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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #171
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I hope that, in time, you can come to feel exactly how you felt receiving that text whether or not you get that text.

    Guess I'm just saying that there are limitations to the primary gauge of success with women being that you can "attract" them. Not saying that to be a buzzkill or to negate this work you're doing, at all, but just to encourage you, if something like partnership is the goal, to be finding thrill in connection more than being a magnet of attraction.


    I agree. I would say I'm looking for both attraction and connection, they aren't mutually exclusive.
    But it is great (in any area of life, not just dating) when you see evidence of success in an area that you've previously struggled in but then put a lot of work into improving, and that's where I feel I am with attraction at the moment.
    Isn't it about just being more confident in yourself and showing that confident energy in all interactions including on dates?

  2. #172
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    Yes, there is a huge positive knock on effect in confidence that I've also been noticing in other, non-dating, interactions. This is a big part of the Youtube video series that I've been following.

  3. #173
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Best I can tell, you were doing pretty great prior to the YouTube videos. Lots of matches, lots of dates, many leading to enjoyable kisses, enjoyable sex—and, in the case of Ola, a little almost thing that petered out. Sure, there was some of the "nice guy, but..." stuff as well, and you're still single, but all in all? Your dating journal, at least to my eyes, has been a chronicle of someone with a lot more "success" than "failure."

    That's not to knock the videos, or the benefits, not one bit. But I'm just trying to encourage an outlook that creates confidence more than it coming through a series of behavioral adjustments that are validated by other people, with that validation boosting confidence. Because the "you're a nice guy, but..." stuff? It is coming for you, again, in one form or another. It is part of life, part of being in a relationship, and I think the confidence to not give it too much weight goes a long way.

  4. #174
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Yes, there is a huge positive knock on effect in confidence that I've also been noticing in other, non-dating, interactions. This is a big part of the Youtube video series that I've been following.
    So I read some parenting books/articles and I take tips from them, I watch Supernanny -but I try to avoid seeing any of them as be all end all solutions or focusing too intensely - so that I don't lose sight of common sense, of my background knowledge, etc. I am a little concerned about your level of focus on youtube videos that are targeted in a specific way and by non-professionals who are addressing the masses.

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  6. #175
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    an outlook that creates confidence more than it coming through a series of behavioral adjustments that are validated by other people, with that validation boosting confidence

    Yes I agree on this and this is something I feel I'm making good progress towards. My actual 'results' (if you could call it that) with women has unfortunately taken a nosedive since I posted in here last week but I still feel decent, I feel like I'm on the right track even though dating hasn't gone my way over the past week.

    Best I can tell, you were doing pretty great prior to the YouTube videos. Lots of matches, lots of dates, many leading to enjoyable kisses, enjoyable sex

    Thanks for the kind words. I partly agree with you on the above - I feel I was doing very well in the first 2 areas that you mentioned (I.e. getting a lot of matches and going on a lot of dates). I know these things are big sticking points for a lot of guys who do online dating but I don't find them a real problem. I've got a well-written profile with good photos and I'm engaging and chatty enough when exchanging messages for women to want to meet me. In writing this journal, I've barely made any mention of my profile itself or the messages I've been exchanging and this probably is a reflection of how comfortable I am with these areas.
    However, I don't feel that my dates overall have gone as well as I'd hoped (even with the expectation that I wouldn't hit it off with the majority of people I met) and I knew myself that I wasn't where I wanted to be in a few areas, irrespective of 'results'. And this is why I've actively been working on a few things (particularly around voice and tonality, paying compliments, flirting and teasing, general conversation skills etc) and I've made huge progress in these areas. Over the past couple of weeks, I've had some really great interactions with people, both male and female, that I wouldn't have had before and I can feel my confidence levels and chattiness growing, in spite of the knockbacks I've been experiencing with dating.
    I'm quite a big believer that inter-personal skills really can be worked on and improved. I get the impression, Bluecastle, that you're a bit different to me in this regard – I get the impression that you see this sort of self-improvement as being a little bit forced and not being yourself. One of my best friends is exactly the same but he's one of these people who's very naturally charismatic and so he's never had any need to 'work on' inter-personal skills. Would you say that you're like this too or have you ever had to work on inter-personal skills in this way?

