Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 16 of 17 FirstFirst ... 1314151617 LastLast
Results 151 to 160 of 162

Thread: Project Dating!

  1. #151
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Thanks both.

    If it helps at all I had a few of those about faces situations when I dated

    Did you ever get a sense of why that was? I'm quite curious what makes people change their mind like that.

    Two hot dates, then the nebulous "bad timing" text

    I HATE those sort of texts. I can tell it's one of them from the first few words of the message even before opening it fully. As soon as I see 'Hi Ian', or 'I've been thinking', I know it's going to be one of them!

    Both your attitude and radar sound pretty refined

    Cheers, I feel like I've managed the disappointment of these 2 the past week really well, much more so than I would've done in the past. I feel like I've kind of just brushed them off and am back on the horse ready to meet someone else, which wouldn't have been the case in the past. I've got another first meet lined up for Tuesday with a girl called Catrin, we're going to take our dogs for a walk in the daytime. Catrin keeps sending me voice messages in reply to Whatsapp messages, which is slightly weirding me out, though she does have a nice voice! Maybe it's just a sign of the times (i.e. most people Whatsapp message rather than call or leave Voicemail messages these days) that I find this slightly weird!

  2. #152
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,667
    A sense - no because to me it's all up for grabs in the early stages of dating. Anything can happen and you're still basically strangers. I just never have the expectation of another date if there's no time place plan for another date. If not the date I was on (was, stopped dating in 2005) was the last one -from a realistic not a negative perspective. So I didn't really give it thought.

  3. #153
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Yeah I get that there's no rules etc in the early stages. I just find the sudden change of heart hard to rationalise as it's not something that I ever get myself - I can't recall ever ending a 1st meet by saying to someone 'yeah I'd love to see you again and I'm free next weekend', but then changing my mind a day or 2 later. If I feel that way at the end of the meet, I feel exactly the same a day or 2 later.

    This isn't something I'm really dwelling on or worrying about by the way, it's more just something that I'm curious about - why do people get these sudden change of hearts between 1st and 2nd meets, and why do I never get them myself?

  4. #154
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,667
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Yeah I get that there's no rules etc in the early stages. I just find the sudden change of heart hard to rationalise as it's not something that I ever get myself - I can't recall ever ending a 1st meet by saying to someone 'yeah I'd love to see you again and I'm free next weekend', but then changing my mind a day or 2 later. If I feel that way at the end of the meet, I feel exactly the same a day or 2 later.

    This isn't something I'm really dwelling on or worrying about by the way, it's more just something that I'm curious about - why do people get these sudden change of hearts between 1st and 2nd meets, and why do I never get them myself?
    Because it's often not a change of heart - it's not that deep. As my dear friend who passed away young 15 years ago used to tell me "you know you can sneeze the wrong way and it's all over". Many times a man expressed with great enthusiasm how much he wanted to see me again and I would respond with interest. Then silence. But it was like a blip on the radar for me because without a time and place the words were sweet and meaningless to me. So here's a laundry list - the person reflects on the conversation and realizes she missed something you said that is a potential dealbreaker, or tells a friend what you said who advises her of the same, she has a first meet the next night and decides he is actually "the one' and she has no interest in following up with anyone else, her ex contacts her, etc. You're assuming it's about "feelings" -maybe yes, maybe no.

    Why do you not change your mind? I don't know -maybe you're always up for another go even if you're on the fence/lukewarm (I was).

    It's not about "no rules" at all. It's about expectations.

    I'll give you another example -and this has now happened several times. I am trying to meet new people still - through Facebook, friends of friends, etc- not dating but as close to dating as you can get because I'm also setting up first meets, etc. There's a woman S who I spoke with on the phone for 2 hours several months ago- never done that before -we totally clicked and then the whole back and forth about getting together started -well not back and forth -she had this and that come up, etc. She stopped responding to my texts so I stopped texting after once or twice.

    She got back in touch recently and all of a sudden wrote that she can do this Tuesday or Friday. So last week I responded "so far I can do Friday". She didn't read my message or respond till today. I told her that I still have Friday open and will try to keep it open till she finds out her work schedule. All these details for this point -she was very very enthusiastic about meeting in words. Her actions tell me that she's not willing to put in the effort to meet and coordinate schedules. So yes I'll meet her if I'm still free but I'm underwhelmed with her actions. This is one example of many - women who are all over the "wow I really want to make new friends here/meet new people -can't wait to meet you!!!!" But the actions don't back it up.

