Go back to college or have a baby?

Sorry if this is in the wrong place, since it deals with both careers and parenting I didn't think it fit into either of those subforums.

I need some serious advice right now, and I’m hoping that you all can help. I am at a crossroads in my life and I’m not sure which way to go, it seems to me that both ways will cause the other path to close.

First, I should say that I have been trying for the past decade or so to figure out what to go back to college to study. I’ve tried on a few ideas and discarded them quickly. But now I feel like I have identified something that I feel passionate about and could build a lucrative and rewarding career with. It feels like I’ve finally found the answer I’ve been seeking. Perfect, right? No, because the timing is awful. One year ago, my husband and I started to try to have a baby. About two months later, I had my epiphany about being back to school. I’ve ended up switching back and forth every month between being off the pill and on the pill because I am so conflicted about it. Currently I am on the pill.

I feel like having a baby is something we should do ASAP if we are going to have one, because we are both 29 years old. I have a steady job with good health insurance, my husband has a steady job (although he is also planning to go back to school soon), and soon we might be able to move into a really nice place to live that is closer to work for both of us. My current job isn’t something I can see myself doing more than a few years, but there are other opportunities for growth within the company and they are constantly being recognized as one of the best employers in the city.

But if I go back to school I will have to get, at minimum, a master’s degree to do the sort of work I want to do. Currently I just have an associate’s degree in something unrelated. There isn’t a college in my city that offers the degree program that I would need to study, so we would have to move. After I graduate we will probably have to move cross-country for me to find work, because the main areas for the industry I’m interested in are not near where we live now. By the time I finish my bachelor’s and master’s degrees and find a job somewhere, I’ll probably be 36/37-ish. Too old to have a baby. (I know it technically isn’t too old, but I don’t want to take the risk of having a baby after the age of 35. Autism seems to run on both sides of the family and being an older mom can increase the odds of that and other problems.)

We have an opportunity to finally have some stability in our lives, and this is probably the best time we will have to have a baby. If I go back to school we will have to move and ruin any chance of stability for the next several years. We are both fatigued from moving around so much in the past few years and having constant upheaval in our lives. Should I put my dream on the back burner or should I go for it regardless? I worry that if we have a baby now I will never get the chance to go back to school, at least not for what I want to study, and I’ll end up feeling bitter about it. But I worry that if I go back to school I’ll regret not having a baby.

For what it’s worth, I’ve tried thinking about my life both ways to see if that would help me decide. It didn’t. My feelings on which way seems better change daily.

What on earth should I do?

TLDR; I feel like, with my age (29), I can either choose to go back to college or have a baby. I can’t see a way to do both. How do I decide?

Why couldn't you be done with your degree by 33-34? You could take a heavier credit load, and I would assume that some of the credits from you Associates would carry over. Did you speak to an adviser?

I think that you are already talking yourself out of not returning to school. I hope that you do not regret your decision some day.

Honestly, I do not know why you cannot do both. Many women do.

Finish bachelors degree - 2 years.

Masters degree - 2 more years.

Find a job - 6 months to one year.

I'm not getting 36-37, but more like 33-34. Which is well within the range and statistics for a healthy child.

This isn’t a life long dream, like you said you’ve bounced around with different ideas for years, this could potentially be the new flavor of the month.

I’m not trying to be rude I’m getting a strong vibe you bounce around a lot one day you’re on birth control the next you’re not one day you want this career who knows what next year will bring.

I don’t think you should make any decisions until you get to the bottom of your well... flightiness...

I also agree with your timeline being off which makes me suspect you maybe want people to tell you not to pursue this?

Can you expand some more?

OP have you ever posted this under a different account? This is eerily similar to one I saw 6 months to a year ago.

With decisions like this there is only so much advice and circling around in your head you can do before you start going insane.

OP our hearts are the true guides of what we want, only you know what’s right for you. When you look inside your heart what do you see and feel? It might be scary to acknowledge it but you need to start there if you want to move forward in making a decision.

Why are these the only choices?

You can decide to do neither.

I can say what I did. Like you, I had my Associate degree before having children. I then had children, and then went back to college for a Bachelor's when my children were 2 and 6--not easy, but I got it done. I then began a high paying career, versus the low paying career I had with just an associate's. I liked how it worked out for me, that I didn't have to take a break in my high paying career. (I liked to stay home during the first few years of my children's lives, and didn't have anymore children after I began that career)

Yes, there's a limit to childbearing years, but no limit in age to a higher education. My aunt went to school in her late forties to enter into a nursing career.