    I try to avoid seeing any of them as be all end all solutions or focusing too intensely - so that I don't lose sight of common sense, of my background knowledge, etc. I am a little concerned about your level of focus on youtube videos that are targeted in a specific way and by non-professionals who are addressing the masses.

    Thanks for your concern. I definitely don't feel I'm regarding the videos I'm watching as the 'be all end all' nor do I feel like I'm losing sight of common sense and background knowledge. I've got no problem if you do think this though. One of the main things I've learnt when discussing anything with anyone (whether that be over the internet or in real life) is that we aren't always going to agree on everything. Sometimes you just have to say 'ok I take on-board and I appreciate your feedback but I know my own mind and I am happy with what I'm doing at the moment'.

  7. #176
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    I do self improvement work daily. I would not watch a youtube video for that unless it was recommended by a professional or someone I knew who was skilled in that area. For example I watch Supernanny for parenting tips as do a number of my friends. I read articles and books by certain professionals I trust. I used to love Dr. Joy Browne -RIP -and I like Oprah and Dr. Phil and Martha Beck. I think those videos you mention are a waste of time and I am really picky because I don't have a lot of free time. I also spend time talking with people I trust who have life experience I respect and admire -like my mother, my sister, certain close friends and family.

  8. #177
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    Ok a few updates (I've decided to just update this around once a week, as daily was becoming quite time consuming). I've had 7 first meets in the week or so since I last posted. The first 5 were all one and done's, the last 2 really excellent.

    First of all, I'll just give a bit more detail on what happened with Lena. It turned out there was also someone else on the scene. I messaged her the day after our meet and she replied really enthusiastically. I then texted her a question, which she only answered 3 days later, very apologetically saying she'd been seeing someone else and things had been going well. I must admit, I was pretty disconsolate. I felt on our 1st meet a better connection and attraction with Lena than I had had with anyone else in over 2 years, and I had been very hopeful that it might go somewhere. I got the impression that she must have had an on off thing going for quite a while (ie she hadn't met someone and become exclusive in the 4 days since we'd met!). I think that when we met, it must have been off, but then within a couple of days, it was back on again.
    Anyway, I dropped her a message just to leave the door potentially open for the future. I told her I'd liked her a lot when we'd met and that if she became single again in the future, to drop me a message and that, if I was single myself, it'd be great to meet up again. But that otherwise I wouldn't be in contact as I'm not into the whole 'let's be friends' thing. I think there's a possibility I'll hear from her again but we'll see.

    Anyway, 1st meets since:

    Fri 28th Feb: Jenny - very attractive blond Canadian girl. Had a fun date, we kissed a bit, told her at the end I'd like to see her again and she said she would too. Texted her the next day, never got a response and I saw she'd unmatched me on Tinder.

    Sat 29th Feb: Andrea. Very similar story to Jenny. I was more 50/50 on whether I'd see Andrea again, but anyway, I dropped her a text the following day and never got a response.

    Sun 1st Mar: Polish girl, I've forgotten her name. We'd done a lot of flirting via messages beforehand. Met and chatted for 45 mins, I was genuinely enjoying her company and then she suddenly said 'I'm so sorry, I don't feel the connection like we had on the messages' and that was more or less that.

    I resolved after this meet to cut down on the pre-date messaging - I'd moved back towards a lots of texting / false e-connection thing that I'd previously sworn away from, and this reminded me of how an e-connection does not necessarily translate to an in-person connection.

    Wed 4th March (morning): Ashleigh: we went for breakfast and a coffee. Ashleigh was nice but too old for me – she was 7 years older which, for me, isn't an issue if they look and act more my age, but that wasn't the case here - I definitely felt the age difference and there wasn't an attraction for me.

    Wed 4th March (evening): Jenny (not the same Jenny as above). Jenny and I were very obviously not a match. I wasn't very attracted to her in person and, although I don't think she was really a bad person, I found her a little bit snobby and I didn't particularly enjoy her company (she'd probably say similar about me to be fair!)

    At this point, I started to feel a bit worn out with the whole app dating thing. I realised that going on so many dates was starting to wear me out and making me neglect other areas of my life – I got home after this last date and realised that I had almost literally no food in the kitchen as I'd been so busy with Tinder that I'd not even got round to going shopping! In the week since, I've drastically cut down – ie a lot fewer Tinder chats ongoing simultaneously and giving myself time to do other things, which I'm starting to feel a lot better from.

    Sun 7th March: Heather: this was a really fun date! We went for a walk amongst the sand dunes (same place I met Helen a couple of weeks ago) then went into a local working man's club for a drink. In the pub, we were flirting a lot and then on the walk back through the sand dunes, we made out quite heavily. There was a lot of sexual chemistry between us (not at the start but from the pub onwards) and we're meeting again tonight, going for a Chinese. My only slight reservations with Heather is that she looked quite a bit older when make up free and I'd say she had a good body, but not an amazing body, which is what I normally go for. Having said that, there was certainly attraction and chemistry there and I'm looking forward to tonight.

    Tue 9th March: Sam: this was really awesome! Sam was stunningly attractive with an unbelievable body (ex-international track and field athlete) and seemed like a really lovely girl too, a bit shyer than you'd expect from looking at her. I was at times a bit nervous, partly because I felt I was playing in a totally different league to what I was used to. But my nervousness didn't seem to put Sam off. We made out several times throughout the date and then had an amazing intimate make-out session in the car park at the end. We've made plans for an activity for a 2nd date (but not when, I'll text her later to see what her schedule is) and I'm really looking forward to seeing Sam again.

  9. #178
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    I vote for Sam given your emphasis on looks/body type and wanting an "amazing" body as being important to you in feeling attracted to someone. It wouldn't be fair to Heather to settle for her and you wouldn't be doing any favors by trying to overlook that you think she looks older without makeup and lacks an amazing body.

  10. #179
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about Lena, but love the way you handled it. Shows an ability to not take it all personally, which is quite attractive and will do you plenty of favors—in dating, in an eventual relationship, in the general business of being cozy in your own skin.

    I also agree with Batya in regards to Sam and Heather. I don't think of myself as a shallow person, but I'll readily admit that certain surface-level parameters are important to me, and so I dated only inside those parameters. Did that limit my pool? Certainly. But it also meant that I never had to challenge myself to see if I could overlook something (like not finding someone knee-buckling attractive) in order to see about a connection. Knowing I would never want to be with a woman who was trying to "grow" to find me attractive, I didn't want to put a woman in that position, even if it was only in my mind.

  11. #180
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Sorry to hear about Lena, but love the way you handled it. Shows an ability to not take it all personally, which is quite attractive and will do you plenty of favors—in dating, in an eventual relationship, in the general business of being cozy in your own skin.

    I also agree with Batya in regards to Sam and Heather. I don't think of myself as a shallow person, but I'll readily admit that certain surface-level parameters are important to me, and so I dated only inside those parameters. Did that limit my pool? Certainly. But it also meant that I never had to challenge myself to see if I could overlook something (like not finding someone knee-buckling attractive) in order to see about a connection. Knowing I would never want to be with a woman who was trying to "grow" to find me attractive, I didn't want to put a woman in that position, even if it was only in my mind.
    I love stories about couples whose attraction grew over time -but not in a settling way at all. But for people with more specific requirements about what body types/physical features are attractive I agree as in Ian's case to let Heather go so she can find someone who wouldn't be doing her any favors or "trying" to be into her particular body type. I ended up being highly attracted to a very obese man - after a year of platonic acquaintanceship/friendship -one reason it worked was because it wasn't about him "growing on me" -we were purely friends- phone friends mostly- no flirting - until we met for dinner one night - all of a sudden I felt a spark. Then we met again and he called it a "date" - but by then I'd found myself -really surprisingly- thinking of him in a romantic way despite his obesity -I'd never before been attracted to someone overweight like that - in fact I'd declined setup dates with obese or very overweight men (I always was thin/slim, still am).

    I know of many women who won't date short men - which widened my date pool since I actually preferred shorter men (ironically, obese guy was well over 6 foot tall -again, out of type). So I get that there are people who have very specific requirements. OP -probably best then if you make sure your person you ultimately choose is dedicated to getting her figure back if she gets pregnant - I forgot if you want children. I did, my immediate family members did and I know many many women who did not for a number of reasons so if you are that specific just keep in mind about bodily changes like that.


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