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Text on ex's birthday or not


goddess

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Hi peeps! I apologise for being so dramatic and silly but I would appreciate your opinions on what to do.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. Some quick background info on me for those who don't know me: I am recently divorced, as of January 2019, after 29 years of marriage. I am the dumpee. I've been NC with the ex since June 2018. I have absolutely no desire to see him, text him or otherwise. We share two adult sons so I imagine that, at some point in the future, I will see him (which I dread). Guess I'm still in the anger phase. That said, he sent me a text yesterday saying "Happy Birthday". I was so stunned and didn't know what to make of it. I broke down and cried, I'm embarrassed to say. I cannot fathom why on earth he would do that. It was totally unnecessary and all it did was upset me. I'm trying really hard to forget him. I decided, however, to take the high road and answered "Thank you".

 

His birthday is in December. So, my question is: do I send him a text saying "Happy Birthday"?

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Think about how upset his text made you.

 

If you text him the upset will be magnetized by 1,000. Because he'll either respond with a simple "Thank you" (like you did) and you'll wonder "What did he MEAN?????" or he will ignore which will make you feel equally bad and silly.

 

Besides, remember in December you won't feel the same way you do now about him. That's 4 months away!

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These moments are basically inevitable with a history like yours: married nearly three decades, with two kids. You handled it well with your "thank you." Now your feel this little wave of angst, which, as you've learned, will pass.

 

In terms of December? My advice is to deal with December in December, not in August. If you feel like wishing him well, you can wish him well. If you don't, you don't. If it brings you comfort and security to decide, right now, that you don't want to text him—well, then make that choice so you can return to the present tense. The present tense is your best friend.

 

There's no right or wrong here—simply what works for you.

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My parents broke up for the last time when my brother and I were adults. The only time they have seen each other in the past 27 years was my wedding and my brother’s wedding that’s it . Just block him and you don’t need to receive text. It is not like you need to coparent anyway .

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My first marriage ended, by my choice, after 23 years, and 25 years together. My children were in their late teens and early twenties at the time. Any communication that happened had to do with our children, (which was rare at their ages) and that worked well for us.

 

No, I wouldn't block his number as there might be a time where there is an emergency that happens with one of your children and you might have to inform him, or vice versa. No, I would not text him a happy birthday. And with you being upset when he wished you a happy birthday, if he communicates to you again and it's not about the children, I would politely tell him that from now on, you think it would be best to keep the communication to the rare occasion that you need to communicate about your children.

 

I know how upsetting it feels, from other incidences, to be intruded on by an ex, bringing me back to square one with closure. You're the only one who has your own back, so create the boundaries that you're comfortable with. Take care.

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These moments are basically inevitable with a history like yours: married nearly three decades, with two kids. You handled it well with your "thank you." Now your feel this little wave of angst, which, as you've learned, will pass.

 

In terms of December? My advice is to deal with December in December, not in August. If you feel like wishing him well, you can wish him well. If you don't, you don't. If it brings you comfort and security to decide, right now, that you don't want to text him—well, then make that choice so you can return to the present tense. The present tense is your best friend.

 

There's no right or wrong here—simply what works for you.

 

I agree.

 

It’s over now but the both of you spent a significant amount of time together.

 

FWIW, our first year of separation my ex and I were extremely NC unless it was about coparenting, but he would contact me with random questions on important dates like our anniversary and my birthday, the first year is weird, passing milestones and such, play it by ear, if in December you want to be cordial, be cordial, I have to be since I coparent, you have more options, it’s up to you, do what feels right, if it’s making you cry though there may still be some unresolved feelings, so be mindful of that.

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Early post divorce, any contact with my ex set me back. As the years go on, two children between us and contact is and always will be inevitable.

 

I am not saying you should feel o.k. about. Honor however it is you do feel. But as time goes on repeated exposure to such things eventually lessons the impact.

 

Don't read into it. He's being civil. Being civil in return is what was called for. Good for you. Next time will be easier.

 

Shake it off and be give yourself some credit for being on the road to becoming resilient to these things.

Deep breath. You'll get there.

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I don’t think it is always inevitable. My parents haven’t spoken a word to each other in 27 years. Even at mine and my sibling’s wedding they never spoke to each other .

 

I haven't spoken to my ex husband since we both attended our youngest's college graduation. And that was in 2014. And the only words that were spoken were (from me) "Hello Ex, how are you?" And "Ex, how about being in the picture with me and Daughter so she can have a 'parents' photo?" Prior to that I can't even remember. We don't wish one another Happy Birthday or anything.

 

We don't hate one another...we just have zero reason to communicate.

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Your response was short and civil... actually maybe better than not responding at all - good job!

 

Absolutely do NOT text him... avoid any contact whatsoever from this point on. You will thank yourself later.

 

Hang in there! :smug:

 

What you said makes sense. No reason why I should text him. Thanks.

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Think about how upset his text made you.

 

If you text him the upset will be magnetized by 1,000. Because he'll either respond with a simple "Thank you" (like you did) and you'll wonder "What did he MEAN?????" or he will ignore which will make you feel equally bad and silly.

 

Besides, remember in December you won't feel the same way you do now about him. That's 4 months away!

