Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 20 of 23 FirstFirst ... 17181920212223 LastLast
Results 191 to 200 of 223

Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #191
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,592
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Thanks I agree with pretty much all of that. And I know that when you get involved in this kind of online flirting, it can be very frivolous. To be honest, I normally don't - it's more that there's a hell of a lot of hours in the day to kill when you can't leave the house, so a fun interaction is a nice way to pass some time.

    Something I would say though is that I do need more than 'hot', I need someone I can also have a really good interaction with. This I think is why I found the ending so strange - our interaction had been very enjoyable aside from the sexual flirting. We'd also been chatting about hiking, dogs, running, Scrabble etc etc. I'd kind of expect that kind of block delete type behaviour from someone who I'd had nothing more than a naughty chat with but not someone with whom I'd had a really good general interaction.
    Nothing wrong with sexting/sexual flirting but your interaction had nothing to do with dating or being rejected by someone you are dating (or even trying to date in the future) -have fun with the flirting -it sounds great -but just sayin' it's not dating or trying to date

  2. #192
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    152
    Perhaps part of what stings from an exchange like that is that it kind of highlights some aspects of yourself that you don't totally love living with: a heightened thirst level, let's call it

    trying to extract something like depth from pretty shallow waters, and it's that—the shallowness, once revealed—that stings. Again, that's not judgement. I can see myself, in past lives, enjoying a little back and forth like that, as I've enjoyed them: makeouts in bars, two heat-seekers colliding, and so on. Key is to not pretend it's anything but that, until it proves itself to be, which is almost never

    Dating, for you, was important, understandably so: you want to find the special someone, and you've been putting in a lot of sincere energy toward making that happen. Now a pause button has been pressed on that, globally. So very hard. It will pass, however, so try to use this time to continue with the good habits that keep directing you toward that thing you want


    Yeah, good analysis, I'd be inclined to agree on all 3 of these points.

    Maybe redirect some of that energy elsewhere? Asking a friend how they're doing, or going down some wormholes on a site like this and listening to other people reckon with their lives, offering some advice or support? You're a good writer, perceptive, and you may find some reward in that.

    Yeah. I'm not too bad in terms of things to keep me occupied. I'm lucky enough that the sun's out and I've got a decent garden so I've been spending 5 or 6 hours a day on garden projects and I've also got 1 or 2 hour's work most days. I guess it's more evening onwards that I start to get bored and therefore more susceptible to the attentions of flirtatious Tinder ladies. What are you doing to fill the time by the way with having no work?

    Re other threads on here: I do read them and I have occasionally given my thoughts in the past. I often think 'what would my advice be?' but then see that numerous other people have already advised exactly what I would have anyway so then I tend not to bother. For example, literally just now I was reading the 'I want my boyfriend to pay all the rent in our flat' thread and was about to comment before I saw that my opinion (you should pay your half) had already been voiced by probably 10 or 15 other people. I might start giving my thoughts a bit more though, that's not a bad idea.

  3. #193
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,468
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I guess it's more evening onwards that I start to get bored and therefore more susceptible to the attentions of flirtatious Tinder ladies.
    And, hey, no shame in that. Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use, which I don't partake in, but have very liberal views about. Want to smoke a joint to get a little loopy? All good, so long as you don't mistake the high for anything but, you know, being high. And if chasing that loopy high becomes a bit consuming—well, always worth asking if there's another place to get loopy that doesn't throw you for too much of a loop.

    Whether you're doing a quick selfie exchange bordering on sexting, or deconstructing Heidegger's existentialism, if it's happening on your phone's screen with someone you swiped right on an hour earlier it's just kind of fluff. Two people killing time, getting a buzz on. Might evolve into something more—the rarest, rarest of possibilities—but is more likely bound to fade out. Like, well, being a little high.