But like others have said, each person has to choose their own path, no matter what worked for anyone else.

Thank you for your responses. I will try to elaborate a bit more to clear things up, sorry if I left some stuff out but I was trying to keep my post from being even longer than it was. And no, maew, I haven't posted this question before. I might have to find the one you mentioned, though, maybe it will help me!

Being indecisive has been a problem my whole life, so I think you make some very good points figureitout23. Sometimes I wonder if this is truly the answer I've been seeking, or just another "flavor of the month". That is part of my problem. What I am interested in right now is studying neuroscience or neurobiology for the purpose of improving brain computer interface and VR technology. But I do still have the fear that this is just another one of my passing fancies, even though it feels so much more right for me than most previous career ideas have. I want a career that will challenge me, interest me, and allow me to feel like I am making a difference. I don’t want to just be a wage slave.

My timeline might be off, and if it is I will be relieved. I have not spoken to an academic advisor yet. I figured that most of the credits from an Associate of Arts would not transfer over to a degree in neuroscience, maybe some would but I wouldn’t expect very many to. So I figured I would have to go four years for my bachelor’s degree, and then two years afterward for my master’s degree. I will have to continue working full-time while I go to school because my husband’s job is steady but he doesn’t make very much money and I honestly don’t know if I could manage 15 or 18 credit hours while still working 40 hours a week. If we have to move for me to go to school, I’ll have to quit my job and find something that will work with my school schedule, so my income will most likely go down. So we’d have less money and less of a support network around to help us if I tried going to school while raising a baby. The soonest I’d start college would be Fall 2020 so I added six years to that to reach my estimate of being 36 when I finish.

If anything, I am using the excuse of going back to school to delay having to commit to having kids. I’ve been very on the fence about having kids for years. My husband would really like them, but he is okay with it if we don’t have them. He says the decision is up to me. My heart says to have kids. My gut and my logic say not to. I feel so afraid whenever we try to conceive, I feel like we’re doing the wrong thing. But when I say to myself that we just won’t have kids, I feel this strange sense of longing and sadness, like that is not what I really want. No matter what I try to decide, it feels wrong.

The best thing I can think of, the best compromise, would be for us to have a baby now and I wait to go back to school until my husband finishes his degree. Very similar to what you said, Andrina. I just worry that life will get in the way and I won’t go back if I put it off that long.

So I would do both. You’ll figure out the stability piece. I have a friend in her 30s. She has a teenager a 5 year old and a 2 year old. 5 year old has severe autism. She was in her 20s when she had her middle son. Younger son is great. Anyway she works full time and goes to law school part time. Her husband is a stay at home dad and she commutes an hour each way. She does this and it’s a crazy schedule but I’ve heard of many examples of parents who do this.

I did my schooling and career first - had my child when we were 42 - he’s 10 and he’s great. Meanwhile during my pregnancy my husband and I had a commuter marriage and then I moved to his city where I knew no one and had no family when our son was 6 months old. Meanwhile my husband had started a new job and then started a third grad degree.

You know what that’s called? Typical life and typical parenting. I do agree there are better times of life to have a baby than others and on the other hand overthinking leads to missed opportunities.

My 2 cents... what I would do in your shoes...

«What I am interested in right now is studying neuroscience or neurobiology for the purpose of improving brain computer interface and VR technology. «

That’s very specific. There are two sides to what you are talking about. The neuroscience side and the technology side. Also, I question if that’s the direction technology is going? Especially with the advancement of artificial intelligence where we can predict people’s behaviors based on past behaviors, etc. There are some serious privacy considerations in actually reading people’s brains and more and more sensitivity about privacy and security, etc. With such a specific field of study, what would be your backup plan if that’s NOT the way technology goes over the next 50 years? I would also imagine that there would be high demand for the few jobs in the field.

My recommendation would be to pursue the technology side of this with perhaps a focus on artificial intelligence. The advantages of this are:

- you don’t need as much schooling

- you can likely stay in whatever city you are in to raise your children

- you can get your foot in the door, gain some experience, «pause» to have kids and then further your career later on, etc

- if technology shifts (which it often does), you can more easily shift focus within another technology field

Personally, I think you can have everything that you want if you are willing to shift your focus a tad.

