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Thread: Ex boyfriend advice. Confused?

  1. #1

    Ex boyfriend advice. Confused?

    My ex and I broke up in the beginning of May, we only dated for a short period of time but we really hit it off on the first date and from there on our relationship moved fast quite quickly. We had a few incidents, all my fault for example I called him intoxicated a couple of times and said some things I didn't mean, he came over one night and I was quite intoxicated and was acting as he said "crazy" and it kind of made him see me differently... & then I broke up with him a couple of weeks after. He knew before dating me I had a drinking problem (which I am working on, and I've been doing a lot better) so he kind of knew what he was getting himself into. So, after breaking up I desperately tried to mend the relationship but it wasn't possible. He said we could be friends and he would be there for me if I need him. We made plans a month or so in advance to hang out because he was going on a trip and then had family visiting.

    So we hung out a few weeks ago and it was like nothing had changed we still had a connection we had a fun time, we did hook up and he said " you know I still like you" I said yeah, he said but I just can't get over the past all that happened and that night you weren't acting like yourself I can't get it out of my head. He walked me to my car and asked if he could come visit me and I said yes.

    A week went by and he texted me saying he was thinking of me, and how he enjoys my company and how I make him feel at peace when he is around me. I said well I've never connected with someone on the first date like I did with you and he said same here. I asked him to hang out the following week but he had plans, and said the week after would work.

    Im currently on Tinder and I came across him on there recently and i accidently swiped yes, and he did too and we were matched. He messaged me right away and we chatted a little, then he texted me tonight and we were chatting about the dating app, he asked if I was enjoying the "stupid" app, and if I was going on a date soon. I responded its not a stupid app otherwise I wouldn't of met you, and that I was going for tea with someone this week.

    I am just confused what to think.... he previously said just wanted to be friends..he said he can't get over the past.. he is on a dating app, so why does he text me saying hes thinking of me and say sweet things to me. I'm not sure what to do if I should ignore him? I do still have feelings for him! If he wanted to date again I would. But it's hard to move on when he contacts me it reels me back in.
    Advice Please.
    Thanks for reading!

  2. #2
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    Stop sleeping with him. See if he still comes sniffing around.

    If he's on Tinder, he's looking for other options. Fair enough. Just be prepared for him to fade out when he meets someone he does want to date more seriously.

    In short? Tell him you can't continue hanging out with him if he doesn't wish to work toward reconciliation. I think you will find out then if he's just coming to you to fill time between Tinder dates.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Agree with MissCanuck.

    My feeling is that he genuinely likes you, genuinely finds you attractive, and genuinely has serious doubts about being serious with you. So he is happy to have sex and flirt and connect, but that doesn't mean he isn't also looking around elsewhere and open to exploring something with someone else who doesn't trigger those same doubts.

    All that puts you in a pretty vulnerable position, a position few people are comfortable in very long. Do know that having sex and being flirty is not going to be the thing that "wakes him up" to glory that is you and your potential future together, so if that's what you want to be pursuing with him it's best to be straight up and let him know that you only want to spend time with him if it's about exploring reconciliation. And if you feel that both of you being on Tinder is a hindrance to that, be honest about that too.

    Big picture? Keep working on getting the drinking under control. Sounds like one lesson of this brief relationship is that the drinking doesn't mesh well with sustainable romance.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to adress your drinking problem not expect people to tolerate it because 'they knew what they were getting into". That statement in itself means you are still lying to yourself and in denial.

    The path you're on will lead to arrests, DUIs some visits to an ER or two for accidents, etc. Or you can drink a few more years and get fat, ugly and cirrhosis. Or just end up in a morgue from a car crash or in jail from killing someone else. Because 'you're working on it" and that basically means you're doing nothing to attend a detox, rehab or support groups or whatever it take to get sober. Do the world a favor and stay off the roads when 'you're working on it" but still drinking.
    Originally Posted by Palmtree0
    He knew before dating me I had a drinking problem (which I am working on, and I've been doing a lot better) so he kind of knew what he was getting himself into.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to adress your drinking problem not expect people to tolerate it because 'they knew what they were getting into". That statement in itself means you are still lying to yourself and in denial.

    The path you're on will lead to arrests, DUIs some visits to an ER or two for accidents, etc. Or you can drink a few more years and get fat, ugly and cirrhosis. Or just end up in a morgue from a car crash or in jail from killing someone else. Because 'you're working on it" and that basically means you're doing nothing to attend a detox, rehab or support groups or whatever it take to get sober. Do the world a favor and stay off the roads when 'you're working on it" but still drinking.
    I don't think we know enough about the OP to make these accusations... I agree drinking problems are serious issues, but I don't see where she did any of this....

  7. #6
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    If you are currently working on getting your drinking under control, you might want to think about taking a break from the dating scene. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Crazy intoxicated is not attractive and will not win others' affections.

    Work on you. When you are in the right place, then think about working on you + one.

  8. #7
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    Nothing to be confused about. He used you as a booty call and now wants to keep you on the baclk burner for when he wants sex.

    Focus on your drinking problem.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    If I had an ex with a drinking problem, that I just ended a relationship with and in turn found them on a dating app, I'd doubt their commitment to getting sober.

    I would think someone with a drinking problem, like you described should refrain from distracting yourself with dating and put that energy into getting yourself into a better place before you consider dating again.

  10. #9
    Thanks all, yes I know I have to work on my drinking I go to meetings occasionally as well as councelling. My ex did not drink at all he had never even had a drink so for him I suppose to see me intoxicated was a shock I suppose. His parents drink and his mom has a bit of a problem he told me, perhaps thats why he doesn't drink.
    My drinking progressively got worse in October moving out for the first time 5 hours away from my family and I drank more because of the lonliness and I was dealing with other things which caused stress.

    Being with him would be good for me because he doesn't drink and I think it would help me to continue to stay sober.
    However I am going to do what MissCanuck said to do and see what happens. I enjoy hearing from him once in awhile but I dont like when he says how he misses me etc, I'd hate to have to cut contact completely but I guess I should..

  11. #10
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    Please don't make him responsible for your sobriety. I had an ex do that and it's a heavy, heavy burden to place on someone.

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