    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    What are you doing to fill the time by the way with having no work?
    Oh, I'm kind of primed for this. A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for. The running joke among my friends who do the same thing is that millions of people are learning what it feels like to do what we do. So I'm doing plenty of that, while coming on here to blow off of steam by wrestling with the steam of others. It's an addiction I've deemed a healthy one, more like coffee than the illicit stuff. Away from here? I am reading a lot.

    I live half the week with a child, and while that child is not mine, and has two incredible parents, there is always something on that front. For me it often means doing what I can to make the work of motherhood a bit easier for my girlfriend, and I take great joy in that. It also devours time, so win-win for everyone.

  4. #194
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    152
    Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use

    I'd agree, the text flirting with strangers does have a lot of similarities with using a drug - it's fun while it lasts, it takes you away from reality for a while but it doesn't achieve anything and can leave you feeling a bit rubbish afterwards! I'm cutting back a bit on Tinder for now - it's hard to motivate myself to keep messaging when there's no prospect of a meet for so long. It feels like playing poker 'not for money, just for fun' - I need the money to keep me genuinely interested in a poker game, and I need the prospect of a date to keep me genuinely interested in swapping Tinder messages. Myself and Heather are getting on well too. We've been texting regularly and chatted on the phone for an hour this evening.

    A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for.

    I reckon you're a writer of some sort, which would make sense from how well-written your messages are on here! I reckon you might be a TV scriptwriter, something like that

  5.  

  6. #195
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,592
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Perspective, though, is key. It's like drug use

    I'd agree, the text flirting with strangers does have a lot of similarities with using a drug - it's fun while it lasts, it takes you away from reality for a while but it doesn't achieve anything and can leave you feeling a bit rubbish afterwards! I'm cutting back a bit on Tinder for now - it's hard to motivate myself to keep messaging when there's no prospect of a meet for so long. It feels like playing poker 'not for money, just for fun' - I need the money to keep me genuinely interested in a poker game, and I need the prospect of a date to keep me genuinely interested in swapping Tinder messages. Myself and Heather are getting on well too. We've been texting regularly and chatted on the phone for an hour this evening.

    A lot of my work is staring at walls and thinking, and every so often cobbling something together from those thoughts that people give me money for.

    I reckon you're a writer of some sort, which would make sense from how well-written your messages are on here! I reckon you might be a TV scriptwriter, something like that
    That all sounds like good insight and good strategy!

  7. #196
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,468
    Gender
    Male
    Great attitude.

    I'm a believer that a really critical place to get in life is a place where the hot sauce—flirtation, attention, that zing—isn't always needed to enjoy the meal of day to day living. Took some overdosing on the hot sauce for me to get to to that belief, I admit. Anyhow, this could be a good time to just let that stuff go for a bit and make room for...well, for something different. Will likely make for a slightly different mode of connectivity—with a Heather, or with a whomever when the time is right.

    Your reckoning might just be right! I do a little of this, a little of that, but all of it involves playing with words, at least when I'm not staring at walls, which is actually most of it. Good training for sitting in edgy solitude, that's for sure.

  8. #197
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    152
    I'm a believer that a really critical place to get in life is a place where the hot sauce—flirtation, attention, that zing—isn't always needed to enjoy the meal of day to day living.

    Yeah I would agree with that. I guess in a way it's the difference between being content and being bored when there's nothing going on and no messages pinging in to your phone.

    Updates from the past couple of days: been having good chats with a couple of girls Tricia and Charlotte. Me and Charlotte had an online scrabble 'date' this evening, which was good fun! Still chatting with Heather although a bit quieter past couple of days, as she's been very tired with work and some problems with her dog.

    Bizarrely, this evening, I got a response from Sam. Sam is the girl I had an amazing date with 3 weeks ago who I then texted the following day and she never replied until tonight (3 whole weeks later!) Her replies this evening made no mention of the 2nd date that I'd suggested and just laughed at the funny video that I'd also sent and asked how I was getting on.

