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Thread: How do I know heís not lying?

  1. #1

    How do I know heís not lying?

    Iíll try to keep this short. My fiancť of 6 years recently graduated and moved to a new state for his job and I am still in school. I have some trust issues because he cheated on me with a stripper in the past. I decided to forgive him and move forward. That was 3 years ago.

    I came to visit him to his new apartment and found some messages on his MacBook of him texting a girl about an ad he found online for an erotic massage. I confronted him about it and he admitted that it was a mistake but that it didnít lead to anything. Unsatisfied, I decided to do some more snooping and found multiple messages to different numbers over the course of 5 days. None of them seemed to lead to anything seeing as most didnít answer and the ones who did, he did not reply to once they gave him the rates. I was upset because when I confronted him about the first messages, he didnít tell me about the others and now Iím wondering if itís because he actually did something.

    He claims he didnít and that the proof is in the messages, that he did it out of curiosity because of an ad that showed up online but that he didnít plan on going through with it. He seems regretful, but I canít help being reminded of how he cheated on me with a stripper and when I had confronted him about that 3 years ago, he had also denied it. I donít believe him. But what if heís telling the truth? Iím scared because weíre supposed to be long-distance for a year and a half and I wasnít expecting this. I thought we were past it. I donít understand why he sent the messages if our sex life is almost nonexistent (I have a very high sex drive and he is very insecure about his body therefore we donít have sex often). So why is he seeking out these girls? Iím heartbroken, disappointed.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this Cash...

    Let's see... caught once, caught twice, not telling about the third time. I'd say don't worry about being LD for 1 1/2 years, end it now.
    You don't need the stress of worrying about it, especially LD.

    And talk to a professional about your trust issues, probably an easy thing to come to terms with considering what he did.

  3. #3
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    If you stay you are giving him the green light to continue cheating. No trust no relationship.
    You're going through his stuff and he's cheating on you and doesn't seem like he's ever been faithful...Why waste more time. Don't let this guy take anymore years of your life away.

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Do you have a wedding date set? Do you have a ring?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. People don't go to hookers, or seek out a bunch of sexual services because "they're just looking or just curious". You may need to admit that "your sex life is almost nonexistent" because of extracurricular activities not his body insecurities.

    What you came across is simply the tip of the iceberg. You need to go to a doctor for STD testing. Stop having sex. Also people do not move far away and never have sex with each other if they are planning a marriage. Perhaps it's time to end this and reevaluate why you're with someone like this.
    Originally Posted by cashflow28
    him texting a girl about an ad he found online for an erotic massage. I donít understand why he sent the messages if (I have a very high sex drive and he is very insecure about his body therefore we donít have sex often). So why is he seeking out these girls?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Do you mean graduated college? As in you're both still in your early 20s? Just trying to get some context here...

    Anyhow, I'd change the question your asking a bit. Instead of wondering how you know if he's being honest, ask yourself if you can be true to yourself inside this relationship. Do you want to be marrying someone who triggers in your the desire to snoop? Whose answers to your questions are vague and cagey and leave you more paranoid than before you asked them? Do you want to spend the next year and half barely seeing a man while your uncertainty and insecurity grows? Do you like the idea of a relationship in which "erotic massages" are an "issue" you two try to work through and come out stronger?

    Those are questions you have the power to answer honestly. He, it seems, struggles to be honestówith himself and, by extension, with you. Trying to get something secure to hang onto from someone like that is, generally, a losing battle.

    Bottom line here: your sex life is already in shambles, he has slept with a stripper and is currently emailing erotic massage experts, and you're sitting here feeling gutted while, I think, your gut is crying out to you to change things.

    Maybe listen to your gut instead of hoping he'll say something that snuffs it out?

  8. #7
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Cheating is a conscious choice, not a mistake. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but as they say, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

    With trust being the glue that holds a relationship together, I'd look at is as this ship has sailed.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    He has no romantic relationship boundaries in place so he does things that are disrespectful to you and the relationship that could very well lead him down another path to cheating on you. When you date someone who doesn't know right from wrong doing then you are taking a huge chance on shredding your own heart by staying with them.

    He's cheated on you once and now he's violating a very fundamental romantic relationship boundary that most committed and exclusive couples adhere to. Your chances of him remaining faithful to you during this long distance period are next to none. He doesn't know right from wrong.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

    This guy cheats with strippers. He doesn't get the benefit of the doubt in a situation like this.
    He doesn't get to shop around and still be trusted to not act on it.

    Besides, where this is smoke there is fire. There is usually a lot more unknown then you have access to.
    Consider this just a peek of what's really likely going on.

    I am sorry, but this guy needs to go.

  11. #10
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    When we say someone has ętrust issuesĽ - what that means is that they could be dating anyone - Mother Theresa even - and they would have difficulty trusting despite all evidence that the person they are with is 100% trustworthy. Thatís truly about themselves and not about their partner.

    I donít think you have ętrust issuesĽ at all. In fact, quite the opposite. It sounds like your ętrust mechanismĽ is working quite well. You arenít supposed to trust people who are untrustworthy. Instead, it sounds like you have good intuition - you just have a hard time believing in yourself and your intuition. You keep trying to bypass it but you know deep inside that you are right.

    Letís look even further down the line. Can you imagine being married to him, maybe having children with him, and this issue comes up again? You have no reason to believe it will change. It keeps happening.

    Trust in your intuition. You know he likes sex workers. You know he lies and hides about it.

    I think that whether his parts actually touched their parts is entirely irrelevant. He thought about it. He inquired about it. Multiple times. He intended to go for it (or he wouldnít have gone to that trouble). Whether he actually did or not doesnít matter. He hasnít changed, he wonít change, and in the meantime - not only would you be putting your heart on the line, but also your life.

    Love yourself, trust yourself and run away from this mess. There is better out there for you...

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