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Thread: Not Ready For A Relationship

  1. #1

    Not Ready For A Relationship

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite some time however I do have strict parents. Due to this fact, I get to see him twice a week and it has never been a problem in our relationship. For the entire duration of our relationship it was perfect. We always compromised, made time for each other on calls, trusted each other and would do anything for each other. Like I said, it was perfect. We never had a terrible argument and if we did have any disagreement we would be able to talk everything out and be better than we were before. He was always a sweet heart to me and his family and I are awfully close. 5 days ago we went to a water park with a couple of friends for the first time. Seeing that I have strict parents, this was the first time they let me go to a place that was far away from home with a bunch of people they didnít know, given our countryís crime rate. They trusted him and he knew that. In the water park, everything was amazing. We went on slides, pools and we had a good road trip all together. However, this was also his first time going to an event like that with a girlfriend. The legal age to consume alcohol and smoke cigarettes in my country is 18 and we are both legal to do so. Personally, Iím not a fan of smoking and I do not consume alcohol but he does both of these things. Before we went to the water park, I had asked him to not smoke but he could drink alcohol. Iím less bothered by alcohol than I am with smoking. As per my request, he agreed and did not smoke even with his friends doing it there. When we came home around 7pm, we still spent time with each other. We cuddled and enjoyed each otherís company until my parents came to pick me up. The next day, he was distant. He didnít call and didnít message me like he would in the morning. I called him to see what was going on because the previous day was amazing and this behavior was very sudden. He said that going to the water park made him realize that he wasnít ready for a relationship. He said that he was sorry and he loved me so much but he just isnít ready to continue a relationship just yet. My heart broke and I cried buckets. I asked him if there was another girl and he promised me that there wasnít and he still had feeling and love for me. I asked him to promise to come back to me and he did. It has been 4 days since and I have been in contact with him for at least 10 minutes each day. Itís hard to cope with and Iím still confused as to why he isnít ready after having been in the relationship for some time. How do I deal with seeing him elsewhere, not knowing where he is or if heís okay?

  2. 08-05-2019, 12:08 PM


  3. 08-05-2019, 12:16 PM

  4. #2
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    I canít say what exactly would cause him to not be ready for a relationship all of a sudden, but I think you need to call him and set up a time to meet to be straight forward with eachother, which you canít really do over the phone. You be honest, and tell him to be honest, which at this point you should be able to tell if heís being truthful or not. Itís easy to say things to cover actual emotions and thoughts over the phone because you canít physically see the other person. Things like that shouldnít be discussed and decided just over a phone call.

    Men like honesty and being upfront, so if you show that to him and persuade him to do the same, then he most likely will. Iíd recommend that you call him, tell him youíre worried or concerned about how heís acting, and find a time to see each other to have a real talk about it.

    I know you said you have a lot of love for him and he said he has a lot for you, so if he truly cares about you he will be willingly to be truthful to your face, away from any phones.

  5. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry for your hurt.

    All you can do is listen to what he's telling youóthat something in him has clicked off, made him decide that he can't continue with you. It sucks. It's not your fault, not his. Whatever might be behind his reasoning is not as important as the choice he's made. We can only be compatible with people who want to be with us, and right now you guys aren't compatible.

    The thing to focus on right now is not himówhen you might see him, etc.óbut yourself. He is an adult. He is okay. You are an adult too, and you will be okay. Focus on what you need right now to be okay as you process this loss and the hurt. I would suggest cutting off contact for a bit, because it sounds like, right now, staying in touch is more of recipe for confusion than clarity.

    Again, I'm sorry. I wish I had the magic button to make it all feel differentlyóand to make him feel differentlyóbut such button does not exist.

  6. #4
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    I am so sorry. This must be very painful.

    Now, you need to get tough. You must go complete no contact. You are giving him the benefit of a girlfriend, without being his girlfriend. By staying in contact, you are making it easier for him to move on to another girl He does not even get a chance to miss you.

    You need to show him that you respect yourself by cutting him off, unless he wants a full reconciliation. He will probably be upset, but too bad, he chose to dump you.

    Next time he reaches out, tell him that you love him, but do not want to hear from him, unless he wants full reconciliation. That is it. You cannot be his friend, either.

    Hang out with family and friends and do not discuss him. It helps to stay busy.

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  8. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    In this day and age (more common in earlier decades) it's not often that people meet in their teen years and it lasts a lifetime. He probably wants more dating experiences before becoming so serious with anyone. It's not going to work, staying in contact with him, when his goals are different than yours.

    I know it's hard to go cold turkey with no contact will be difficult because he's been in your life for a while, but it will be in your best interest to do so for closure, since he's no longer your boyfriend.

    He's no longer in your life, so eventually you will stop caring what he's doing and with whom, and it's his responsibility to make sure he's safe and okay, not yours. It's hard to imagine that you will heal and move on after you mourn, but you will if you concentrate on your own well being instead of his. Take care.

  9. 08-05-2019, 12:45 PM

  10. #6
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    Originally Posted by E98
    I canít say what exactly would cause him to not be ready for a relationship all of a sudden, but I think you need to call him and set up a time to meet to be straight forward with eachother, which you canít really do over the phone. You be honest, and tell him to be honest, which at this point you should be able to tell if heís being truthful or not. Itís easy to say things to cover actual emotions and thoughts over the phone because you canít physically see the other person. Things like that shouldnít be discussed and decided just over a phone call.

    Men like honesty and being upfront, so if you show that to him and persuade him to do the same, then he most likely will. Iíd recommend that you call him, tell him youíre worried or concerned about how heís acting, and find a time to see each other to have a real talk about it.

    I know you said you have a lot of love for him and he said he has a lot for you, so if he truly cares about you he will be willingly to be truthful to your face, away from any phones.
    He has already been honest. This did not happen overnight. I am certain he has been thinking about this for months.

  11. #7
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    You need to respect his wants and needs. Right now he doesn't want a relationship, so do not try to force one. It hurts. It really does. And it is never easy. It is simply something that time has to heal.

    Don't try to bombard him with calls and texts, give him the space he wants. If he misses you, he will let you know.

  12. #8
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    He has already been honest. This did not happen overnight. I am certain he has been thinking about this for months.
    Possibly, but it still needs to be said in person. Nothing like that ever truly gets resolved over a phone call.

  13. #9
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    Originally Posted by E98
    Possibly, but it still needs to be said in person. Nothing like that ever truly gets resolved over a phone call.
    I agree it wasn't the best way, but it is done. Thankfully, it wasn't done over text. Another meeting will only bring more pain. The bottom line, is that he does not want a relationship with her.

  14. #10
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    Well, they are teenagers and teenagers tend to do all of their communication via electronic devices. Many of the young people I work with look at me like I have two heads when I mention old fashioned ideas like phone calls and in-person dates.

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