    I must admit, this really made me think - why the bl**dy hell has she suddenly decided she wants to reconnect? I had a quick look at her Facebook (we're not Facebook friends but her privacy settings are low) to see if there were any clues - I found out that yesterday was her birthday and that she's off work ill possibly with low-level Coronavirus, same as me (I've had it myself but only low-level). I'm struggling though to see her illness as a good reason not to have messaged me back - she'd posted a couple of other things on Facebook in the intervening 3 weeks and my view is that if she's been well enough to post on Facebook, then she's also been well enough to reply to me.

    I would in a way like there to be a really good genuine forgivable reason why she's taken 3 weeks to get back to me - the date we had was unbelievably good with really electric chemistry and attraction. But she's also shown me such unreliability and, as I mentioned at the very start of this journal, going for unreliable women (albeit with very high attraction and chemistry) has led me to very bad places in the past!

  9. #198
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    4,468
    Gender
    Male
    I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

    Here we are, after all, discussing how texting with semi-strangers can serve as a salve: to boredom, to longing, to thirst, to a very strange and scary time on planet earth. Would it not make sense that Sam, housebound during an uncertain moment, would explore such avenues in much the way you are? A rightward swipe here, a check-in with a right swipe from a few weeks back there?

    I don't really think there's any need for a "good genuine forgivable" reason to explain it. What's to forgive, after all? She didn't stand you up. She just kind of faded, flaked, as people do. If you want to see what's what with letting her fade back in—well, that's a choice you can make, or not. If in your mind it already adds up to rewarding unreliability and potentially repeating past journeys to "very bad places" then it might be prudent to let it go, since through that lens Sam is already being seen as "potential mistake" rather than "person" in your mind.

  10. #199
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    51,592
    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

    Here we are, after all, discussing how texting with semi-strangers can serve as a salve: to boredom, to longing, to thirst, to a very strange and scary time on planet earth. Would it not make sense that Sam, housebound during an uncertain moment, would explore such avenues in much the way you are? A rightward swipe here, a check-in with a right swipe from a few weeks back there?

    I don't really think there's any need for a "good genuine forgivable" reason to explain it. What's to forgive, after all? She didn't stand you up. She just kind of faded, flaked, as people do. If you want to see what's what with letting her fade back in—well, that's a choice you can make, or not. If in your mind it already adds up to rewarding unreliability and potentially repeating past journeys to "very bad places" then it might be prudent to let it go, since through that lens Sam is already being seen as "potential mistake" rather than "person" in your mind.
    Ian if it helps at all I've had a number of potential women friends do this - full of enthusiasm about meeting - two actually set a date, then MIA and resurfacing with no explanation about why they never followed up (yes, ball in their court to confirm). It's incredibly annoying. In one case I was foolish enough to help her hook up with a potential publisher - she was "appreciative' but had the gall to write to me a week later and ask me to follow up with the connection. Sigh. Too many times I've had women approach me through various facebook and nextdoor groups because they sooooo want to make new friends but then flake.

  11. #200
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    152
    I'm surprised, I admit, that you find Sam's reaching out to you, well, surprising.

    Yeah tbh it isn't really that surprising when you think about it. Home alone on her birthday, probably down in the dumps from being ill etc, as well as having those 'I don't have a boyfriend to share my birthday with' depressing thoughts that people can get, it is the sort of situation that can make people start seeking comfort in the attention of others. I do also think it's true that people do often resurface if you kinda stop caring and disappear (like I did with Sam).

    I've not texted her back though, I might do, I'm not sure yet. I do share Batya's opinion that it is rude to ignore a message (particularly as I asked her a question in my message: 'what's your schedule over the next week?' - ie it was a message that I would expect a response from).
    I am seeing this as a positive indicator of how far I've come in terms of not accepting shoddy standards in dating. In the past, I might have desperately followed up with another message after my first was ignored. Or I'd have been totally delighted that she'd got back in touch and sought to reconnect straight away.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •