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Thread: 6 Years Together, 1 Month NC - Getting Harder and Harder (Need Advice)

  1. #1

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    6 Years Together, 1 Month NC - Getting Harder and Harder (Need Advice)

    She (26) broke up with me (32) out of the blue. We were in what I'd describe as a very, very happy, very secure and very fun relationship for 98% of the relationship - never really fought, arguments were benign and easily resolved. But she said she was unhappy and needed to break up with me as she was crying. I did the classic begging, pleading, crying... I pushed for more... she said she didnt feel anything for me anymore. I asked whether there was anyone else, she said no. I asked how long she felt this way... she said a couple of months. I asked her whether she saw us ever getting back together... she said never and apologized for having that shortcoming. I begged and pleaded some more - told her she was my best friend - before she said goodbye. She agreed to meet up a couple days later.

    I had planned a whole speech filled with impregnable logic to try to get her to give us another chance. In the end, I simply accepted that it was over. I told her I didnt need any more explanation other than she said she was unhappy - as that's all I truly cared about. I said I regretted some of the ways I acted towards her but I dont regret any of the time we spent together - she immediately jumped in to say that she didnt either. It was amicable. She hugged me. Said goodbye using her pet name for me - and that was the last time we spoke/saw each other.

    I've had a lot of time to reflect in the past month. Everyday, the story of our breakup becomes more full of detail. From my perspective, in the last few months before the BU, I was under a lot of stress and feeling a ton of anxiety about my and our future. Even though I had just graduated from a top flight business school, secured a high-paying job - I felt this immense pressure to play catch up to my peers. I stopped seeing her as a partner who I could build a future with materially. So I pushed her to realize my vision of a future without much effort to consult her on what she wanted. Among other things, I found myself becoming resentful of her in many ways - that she was a bit uncouth, that she wasn't stimulating me intellectually, that she maybe holding me back from my full potential. I may have even thought about breaking up with her on some nights - but I loved her too much. No doubt she sensed my detaching in some capacity - I was being less patient with her, being more snippy and just giving her the leftovers of my day, all the while asking for all of her.

    Being dumped has a way of making someone you were uncertain about or maybe didn't even want any longer become the sole object of your desire. I am struggling immensely now with blaming myself entirely for the dissolution of the relationship, and thinking I'm not giving myself enough credit for things I was unsatisfied with. I've decided to go NC to figure out what I really want. Was my dissatisfaction warranted because I had outgrown the relationship, or was my desires simply shrouded by my insecurities and anxieties? Ultimately I recognized the relationship we had - as great as it was - was always doomed to fail. It takes two to tango. But for all my missteps, she never really indicated that she was unhappy and gave me a chance to change. She's always been super independent and made big emotional decisions unilaterally. I realize that for any real relationship to last through the next stages of real commitment, both parties need to desire and have the patience to resolve feelings of dissatisfaction.

    I miss her dearly. She truly was my best friend. She is beautiful, and one of the funniest people I've ever known all at once. Being dumped sucks. NC sucks. And I feel like I've been feeling worse and worse.

    I cling onto hope of reconciliation because I feel like our story isn't over. I feel directionally, the things I was pushing her/us to become were not truly things I wanted for myself, but things I wanted to project success - I recognize this is a huge insecurity and I have been actively working on it and for the sake of my love for her, would not accept reconciliation until I have overcome it. But I also understand that I may never get the chance to explain this to her - that she's made up her mind and truly never want me back - and this kills me.

    Today, I simply put faith in the fact that the overwhelmingly positive experience of our relationship will push her to reconsider reconciliation. But I will not cling onto hope either.
    Last edited by uberhov; 08-05-2019 at 01:06 PM.

  2. #2
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    Well done. I think you are handling this very well.

    I think with time, you will realize that she was simply a chapter and not your future. This bit stuck out for me: "that she was a bit uncouth, that she wasn't stimulating me intellectually, that she maybe holding me back from my full potential. " This says a great deal.

    I wish you the best with your future!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I think you need to accept these thoughts of yours as you've yet to do that. When you accept you will start the process of moving on and reaching the goal of every dumpee... that being getting to the stage of indifference to those that were once in our lives but no longer there.

    Among other things, I found myself becoming resentful of her in many ways - that she was a bit uncouth, that she wasn't stimulating me intellectually, that she maybe holding me back from my full potential. I may have even thought about breaking up with her on some nights - but I loved her too much. No doubt she sensed my detaching in some capacity - I was being less patient with her, being more snippy and just giving her the leftovers of my day, all the while asking for all of her.
    Getting through grief to the other side is a process. You might benefit from reading The Five Stages of Grief. Its geared to those who have lost a love one to death but it also applied to those getting over a break up and the addiction to the one that was a big part of our life but no longer is.

    I hope you feel better soon and accept that deep down, you knew that she wasn't the one that you were meant to spend the rest of your life with... The above quote tells you that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for the pain, friend.

    I don't have much to offer, save to say that, from reading your post, you both sound like two awesome people whose relationship, sadly, met its expiration date. Processing that is hard, and you are both doing it gracefully. Today it will be all your fault, tomorrow hers. On Wednesday you'll be numb, on Friday back into the spins. This is how it goes, and in the scheme of things—and in the scheme of a 6 year relationship—one month is a blink of an eye. You're right where you're supposed to be right now, in other words, hard as that is to hear and feel. Ride these waves of feeling and you'll find stiller waters, and a better understanding of yourself and your needs. Have faith in that.

