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Thread: Recent diagnosis of BPD makes me feel love is a lost cause

  1. #11
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    After having the psychiatric assessment that gave me my diagnosis, I've been advised a new medication & also to go for DBT. I went to see my GP about this and she said she needed "more information" from the psychiatrist because she didn't know what it was! I'm hoping to hear back from said psychiatrist this week so I can get the referal, and then hopefully I'll be able to start the therapy.

    I think you're definitely right about the abandonment thing. I'd never identified that was what I was feeling before. But I also think it's tied to HIM in particular, so some of it is the BPD & some of it is that I genuinely felt I had a connection with him. I've never really been with someone who said nice things about me or whatever (y'know past the usual beginning of the relationship "you're funny" "you look gorgeous" type stuff before they stop). So I think it's partly the BPD and partly that I felt I was in a relationship with someone who lifted me up & whom I could lift up too.

    I'm going to try and secure a referal this week so I can start before I go back to uni.

    Thank you also for your kind words. It really helps knowing there are people somewhere in the world who have genuine concern for others.

    xx

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Hey there, confused.

    I remember your past posts well—your big heart, your ability to wrestle with your turbulent spirit with grace and intelligence. Just want to say that those are very real things, real qualities, and rare ones. They don't get diagnosed by professionals, but don't let a diagnosis snuff them out, overshadow them.

    I don't want to minimize the diagnostic stuff, as I am a zillion percent for mental health awareness and treatment, but I can't help but feel that, in your grief, and in the inevitable search for answers that grief triggers, you're leaning into this diagnosis as an answer, a new definition of yourself rather than a part of your self.

    Along the lines of what reinvent has offered, I do think what you are experiencing right now is universal, the sharp edge of the business of being a person in the world, and personally I've always found a kind of comfort in knowing that whatever I'm feeling is more likely connected to a larger whole than some misfiring in my own mainframe. People get under our skin in strange, wonderful, debilitating ways, and it can take a moment to pluck out the thorns. Sometimes giving ourselves some time to do that, rather than asking what is "wrong" with us for not doing it by date x, goes a long way toward receiving the pressure.

    I'm 39, and for the most part my experiences with romance have been pretty healthy: the brief relationships are like small bruises that quickly heal, the longer ones like deep cuts that take more time. But just last year I found myself in something that burned very bright, very briefly, and left a lot of shrapnel when it burnt out. It cut deep, in other words, and rocked me something fierce. Two very good months, one rocky month, and then I pressed eject. But processing it took a lot more time that I'd have expected, as it stirred some deep waters in me. It was frustrating, triggering all sorts of self-defeating thoughts—I'm feeling like this, from that?—but I found that in just accepting that a brief connection left a deep mark gave me room to process it as needed, to feel what I needed to feel.

    I've got a lot of therapy under my belt, and a therapist I can, and do, call when needed. I do recommend finding someone you can talk to regularly—where it's not only about diagnosing but just listening, teasing out the long fuse so you can get to some of the roots. Slows the spins, or at least makes the spins seem less mysterious, more human, and by extension a little less devouring.

    Again, for emphasis: you are a young woman with a big heart and a sharp mind. No diagnosis changes that, no relationship makes that true, and no breakup makes it false. Do give yourself a second, here and there, to remind yourself of that.

  3. #13
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    Who "asked" you to come off your medication? Your ex?

    If he did and then dumped you after you did what he asked...well that's just mean.

  4. #14
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    Hi bluecastle

    This will sound very hollow, despite how deeply I mean it, but I want to start by sincerely thanking you for your kind remarks at the beginning of your post there. It's not often I hear sentiments such as that expressed with me in mind, but it really has warmed my heart to read your response. This is something I will be referring back to for a while to come, I feel.

    And then thank you for your kind hearted advice. I think you are perhaps correct that I am leaning into my diagnosis too much - I want to blame something and I think I feel that "if I had known" before we had split I would have somehow been able to hang onto the relationship, even though the logical part of my brain knows that would have had even more disastrous consequences, most likely.

