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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #231
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    Way back I did a paid site for all the bells and whistles. I also used Eharmony once for free and had a really odd experience (someone in my field saw my profile, saw my real first name,was able to narrow down to two women with my first name in our field/geographic location -the other one was married which left me -so we met and turns out of course we knew people in common -interesting story and he acted like a jerk so sayonara).

    Anyway others had good experiences on Eharmony. And other paid sites but I am not sure if the pandemic would throw a wrench in it right now.

  2. #232
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    My sis met her husband on eHarmony 10 years ago. Her time was just running out....he was just getting on.
    I tried during a free week or something. NOTHING. My sis is 6.5 years younger than me. Her hubs is my age. My twin bro met a woman on Match. He was almost 60, she was 33 with young children. When I got on eHarmony I didn't WANT a man 10 years older than me. You couldn't pick an age group. Plus, there was no one around me. I think eHarmony is about dead....

  3. #233
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    Thanks both for your thoughts.

    I thought I'd come back and write an update on the past couple of months. The last week has been quite interesting, as, firstly, I've made a big realisation about what's been going wrong for me with dating. But then secondly, I've had some massive frustration that left me feeling really really low last night, although I'm not quite so bad today.

    So since I last posted, I've had maybe 10 new first meets / dates (whatever we want to call them). None of them have led to a 2nd meet and the first few were, to be blunt, pretty bland, the stereotypical 'no connection' dates. Then a week ago, I read something online that hugely resonated with me. It's a blog by a guy called Nick Notas (a dating and confidence coach) and it was a blog post about the 'no connection' thing. He said that a big reason for many people have so many no connection / no spark dates is that they 'wear a mask'. They keep the conversation surface level and kind of just exchange facts rather than delving deeper and asking more intimate, thought-provoking questions.

    So I read this and I thought 'that is exactly what I've been doing. I've been keeping my guard up. Whereas the real me (the me that my best friends see) is the interesting fun curious person who digs deeper etc'.

    So anyway since making this realisation a week or so ago, I've had 3 new first meets and the conversations have been through the roof so much better. I've felt like I've really been getting to know the women I've been out with and there's been a great natural flow to the conversations.

    However......

    On 2 of these 3 meets, I've still experienced the problem that I've been having huge issues with for a while - that of going from good first date to actually getting a 2nd date. I'll describe what happened on each occasion:

    The first date was last Monday with Sasha. We'd been for a morning walk in a nature reserve, got on great and at the end I suggested going to a pub for lunch, to which she agreed. So we went to set off but my van wouldn't start. So then we had an hour of hassle getting jump leads etc (unsuccessfully) before eventually I had to phone for a recovery truck. I suggested to her that we leave it for today but go for food another day, to which she replied that she wasn't feeling it so much and maybe best to leave it. I think as much as anything, the hour's stress had taken away the fun vibe we'd had initially.

    The 2nd date (and this is the real frustrating one for me) was Saturday. I met Irene and we had a totally amazing date. Everything about it was fantastic and it was so obvious there was chemistry and mutual attraction. At the end, we began kissing in the street before, after about 5 minutes, it dawned on me that we shouldn't be doing that at the moment (we weren't exactly over a metre apart). I felt bad that I'd broken the rules but to be fair, it was my first indiscretion in 6 months since the whole Covid thing kicked off (I'd not kissed anyone since I was seeing Heather in March pre-lockdown). Anyway, we agreed to meet again next Friday to go for a hike after work early evening and parted on those terms. So the following evening (last night), I messaged her to sort out the details. She replied (and this was totally bizarre given how the previous evening had gone) that she had had a think and realised that she had felt no romantic connection, before then immediately blocking me.