... that would be my advice.

My son and his wife are going thru the same thing.

My advise to him `there really isn't A perfect time to have a baby'

Your window for opportunity to conceive begins to lesson as you get older.

The opportunity to continue your education doesn't.

His wife is only 27, has her masters and now has her eyes on her PHD. They are somewhat overachievers and everything has a timeline on a spreadsheet and needs to be perfect. My advice was an attempt to get them to lighten up and not take everything so seriously.

I mentioned she could easily go for her PHD ten years from now. My son's eyes got really big. In that moment I had to remind him - she'd only be 37.

But . .these two kids already think they are really old and life has half passed them by anyway.

Unfortunately, this sounds more like a marital problem than a career problem. You say you're on the fence about kids. You say your husband doesn't earn much. You say he wants kids soon. You say he is also planning to go back to school soon. Do you resent him? Or that he expects you to have kids, work, put him through school, etc? Think about that. Is he being realistic about having kids, going back to school, etc? Who is going to support the family?

Also, I question if that’s the direction technology is going? Especially with the advancement of artificial intelligence where we can predict people’s behaviors based on past behaviors, etc. There are some serious privacy considerations in actually reading people’s brains and more and more sensitivity about privacy and security, etc. With such a specific field of study, what would be your backup plan if that’s NOT the way technology goes over the next 50 years? I would also imagine that there would be high demand for the few jobs in the field.

 

My recommendation would be to pursue the technology side of this with perhaps a focus on artificial intelligence. The advantages of this are:

- you don’t need as much schooling

- you can likely stay in whatever city you are in to raise your children

- you can get your foot in the door, gain some experience, «pause» to have kids and then further your career later on, etc

- if technology shifts (which it often does), you can more easily shift focus within another technology field

 

Personally, I think you can have everything that you want if you are willing to shift your focus a tad.

 

... that would be my advice.

Thank you, that is very sound advice and I appreciate it. I have considered studying computer science, since I could still do relevant work in BCI and VR with a computer science degree and I could get that degree without ever needing to move. Plus my employer would pay for part of the cost, if that's the route I went, as long as I kept working for them for however many years of school they paid for. It is an appealing idea, but I am more interested in the brain research side of things than the computer science side. I might still go the CS route just for the sake of having the more broadly useful degree and having an easier time obtaining it, even if it doesn't interest me as much. I could always go back to school again later if I really really want to pursue neuroscience, right?

You make an excellent point about technology not moving in the direction I think it will, and the legal obstacles to such technology. I hadn't thought about that. It makes me think that perhaps waiting to go back to school could be a good idea for me, so I can see how this plays out over the next few years. In the meantime I can look into what I can learn on my own before going back to school.

Unfortunately, this sounds more like a marital problem than a career problem. You say you're on the fence about kids. You say your husband doesn't earn much. You say he wants kids soon. You say he is also planning to go back to school soon. Do you resent him? Or that he expects you to have kids, work, put him through school, etc? Think about that. Is he being realistic about having kids, going back to school, etc? Who is going to support the family?

Wiseman, I went through my phase of feeling resentment toward my husband for this. I’m mostly over it. When we were having a different issue in our marriage I thoroughly thought about what it would be like if I left. I decided that I definitely want to stay. My husband is a good man and due to an injury on the job he was unable to continue with his original choice of career, which is why he is going back to school. He feels terrible that he can’t be a better provider right now, and does what he can to earn extra money on the side.

Fortunately the degree program he wants to do is more flexible, he could work in the morning and then go to class in the afternoon. The program was designed for people who do what he does (paraprofessional) to be able to get their degree and become teachers, the program actually requires you to keep working as a paraprofessional while you are completing your degree. I am the primary breadwinner now, I’ve been the primary breadwinner for most of our relationship. I don’t like it, but I accept it. I’d rather have him at my side than divorce him and hope to find a man who makes more money and treats me as good as my husband does.

So I would do both. You’ll figure out the stability piece. I have a friend in her 30s. She has a teenager a 5 year old and a 2 year old. 5 year old has severe autism. She was in her 20s when she had her middle son. Younger son is great. Anyway she works full time and goes to law school part time. Her husband is a stay at home dad and she commutes an hour each way. She does this and it’s a crazy schedule but I’ve heard of many examples of parents who do this.

I did my schooling and career first - had my child when we were 42 - he’s 10 and he’s great. Meanwhile during my pregnancy my husband and I had a commuter marriage and then I moved to his city where I knew no one and had no family when our son was 6 months old. Meanwhile my husband had started a new job and then started a third grad degree.

 

You know what that’s called? Typical life and typical parenting. I do agree there are better times of life to have a baby than others and on the other hand overthinking leads to missed opportunities.

Batya, thank you. I overthink things so much, it's the worst! I really appreciate the reminder that people can and do manage to have kids and go to school all the time, even under difficult circumstances.

Listen to your gut and logic.

If you can't have everything when you want it, you'll have to make adjustments and sacrifices such as choosing education / career which doesn't require the upheavals of moving and won't pass your childbearing age. Something has to give.

Or, you can do everything such as education and have a baby simultaneously. My friend did it. She had 2 small children, a newborn infant while pursuing her Ph.D and graduated with honors. She was tough as nails. Granted, it's incredibly difficult and taxing, however, if you can tough it out, you can do it.

Your compromise of having the baby now and going back to school later is possible. Millions of mothers do it. If you're determined to envision your education and career goals, you won't allow life to get in the way of your hopes and dreams.

I think there's a notion, far more potent today than a generation or two ago, where you have a child only once everything is "figured out." You figure out the job stuff, you figure out what your deep passion is and realize it, you save x amount of money and travel to y destinations, you figure out yourself, thoroughly, and then—exhale—you're ready to bring a child into the world. Almost as if you have to be retired—or on a laser-sighted path toward retirement—before becoming a parent.

It all becomes binary, pressurized, and, for many, a recipe for the same sort of paralysis that makes people scared to commit to a job for a year because they worry it will derail them from the zillion other jobs they could do instead.

What I can't help but see in you is someone who is frozen by trying to "figure it out," hyperventilating while looking for the reason to exhale, rather than accepting that figuring it out is all you're going to ever be doing—maybe with a child, maybe not, your call. If you can exhale a bit into that truth—that ambiguity is always going to be competing with certainty, that the search for answers is ongoing—I think you might find the answer surfaces more organically.

Having a child is a big decision, of course, but as others have said it hardly means you can't go to school, change careers, move, whatever. I don't have children, but if there's anything I've seen from watching my friends have them it's that what they represent is basically...having a child. A huge part of their life, but not their whole life—not an answer, not a thing that was "figured out," but just a new, wonderful, challenging addition to the search that is living. Some had kids and their lives became more focused on that in a traditional sense: one home, one job, little change. Others had kids and went to school, moved, changed careers, etc. Subtract the kids from that equation and I think it would be more or less the same—lives constructed from different characters and temperaments rather than expanded or contracted because of children.

Think of it this way. Let's say, hypothetically, that you put having a kid on hold, got the exact degree you want at this exact second, found the kind of employment that, right now, sounds like an answer. Well, along the way so many variables that are inevitably going to shift that the answer will be different. What you thought would get you jazzed in school would turn out to be kind of boring, but another thing, that you thought would be boring or didn't see coming, would get you jazzed. And the focus shifts a bit, the compass finds a slightly different Due North. Technology moves so fast, as another poster said, that by the time you're ready to enter the filed you're seeing now it has changed shape, and you'll be forced to adapt.

Point being, I think there is a lot to be said for listening to our gut and just doing the thing that screams the loudest. When we do that the compromises don't feel like compromises so much as small course corrections that get us better acquainted with the mysterious truth that is ourself, and we become more adaptable and more tuned to ourselves because we've experienced things that are real, rather than dissecting them to a halt through rumination.

Plus my employer would pay for part of the cost, if that's the route I went, as long as I kept working for them for however many years of school they paid for. It is an appealing idea, but I am more interested in the brain research side of things than the computer science side. I might still go the CS route just for the sake of having the more broadly useful degree and having an easier time obtaining it, even if it doesn't interest me as much. I could always go back to school again later if I really really want to pursue neuroscience, right?

This is a dream!

I think you should go to see an academic advisor. With CS, you have to take all the calculus classes, etc and I believe some of the biology classes are available as optional credits. Perhaps there is a way to do a double-major bachelor degree. Or at least a way to set yourself up nicely for the next steps.

