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Thread: Been with girlfriend for 11 months, out of the blue she is unsure of us?

  1. #1
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    Been with girlfriend for 11 months, out of the blue she is unsure of us?

    I’ll try to be short, I’m lost and confused and hurt. I’ve been with her for 11 months, we live together, have gone halves in heaps of furniture, have a dog together and everything has been perfect up until this point. Relevant or not I don’t know but she battled depression through high school due to a bad childhood but since I’ve known her (she’s 20) she has seemed to show little to no signs of it. Up until last Thursday she always says she loves me, very affectionate, Thursday she was talking about going on a cruise for her birthday with me in November, going to the beach in 2 weeks and talking about moving to a new house with me. We went to see a band that night. Before we went she was very affectionate, laughing and was genuinely happy or at least I thought she was. She said to me there was a point that night where “life just hit me out of nowhere”. Her affection went to zero, she was short talking me etc. I knew something was up. She kept saying “I don’t know, I don’t even know what I feel right now” that night she stayed at a friends saying she needs space. She comes home the next day and come up and kisses me and says she’s so sorry, we kiss and cuddle etc. She says to me that her two friends want to move 45 minutes up the road to a bigger city and she said she wants to as well, but she said “I doubt it will ever happen, so if not we should just renew the lease here” at this point I think everything is okay, the next day she goes back to being kind of cold. We talk and she says things like I just feel nothing, like her life is a whirlwind and she doesn’t know what she wants. I say do you want to break up with me to which she replies “I don’t know”. I said to that “okay well would it make the decision easier if I broke up with you? Do you want me to?” She said “no I don’t want you to break up with me, that would just add to my self destruction” Last night we kind of talked again but with the same kind of answers. She said on Thursday night when I put my arms around her at the show she said she felt nothing, and said “I’m not supposed to feel nothing am I?” This is all so sudden, which is why I’m so thrown out by it. Could her depression / anxiety cause such severe mood swings like that? Also, our sex life has been pretty average lately, due to us both having the flu for a week, and then her getting her period the week after. She also says “I have no sex drive at all” which is true, she usually pleasures herself as well as has sex with me all the time, but the last 2 or so weeks she hasn’t. Is this really her talking? So many times she’s lied with me and said things like “I’m so happy, I’m so glad I met you” etc. What should I do? At this stage she tells me she is still trying to work out what she wants while we still live together and talk normally about our days and still sleep in the same bed and cuddle etc. any advice would be great. I love her so much

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    She says to me that her two friends want to move 45 minutes up the road to a bigger city and she said she wants to as well

    She's very young to be playing house and assuming you two moved in together when she was 19?
    She just got a reality check by being with her friends and doesn't want this type of domestic life right now.
    She still has some living to do before she settles down.
    I don't doubt she loves you. She just doesn't love her lifestyle at this point in her young life.

    In any attempt to save this, you might encourage her to have a full life outside of this relationship and the house. (with some boundaries that are respectful to the relationship, of course)

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I was going to say the same thing reinvent did above.

    Curious: Are you guys the same age?

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    No we aren’t, I’m 24

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    Some more back story if it helps, we were originally friends with benefits, but she wanted more I didn’t. We kept hanging out and I started liking her more and more so I said “look, if you’re serious about this and think it could work, let’s give it a go.” She was the one who initiated moving out together, getting a dog, makes all these future plans etc.

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    While four years isn't a big gap on paper, our 20s are a time of so much change—logistical and emotional—that it can be significant. It's something of cruel irony that time feels so much more consequential in your 20s—when you are just starting out, and there is so, so much time ahead of you—than later in life, when there is, literally, less time.

    Anyhow, I'm just riffing here, but it sounds like she suddenly feels "suffocated" without quite knowing why. Very common. I wouldn't pin that on big things like depression and anxiety, so much as a very common reaction to being 20. You're hungry for answers, for certainty. You stress over the casual hooking up (as she did) but then you stress when it all gets real fast (ditto). You go into home-making mode—moving in, getting a dog, etc.—but then your friends talk about moving 45 minutes away and that sounds great. Part of getting older is accepting that these thoughts and feelings never quite let up, but they don't have the same power to throw you off your axis.

    I'm curious: How long was the friends with benefits period? And how long after "giving it a go" did you guys move in, and so on? During this time—especially in the early, less-defined days—did you get a sense that she was feeling insecure, uncertain about how you felt?