    It's also very comforting to read that someone else has had the whirl-wind style romance I'm struggling to overcome. I've mostly felt stupid for letting myself fall so hard and fast, but knowing that others do the same & overcome it is the most comforting thought imaginable. Did you do anything in particular to process this?

    Again, thank you so, so much. I will be seeking DBT as soon as possible and hopefully will be able to get the financial assistance to attend regular (for want of a better word) therapy when I go to uni in September.

    I will remember your kind words, thank you.

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  6. #15
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    hey boltnrun

    No, I was asked to come off my medication by a lady on my mental health team. I went to her for my first appointment the week we broke up, which he was aware of, and she advised that she thought I was on the wrong medication (which turned out to be true!) and asked I ween myself off it. Unfortunately, the side effects I was experiencing meant that the side effects I had coming off the meds also caused a lot of fogginess and anxiety until things settled.

    I really am unsure what happened. All I know is that one day I finally had a supportive partner, completely juxtaposed to any experience of relationships I had previously had, and then I didn't. I almost wish he had done what you have described because at least I could then hate him for being mean, but there's no anger in me. He was kind & generous & caring up until that last hour and that phone call. I think that's the hardest part to process.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by confused259
    It's also very comforting to read that someone else has had the whirl-wind style romance I'm struggling to overcome. I've mostly felt stupid for letting myself fall so hard and fast, but knowing that others do the same & overcome it is the most comforting thought imaginable. Did you do anything in particular to process this?
    Glad a few of my words resonated.

    Answering your question: Well, I've got a lot of years on you, which helps. Wasn't my first rodeo. Things that were once overwhelming and mysterious to me just aren't anymore. I spent a lot of my 20s, for instance, feeling like complete fraud and failure, no matter how hard I worked, how much I accomplished. Today I'm two months from turning 40, do the same thing for a living, and feel like a fraud and failure a lot. But I'm used to it, the bills get paid, I own some homes, so what are you going to do? Heartache is kind of the same.

    The knives are just as sharp, in other words, but the skin is a bit thicker.

    Less abstractly: I know what it is to feel loved, to feel calm in love, to feel like I'm connecting with someone in a way that serves me. I know that partly because I've experienced it, and partly because I can imagine it—what I want, how I want things to feel, what I need on a that deep core level. And the thing I was in? Well, it wasn't that. Was a flash of it, but then it turned into something else. If it had worked I wouldn't have been obsessing about why it didn't work, so I let that obsession be an extension of the very hard, very sad fact that it didn't work.

    Most things don't work, and I think it's healthy to get cozy with that fact of existence. Cars stop working, heaters stop working, relationships stop working, and, some day, both you and I will stop working. These are facts. I like facts. I'm a whimsical, abstract thinker, but I like to stay rooted in facts. So I just leaned into those, whenever the brain got lost in the thickets, and the fact of the matter was that we did not work together. If we worked, we'd be working. We weren't. And whatever hill I end up dying on? Well, it's not going to be eight good weeks with someone that turned sour.

    Again, I don't want to minimize diagnostic stuff, but I do think there is a certain danger to leaning too hard on those pillars, be it coming from a doctor or our own instincts to assume that something didn't work because something is "wrong" with us. That mode of thinking can magnify everything and keep you spinning in a loop. In those spins the lessons are harder to hold onto, and step forward into. My brief whirlwind thing? It hurt my heart, and I needed time for healing. It also helped me see myself a little clearer, which is great. I let that be the story—the beginning and the end—so I could be prepared for more stories.

    Deep breaths, small steps, always forward. I always remind myself of two things: that I am both stronger, and more fragile, than I will ever know. Another fact, and one that allows me to let go of self-blame in favor of self-acceptance. Maybe something like that can help for you.

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