IMO, this is ideal because you will have a degree that you can use while also taking some time to have a family.

Also - this is just my opinion, but I find people are more well-rounded when they have experience before they get their master’s. They are better able to apply their knowledge to real-world applications as opposed to a more academic or theoretical approach.

Anyways, that’s what I would do in your shoes...

As a 35+ woman, I think if you want a baby, have a baby. Because what if you decide at 35 "i am ready to have a baby" and you have fertility issues? It can happen. When you get out of school, you will want to start working in your field right away and you won't do that if you have a baby because you will push it off. Why not do both? Explore what part of your degree you can do at home and do those classes when the baby is very young (i know some colleges for some majors have a few courses that you can take online and do a combo of class and online. i know a teacher who was able to take electives not in her area of teaching remotely and do class work for others) or if you can go part time for part of it if you needed to go light a semester or two. Plow through your classes leading up to actually getting pregnant, go light the semester the baby is due, etc.

If you wait until 35, you may not get the siblings you want the child to have, etc, as well.

If there are any issues - you will be able to address them and won't be under the gun if they are addressed in the next year or two vs waiting.

I am not saying you can't start your family at 35, but if there are any hiccups - male infertility, miscarriages, blocked tubes, you have less time to work it all out

Being indecisive has been a problem my whole life, ... What I am interested in right now is studying neuroscience or neurobiology for the purpose of improving brain computer interface and VR technology. But I do still have the fear that this is just another one of my passing fancies,

So then before you make any life changing decisions, get your feet wet by completing all of your General Education Requirements, which apply toward ANY degree. If you fare well with that, take some of the prerequisite courses that will teach you whether or not you're cut out for the larger program of study.

Getting good grades in the prerequisites can teach you not only whether you'd be up for the challenge of the program, but whether it's how you'll want to invest your time over the next few years. If not, nothing is lost, really. You can apply those credits toward a more suitable degree.

OK a few sessions with a marriage counselor may help to get some the logistics organized. And set up a few sessions with a financial planner for third party objective advice on how to navigate all this.

For example, who will stay home with kids? Who will pay for child care? Who will work full time? Who will go back to school and for how long? Who and how will that be financed? How much student debt can you afford? Can you afford student debt and children? Can both of you go back to school and rack up debt and not work full time? Can you both do this while taking care of and paying for kids?

When you talk to a financial planner and a marriage counselor, perhaps some of the feasibility of what your husband wants will come to light. There is no point worrying about moving, Masters degrees, kids, etc if none of it is feasible.

Decide what you can do with what you have and take it from there. Make sure your husband's goal of going back to school/working part-time and having kids simultaneously works. If it works it means no school or part-time work for you. Unless you can work full time, get 2 degrees full time and be a full time parent.

I am the primary breadwinner now, I’ve been the primary breadwinner for most of our relationship. I don’t like it, but I accept it.

Having a baby is a serious commitment and there should be no hesitation about it. Are you really up for the challenge? If you are serious and committed to both the baby and school, you might try taking online credits in general ed classes and elective classes that would transfer for your degree program later.

I’m with those who say you don’t have to choose between school and baby. I’m currently in a very demanding professional school program and expecting a baby - and while I haven’t made it all work yet, on most days I’m reasonably confident that it will all be ok. I plan to stay on schedule and should graduate with my classmates, barring any very unforeseen circumstances. I do not work, but I would say my degree program is more than full time. Keep in mind that many colleges now offer flexible schedules, online classes etc, so you can tailor your course load each term to how much time you have.

Your age when you have children and what is “too old” is a very personal decision, but at 29 you’re certainly not in the now or never camp from a medical point of view. So another option is to get started on your coursework and then reevaluate the decision to have a baby in a year or two, especially if you don’t feel entirely ready. The situation may clarify itself between now and then and you may feel more certain of your choice one way or another. You’ll also be able to get a better idea whether your current career goals are made to stick or if they lose some of their charm.

One last thing I’ll say is that I think it would be possible for you to get to a bachelor’s degree faster than 4 years, given that you may have some credits that carry over and that you could take classes year-round rather than skipping summers, for example. It might be a lot to take on with work, but you can start slow and then ramp up and potentially get going a little bit faster than you are thinking now.