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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #21
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    Updates (Monday 12th & Tuesday 13th August)

    No further dates these past 2 days. In the process of getting 2nd dates set up with both Dianna and Marie. Dianna is becoming quite flirty in her messages and she asked to see me tomorrow, but it's tomorrow I'm going away. Marie is more low-key but I think that's more just her style rather than an indication of low interest.

    I've also had a bit of a flurry of new matches and conversations on Bumble. It just goes to show the peaks and the troughs – I got loads in the first 2 or 3 days after I joined, then it went quiet for a while and now it's picked up again. I guess the key is to remain on an even keel throughout the ups and the downs.

    One thing I have started doing with online dating (that I wasn't doing a few months ago) is to really cut to the chase. Few decent messages then suggest a date. A couple of times, I've had a non-committal response (e.g. “hmmm maybe”) at which point I'm putting the ball firmly in their court (I say 'I'm a “let's meet and see if we get on” sorta guy, not a “let's send messages for weeks” sorta guy. Here's my number, just drop us a text or a whatsapp if you fancy fixing up a drink') and then leave them to it. Yeah it's ended a couple of conversations but I feel like I'm no longer wasting time with girls who want nothing more than to be text buddies.

    Off to a festival these next 3 days so might not update this thread again til the weekend.

  2. #22
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    Update (Saturday 17th August)

    Back from the festival. I've got 2 dates lined up for tomorrow afternoon: firstly, a 1st date coffee with Nic (girl from Bumble I've been chatting to past few days) followed by a 2nd date dog walk with Dianna (Polish girl I originally met at the group hike).
    Looking forward to both. One thing I'm starting to think about is how open to be about the whole multi-dating thing. The 2 dates I've got tomorrow both live about 30-40 miles away from me, but fairly close to each other. So I'm doing one straight after the other to save 2 lots of travelling and I've told Nic that I'm happy to come to her area for coffee as 'I'm in the area anyway tomorrow afternoon'. And this has got me thinking of a hypothetical conversation that could happen with Nic:

    Her: 'so what are you doing round here this afternoon?'
    Me: 'I'm taking my dog for a walk round xxxx place, it's really nice there'
    Her: 'Ah I love it there. Are you just going with the dog or anyone else?'
    Me: 'I'm meeting a friend who lives round here'
    Her 'Ah cool, who's your friend? How do you know them'

    And then I either be honest say that it's a girl I met a couple of weeks ago and it's kind of a date. Or I make up a little white lie.

    I'm kind of a bit uncomfortable with either answer. By answering honestly, that I'm going straight from one date to another, the perception could easily be 'he's a player, I bet he's got 10 different women on the go'. But equally, I hate telling lies and then having to remember what lies I've told to whom!

    I'm also wondering about this dilemma in a general case (not just with these 2 girls tomorrow). My big dating weakness (as identified in my previous thread) is getting too attached too early, which is one of the main reasons why I'm multi-dating (I do definitely find hat multi-dating in the early stages does help me become less needy and more chilled about the whole dating process).
    But say if things continue to go well with say a couple of girls and I end up having a 6th date with Girl A on a Wednesday followed by a 6th date with Girl B on a Thursday. And Girl A asks me what I'm up to on the Thursday night, while Girl B asks me what I'm up to on the Wednesday night. Do I be completely honest i.e. "I'm on a date with someone else"? Or say what I'm doing "I'm watching xxx film" and hope she doesn't ask who I'm doing it with?

    Interested in any thoughts! I know from the view count that there's a good few people reading this thread so any thoughts or opinions would be welcome :-)

  3. #23
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    The way I saw it the plans I had were not their business. So if asked I would just refer to a "friend." I dated as many people as I was interested in until exclusivity. I didn't have casual sex though. I did this because marriage was my goal and I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket too soon. When I dated it was assumed you weren't exclusive until you discussed it and I never asked what the guy's plans were when he wasn't with me -wasn't my business or concern. I typically became exclusive with someone after about 6-8 weeks of dating.

  4. #24
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    Batya, thanks for your input. I do like the answer of 'I'm doing xyz with a friend' as it avoids lying (which I hate). But how did you answer the 'who's your friend?' question if they asked that? Did you tell them to mind their own business or did you answer honestly?

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  6. #25
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    Why are you expecting to be interrogated?

    Also, why worry so much about something that probably won't even happen?

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Batya, thanks for your input. I do like the answer of 'I'm doing xyz with a friend' as it avoids lying (which I hate). But how did you answer the 'who's your friend?' question if they asked that? Did you tell them to mind their own business or did you answer honestly?
    "Why do you ask?" Also honestly if someone I didn't know well asked me that I would feel uncomfortable continuing to get to know the person -that's way too prying for my taste. Or you can say "oh just someone I happen to know I'm sure you don't know the person. More coffee?" You never have to answer a question in order to be "honest". It's just as honest to decline to answer. I met up with a new friend for lunch the other day -almost like a first meet in a way since we'd "met" online. One of the first things she told me was "I'm not eating because I have stomach issues, but please go ahead". I am a curious person and of course cared also that she might not feel well but I also knew I didn't want to pry. So I asked her if I could pick up a water for her when I went to get my lunch and she declined. I ate and later she shared with me what the issue was. I don't think I asked a follow up question at all -if I did it was nothing like prying -she shared with me when she felt comfortable. "Normal" people understand social manners and typical boundaries and won't ask about what specific things you're doing in your personal time especially when you don't volunteer.

