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Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #161
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    I can see the harmful / not so great for us element in other scenarios but, being honest, I'm struggling to see it here.

    To use your analogy, is it harmful for someone to stuff their face with chocolate truffles between meals? Clearly yes, if they're trying to keep their weight down.

    Is it harmful for me to pursue women on Tinder who I know I'd never have any romantic interest in purely for the purpose of sex / cheap thrills? Probably, yes, it'd take my focus away from my main aim, which is to find a long term partner. Hence why I'm not doing that.

    But if me and Ola, on our 4th meet, are kissing on the sofa tomorrow night (which probably will happen, as she's coming round, we've got a film to watch) and she says to me 'come on, let's go upstairs, I'm dying for you to f**k me', why would it be harmful for me to go along with that?
    We like each other, we both want it - if I said to Ola 'no thanks, I'd rather refrain from sex for now', how would this benefit either of us?

  2. #162
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    I can see the harmful / not so great for us element in other scenarios but, being honest, I'm struggling to see it here.

    To use your analogy, is it harmful for someone to stuff their face with chocolate truffles between meals? Clearly yes, if they're trying to keep their weight down.

    Is it harmful for me to pursue women on Tinder who I know I'd never have any romantic interest in purely for the purpose of sex / cheap thrills? Probably, yes, it'd take my focus away from my main aim, which is to find a long term partner. Hence why I'm not doing that.

    But if me and Ola, on our 4th meet, are kissing on the sofa tomorrow night (which probably will happen, as she's coming round, we've got a film to watch) and she says to me 'come on, let's go upstairs, I'm dying for you to f**k me', why would it be harmful for me to go along with that?
    We like each other, we both want it - if I said to Ola 'no thanks, I'd rather refrain from sex for now', how would this benefit either of us?
    No not my point at all. I just don't really get your distinction about not responding to profiles looking for casual sex but being open to casual sex should someone you meet through a dating site want to have sex and you do too. You are comfortable with casual sex -to me the fact that you'd pass over a profile that only wanted a casual fling makes little difference since at the end of the day you are a person who will have casual sex if the opportunity arises so to speak.

    It's not harmful at all to have casual sex since you are a person who is comfortable having casual sex. Just the same as a person who would respond to a profile looking only for casual sex- I take it that you think that somehow your interest in casual sex is more limited since you also are looking for a serious relationship and therefore you limit your pursuit of casual sex to those women who also claim to want a serious relationship in their profiles. The truffle analogy to me meant that whether I went out and bought truffles vs. accepting the sample that was offered -end result was I still ate a truffle in a situation where I'm trying my best to avoid sweet treats between meals. I would not have told myself "well it's not like I went to the store to buy truffles -they were offered" On the other hand if my goal was "I'm not going to eat sweets between meals unless I'm at a store where they're offering free samples of sweets" I'd be acting true to myself. Just like you are explaining "I won't date someone who from the beginning says she only wants casual sex but if a woman offers sex before we are exclusive I'll take it."

    For my life I found huge benefits in not giving in to a desire for casual sex. First, my emotional health would have suffered had I given into that desire when I had it (and I had almost no interest in casual sex after my 20s or so). I would have risked STDs and pregnancy. And I would not have been acting true to my values or showing the man in question that I act consistently with my values.

    Your standard for choosing intercourse is "we like each other, we both want it". In that case sure saying no would be silly.

  3. #163
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    Batya, thanks for your thoughts and apologies for the slow response, had a busy time and took a break from posting.

    Anyway thought I'd get this journal going again. To update on the past 3 and a half months, I kept seeing Ola for about a month and a half but realised we weren't really right for each other in the end. We're still on good terms and in touch though.

    Over the past 6 to 8 weeks, I've been on maybe 9 or 10 Tinder dates, the majority of which have been 1 and done. However, over the past 2 to 3 weeks, I have made some positive changes (both to lifestyle and dating) which have then led (I believe led rather than coincided) to an upturn in fortune.



    So the changes:

    I've been making meeting people (particularly women) a bigger priority in my life. I realised that I had been putting too much time into my work and this was impeding my chances to meet people (e.g. choosing to work all day on a Saturday, when I could have gone out with the hiking group)

    I've been working hard on attraction techniques. I felt, from the number of “you're a really nice guy but” messages I was getting, that I just wasn't attracting women when meeting them in person. But I've recently found an excellent Youtube channel that I've been listening to when travelling day in day out. The content on there isn't so much seedy pickup tricks, but more stuff on making yourself just genuinely more attractive to women – conversation techniques, paying compliments, speech tonality, texting, flirting, mindset when dealing with knockbacks. It's stuff that I feel I can apply myself while still being me (ie not being unnatural).



    So recent positive results:

    I had a 1st date with a girl, Jill, last week, that led to a 2nd date weekend just gone. She came to my house and we ended up making out. I realised after that 2nd date that she's probably not right for me and so I don't plan to suggest a 3rd date. But at the same time, having had my confidence knocked by so many “really nice guy but” messages, this really helped.

    I went out with the hiking group on Saturday and met a stunning girl, Claire, who I had the courage to ask out at the end of the day. This really took her by surprise (she said “wow I don't know what to say, you've really put me on the spot!”) but then said “yes that'd be nice”. We've been texting to arrange although it's proving a little tricky (not sure if she's having 2nd thoughts or not, we'll see).

    I had a 1st date this morning with a girl Lena, from Tinder, that went like a dream. I'd describe it as the best 1st date I've had since I met J back in August 2017. We took my dog for a walk, then went for a pub lunch and a drink. She's stunningly attractive, exactly my type both looks and personality and I felt we really hit if off. We made out at the end of the date.


    Moving forward, I've got another 1st Tinder date arranged tomorrow morning with a girl called Helen (who also looks really attractive in her photos). I get the impression that she might be a bit too straight-laced for me but we'll see – I've done enough app dating to know that someone can be totally different in person to what you expect, both good and bad.

  4. #164
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Ian! Good to hear from you, and even better to hear you're doing well out there in the world. This Lena person sounds promising. Did you guys make plans to see each other again? On that note, I'm curious: Do you find, after a fantastic date with one person, that you lose excitement about meeting another, like Helen?

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  6. #165
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    Do you have any particular feelings in general about whether making out with someone on a first meet is a good way to approach dating for you? Maybe it is -just curious -and maybe you don't have any particular feelings about but just react in the moment.

  7. #166
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    Hiya BC, cheers for the message! How's everything going with you?

    This Lena person sounds promising. Did you guys make plans to see each other again?

    No, I should have! Will text her later today though. If we have as good a connection as I thought we had, I'd hope she'd want to see me again anyway.

    I'm curious: Do you find, after a fantastic date with one person, that you lose excitement about meeting another, like Helen?

    I actually quite like that situation. I've found that when I'm dating, if I'm getting a whole succession of first meets not going the way I'd hoped, they can become quite dispiriting and pressurised. Whereas a 1st meet straight after a great 1st meet with someone else kinda feels like a free shot and helps me feel more relaxed. My first date with J in 2017 was actually the day after I'd had a really good 1st date with someone else. I remember going to my date with J thinking 'I kinda hope this doesn't go well because if it does, it could end up being awkward'. I do feel that this mindset really took the pressure off and, as it was, I was blown away with her and crazy about her by the end of the date (which obviously isn't the ideal thing, but you get my drift).
    I've also done enough app dating to know that people can be fickle and that things can change very easily and that a great 1st date doesn't always lead to it going places and so I'm wary about putting all my eggs in 1 basket after only 1 date.

    This morning's date with Helen was a really interesting one. We met fairly early morning (she was a cop, which I didn't actually know and on duty at midday) and took my dog for a walk in the sand dunes by the beach for an hour / hour and a quarter. She was attractive and it was enjoyable and I felt we had a good vibe and interaction without feeling the huge sparks that I felt with Lena yesterday. I came away from it thinking, 'hmmmm maybe I'll give it a 2nd shot, I'll see' which is still my thinking now. However, a half hour after we'd parted, I got a message from her. I opened the message expecting to see the phrase 'really nice guy but........' maybe partly because I've become accustomed to getting these. However, the message said all the normal stuff of 'thanks for coming to meet me, it was lovely to meet you etc etc' but the 'really nice guy but........' wasn't there and instead it was a compliment on my eyes: 'much nicer than in your pictures!'
    The reason I say this was really interesting is because, reading between the lines of the message, she was attracted to me. Yet I'm in no doubt that had we met 3 or 4 weeks ago, it would've been a 'nice guy but' message. It shows to me how much the attraction work I've been putting in is working which is a great realisation to have!

  8. #167
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    Do you have any particular feelings in general about whether making out with someone on a first meet is a good way to approach dating for you?

    Hiya Batya. I go with the vibe. I guess it all depends on the situation on whether it feels right. I definitely don't feel that kissing on a 1st date is harmful to future prospects though.

  9. #168
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    The reason I say this was really interesting is because, reading between the lines of the message, she was attracted to me. Yet I'm in no doubt that had we met 3 or 4 weeks ago, it would've been a 'nice guy but' message. It shows to me how much the attraction work I've been putting in is working which is a great realisation to have!
    All is well on this end.

    I highlighted the above because, in reading that, I have two thoughts. First one: right on, buddy! Second one: I hope that, in time, you can come to feel exactly how you felt receiving that text whether or not you get that text.

    Guess I'm just saying that there are limitations to the primary gauge of success with women being that you can "attract" them. Not saying that to be a buzzkill or to negate this work you're doing, at all, but just to encourage you, if something like partnership is the goal, to be finding thrill in connection more than being a magnet of attraction.

  10. #169
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    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Do you have any particular feelings in general about whether making out with someone on a first meet is a good way to approach dating for you?

    Hiya Batya. I go with the vibe. I guess it all depends on the situation on whether it feels right. I definitely don't feel that kissing on a 1st date is harmful to future prospects though.
    Here's what I find interesting - and I'm referring to more intimate making out than just a kiss - with that you go with the vibe but as far as coming across as desirable instead of passive (meaning "nice") you study and implement tips, tricks, strategies. Not a judgment or criticism at all -an observation.

  11. #170
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    I hope that, in time, you can come to feel exactly how you felt receiving that text whether or not you get that text.

    Guess I'm just saying that there are limitations to the primary gauge of success with women being that you can "attract" them. Not saying that to be a buzzkill or to negate this work you're doing, at all, but just to encourage you, if something like partnership is the goal, to be finding thrill in connection more than being a magnet of attraction.


    I agree. I would say I'm looking for both attraction and connection, they aren't mutually exclusive.
    But it is great (in any area of life, not just dating) when you see evidence of success in an area that you've previously struggled in but then put a lot of work into improving, and that's where I feel I am with attraction at the moment.

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