by extension a little less devouring.

 

Again, for emphasis: you are a young woman with a big heart and a sharp mind. No diagnosis changes that, no relationship makes that true, and no breakup makes it false. Do give yourself a second, here and there, to remind yourself of that.

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Hi bluecastle

 

This will sound very hollow, despite how deeply I mean it, but I want to start by sincerely thanking you for your kind remarks at the beginning of your post there. It's not often I hear sentiments such as that expressed with me in mind, but it really has warmed my heart to read your response. This is something I will be referring back to for a while to come, I feel.

 

And then thank you for your kind hearted advice. I think you are perhaps correct that I am leaning into my diagnosis too much - I want to blame something and I think I feel that "if I had known" before we had split I would have somehow been able to hang onto the relationship, even though the logical part of my brain knows that would have had even more disastrous consequences, most likely.

 

It's also very comforting to read that someone else has had the whirl-wind style romance I'm struggling to overcome. I've mostly felt stupid for letting myself fall so hard and fast, but knowing that others do the same & overcome it is the most comforting thought imaginable. Did you do anything in particular to process this?

 

Again, thank you so, so much. I will be seeking DBT as soon as possible and hopefully will be able to get the financial assistance to attend regular (for want of a better word) therapy when I go to uni in September.

 

I will remember your kind words, thank you.

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hey boltnrun

 

No, I was asked to come off my medication by a lady on my mental health team. I went to her for my first appointment the week we broke up, which he was aware of, and she advised that she thought I was on the wrong medication (which turned out to be true!) and asked I ween myself off it. Unfortunately, the side effects I was experiencing meant that the side effects I had coming off the meds also caused a lot of fogginess and anxiety until things settled.

 

I really am unsure what happened. All I know is that one day I finally had a supportive partner, completely juxtaposed to any experience of relationships I had previously had, and then I didn't. I almost wish he had done what you have described because at least I could then hate him for being mean, but there's no anger in me. He was kind & generous & caring up until that last hour and that phone call. I think that's the hardest part to process.

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It's also very comforting to read that someone else has had the whirl-wind style romance I'm struggling to overcome. I've mostly felt stupid for letting myself fall so hard and fast, but knowing that others do the same & overcome it is the most comforting thought imaginable. Did you do anything in particular to process this?

 

Glad a few of my words resonated.

 

Answering your question: Well, I've got a lot of years on you, which helps. Wasn't my first rodeo. Things that were once overwhelming and mysterious to me just aren't anymore. I spent a lot of my 20s, for instance, feeling like complete fraud and failure, no matter how hard I worked, how much I accomplished. Today I'm two months from turning 40, do the same thing for a living, and feel like a fraud and failure a lot. But I'm used to it, the bills get paid, I own some homes, so what are you going to do? Heartache is kind of the same.

 

The knives are just as sharp, in other words, but the skin is a bit thicker.

 

Less abstractly: I know what it is to feel loved, to feel calm in love, to feel like I'm connecting with someone in a way that serves me. I know that partly because I've experienced it, and partly because I can imagine it—what I want, how I want things to feel, what I need on a that deep core level. And the thing I was in? Well, it wasn't that. Was a flash of it, but then it turned into something else. If it had worked I wouldn't have been obsessing about why it didn't work, so I let that obsession be an extension of the very hard, very sad fact that it didn't work.

 

Most things don't work, and I think it's healthy to get cozy with that fact of existence. Cars stop working, heaters stop working, relationships stop working, and, some day, both you and I will stop working. These are facts. I like facts. I'm a whimsical, abstract thinker, but I like to stay rooted in facts. So I just leaned into those, whenever the brain got lost in the thickets, and the fact of the matter was that we did not work together. If we worked, we'd be working. We weren't. And whatever hill I end up dying on? Well, it's not going to be eight good weeks with someone that turned sour.

 

Again, I don't want to minimize diagnostic stuff, but I do think there is a certain danger to leaning too hard on those pillars, be it coming from a doctor or our own instincts to assume that something didn't work because something is "wrong" with us. That mode of thinking can magnify everything and keep you spinning in a loop. In those spins the lessons are harder to hold onto, and step forward into. My brief whirlwind thing? It hurt my heart, and I needed time for healing. It also helped me see myself a little clearer, which is great. I let that be the story—the beginning and the end—so I could be prepared for more stories.

 

Deep breaths, small steps, always forward. I always remind myself of two things: that I am both stronger, and more fragile, than I will ever know. Another fact, and one that allows me to let go of self-blame in favor of self-acceptance. Maybe something like that can help for you.

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