  8. #27
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    Why are you expecting to be interrogated?

    Tbh I don't see those type of questions as 'interrogations' once I get to know someone a bit. Thinking back to the last girl I dated for any length of time (J who I mentioned a few posts ago), we would regularly ask each other what we were doing and with whom. Neither of us were interrogating the other and it never felt like any kind of invasion of privacy, it was just part of our normal chit-chat. At the time, I wasn't seeing anybody else (although we hadn't actually had the exclusive conversation) and so I never felt like I had to consider my answers.

    "Why do you ask?" Also honestly if someone I didn't know well asked me that I would feel uncomfortable continuing to get to know the person -that's way too prying for my taste. Or you can say "oh just someone I happen to know I'm sure you don't know the person. More coffee?"

    Yeah I get what you're saying here. I think for this to work for me, I'd probably have to be a bit less open in general than I was with J. As mentioned above, when me and her were dating, we'd regularly talk about what we were up to and who with. I'd tend to say something like 'me and John went to the pub last night and I've been for a game of tennis with Ben this morning' and she'd say similar things: 'I went to see Charly's new flat etc etc'. We'd name reference who were doing things with without being prompted or asked. So I think if either of us had said 'with a friend' followed by 'oh just someone I happen to know' if asked who, the immediate response from the other straight away would've been 'You've got another date haven't you?' We'd have noticed the difference because we were normally so open with each other.

    Updates (Sunday 18th August)

    Didn't meet Nic in the end. She messaged me 15 minutes before we were due to meet saying she'd had a bump in her car in a supermarket car park and was waiting for the recovery vehicle. I've no reason to doubt this was a genuine cancellation (she sent me a photo of her car with its front wheel in a right mess) and asked if we could reschedule for next weekend.

    Had 2nd date with Dianna. We went for a coffee and then took my dog for a walk through the woods and round a lake. I'm liking Dianna a lot (she's a lovely looking girl and we vibe well together) but I'm really unsure how she's thinking about me. She wouldn't hold hands during the walk, the kiss at the end was just cheek to cheek and when I suggested doing something else another day, her response was 'hmmmm. Let me have a think'. I can tell its either 1 of 2 possibilities, either:

    a) she isn't really interested
    or
    b) she likes me quite a lot but suspects I'm a bit of a player and is therefore taking things very slow and deliberately keeping me guessing.

    The reason I say what I said in b) is that more than once today, she made reference to my dating. She asked me how Bumble's going and, when I had to stop for a minute to reply to a text (to a friend as it happens), she asked me (half-jokingly) whether I was sorting out my date for tonight. There's a bit of an imbalance with Dianna in that I'm on a dating app and she isn't (I met her organically). Anyway, I'll drop her a message tomorrow and suggest a 3rd date activity - I'm sure her response will tell me whether it's a or b!

  9. #28
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    Why did you have to respond to a text while you were on a date ? Was it an emergency ? I’m not surprised she asked about the text. She probably figured if you’re that easily distracted by a text and you stop to respond you’re probably not that into her and probably planning your next date. Certainly if you told her in advance you might be getting an urgent text that’s fine. Otherwise I’d really wonder why you were on a date with me.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Why did you have to respond to a text while you were on a date ? Was it an emergency ? I’m not surprised she asked about the text. She probably figured if you’re that easily distracted by a text and you stop to respond you’re probably not that into her and probably planning your next date. Certainly if you told her in advance you might be getting an urgent text that’s fine. Otherwise I’d really wonder why you were on a date with me.
    I agree. Unless you absolutely, positively HAD to respond to that text immediately there was no need to respond right away.

    When I'm out with someone (date or friend) and they step away from me to take a call or respond to a text it better be their child or their mom or dad because otherwise it's just plain rude.

    It couldn't have waited an hour or two?

  11. #30
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    It wasn't massively urgent, no. She just asked me what time it was. I took out my phone to check, saw that I had a text, took 10 seconds to respond to it (it was a 1 sentence response) and then put the phone back into my bag.

    I was with her for 3 hours this afternoon and the 10 seconds I took to respond to that text was the only time I used my phone throughout the duration of the date. To be honest, if the roles had been reversed and she had used her phone once for 10 seconds during a 3 hour date, it wouldn't have bothered me at all and I wouldn't have drawn any conclusions from it such as 'she's responded to a text message, therefore she's clearly not into you'. I'd have considered that to be an over-reaction.

    But then this is the whole purpose of this journal, to gain fresh and outside perspectives. Maybe I'm guilty of automatically assuming that because something wouldn't bother me, it also wouldn't bother somebody else. Whereas the fact that there's the two of you saying that you both would find it rude and that you would consider it a sign of a lack of interest perhaps suggests that I am wrong and that I shouldn't assume that my standards are also somebody else's standards.

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