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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #41
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    Thanks all, some good points. Bluecastle and Bolt, yeah I generally agree with you both about Sarah. Although on this point:

    a woman who is pretty shallow, reckless, impulsive, attention-driven, and less than kind when it comes to the business of living.

    I know that the above is true (although she does have good / nice traits also) and I actually thinks it helps me more to remember those negative traits rather than the positive traits. I feel like if I can remind myself of Sarah's negative traits, it'll keep me looking for someone better rather than thinking of a reconnection with her.

    I'm sorry you had insomnia. Been there!

    Thankyou. Got it last night as well (just generally restless though, not to do with any women). Eventually read for a bit and did some press ups then think I drifted off fairly quickly after. Pretty tired today though.

    And if you're meeting someone who is super worried about all that, someone who needs early, massive declarations of "being off the apps" and so on to feel secure—well, it might just not be your cup of tea

    Yeah I do agree with that. I don't think Dianna (who I haven't heard back from btw, so that's dead in the water) liked the idea that I was on a 2nd date with her but also active on a dating app. But I think really that's more her issue than mine - I'm wondering if maybe she'd had a bad experience with someone 'multi-dating' in the past. I'm disappointed that one's not going any further as me and her did get on well and I was attracted to her. But at the same time,I'm nowhere near as upset as I would have been about it a couple of months ago and I think that's an indication of my improved dating mindset.

    So anyway, moving forward, 3 dates in the next 3 days:

    Firstly, 2nd date with Marie tomorrow (Thursday) night. We're going out exploring with my dog
    Then Friday night, a 1st date (drink) with a new girl, Sara from Bumble. She looks an interesting character - blue hair, covered in tattoos, runs her own gym. But I like someone a bit different, so interested to meet her.
    Then Saturday morning, a 1st date (coffee) with Nic - the rescheduled date from Sunday after the bump in the car.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Bummer about Dianna. Who knows, really, what's up with that? If it's anything along the lines of what you suspect—which it may very well be, given her quip about dating and apps—I'd just move forward without much thought.

    I'm really sensitive—not overly, I don't think, just tuned-in—to that energy where I can feel myself being judged through the "Is this guy a player?" lens. Or if I'm meeting up with someone who "hates the whole app thing," and brings that kind of chatter into things early. If the price of admission is "proving" that I'm decent and not "a dog like all the others" I have no interest.

    Signals to me that it will always be an uphill battle, that instead of just being me I will have the added pressure of having to right some kind of past wrongs, prove that good men still walk the earth, and so on, and only once I achieve all that can I exhale and be me—at least until I have to inhale, hold my breath again, and go through the motions of proving my decency and the decency of my gender. I've been burned every which way by women, in dating and in relationships, and yet for some reason my general feeling about women is that they are awesome, interesting. Feel the same about men, about myself, about people. Need someone with a similar attitude.

    My girlfriend wondered, as people do, if I was dating one or four other people when we first met. I wondered the same about her. How could I not? She's smart and beautiful and very much radiates the energy of a woman who has been adored by men. Perhaps she'd say something similar about her "read" on me. But those thoughts were at a very low simmer in the backs of our minds—things time would sort out and nothing to judge either way. If she was in a place in life where she needed lots of cursory attention, or if other men were more enticing than me—all good. Meant we weren't to be. And vise versa. I'd say that attitude, looking back, was a big plus for both of us and remains pretty dominant now that things are committed and serious. It's what allows things to feel Sweetly Serious rather than Serious Serious.

    Regarding Sarah: I prefer not to think of things in a positive/negative binary mode, per the above, but to instead just keep remembering that someone is not right for you. Someone can be all sorts of terrific, but still not be right. Sarah is not right. Her blend of qualities—the good, the not-so-good—does not serve you. Simple, not laced with anger or bitterness. All it will take is a flicker of fun and connection to banish her from your memory bank, which means she doesn't even mean that much to you, you know?

    I've struggled with sleep most of my adult life. Comes and goes. I just came back from a weekend at my mom's beach place, where I was, miraculously, sleeping 8-9 hours a night. The past two I've woken at 4 in the morning. Sigh. I've found the best way to deal with it is to not really care, to accept I'll sometimes be more tired than I'd like, just like sometimes I'll get more sleep than I thought I would. It all evens out.

    Enjoy the upcoming dates!

  3. #43
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    I can feel myself being judged through the "Is this guy a player?" lens. Or if I'm meeting up with someone who "hates the whole app thing," and brings that kind of chatter into things early. If the price of admission is "proving" that I'm decent and not "a dog like all the others" I have no interest.