    This is similar to what you're going through - she might be a person who throws around "yes I would love to!!" but when push comes to shove she realizes that she's not willing to put in the effort to make the time to plan a date with you. Or maybe she realized it a second after she gushed her interest because she blurts things out without thinking about the other person. I don't do that. If I want to make a plan I express sincere interest and I do the necessary follow up ASAP. Sometimes right then if possible. If I'm not sure I express it in a tentative way because I don't want to take up the person's time. If someone says to me- which happened at an event last week "yes, link in with me and we'll grab lunch sometime" -I smile and know it aint never going to happen even if she "felt" interested when she said it.

    It's frustrating. Sometimes I too take a break from my "first meets" because it takes so much time and is aggravating.

  5.  

  6. #155
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    This is similar to what you're going through - she might be a person who throws around "yes I would love to!!" but when push comes to shove she realizes that she's not willing to put in the effort to make the time to plan a date with you. Or maybe she realized it a second after she gushed her interest because she blurts things out without thinking about the other person. I don't do that.

    Yeah I'd agree with the above. Sounds like you're similar to me in that if you say 'I'd like to meet you again' you mean it, it's not just a rhetorical phrase.

    Updates (Mon 21st & Tue 22nd October)

    Had a 1st meet with Catrin yesterday. This was a 1 and done. To be honest, I could tell it was going to be as soon as I saw her, as she was probably 2 to 3 stone overweight (and as I've mentioned before, I just can't find overweight women attractive).
    We went for a bit of a hike up a hill and both took our dogs, and it was a pleasant enough hour and a half and nice to experience a new walk in a new area (I'm finding this to be one of the side benefits of dating, as I make the effort to go to places that I wouldn't bother to go to if I wasn't meeting someone else). But it was clear we weren't a match, even without the weight issue she was very much a career person and talked very seriously about her job for long periods, while also being a bit dismissive I felt about my work (which is a bit unconventional). I guess this is just a compatibility thing rather than a criticism of Catrin Catrin's match would be a man who isn't bothered about her being overweight and who is also a serious career person. Whereas my match would be someone who's in great shape and is open minded enough about work to appreciate what I do.
    I've taken away something from this though (as well as a couple of previous meets) and that's to be more certain if someone's in good shape before we meet. I'm finding that if this is unclear from their profile (e.g. Catrin's profile was 4 face shots and a full body pic taken from quite a distance in which it was hard to tell), they're generally not.

    One thing I have done this afternoon by the way is taken a bit of time out to reflect on how my dating has gone since I started this journal 2 and a half months ago.
    In terms of numbers, I've had the following:

    20 arranged 1st meets
    4 of these never took place (each time, they cancelled and didn't reschedule)
    16 actual first meets
    13 of these 16 were '1 and dones'
    3 of these 16 went as far as a 2nd meet
    0 of the 16 went further than a 4th meet

    So in terms of the numbers, I haven't achieved yet what I set out to achieve, which is to find a partner. However, I feel like I'm doing well and in a good place with dating overall. I've got a sharper focus than I've had in the past over the sort of person I'm looking, I'm being efficient (ie meeting people quickly rather than getting bogged down in weeks long message exchanging) and I've got a positive enough mindset to brush off the disappointments and go again. I feel like I'm potentially not far away from meeting someone who's really right for me.

    In terms of the next few days, I've got a coffee meet arranged tomorrow with a girl called Claire. I'd suggested we go for a nice walk somewhere but Claire was of the opinion that 'a 1st date with a stranger should just be a coffee to see if you like each other'. I don't particularly mind either way myself so we're going for a coffee.
    Then Friday and Saturday, I've got 2 more 1st meets agreed but not arranged as yet. Will try to get the details fixed up this evening.

  7. #156
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Updates (Wed 23th October - Fri 1st November)

    Ok, haven't updated this in a while but got a few updates. Had 2 first meets over the past week or so, both of which have ended up being one and dones. The first was a week ago, a coffee with Claire (who I mentioned in my last post - I'd suggested we go for a walk but she'd said that a 1st meet with a stranger should just be a coffee).
    I quite liked Claire, both personally and looks wise but it was one of those where, although I liked her, it all felt far too platonic. Like I wanted there to be flirting and chemistry with her but there wasn't.
    The second was a couple of days ago, a walk in the forest with a girl called Laura and both my dog and hers. Laura was a nice person and physically attractive but I could tell early on that we weren't right for each other. Conversation, although we kept it going for the whole hour and a half, didn't feel that natural and it was one of those where it was fairly clear that neither of us were going to follow up for a 2nd meet.

    However, I have got 3 promising meets lined up for the next week.

    The first is tomorrow afternoon with Ola. I met Ola last week on a group hike and we got on really well. In contrast to the Tinder meets I've described above, there was chemistry between me and Ola. I'm looking forward to seeing her tomorrow - we're taking my dog for a walk in the forest.

    The second is Sunday afternoon with Anna. I've been chatting to Anna on Tinder for probably a month but she's been abroad for 2 or 3 weeks and only got back this week. She seems nice and she's a national league volleyball player, which I find really attractive - as I've mentioned before, my type is very much sporty athletic women.

    The third is next Friday with Laura, again from Tinder. We had a chat on Skype today - she'd suggested a phone call, I'd told her I'm really not keen on phone calls (I find them incredibly awkward in terms of having chit chat with a stranger) but suggested Skype instead. I liked how Laura looked on Skype and the conversation was nice and she was easy to chat to. So that's made me look forward to meeting her in person.

    I've not started any new Tinder chats over the past week or so - I'd struggle to fit any more than 3 first meets into my schedule this week anyway.

  8. #157
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Updates (Sat 2nd Nov - Tue 12th Nov)

    Updates over the past week and a half: I've had a 2nd and a 3rd meet with Ola. On the 2nd, we took my dog for a walk in the forest then went for food. On the 3rd, we played squash, then went for food and drinks. They've been enjoyable and we've made out quite heavily, although things haven't become sexual just yet. I'm not 100% sure just yet if it's going to be a long lasting thing - as I've mentioned previously, I have a tendency after 2 or 3 dates to unfavourably compare how I feel about someone with how I've felt at a similar stage with women in the past. But I am enjoying seeing Ola, so I'm just going with the flow for now, see how it goes.

    I've also had a first meet with Anna, which I think is going to be a 1 and done unfortunately, as I was attracted to her. I was quite nervous when we first met (I can get like that sometimes) which I think came across and possibly put her off. I suggested a 2nd meet a couple of days ago but haven't heard back.

    The third meet I had lined up last time I posted (with Laura, who I had a Skype chat with), she bailed. Too busy to date at the moment.

    In general, I've been very lazy with the Tinder messages last couple of weeks. I made an effort this morning to send out a few first messages. I get that someone could say 'why don't you just concentrate on Ola, rather than messaging new women?'. But I think it helps me make a sound judgement about how much I like someone if I've got other options around in the early stages. Whereas if there was no-one else in the pipeline, I might think 'I'll keep seeing this person because I've got no other options', which is obviously not a great reason!

  9. #158
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,667
    Glad you are enjoying seeing Ola! Would you be interested in being sexual with her before knowing whether it was going to be a long lasting thing?

  10. #159
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Thankyou. And yes I would.

    My 'position' on casual sex is that I'm not actively seeking it - e.g. when using the apps, I'm only swiping on women with who I could see relationship potential (e.g. women who sound like they've got their heads together, we share common interests etc). Women who look the 'up for a s**g' type / very revealing photos etc, I'm swiping left on.
    But at the same time, if I'm dating / seeing someone, I'm not at all against having sex while in the 'let's see how things go' stage, even though that's not my primary intention.

  11. #160
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50,667
    Originally Posted by Ian4996
    Thankyou. And yes I would.

    My 'position' on casual sex is that I'm not actively seeking it - e.g. when using the apps, I'm only swiping on women with who I could see relationship potential (e.g. women who sound like they've got their heads together, we share common interests etc). Women who look the 'up for a s**g' type / very revealing photos etc, I'm swiping left on.
    But at the same time, if I'm dating / seeing someone, I'm not at all against having sex while in the 'let's see how things go' stage, even though that's not my primary intention.
    So basically while you won't initiate contact with someone looking for a casual sex partner you will have casual sex with someone who you meet who wants to have sex with you. I see that it matters to you that it's not your "primary intention" - kind of like when I went to a grocery store today -my primary intention was just to buy milk (and yes a cupcake for tomorrow since my son is missing out on free cupcakes tomorrow at our apartment building) but when I saw someone offering free orange truffles as samples I consumed one even though my goal is not to eat any sweets between meals (luckily this is one of the very rare times I've made this exception since early August). So to me, I ate the truffle even though it's not my typical goal or habit - but the "even though" is irrelevant since at the end of the day I chose to eat the truffle, the end. The process preceding the truffle consumption doesn't matter to me other than it gives me more information about what might trigger me to go against my primary intention. Certainly your approach -and mine -mean that we'll indulge in the "not so great for us" activity/food less often than if our primary intention was to seek out sex/truffles in the first instance. But for my life, the fact that I chose not to keep to my goal is what matters, not "why" or "at least I didn't go to the store intending to sample a truffle. It's your journal and I hope my perspective was at least food for thought lol.

Page 16 of 17 FirstFirst ... 1314151617 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •