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Thread: Struggling with a break up based on friends comments

  1. #1
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    Struggling with a break up based on friends comments

    I posted on here before that I recently ended an 8 month relationship with a man who was hot and cold, indecisive, and in the end, putting me down. After this relationship ended my friends and even random colleagues came up to me asking why I even dated him, how he was well below my "league." I loved him and obviously didn't think this at all.

    After the breakup, I was struggling to understand the de-evolution of our relationship until I read articles on how people behave when they act out of insecurity and it describes his behavior perfectly. I also read about attachment styles and realized i'm definitely a dismissive avoidant. I was so unaware he was insecure and because of this, I definitely did not help him dismiss his insecurities about the relationship/his own views of himself, in fact I probably made things worse because I didn't understand my own insecure attachment style.

    I blocked him on all social media except facebook (just unfriended) and deleted his number after me initiating the breakup. Its been 4 months no contact, and the talk with my friends about my own attachment style has made me feel really guilty for cutting him out of my life because I never gave him a chance for closure because he really hurt me.

    I was wondering if I should open communication to apologize for my role or allow him to contact me if he so chooses? He has been hovering my social media so I am hoping he will reach out first. But I was wondering everyone's opinions on how to proceed, wait for him to reach out, or if you don't believe he will contact me to reach out to him, or leave it be? Sorry for the length... thanks for reading.

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    What type of feedback are you looking for that you didnít already get in your almost other identical post about this?

    Heís a jacka**. Move on.

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    Feeling guilty about my own role in being very avoidant. I don't think he is purely just a jerk anymore, just very insecure. Wondering if I can at least mend things or if it will do no good.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Good for you for learning more about yourself.

    Now is the unsavoury part: I think you're overdoing it with overanalyzing your attachment style and personality to the point where you are guilt-tripping yourself and finding ways to self-sabotage and get overly anxious. It's over the top and a bit dramatic. You should not contact him again or vice versa. It's over. Try coming out of the "he hurt me" victim role. The point is that you met him as your equal and it didn't work out. Start believing more in yourself and avoid over-reading online articles and nitpicking the past. You're drowning in nonsense. Move forwards, be more productive with your present and future and learn to take the good with the bad, laugh things off now and then and stay positive.

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    I don't mean to come off as dramatic or drowning in nonsense. Our break up was precipitated by his friends being inappropriate with me, hitting on me in front of him, and when he seemed upset I took it as him being untrusting of me. A week later was when he was putting me down publicly in front of those same friends which made me cut him off without giving him a chance to speak. Obviously there were numerous other problems but since doing some reflection I have found on numerous occasions like this I could have acted better. I understand the relationship is toxic and not one I would like to repeat. But I'm wondering if more needs to be said in understanding and forgiveness.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think that's a personal question and a decision you should make for yourself. I don't think it's healthy however to go back and forth over the past's events. If this was an ongoing relationship and you had not broken up, yes, conversations would be appropriate. An alternate example might be if you both are obliged in some way to continue interacting either at a work place consistently or you share custody with kids. The relationship is four months over and you are still seeking ways to get back in contact with a person who wasn't healthy for you in the start. This seems very inappropriate and your reasons (I'm sorry) are not enough to initiate contact again. I think you would be self-sabotaging and going backwards. You also seem to have a lingering strong emotional connection to this person and initiating any contact with this person is a potentially volatile situation considering your history and not enough reason, in my opinion, to ever go back or discuss any issues.

    Whatever problems you've unhashed and healed from in this situation is really about you. I'd take a moment and rethink the decision to want to share it with this other person. You might want to think about what outcome you're looking for (realistically). This means instead of working on an impulse, really think about what you want out of speaking to this person again. If you seek understanding and forgiveness it implies that you think he's the one who should be understanding and forgiving. If you want him to think of you as a more understanding and forgiving person, your initiating contact is purely self-serving and selfish. It would only serve your motives because you seek to appear a certain way to this person.

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    We have numerous mutual friends and are in the same career field but not the same company so it is conceivable I run into him again. I feel i'm really being misunderstood. I am dating other people and when I blocked him I had absolutely no intention of reaching out ever. If I were to reach out it would be to apologize for how I responded without compassion for numerous things in our relationship that I understand now probably really hurt him. Is apologizing to someone for my actions based on new growth self serving? We have differing views on this. When I leave relationships it is for good, but this past month of friends bringing this up to me has made me grow and learn making this guilt only a recent bring back of feelings that I did not feel at all for the first 3 months of no contact.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I've had an ex (actually three in total in my life, depending how far back we want to go) apologize to me after the fact. It was more about them than about me. I had no desire to hear from them again. This is really about you wanting to apologize and ask for forgiveness. Be prepared that the other person may not be interested at all or may find your approach inappropriate. That's all I'm saying. If you feel it's the right choice for you, why are you so unsure about it in the first place? You should feel confident it's right for you and just do what you have to do. Either way, I hope things work out and feel better soon.

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    On the contrary this has been eye opening and changed my mind about apologizing... two people cause the break up not just the person who was forced to have to stab themselves in their own heart because they know it is too toxic to continue... if apologizing is seen as something self serving to some dumpees I can live with my own growth and move forward with my current dating prospects. Thanks for the help.

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    I don't reccomend apologizing just to make yourself feel better. That's a crappy thing to do. I don't know about anyone else but when someone screws me over, them coming back and apologizing and acknowledging they screwed me over doesn't make me feel any better, it just makes them feel better about themselves. It's self serving and nasty.

    If you treated someone horribly leave that person alone so they can heal. You can apologize years later, apologies dont have due dates. I would hold off until you know forsure that the person is feeling NO pain about the situation anymore. Then you can come in and apologize.

    You're not apologizing because you're sorry it sounds like you're doing it to make yourself feel better and you're using it as an excuse to wedge your way back into his life to access the damage you've caused.

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