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Thread: Text on ex's birthday or not

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    First of all, Happy Birthday. You handled it very well. Don't worry about his birthday, cross that bridge when you get to it. Consider birthdays after relationships end can seem teaming with mixed emotions and sometimes lonely, be easy on yourself and know you handled it with grace under fire.

    And lastly, enjoy your birthday. How did you spend the day?
    Thank you for your bd wishes, Wiseman2. I guess you're right about crossing that bridge when I get to it. I might feel differently by then. It's just that his text threw me for a loop. I know it's pretty ridiculous but it's how I felt. He said he wanted a divorce mid-May last year. He didn't send me a bd text last August (and I am extraordinarily glad that he didn't) because he was too busy dating another woman. So, why this year? Guilt? I simply didn't think it was appropriate, or necessary, for him to send that text now after more than a year of NC whatsoever. I don't buy that he was being polite or whatever. I know it's just a text but it deeply affected me. If I see him at some point in the future, I will be civil, courteous and polite but I'd treat him like I would any acquaintance. I don't owe him anything else. I'm not going to chit-chat with him. He's not my friend or buddy.

    My son took me out to lunch. It was so enjoyable.

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My mother is remarried and has been for 25 years. My father is in very serious ill health doesnít mean she wants every blow by blow of his life . If he is dead I will let her know. Thatís if I find out from my aunts. I talk to my dad maybe twice a year. If my mom died I would let him know.

    When people are adults parents are no longer the bridge in relationships .
    I don't know how to answer this. I am sorry, however, to hear that your father is in very serious health.

  3. #43
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    He did it all to himself. All preventable.
    Originally Posted by goddess
    I don't know how to answer this. I am sorry, however, to hear that your father is in very serious health.

  4. #44
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    You can do that all while not in contact with him . You guys are no longer a bridge between your kids and each other or your kids and their dad or between each other. Your kids are adults.
    I understand, but I am in NC with him. He knows my phone number by heart, as do my kids. He's not on social media either.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Texting Happy Birthday is not a bad thing, but it's more politeness if it's an ex. As long as you don't overthink it and wonder if it means he cares, etc.

    By the way, Happy Birthday. I truly hope this upcoming year will bring you lots of healing and love.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Here's another thought ~
    I did my best to shield my now adult sons from my grief and animosity. They both have an equally full life with their father. They feel safe confiding in me with things when issues arise with their father. I am able to be supportive and objective (with them) and I believe they otherwise might not share, if I didn't. My goal is that they have a great relationship with both their parents. Because that's what's best for them.

    My relationship with their father was between the two of us. I don't use them to carry information or messages that I could otherwise do myself.

    Be careful how you handle your end. Try not to lean on your sons because it puts them in the middle, no matter how much you want to think otherwise. They don't deserve that.

    Granted, I rarely ever hear from my ex, especially now that the boys are older. But I might get a random Merry Christmas and such. Nothing is ever consistent. But kindness begets kindness.

    Without the effort of both of their parents we wouldn't have been able to celebrate graduations, engagements and a recent wedding and still be civil and enjoy ourselves.

    They called me once, very upset when their dad was in the hospital. Awkward moment that I didn't have a road map for. What is my responsibility when stuff like this arises?? When all was said and done, I supported my sons. That's what they were looking for when they reached out to me. I reached out to their dad to see if there anything I could do. Your kids are always watching. Take the high road whenever possible. Everyone benefits from it.

    Sure we can ignore each other and use the boys are go betweens, but nothing serves them better than merely act `as if'
    The exercise of `acting as if' eventually takes hold and my ex and I are able to socialize together. He's recently single, but I got along famously with his gf.

    My ex's family loves me and I am not denied a relationship with them.
    I also look forward to having grand kids and not having those awkward moments.

    I also wouldn't been sharing this 6 months in. You still have some grieving and healing to do.
    Just some things to think about. . .
    This -- "I did my best to shield my now adult sons from my grief and animosity. They both have an equally full life with their father. They feel safe confiding in me with things when issues arise with their father. I am able to be supportive and objective (with them) and I believe they otherwise might not share, if I didn't. My goal is that they have a great relationship with both their parents. Because that's what's best for them."
    I do my best to do the same. I do want them to have a good relationship with their father; no doubt about that. They tell me certain things, like his recent move and new job. I respond with a simple "Oh". I don't ask questions but listen to what they tell me. I do respect the fact that he is their father. I keep how I really feel about him to myself.

    I mentioned the text to my son because I received it about 10 minutes before he came by to take me to lunch. I felt like I was visibly shaking. His text deeply affected me because it opened the floodgates to so many emotions. Anyone could see that I was crying and that's why I told him. I regained my composure as best as I could for my son's sake. And, it's embarrassing to admit to myself that that stupid text got me so upset. Thank you for your feedback. I have such a long way before I am healed.

  8. #47
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    goddess, I hope it's not too late to wish you a 'Happy Birthday!' Chin up, lady.

