Coping with being unloved by parents/how can I move on from this...getting over

[rchubn]

I never really got along with my mom, I always got the impression she deals with me because she was obligated to, now that I'm adult she has no interest in me, she deals with me when she feels like it. She doesn't allow me to visit her and she doesn't visit me. My childhood was similar.

She's always preferred my sister more and has always had more tolerance for her. I wasn't a bad kid, I've never gotten in trouble at school but for some reason I was the child she threatened to put out, I was the child that would get ignored whenever I did something wrong and the only child she used physical discipline with.


I lived life knowing I could be easily discarded. I normally gravitated towards my grandmother because she showed me that "unconditional" parent love.

Then she died.

I grieved but now I'm starting to realize that I don't have that bond anymore. I don't have any older women to look up to or provide me with the warm motherly stuff.

My mother has been very open with her dislike towards me. She's told me she doesn't like me plenty of times. I'm not interested in therapy because I don't think it's worth it.

You can't teach motherly love, its either there at birth or not there at all.

How can I cope with this?

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your pain, rchubn.

Do you have friends who have mothers? I have some lonely friends from past and current pain and my mother took them under her wing. She is nurturing them, we do things together, she's very wise and caring. She is the mother figure my friends never had. We bake cookies together, she gives great advice and she's the type of mother everyone would want.

I don't know if you're religious or not, however, my church has a lot of motherly mentors in so many ministries and groups which are very comforting.

There are community groups with a lot of mothers who are very motherly.

Whenever I've felt lonely and unloved, I volunteered a lot. I helped in soup kitchens, fed the homeless every month, worked at a food bank, gave manicures to elderly women in nursing homes and stepped outside myself. There's always people worse off than I am. Whenever I help others, I count my blessings and suddenly feel grateful for everything that I do have in my life such as good health, for example.

It's a great big world out there and people need you. You will find empathetic types out there. Look for the helpers and join. You won't be lonely anymore.

[Billie28]

Who died? Your mother or grandmother?

[rchubn]

Who died? Your mother or grandmother?

Grandmother

[Billie28]

Grandmother

Your thread title says parents yet you haven’t mentioned your father?

Why not?

[melancholy123]

My mother never loved me, she was clear in her love for my brother over me. She felt females had no worth or value, and she didnt value herself either, which I attribute to her upbringing. I was the one who got hit when I did something wrong, I avoided her like the plague. My brother could do no wrong. She gave a pretense of caring about me, to others, but to me it was obvious I should have been a boy as they were desirable children. I left home at 18 because of her, I couldn't handle it anymore.

It took me a long time to find myself and learn to value myself, and I think I'm pretty well adjusted now. My dad was a great man but no match for mother's negative views.

Do your best to surround yourself with caring, loving people of all ages. They dont need to be mother figures but people who genuinely care for and about you. As you grow and mature and become your authentic self, you will blossom. Dont dismiss therapy, it can be very valuable.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with melancholy123. Surround yourself with very moral people. They don't necessarily have to be mother figures either.

Keep in mind though, it's a two way street and you'll have to contribute to new friendships and be there for them, too. You'll need to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships which is a lot of work. If you want less work, then certain people will only remain as mere acquaintances at best.

I have a few very close friends. We're there for each other and also help each other during emergencies. For example, if there's a birth, death, financial hardship, trauma, when life's been turned upside down or in upheaval, post-surgery, poor health or for whatever reason, I bring dinner to them such as homemade or takeout. My friend does the same for me. Not that you have to help others to this extent, however, we help each other during times of need.

Close knit friends can be like family depending on how much time, energy and resources you're willing to invest.