 

How right you are. I agree, his text was very upsetting. I'm still thinking about it. Crazy. Perhaps I will feel differently in December but I still think it's a good idea to not text him. What for, right?

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Look, he is the father of your children. If you want to send a happy birthday text, do it without worrying about it. Your 'thank you' response was appropriate. Sometimes you just have to bury the hatchet.

 

Yes, he is the father of my children but the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should not text him. After all, what purpose would it serve, other than opening up my wounds again?

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These moments are basically inevitable with a history like yours: married nearly three decades, with two kids. You handled it well with your "thank you." Now your feel this little wave of angst, which, as you've learned, will pass.

 

In terms of December? My advice is to deal with December in December, not in August. If you feel like wishing him well, you can wish him well. If you don't, you don't. If it brings you comfort and security to decide, right now, that you don't want to text him—well, then make that choice so you can return to the present tense. The present tense is your best friend.

 

There's no right or wrong here—simply what works for you.

 

I guess I wanted to know what the proper thing to do was in this case. You know, common courtesy. But, after reading what some posters said, why should I bother texting him? I want nothing to do with him, ever. The only time I'd want him to text me, or vice versa, is if (God forbid) something happened to one of my kids. Thanks, bluecastle.

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My parents broke up for the last time when my brother and I were adults. The only time they have seen each other in the past 27 years was my wedding and my brother’s wedding that’s it . Just block him and you don’t need to receive text. It is not like you need to coparent anyway .

 

I feel that the same thing that happened with your parents will happen to me. However, Andrina has a very good point: "there might be a time where there is an emergency that happens with one of your children and you might have to inform him, or vice versa". So, I won't block him but I won't text him either.

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My first marriage ended, by my choice, after 23 years, and 25 years together. My children were in their late teens and early twenties at the time. Any communication that happened had to do with our children, (which was rare at their ages) and that worked well for us.

 

No, I wouldn't block his number as there might be a time where there is an emergency that happens with one of your children and you might have to inform him, or vice versa. No, I would not text him a happy birthday. And with you being upset when he wished you a happy birthday, if he communicates to you again and it's not about the children, I would politely tell him that from now on, you think it would be best to keep the communication to the rare occasion that you need to communicate about your children.

 

I know how upsetting it feels, from other incidences, to be intruded on by an ex, bringing me back to square one with closure. You're the only one who has your own back, so create the boundaries that you're comfortable with. Take care.

 

What you said about not blocking his number makes so much sense, Andrina. But, I won't text him.

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I agree.

 

It’s over now but the both of you spent a significant amount of time together.

 

FWIW, our first year of separation my ex and I were extremely NC unless it was about coparenting, but he would contact me with random questions on important dates like our anniversary and my birthday, the first year is weird, passing milestones and such, play it by ear, if in December you want to be cordial, be cordial, I have to be since I coparent, you have more options, it’s up to you, do what feels right, if it’s making you cry though there may still be some unresolved feelings, so be mindful of that.

 

Without a doubt, there certainly are unresolved feelings at this time. But, I decided that I won't text him. Why should I, right?

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Early post divorce, any contact with my ex set me back. As the years go on, two children between us and contact is and always will be inevitable.

 

I am not saying you should feel o.k. about. Honor however it is you do feel. But as time goes on repeated exposure to such things eventually lessons the impact.

 

Don't read into it. He's being civil. Being civil in return is what was called for. Good for you. Next time will be easier.

 

Shake it off and be give yourself some credit for being on the road to becoming resilient to these things.

Deep breath. You'll get there.

 

Thank you for your sage words, reinventmyself. They made a lot of sense.

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My parents don’t even have each other’s number. My dad doesn’t even know where my mom lives . If something were to happen to me or my brother the other child would inform our father.

I feel that the same thing that happened with your parents will happen to me. However, Andrina has a very good point: "there might be a time where there is an emergency that happens with one of your children and you might have to inform him, or vice versa". So, I won't block him but I won't text him either.
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goddess, what would your sons have you do? Do you think they'd want you to be triggered by every reference to their father?

 

Well, I don't talk to them about their father and vice versa. It's easier for me to heal this way. It's a done deal. We're divorced. Knowing my sons, they would probably say that that was a thoughtful gesture on his part. They are so kind, caring and loving.

 

I only told my older son because he took me out to lunch yesterday and I received the text about 10 minutes before he picked me up. My heart was actually still palpitating at that point. I'm sure my son would have sensed that something was wrong so that's why I told him. My younger son lives 5 hours' drive away and I haven't told him. I don't think I'll tell him. When I asked my son what possessed him to send the text, his response was "He still cares for you, Mom." Yeah, right, I thought to myself. I told him that I wanted to change the subject and not discuss anything to do with his father. I wanted to enjoy my lunch. I don't care that he, supposedly, cares. He threw me to the curb. End of story. I'm doing my best to move on. I am nothing to him now (other than my kids' father) so he doesn't have to acknowledge anything in my life now. He has no business sending me anything. Yes, guess I am hurt and angry.

 

I don't mean to sound sour or nasty to you, Sarah, but receiving that text threw me for a loop. And, I truly didn't expect to react this way. I am still so agitated/upset today. A stupid little text. Something that I didn't need right now because I am still so broken.

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