    This left me feeling really low and totally frustrated – I think I shouted 'how many f****** times is this going to happen!' and chucked my phone as hard as I could into the mattress. I mention this spur of the moment reaction mainly as an indicator of how frustrated this has made me. I feel like I can take a rejection and I can accept the occasional person who I've liked changing their mind between the 1st date and the 2nd as just 'something that happens with online dating'. But what has definitely got to me is how regularly this has happened – I honestly think that it must be 6 or 7 times consecutively when I've had what I felt was a really good first date, that they've bailed on the 2nd.

    I've been trying to think whether there's anything I've been doing that has caused this to happen so regularly. The only thing I can think of is that I've become kind of desperate to get over that 1st-2nd date hurdle and that this has come across when I've suggested the 2nd date. Ie I might have come across as desperate to nail down a 2nd date and it's this that has made them change their minds. Any thoughts welcome!

  4. #234
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    Also, I forgot to mention the 3rd date. We had a really good chat but I just realised she wasn't for me.

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  6. #235
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Nice to see you again, if not under the most optimal circumstances.

    My first, and foremost, thought is: ugh! And, all in all, I'm not sure these frustrating moments require more analysis than that. As 2020 has shown us all, sometimes life can deliver an avalanche of ughs. And right when we think the avalanche has abated, another is triggered.

    But speaking of that big picture? Well, I suppose I can't help but think it might play into the smaller picture of some of these moments. Bottom line is that even the sanest of human beings are, at this juncture in history, probably less sane than usual, less sane than they even know. Which is to say that something inherently kind of insane—dating, i.e. trying to genuinely connect with people we don't know—is going to be even more peculiar and bizarre than it is at the best, sanest, most stable of times.

    Sasha, Irene—especially Irene? I guess, in your shoes, I'd just see it as that. Craziness during crazy times, if unfortunately the sort of craziness that leaves a bruise. Future dating sociologists, I suspect, will mark 2020 as a year in which the success rate of dating was at its lowest in a century. I simply couldn't imagine trying to make those sorts ends meet, these days, and applaud your efforts. Don't get too down.

  7. #236
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    I can't relate to your expectations and why you're terming it "rejection." Many first meets do not lead to a real first date whether there is kissing or not. For many reasons or no reasons at all. I don't agree at all with that blogger you mentioned - small talk can lead to big talk with certain people, small talk can be awesome for a first meet and leave certain people wanting more -people are individuals. What is most important is not how deep or open you are but your approachability and vibe - in person -how you treat waitstaff, whether you make good eye contact, how you refer to the people in your life (on one first meet when I asked what his parents did he said "my mother did nothing." So I said "she raised you" and he said "nothing she did nothing."; another guy spoke to the waiter in spanish assuming he was hispanic while waving his butter knife in the air as -well -he needed a new one -another told me his coworkers were dumb. and another asked me why I'd chosen the career I did - because as RBG said about her meeting her future husband "he cared that I had a brain" -that was the guy I eventually married 13 years and approximately 5 months later - we met at work, I did not know our lunch date was supposed to be a real date).

    Please stop reading these non-expert biased self help -so called -blogs. Show up, look nice, be nice, show up with an open reasonable mindset, with the expectation that you'll have a pleasant conversation with a stranger. The end.

    It's not rejection after a first meet with a stranger unless there is something very specific you did to offend. Like I got rejected in 1992 by a blind date. Want to know why? Glad you asked. My friend set us up. I casually mentioned to a co-intern who I was meeting -he said "wait...... my wife just interviewed him!!!" So we thought -in our 20 something cluelessness -that it would be fun to get a copy of his resume. I did -and learned really interesting things about him -all good! So I casually brought this up at our dinner. And confessed the small world connection and meant it all to be funny and fun. He was offended. (duh). My friend who set us up wanted me to know that he later met his future wife and bought her a huge diamond ring on Valentines Day when he proposed. Didn't bother me at all. But yes- he rejected me because I lacked common sense. That's an outlier - personal rejection after a first meet is extremely rare. Not feeling a romantic connection is not rejecting you at all!

  8. #237
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    Sasha, Irene—especially Irene? I guess, in your shoes, I'd just see it as that. Craziness during crazy times, if unfortunately the sort of craziness that leaves a bruise. Future dating sociologists, I suspect, will mark 2020 as a year in which the success rate of dating was at its lowest in a century. I simply couldn't imagine trying to make those sorts ends meet, these days, and applaud your efforts. Don't get too down.

    Thanks Bluecastle, yeah that's more or less what I've been telling myself since, that it is just one of those crazy things and that I shouldn't let it affect me too badly. It's the accumulation that's got me down I think, the great first meet followed by the 'no romantic connection' text time and time again, not just on this occasion.

  9. #238
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    Not feeling a romantic connection is not rejecting you at all!

    Thanks, that's a more positive way of looking at it.

    your approachability and vibe - in person -how you treat waitstaff, whether you make good eye contact, how you refer to the people in your life

    Definitely agree these things are important! I couldn't agree with your assessment of Nick Notas though. Have you read much of his work? Or are you just saying you disagree based on my description?

  10. #239
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Not feeling a romantic connection is not rejecting you at all!

    Thanks, that's a more positive way of looking at it.

    your approachability and vibe - in person -how you treat waitstaff, whether you make good eye contact, how you refer to the people in your life

    Definitely agree these things are important! I couldn't agree with your assessment of Nick Notas though. Have you read much of his work? Or are you just saying you disagree based on my description?
    To me it's not positive or negative. It's factual. I didn't try to rationalize when I dated. I accepted when someone was just not that into me. I accepted rejection. I accepted that what could sting like rejection wasn't personal rejection. For example - twice now I've chatted at length with two women around my age also moms -we had mutual friends. I was seeking out new platonic friends (not just with other moms but they were). In both cases we had looooonggg intense conversations. In both cases each one suggested a specific day to get together. In each case I said yes. In each case the ball was in their court to confirm and they didn't. Both women have whined on facebook about how hard it is to meet people and make new women friends. So should I feel personally rejected? I'm still in touch with both of them. (and this type of thing happened with a few other women too). Should I assume I was personally rejected? It sure feels that way. But when I look at how they post, what they discuss, their perspectives I realize - well, no, it's really about them. It's really about how they might protest how badly they want new friends but they're not willing to be reliable, to follow through, to put in the effort to meet. That's on them. Is that rationalizing? Or simply choosing to react to my feelings by looking at it from the perspective of how someone who never met me flaked on plans - and yet complains about not being able to make friends. Rationalizing by contrast would be "ok so she didn't find me interesting because I went on and on about myself so she didn't choose to meet me but I'll just tell myself it's her loss because she could have given me another chance" (hypothetically, not what happened).
    I disagree based on the part you described. I would shy away from reading that kind of thing other than for entertainment value. But that's just me!

  11. #240
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    I agree with you re those 2 women - it's about them, rather than about you. I guess the question is do you think you'd still be able to see it that way if 10 or 12 other women also chose never to meet up with you. Or would you start to think 'is it something with me, given that it's happening with such a large number of people?'. That's kind of how I've been thinking re the women I've dated not wanting a 2nd meet: I could see it as being on them if it happened 2 or 3 times but when it happens the 10th time, it's very difficult not to question yourself!

    I'd be interested to know what you think of Nick Notas' work if you ever get 15 minutes spare to have a read. I agree with you that there are a lot of 'online dating gurus' who spout a load of rubbish but I don't think he's one of them. It's the same with this forum. I read things on here sometimes and think 'that's terrible advice'. Yet I read other things and think 'that is really really good, he or she has totally hit the nail on the head'. For me, saying 'don't take any notice of any online dating coaches' is just the same as someone saying 'don't take any notice of people on Enotalone'. But there's really good advice and really terrible advice in both and I think a big part of learning (in any field, not just dating) is to learn to filter out what's good advice for you and what's not.

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