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Thread: Emotionally Unavailable Woman Seeks Help and Comes Back?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like she simply agreed because she wants to move on. Sorry. She doesn't need your characterizations or support for therapy. Stop trying to fix or change her. Get to therapy for yourself and try to sort out why you are chasing her trying to fix and change her and insinuate that she is sick.

    Have you considered that your 'diagnosing' her as defective, emotionally unavailable, etc and implying she needs therapy is reason enough for her to end things?
    I agree..........

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by onground1
    Thanks for all of your responses. After a month apart, we got together to talk about our breakup. It was at this time that I shared with her all of my thoughts on her being emotionally unavailable and what traits she has that pointed me to this conclusion. She agreed with all the points I presented. We left it at if she is willing to go to therapy I would support her. As of now, nothing has happened and we are in NC. My question to the forum is for any experiences where the person acknowledged their issues of emotional unavailability, unable to attach etc. and sought help.
    It is highly relevant that you spoke to her about her issues; a classic pairing. Look within yourself for ways you might (subconsciously?) choose an avoidant partner. It is often a choice one makes to avoid emotional risk to oneself.

  3. #13
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    Thank for all of your responses. However, my original post was to simply ask if anyone ever had a positive experience with someone who was emotionally unavailable, they sought help and the relationship was able to recover. If anyone has any experience with this, please post.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by onground1
    However, my original post was to simply ask if anyone ever had a positive experience with someone who was emotionally unavailable, they sought help and the relationship was able to recover. If anyone has any experience with this, please post.
    Personally, I have no experience with this. But I have a friend—two friends, even—who might fit this bill. Short version of both is basically the same: they dated for a while, but the dude, in both cases, was a bit unavailable, stunted. Classic story. They broke up, both people did some work, they got back together. Both those couples are now married, with two kids. Great marriages.

    The part you won't like? The gap, in both cases, between breaking up and getting back together is about 5-7 years. So it's not a story of one person realizing they've got some issues, heading to therapy, fixing those issues, and then returning a few months later to the person who has been frozen in waiting. No, it's the story of letting go, moving forward, and working through all that not only on therapist's couches but on the big couch of life: living, loving others, and so on, and then reconnecting in ways no one saw coming.

    Take that as you will. To me—and I love these friends and find their relationships super inspiring—the moral of the story is that you only see what's next by letting go of what was. Maybe it's a person from your past, from a new angle that works. Maybe it's a new person that works in a way something or someone from your past didn't. But to press pause on yourself waiting for a narrative in your head to be actualized in reality—well, I don't think it works that way.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If she doesn't want to change nothing will happen. Accept that you're incompatible. Perhaps she's only "emotionally unavailable" with you because this wasn't meant to be and she had her doubts.
    Originally Posted by onground1
    someone who was emotionally unavailable, they sought help and the relationship was able to recover.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by onground1
    Has anyone ever had a partner who was emotionally unavailable and sought help (therapy) and successfully came back into a relationship that lasted? My partner of over 4 years broke up with me and to help understand and try to heal, I evaluated our relationship and discovered she had many of the traits of being emotionally unavailable. I'm just wondering if there are are success stories out there or is this just something too difficult to overcome.
    I think you're hurt and you're trying to cling to a reason to stay with her or rekindle what you had, almost like wanting her but not wanting her as she is. You want her to be something else. It's a bit fictitious at best and very manipulative and destructive at worst. The best thing you can do for yourself is be more present and aware of yourself, your own shortcomings, be aware of your goals and what you wish to achieve in life. You shouldn't be attempting to mold or transform anyone especially after a break up.

    Having said all this you may be hard-pressed to find someone in this situation. Most people wouldn't dare do that to someone else because of the general understanding that it's wrong to influence anyone into thinking there's something so wrong with the other person that they need help changing their attitude after a break up. I also think 'emotionally unavailable' could also mean she's just not into you at all or you kind of freak her out (you don't do anything for her or she's trying hard to have nothing to do with you).

    The only thing you should be overcoming at this point is that the relationship is completely over. Try not to do the breadcrumbing thing: searching for breadcrumbs and hanging onto what's not there anymore. Let go and start fresh.

    Give yourself a chance to breathe too and figure out what went wrong with you on your end and what you contributed that might have caused the breakdown in trust, communication and connection between the both of you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    "Emotionally unavailable" is not a diagnosis or treatable condition. It may mean she has more boundaries than you would like or that she was losing interest or just not that into you or started shutting you out.. If she does not feel distress she is not going to get treatment for anything..
    Originally Posted by onground1
    someone who was emotionally unavailable, they sought help

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