    Yeah I totally get this. I very much felt that I was being judged like that by Dianna and I think she probably saw the fact that I'm on a dating app and the text message thing as evidence that, yes, Ian is a player! She too told me that she'd been on 'so many online dates and really can't stand them' and that, at 37, she'd been single since she was 29. I think she initially found it refreshing that I asked her out after we'd met organically (which I don't think happens that much in 2019) but then, after learning that I was actually on a dating app myself, saw me as 'another of those blokes off the apps'.
    I'm obviously making a few assumptions and guesses here and of course, I could be wrong - I guess since she never got back to me, I'll never know for sure!

    nothing to judge either way. If she was in a place in life where she needed lots of cursory attention, or if other men were more enticing than me—all good. Meant we weren't to be. And vise versa

    That's the attitude that I'm working hard to maintain, having felt quite negative myself about the whole dating process in the past. Out of interest, do you think that attitude came naturally both to you and her? Had you both done a lot of online dating in the past but just managed not to fall into the trap of the 'so fed up with the apps' type of negative mindset?

    Regarding Sarah: I prefer not to think of things in a positive/negative binary mode, per the above, but to instead just keep remembering that someone is not right for you. Someone can be all sorts of terrific, but still not be right. Sarah is not right

    Yeah I can see the logic in that. I've found that with both J and Sarah, thinking of their positive traits can trigger the 'I miss them' emotions. Whereas thinking about their negative traits and some of the ways they behaved can stir up quite angry emotions. Yet neither of these emotions are helpful or positive, whereas the 'she isn't right for me' thought is more neutral and doesn't stir up strong damaging emotions.

    I've found the best way to deal with it is to not really care, to accept I'll sometimes be more tired than I'd like, just like sometimes I'll get more sleep than I thought I would. It all evens out.

    I'm most likely to not be able to sleep when I've got the 'I need to get to sleep' attitude usually because of something that 'I mustn't be tired' for the next day. But then that thought process is pressurising and makes me tense and therefore even more likely to not be able to sleep! I find, like you, that when I can adopt the 'oh well, if I'm tired, I'm tired' attitude, it helps take the tension away.

  4. #44
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    Dating is about judging of course - if you're looking for something long term you have to make judgments about whether the person is a good match. Being judgmental is different than that of course.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Out of interest, do you think that attitude came naturally both to you and her? Had you both done a lot of online dating in the past but just managed not to fall into the trap of the 'so fed up with the apps' type of negative mindset?
    Very naturally on both ends, I’d say.

    I don’t think it has much to do with online dating. I’d don’t it plenty, she less. Neither of us know much about the other’s experiences; it’s not something we’ve gone into. I could write a thesis on where our attitudes came from, but at the end of the day I think it’s just who we are, or where we were when we met. We both genuinely liked the lives we were living before meeting, didn’t panic when we looked in the mirror.

    Made it easy. It remains easy.

    We also just really liked each other—as individuals, not as missing pieces to our individuality. I had no interest in dating others basically after an hour with her, but didn’t much care, for the first month or so, whether she felt the same. Think she felt similarly about me. I also had no interest in defining things quickly, because that’s how I am. She’s similar. So when we talked about intentions, and what we wanted from life, it was more about each of us staying who we were, not testing the other, if that makes sense.

    Past all the obvious points of connection—physical, emotional, intellectual—I think we both put a high value on being able to be ourselves, alongside another. If that wasn’t possible nothing else really mattered. And learning that takes time, patience, and self-confidence. Somehow we offered the other enough confidence to explore those questions. I’d say that’s what we’re still doing. We’re very much “in it,” with all the big stuff expressed, but we’re not rushing to the finish line.

    There is a lot of self-work on both ends with us, and a mutual respect for that work. I benefit from hers, she from mine, but it’s not for each other, and remains ongoing. I think we both feel very lucky. But it doesn’t feel accidental. We’re not kids. We each lived a lot of life to find the other, and be ready for the other.

  7. #46
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    Yeah, that's cool. I think sometimes you can meet someone (male or female) and just really warm to them, just a natural thing.

    I had no interest in dating others basically after an hour with her, but didn’t much care, for the first month or so, whether she felt the same.

    This really surprises me though! I felt this way (that this is the girl I want to be with) after an hour or 2 with J (who I've mentioned a few times) and with another girl, Carrie, who I dated a decade ago. But it definitely mattered to be whether they felt the same - I find it hard to imagine being so into someone after an hour that I had no interest in anyone else, yet not being fussed whether they felt the same. Not for one second saying this is wrong though............just an insight into how people can have a very different mindset.

    Updates (Thursday 22nd August)

    Got a reply from Dianna today, 4 days after I texted her a bit of banter. It was one of the 'you're a really nice guy but........' messages. I hate these messages. I'd rather be a tw*t than a 'really nice guy but......'. But to be honest, I already knew from the fact it was 4 days since my text that this one was dead in the water so I kinda just shrugged my shoulders at the message.

