Asking someone about their recreational drug use

I really hit things off with a woman recently. We have great chemistry, she is very attractive, and mostly seems to be compatible.

However, she mentioned using recreational drugs a number of times, and has been quite open about it. She mentioned using weed based edibles frequently, which doesn’t bother me at all. She also mentioned using some psychedelic type drugs on a single occasion, which I would personally never consider using at this point in my life. Unfortunately, she also mentioned her younger brother has passed away from an opioid over dose many years ago.

I don’t want to seem judgmental but I’d like to know more about the frequency and types of drugs she uses as well as if she wants a partner who also does them. We’ve only been on a handful of dates but this topic has made me proceed with caution. She has been very open about things up to this point. Personally, I’m at a point where I want to settle down and don’t want someone who is not mature in this regard. I’ve always been a party animal but I’m ready to give that up.

Thoughts on bringing this up?

The next time you two speak, I’d just straight-up ask her what types of drugs she takes. It sounds like she’s pretty open about it anyway.

You have every right to know, especially if this is a deal-breaker for you.

Just ask straight up.

Honestly, when it comes to finding the person that will be the closest person to you in life, you need to speak up and not worry about what the other person thinks. Say 'you mentioned you took different drugs, do you do it very often?" If you are looking to 'settle down," someone that regularly partakes in recreational drugs is probably not for you if that is not your lifestyle. If you are wanting to not be a party animal any more, don't expect party animal women to want to settle down - my brother married a woman he would have never met when he was a party animal - she had been really studious, didn't party, but liked her thrills (roller coasters) and is a very interesting person in other ways because of what she was able to pursue because she wasn't on a bender.

I wouldn't immediately write this person off as not being relationship material based on what you wrote, but everyone has their preferences and limitations when it comes to drug use. I would be direct about your thoughts and feelings without being judgmental. Most people appreciate honesty early on in the dating process. If drugs end up making you fundamentally incompatible, better to learn that before you actually get into a relationship.

You're at the point of wanting to settle down and ready to give your your party animal days.

Yes, most definitely bring this up! Get right to the point and ask her everything regarding her recreational drug use. By all means. You have every right to know especially if you want to move forward with this woman or if you decide that her lifestyle goes against your new healthy lifestyle.

You need to be compatible on major fronts such as drug use or non-drug use.

Get clear cut answers right away before you waste your time on a relationship that could fizzle or dissolve quickly.

I wouldn't immediately write this person off as not being relationship material based on what you wrote, but everyone has their preferences and limitations when it comes to drug use. I would be direct about your thoughts and feelings without being judgmental. Most people appreciate honesty early on in the dating process. If drugs end up making you fundamentally incompatible, better to learn that before you actually get into a relationship.

I have a number of close friends who still smoke pot regularly and use other drugs on rare occasion. It doesn’t affect our friendship at all and it’s legal in our area. I still like to go out for drinks and even stay out late sometimes but I’m more focused on wanting marriage and children.

I feel like asking about her habits will only give me an idea of how she views herself. I don’t think occasional psychedelic drug use is necessarily a deal breaker, but regular use probably is.

She brought it up. Ask.

Honestly, when it comes to finding the person that will be the closest person to you in life, you need to speak up and not worry about what the other person thinks. Say 'you mentioned you took different drugs, do you do it very often?" If you are looking to 'settle down," someone that regularly partakes in recreational drugs is probably not for you if that is not your lifestyle. If you are wanting to not be a party animal any more, don't expect party animal women to want to settle down - my brother married a woman he would have never met when he was a party animal - she had been really studious, didn't party, but liked her thrills (roller coasters) and is a very interesting person in other ways because of what she was able to pursue because she wasn't on a bender.

We haven’t discussed relationship goals yet. Do you think the 4-5 date is too early for that? I don’t mean asking for a commitment but just asking what she is seeking in a love interest such as a casual, long-term, marriage, kids vs no kids?

We haven’t discussed relationship goals yet. Do you think the 4-5 date is too early for that? I don’t mean asking for a commitment but just asking what she is seeking in a love interest such as a casual, long-term, marriage, kids vs no kids?

You shouldn’t hesitate to discuss what you’re each looking for, relationship-wise, from the beginning.

Some people who connect online bring it up from the minute they connect with someone, and prior to meeting, so as not to waste anyone’s time.

So no, it’s not too soon to bring up relationship goals/intentions with her after 4/5 dates. You could have brought it up on your first meet/date (in fact, I’d encourage people to do this if they know what they’re looking for/want. This way they don’t waste any time with someone who’s looking for something different).

We haven’t discussed relationship goals yet. Do you think the 4-5 date is too early for that? I don’t mean asking for a commitment but just asking what she is seeking in a love interest such as a casual, long-term, marriage, kids vs no kids?

