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Thread: Text on ex's birthday or not

  1. #1
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    Text on ex's birthday or not

    Hi peeps! I apologise for being so dramatic and silly but I would appreciate your opinions on what to do.

    Yesterday was my birthday. Some quick background info on me for those who don't know me: I am recently divorced, as of January 2019, after 29 years of marriage. I am the dumpee. I've been NC with the ex since June 2018. I have absolutely no desire to see him, text him or otherwise. We share two adult sons so I imagine that, at some point in the future, I will see him (which I dread). Guess I'm still in the anger phase. That said, he sent me a text yesterday saying "Happy Birthday". I was so stunned and didn't know what to make of it. I broke down and cried, I'm embarrassed to say. I cannot fathom why on earth he would do that. It was totally unnecessary and all it did was upset me. I'm trying really hard to forget him. I decided, however, to take the high road and answered "Thank you".

    His birthday is in December. So, my question is: do I send him a text saying "Happy Birthday"?

  2. #2
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Your response was short and civil... actually maybe better than not responding at all - good job!

    Absolutely do NOT text him... avoid any contact whatsoever from this point on. You will thank yourself later.

    Hang in there!

  3. #3
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    Think about how upset his text made you.

    If you text him the upset will be magnetized by 1,000. Because he'll either respond with a simple "Thank you" (like you did) and you'll wonder "What did he MEAN?????" or he will ignore which will make you feel equally bad and silly.

    Besides, remember in December you won't feel the same way you do now about him. That's 4 months away!

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Look, he is the father of your children. If you want to send a happy birthday text, do it without worrying about it. Your 'thank you' response was appropriate. Sometimes you just have to bury the hatchet.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Look, he is the father of your children.
    But they are adults, so there is no need for co-parenting at this point. I say she moves on and doesn't bother contacting him!

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    These moments are basically inevitable with a history like yours: married nearly three decades, with two kids. You handled it well with your "thank you." Now your feel this little wave of angst, which, as you've learned, will pass.

    In terms of December? My advice is to deal with December in December, not in August. If you feel like wishing him well, you can wish him well. If you don't, you don't. If it brings you comfort and security to decide, right now, that you don't want to text himówell, then make that choice so you can return to the present tense. The present tense is your best friend.

    There's no right or wrong hereósimply what works for you.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My parents broke up for the last time when my brother and I were adults. The only time they have seen each other in the past 27 years was my wedding and my brotherís wedding thatís it . Just block him and you donít need to receive text. It is not like you need to coparent anyway .

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    My first marriage ended, by my choice, after 23 years, and 25 years together. My children were in their late teens and early twenties at the time. Any communication that happened had to do with our children, (which was rare at their ages) and that worked well for us.

    No, I wouldn't block his number as there might be a time where there is an emergency that happens with one of your children and you might have to inform him, or vice versa. No, I would not text him a happy birthday. And with you being upset when he wished you a happy birthday, if he communicates to you again and it's not about the children, I would politely tell him that from now on, you think it would be best to keep the communication to the rare occasion that you need to communicate about your children.

    I know how upsetting it feels, from other incidences, to be intruded on by an ex, bringing me back to square one with closure. You're the only one who has your own back, so create the boundaries that you're comfortable with. Take care.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    These moments are basically inevitable with a history like yours: married nearly three decades, with two kids. You handled it well with your "thank you." Now your feel this little wave of angst, which, as you've learned, will pass.

    In terms of December? My advice is to deal with December in December, not in August. If you feel like wishing him well, you can wish him well. If you don't, you don't. If it brings you comfort and security to decide, right now, that you don't want to text himówell, then make that choice so you can return to the present tense. The present tense is your best friend.

    There's no right or wrong hereósimply what works for you.
    I agree.

    Itís over now but the both of you spent a significant amount of time together.

    FWIW, our first year of separation my ex and I were extremely NC unless it was about coparenting, but he would contact me with random questions on important dates like our anniversary and my birthday, the first year is weird, passing milestones and such, play it by ear, if in December you want to be cordial, be cordial, I have to be since I coparent, you have more options, itís up to you, do what feels right, if itís making you cry though there may still be some unresolved feelings, so be mindful of that.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Early post divorce, any contact with my ex set me back. As the years go on, two children between us and contact is and always will be inevitable.

    I am not saying you should feel o.k. about. Honor however it is you do feel. But as time goes on repeated exposure to such things eventually lessons the impact.

    Don't read into it. He's being civil. Being civil in return is what was called for. Good for you. Next time will be easier.

    Shake it off and be give yourself some credit for being on the road to becoming resilient to these things.
    Deep breath. You'll get there.

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