    2nd date with Marie tonight. Unfortunately didn't go as well as I'd hoped and I think this one's done and dusted too. We went for a 2 hour walk with my dog up to the top of a hill with great views from the top. Good chit-chat all the way although I wouldn't say I felt any sort of amazing sparkly connection and there were a couple of times that I felt 'we've kind of run out of conversation here' before it reignited again on another topic. Nevertheless, I was enjoying her company and was attracted to her and so from my end, I was thinking 'yeah I'd like to see her again after today'.
    However, about 10 minutes from the end of the walk, I went to take her hand as we walked alongside each other and she kind of giggled and just said 'no, no'. At that point, I knew it was game over - I know that some girls are more reserved than others when it comes to physical contact but I do think that if someone's attracted to me, they'll happily take my hand by the end of the 2nd date.
    Hell, will most the girls I've dated in the past, we've slept together by the end of the 2nd or 3rd date, although I've recently become less bothered about quick physical escalation having read a lot and taken a lot of advice on these forums. I must admit though, I'm kind of wondering whether this new attitude has caused me to become a bit passive and just been chit-chatting away like a friend would. Rather than flirting, complimenting, the odd innuendo, being a bit touchy feely - the sort of thing that builds up a bit of sexual tension - the sort of thing that makes someone see you as a lover rather than 'a nice friend'. I think it's maybe a balancing act and that at times in the past I've been too far to the 'sexually aggressive' end of the scale whereas now I've maybe retreated too far to the 'passive nice guy' end.

    So anyway, back to Marie, we finished the date with a hug, a 'thanks enjoyed that but I'd better be getting going' and that was it. It's not been said as yet but I've got no doubt in my mind that a 'you're a really nice guy but.......' text will be heading my way tomorrow!

    I'm feeling a bit disappointed. I've always found in the past that 1st dates are the least likely to be successful (probably historically, only about 25% of my 1st dates have become 2nd dates). Whereas my 2nd dates have almost always led to 3rd dates. So at the start of this week, with 2nd dates with Dianna and Marie lined up, 2 girls I was attracted to, I would've been very surprised if someone had said that neither would lead to a 3rd date.

    Anyway, such is life! Dating next few days:

    Sara (who I had a drink lined up with tomorrow night) has cancelled. Says she has to work now.
    Coffee with Nic Saturday morning.
    Another Bumble girl, Claire, has suggested a coffee this weekend too. Just sorting out the details at the mo.

  8. #47
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    Updates (Saturday 24th and Sunday 25th August)

    Had a coffee date with Nic yesterday afternoon. Had a nice chat and I enjoyed her company, although I think she might be a bit too quiet for me. I'll give it a 2nd date if she will though, it wasn't a 'definitely not' from my perspective, more of a 'not sure just yet'. We've exchanged a few messages throughout the day today and I've just suggested a 2nd meet and waiting on a reply - will see what she says, although I won't be too upset if it's a no.

    So anyway, away from Nic, things are drying up a little. I've got another coffee date (with Claire) tomorrow afternoon and hopefully a 1st date with Sara to reschedule (although I'm not overly convinced she isn't going to just disappear now after cancelling the drink we'd planned for Friday).
    But my Bumble matches have totally dried up - I'm literally getting no new ones at all and I think I must have exhausted the vast majority of the active Bumble girls in my age range and vicinity. I get the impression that Bumble shows you the active users first (hence why I got a flock of matches early on) and so I'm now probably just swiping on girls who haven't been on Bumble for weeks / months.

    So I'm kind of pondering what to do. I'm well aware that dating is a numbers game and that it might take 15 / 20 /30 dates to meet someone who I really click with and who also likes me back. But to get those numbers of dates, I have to be getting the matches! I might set up Tinder again (I used it in the past, then deleted it) and start sending messages on Pof (I've a Pof profile but have barely used it for a while) although to be honest, I don't enjoy Tinder or Pof nearly as much as Bumble. I've enjoyed Bumble the past few weeks mainly because the premise that the women have to message first means that the majority of my matches are leading to conversations with a good number of these then leading to dates. Whereas in the past, I've found that sending 10 messages on Tinder / Pof only to get maybe 1 or 2 replies (some of which might be one word responses) quickly sapped away my enthusiasm!

  9. #48
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    Well, you don't have to have a girlfriend NOW!!!, right?

    Quality over quantity. And quality over some arbitrary time frame. The right woman will be worth the effort.

  10. #49
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    Well, you don't have to have a girlfriend NOW!!!, right?

    No I don't, and I think that's partly why I'm contemplating whether I'm prepared to invest a lot of time into Tinder and Pof.

    Quality over quantity

    I kind of simultaneously agree and disagree with this when it comes to dating! I am of course looking for quality but I feel like to give yourself the best chance to find the quality, you have to go through the quantity! I've read posts from more than one member on here saying that they went on 80 / 90 / 100 1st dates before they met the person who became their spouse / long-term partner.

    I think, in all honesty, I'll probably get Tinder set up tomorrow, but find a way to get the opening messages fired out efficiently rather than in a time-consuming way.

  11. #50
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    I met over 100 men in person and many more "blind dates" - I dated one guy who met his spouse after 400 dates and I know he wasn't exaggerating.

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