Please help - BF(34/M) acting depressed and pushing me (34/F) away

[diamond99]

As the title says. We've been together for 4 months and have both expressed how happy we are together and how lucky we feel to have found each other. Things are very easy and relaxed between us and we have great chemistry.

He works a physical job and is exhausted by the end of every day. He moved here from another country which is quite culturally different and he doesn't have many friends here. He also lives in share accommodation the equivalent size of a walk in closet. He's been drinking a lot of his own after work and smoking weed to help him sleep.

The last 1-2 weeks I've noticed his behaviour change quite dramatically and he's basically fallen off the face of the planet. Last time we spoke I felt like I was talking to the depression and it was saying all these things that simply are not true. I actually feel like he is trying to convince himself that our relationship is bad. He's told me a couple of times that he's in bad mental shape and that he's feeling sad, and I have been bending over backwards for him. Now he seems to want to end the relationship because he's unhappy. Last week he was declaring his love for me to my family at the dinner table!

I'm just really confused and I'm so worried about him and I don't know what to do. He doesn't really have much support to fall back on. Any ideas?

[Billie28]

It’s only been a few months and red flags have been raised.
So time to leave.

His declaration of love for you to your family was him pretending everything is great , when it clearly wasn’t.

The only fact you do know is that he WANTS to end the relationship.
So respect that.

The fact that he has not much “support” to fall back on , is not your responsibility. That’s his.

He can still talk to family and friends at home, workmates etc

Sorry, you need to let go , after a few months , you are not his carer and he won’t want you to act like one.

[Gary Snyder]

To be a good catch a person should have a good attitude and be sane.

[Andrina]

The honeymoon stage has ended. You're seeing the real him now. Why do you want to continue on with someone who has substance abuse problems? That should be a dealbreaker for any self-respecting woman. A person who you have to bend over backwards for sounds painful. How about ending it with sad sack so you can joyfully walk hand-in-hand with your back straight with a happy person who has his &^%$ together.

120 days ago, he survived without you. He'll once again survive solo. Your rescuing mentality needs to be tossed for your own good.

[bluecastle]

What the others are saying.

I think it's really important to remember that the early days of a relationship—the first 6 months, say—are about observing a person, and how you are with a person, in order to decide whether or not there is something to commit to long term, something that can be sustained through your connection rather than by "bending over backwards." Better to break up than to bend, especially early, since any relationship that "works" only because you "bend over backwards" is probably not a relationship you want to be in.

Sorry you're going through this. But the fact of the matter is that most all adults are stressed, work hard jobs, are dealing with difficulties. Some can handle all that with grace, and make a relationship work. Others cannot, and they tend to either sabotage relationships or find people who will coddle them and enable them and "support" them as they stay rutted in their stress. That's a lose-lose. Let this go, I say, so you can find a winner.

[Wiseman2]

After 4 mos, be glad you can cut your losses. He has coworkers and roommates. It sounds like he has way too many problems for you to fix and change. Try not to rescue men. Was he looking to be sponsored or move in with you?

-We've been together for 4 months
-we have great chemistry.
-He also lives in share accommodation the equivalent size of a walk in closet.
-He's been drinking a lot of his own after work and smoking weed to help him sleep.
-Now he seems to want to end the relationship because he's unhappy.

[Hollyj]

Yes. Find a better bf. He sounds like a loser.