No, it's not too early at the 4 - 5 date. Ask her not only about her drug use but also her opinion and thoughts regarding a casual, long term relationship, marriage or no kids. Better to know now than waste your time and energy on someone who doesn't share your same serious future goals.

Any reason you didnt ask her when she bought it up? Seemed like the perfect time to discuss it.

Move on.

She's a druggie, what more do you need to know?

I will explain more in depth.

First of all..the thing that jumps out at me was the fact that her brother overdosed. That doesn't happen unless there is an addiction problem. Addiction problems normally run in a family.

Secondly, I know a lot of people smoke weed, etc. I personally am not accepting of it, however, a lot of people are. That's fine. To each their own.

But heavier drugs like she described, are just a no no.

Those types of drugs can make a person out of control and if she's willing to take harder drugs, she's not far off from having serious problems.

She also talks nonchalant about it, which leads me to believe that this IS her lifestyle.

She's used to drugs, she's used to being around drugs and this is going to be a stable thing in her life one way or another.

It definitely does not go together with marriage and children, in fact, it's the absolute opposite of what would work.

If you want to keep her as a friend, that's your call, but as for a mother and a wife...that's a huge NO.

Or you can venture down that rabbit hole and eventually find out that what I am telling you is true, but it will be much worse if there is children involved and a marriage.

Why waste your time when there is many other dating options on the dating sites?

I say throw this one back and go searching again.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^what SherrySher said. She's very, very correct. I agree!

Having deal breakers is not "judgmental". Either her drug history/use puts you off and you go no further or you tolerate it. You never dated nor asked her out so just don't bother since you already know she has behavior you don't like. It's that simple.

Keep in mind you can't fix, change, control or tell people what to do. Dating is a take it or leave it situation.

I really hit things off with a woman recently. She mentioned using weed based edibles frequently, which doesn’t bother me at all. She also mentioned using some psychedelic type drugs on a single occasion, which I would personally never consider using at this point in my life.

We haven’t discussed relationship goals yet. Do you think the 4-5 date is too early for that? I don’t mean asking for a commitment but just asking what she is seeking in a love interest such as a casual, long-term, marriage, kids vs no kids?

Is 4-5 coffee outings with a new friend too early to ask what their interests are? Talk about drugs.

We haven’t discussed relationship goals yet. Do you think the 4-5 date is too early for that? I don’t mean asking for a commitment but just asking what she is seeking in a love interest such as a casual, long-term, marriage, kids vs no kids?

This is the stuff of very first meetings to learn whether you're screening the person out or in.

I’d like to know more about the frequency and types of drugs she uses as well as if she wants a partner who also does them.

This makes no sense. It sounds as though you're too busy questioning whether she'd want to screen YOU out rather than the other way around.

The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you find a good one, not to keep hanging onto anyone who will date you in order to hope they'll somehow evolve into a good match for you.

Drugs are a dealbreaker for healthy people who want a healthy partner. That's not judgmental, it's sane and reasonable.

Just ask her. If she gets offended then oh well.

Not wanting drugs anywhere near you is a right in my opinion. If she's mature she'll understand that with no questions asked.

Also, not sure how old you are but personally I think once you hit a certain age certain drugs like psychedelics should be off limits. I understand pot, it's just the culture we're in...some people see it as the equivalent of their nightly glass of wine. But psychedelics are a different story... that's someone whos coming home from work and setting a few hours of their day aside just to trip.

I have a number of close friends who still smoke pot regularly and use other drugs on rare occasion. It doesn’t affect our friendship at all and it’s legal in our area. I still like to go out for drinks and even stay out late sometimes but I’m more focused on wanting marriage and children.

 

I feel like asking about her habits will only give me an idea of how she views herself. I don’t think occasional psychedelic drug use is necessarily a deal breaker, but regular use probably is.

Imagine a druggie high schooler, at least there's financial limits... a high schooler most likely won't make enough money to maintain an actual drug problem unless someone is enabling them.

But an adult? Someone who has more financial freedom and still chooses drugs over the billion other things she can put her money towards? Not someone you want to mix with. That can get really bad very quick

I would consider it a deal breaker personally and I think it says a lot about the person she is and how she views her life... pot is okay anything else kind of comes off as unstable and unmotivated.

 

Imagine a druggie high schooler, at least there's financial limits... a high schooler most likely won't make enough money to maintain an actual drug problem unless someone is enabling them.

 

But an adult? Someone who has more financial freedom and still chooses drugs over the billion other things she can put her money towards? Not someone you want to mix with. That can get really bad very quick

Even if "pot is okay" to you -- if a woman wants to settle down and have kids, she would give up that once in awhile pot due to the impact on fertility. Even if its legal in your state, its not legal to be around minors, etc....

You can ask. Doubt you'll get an honest answer.