    A few general thoughts, observations. She was 20 when you met—so young, and there is a reason very few people end up spending forever with the person they connected with at 20. We grow up, grow into different shapes, and, in the process, we sometimes outgrow relationships. Sad but true. Sometimes being in the relationship shows us a part of ourselves that, once seen, makes the relationship unsustainable. So sad, so true. You're already looking at yours with pretty clear eyes, despite the fire at your feet, and from what you've written it sounds like you'd also outgrown it a bit—that you were craving things she didn't have to give, and had entered a stage in your life that she did not compliment. That's okay—not your fault, not hers, but a thing that happens. Don't ignore that fact begging for your attention and compassion. Wanting her something fierce now that she's gone is very human, but that desire does not produce in another what you genuinely need to be with them.

    I feel for you. When I was 32 my girlfriend (then 27) broke up with me "out of the blue"—in quotes because I know, for her, it was not a flash decision but something she'd been thinking about for some time, and tried to discuss with me the best she knew how. We were pretty great together, as she'd tell you too. (We're on good terms, so I'm not putting words in her mouth.) But she had itches she needed to scratch, ways of coming into herself that she couldn't do inside a relationship with me. That was a fact I had to accept. In accepting that I also had to accept things about myself—things I needed from her and us, and didn't get, and things I didn't give her that she needed, because it just wasn't in me yet to give them.

    Losing her stirred some of those things in me—and all I wanted was to give them to her, show her they were there. But alas: she was on a different journey, which meant I was too. What I did—much like you're doing now, by the sounds of it—is I worked hard at cultivating those things inside of me in her absence. Yeah, I initially hoped they'd help us find each other again, lead us back to each other, and kept that door open in my heart until one day it just closed. It's not a sad story. I'm as grateful for that awakening as I am our time together, and that awakening led to deeper, richer connections—with myself, with others, and in romance. Hard to imagine all that right now, I know, but it's out there—and in there, right now, in you.

    I'll always remember an email that gf sent me a week or two after the breakup. I'd gone off to another city to grieve and get a little lost in grief, and we hadn't spoken since things ended—an amicable, if jagged, parting, as these things go. Anyhow, she reached out with something I just dug out of my inbox to share with you. It said: "I just want to say a few things. I feel privileged to have known you so intimately and am proud of what we inspired in one another. Always exploring, challenging and teaching. I love how much we pushed each other to grow and how much we each did, more than we may realize. I treasure the times we had and the way we lived, together."

    My head and heart were mushroom clouds of grief at the time, so probably three percent of that email was absorbed. But over the years—years in which we didn't talk, moved on and forward—I found myself thinking about the part of how we grew more than we realized. We had! We gave each other that—lighting up parts of ourselves that we'd continue to explore and come into, even once things were over, and eventually with new people who were better fitting for our new, more authentic shapes. The story wasn't over, in other words, but the chapter was—a chapter that led to new ones.

    Anyhow, maybe a word or two here helps. Keep doing what you're doing, hard as it is.
    Last edited by bluecastle; 08-05-2019 at 01:26 PM.

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  6. #5
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    Congratulations for being able to really reflect on your part in the relationship! Not many people actually do that.

    I do not doubt for an instant that she was loved and your best friend. But have you considered the possibility that some of the pain you feel is a result of the change in your pattern? To have been in a relationship for that amount of time, I'm sure that you and she developed patterns in day-to-day living. Now that is all upset. And that can truly rock a person's world!

    You sound like you are looking at this in a healthy light. I would not count on reconciliation, but rather, I would start to expand your circle. You have learned from your relationship with her!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? Unfortunately you made it clear to her that you saw her as "holding you back" and therefore it wasn't "out of the blue". All you can do is accept that you are incompatible and put on foot in front of the other.
    Originally Posted by uberhov
    -She (26F) broke up with me (32M) out of the blue.
    -We were in what I'd describe as a very, very happy, very secure and very fun relationship.
    -But she said she was unhappy and needed to break up with me, as she was crying.
    -I asked how long she felt this way... she said a couple of months.
    -I asked her whether she saw us ever getting back together... she said never
    -I found myself becoming resentful of her in many ways - that she was a bit uncouth, that she wasn't stimulating me intellectually, that she maybe holding me back from my full potential.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle

    I don't have much to offer... Anyhow, maybe a word or two here helps. Keep doing what you're doing, hard as it is.
    You gave more than you promised and I appreciate it deeply. I teared up quite a bit reading your post. It definitely resonated with me. Thanks for the note. Truly

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? Unfortunately you made it clear to her that you saw her as "holding you back" and therefore it wasn't "out of the blue". All you can do is accept that you are incompatible and put on foot in front of the other.
    6 years uninterrupted.

  10. #9
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    Tough to be objective in the throes of it all. That's the beauty of space. Gives you a chance to explore your own depths honestly and openly. This is an opportunity if you choose to frame it that way.

    We're all a bit brainwashed by our social structures. There's no sense in either of you going back to what you had. You both deserve a chance to explore other aspects of your being. Best to move forward without attachment to a past that has played itself out. And besides, ''reconciliations'' that actually stand the test of time typically involve an element of newness (which is implicitly impossible without ample time apart). For whatever reason, the timing of your recent relationship wasn't quite right in terms going the distance. Maybe you weren't ready. Maybe she wasn't ready. You have things to learn. She has things to learn. You have an evolution to make within yourself...and so does she.

    Give yourself some time. This whole process is very cyclical. Some steps forward...some steps backwards, sideways, etc. There are gaps in the feelings though...and those are where the opportunities are. Just gotta be open when the gaps arrive.

    I can't think of a tough life situation that din't feel ''right'' when looking back on it some months/years later. These are the times we grow the most. There's some comfort in that. Maybe you've had the experience before...?

    Be patient with yourself. And gentle. Don't underestimate your own ability to adapt and grow. It's all unfamiliar right now. You've been thrown out of your little comfort bubble, and now there's not much to hold onto. Scary place. But you'll get through it.

    Courage!


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