    I'm sorry you were shaken. Try to remove your emotions even if it's difficult to do. If you become unemotional, his HB text won't affect you as much. Take baby steps with your healing.

    A trick I've since learned is to become numb just like your 'blah' attitude whenever your sons relay news about your ex to you; just like whenever you say, "Oh." Just like that. Treat your feelings toward your ex the same way such as when he wrote the HB text. Be 'blah' about this and you won't feel so nervous.

    Remember, just remain civil and blunt. I do it all the time with people whom I'm not fond of. I'm very 'blah' and it works wonders. Don't care because that married life is over. It's in the past. Always practice good diplomacy for yourself, your ex and your grown adult sons. It keeps the peace and at the end of the day peace is all that matters. Peace and peace of mind knowing you behaved accordingly with honor to yourself, your ex and sons. You don't have to do anymore than that. Don't be unnatural. Just remain civil and polite yet distant. It can be done and you'll be proud of yourself for doing the right thing.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The first year after a divorce is one of reclaiming holidays and milestones to celebrate in your own way without the ex, so there's bound to be some bumps in the road. How about putting the question on the back burner, and you can revisit it in December. It may or may not be less emotionally charged then, because you'll be working your way through holiday stuff that you were accustomed to spending with spouse, and that can raise new emotional stuff.

    Credit yourself with the ability to navigate through this year and next regardless of how emotionally you may react to any given event. Your emotions are natural, and while they highlight your vulnerability, this doesn't make you less strong--it builds your strength going forward because you're cleaning up your old business.

    There are no 'wrong' answers to your process. You get to decide what's right for you at any given time. The main thing to grasp through all of it is that you are always in charge of whether you'll want to view yourself as accomplishing 'work,' even messy and uncomfortable work, that will purge emotional toxins and strengthen you as you move forward, or whether you are rehashing in a way that only drills you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    Every incident is likely to 'feel' like you're doing the latter at the moment, however, if you allow yourself the time to immerse, you can come out the other side recognizing that there is nothing that can take your progress away from you, and you will feel cleansed rather than toxified. Just as every moment of tears can feel like we're crying for every tear we've ever--or never--cried for ourselves and everyone over a lifetime, we can move forward trusting our ability to grieve as an enhanced ability to keep our own heart open. AND an enhanced ability to recover.

    You don't need to put a positive spin on anything in order to squelch your natural reaction to it. Put the positive spin on your ability to react and recover, instead.

    Head high, and take pride in your baby steps, Goddess.

    (((HUG))),
    Cat

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Texting Happy Birthday is not a bad thing, but it's more politeness if it's an ex. As long as you don't overthink it and wonder if it means he cares, etc.

    By the way, Happy Birthday. I truly hope this upcoming year will bring you lots of healing and love.
    Thank you for your kind wishes, Sherry. Perhaps I'm wrong but I find it hard to believe that the ex is being polite. Why bother now? Guilt? He didn't bother sending me a bd text last year because he was too busy dating a woman who slept in my bed 11 days after I moved out. Sorry for sounding like a drama queen but it did more harm than good. I'm not overthinking it; it just deeply upset me and set me back considerably in the healing process, and that makes me so annoyed. I just want to be left alone. xx

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The first year after a divorce is one of reclaiming holidays and milestones to celebrate in your own way without the ex, so there's bound to be some bumps in the road. How about putting the question on the back burner, and you can revisit it in December. It may or may not be less emotionally charged then, because you'll be working your way through holiday stuff that you were accustomed to spending with spouse, and that can raise new emotional stuff.

    Credit yourself with the ability to navigate through this year and next regardless of how emotionally you may react to any given event. Your emotions are natural, and while they highlight your vulnerability, this doesn't make you less strong--it builds your strength going forward because you're cleaning up your old business.

    There are no 'wrong' answers to your process. You get to decide what's right for you at any given time. The main thing to grasp through all of it is that you are always in charge of whether you'll want to view yourself as accomplishing 'work,' even messy and uncomfortable work, that will purge emotional toxins and strengthen you as you move forward, or whether you are rehashing in a way that only drills you into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    Every incident is likely to 'feel' like you're doing the latter at the moment, however, if you allow yourself the time to immerse, you can come out the other side recognizing that there is nothing that can take your progress away from you, and you will feel cleansed rather than toxified. Just as every moment of tears can feel like we're crying for every tear we've ever--or never--cried for ourselves and everyone over a lifetime, we can move forward trusting our ability to grieve as an enhanced ability to keep our own heart open. AND an enhanced ability to recover.

    You don't need to put a positive spin on anything in order to squelch your natural reaction to it. Put the positive spin on your ability to react and recover, instead.

    Head high, and take pride in your baby steps, Goddess.

    (((HUG))),
    Cat
    Thank you, Cat. Your message makes a lot of sense. I'm calmer now and I will see how I feel in December. But I can almost guarantee you that I won't bother sending anything. I am nothing to him now, except the mother of his kids. I don't need or want his wishes. He nearly destroyed me with the divorce and I want to pick up the pieces, in peace, and move on.

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