    It's all hard, I know. The only thing you can really do right now is try to stand more still as she wobbles a bit. You're young too, after all. What do you want, in the big picture? How does moving to the bigger city sound to you? Do you feel like you guys moved in a little too quickly? Could you see staying together but living separately? There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but they're worth asking, to see if there is a slightly different shape your relationship can take that better accommodates both of you.

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    Thank you so much for your advise. The friends with benefits lasted about 2 months, and yes very early days I feel like she felt she wasn’t good enough. But it wasn’t like that, I’ve had a crap run with relationships and I promised my self I wouldn’t dive in blind again. Hence why I didn’t want to commit. But then I got to know her, we hung out without sleeping together. I started liking her but still I was wary, then I bit the bullet and went for it. I think we rushed it a little bit yeah, but even before we moved in together she was staying at mine literally weeks at a time. I honestly seen her as my big picture. I was wary but after the things she would say to me like we were planning a month long Europe trip for early next year, looking at moving to a new house, we both literally paid $350 each not even two weeks ago for a new washing machine. Like little things like that just scream “long term” to me. So my guard dropped completely and I have given her all of me. I never anticipated this. But yes, she is young. Every time I mentioned this to her early on she got her back up and replied with “I know I’m young but I know what I want”

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    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Past the youth stuff, the hardest thing is the simplest thing here: these things happen. Talk to married couples who end up getting divorced, and they will tell you about the washing machine they just purchased, the vacation planned, the room repainted.

    One thing I can't help but pick up on in your last post—and I may very well be wrong, of course—is that you entered into this out of a sense of duty, obligation. I don't mean that she pressured you, or that you don't have strong feelings, but that part of what guided you was some bigger ideas you were wrestling with even before meeting her—about commitment, about relationships, about wanting to get it right. And since she was there, and pretty eager, you opted to see if those ideas could be realized with her.

    Guess what I'm saying is that the thing that really screams "long term," more than Europe trips and household appliances, is both a gut feeling in you and a gut feeling that what you feel is shared by another. I can't tell if you've ever quite had that here, but instead kind of looked to realize it by taking "big" steps, adjusting to her speed instead of carving out a speed together. Those steps pushed back the doubts—the wariness you refer to a lot—but what about the big feelings? I do wonder if she has ever come to trust that they're there. I do wonder if you have asked those questions too.

    Ideally, committing to someone should not feel like "biting the bullet." It feels natural, organic, an extension of shared feelings and an internal sense that you can be your full self with and alongside someone. Just something to think about. Often, when we take the "bite the bullet" approach the other person can sense that, and it makes them uneasy. I've been the bullet-biter in relationships; they have not worked. The ones that have—well, they feel more like, together, you are the bullet, flying through the air and shooting stuff down together.

    Lots of philosophizing, I know. Hang in there, don't push. Listen to what she says, ask questions instead of offering prescriptions. Remind yourself—right now, whenever you need to—that you are going to be okay wherever the chips fall. Deep breaths, small steps, and you'll be heading in the right direction.

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    Thank you so much for the advice. I mean if she can look me in the eyes and say she loves me and wants this still, I’m happy to slow the pace back down again and maybe live seperate or whatever. I guess I just need her to be truthful with me about those two things. I’m just scared she’s going to say she doesn’t want this anymore. I know I need to brace myself and cop it on the chin and move on. I just don’t want to lose her if there is a way around this for us.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you. What's hard, sometimes, is that people can't be "truthful" about that because the truth of their confusion is what is dominant. Part of being a partner is standing still when someone is confused, at least until you can't, if that makes sense. It's about being comfortable with the reality that someone may not feel exactly what you want them to feel exactly when you need them to feel it—and being comfortable there for as long as you can, to make space for reconnecting during a moment of disconnection.

    Less abstractly: if I met up with my girlfriend tomorrow and she told me she was having doubts, was spinning around, I know exactly what I'd do. I'd be there—feet on ground, heart on sleeve. I'd let her know I loved her, believe in us, and am here to listen. That would just be my truth, and it would be a vulnerable one, but being true it would be my anchor while she wobbled. If her confusion just deepened and expanded with time, my truth, sadly, would change.

    It sounds counterintuitive, but sometimes doing nothing—just being there, being you—is the clearest path to knowing what you need to do.

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