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Thread: I'm too stupid to push emotionally abusive ex away for good?

  1. #1
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    I'm too stupid to push emotionally abusive ex away for good?

    I got out of this toxic relationship months ago. I was dumped out of the blue during a really rough time in my life with little explanation and no room to understand why or how. Dumped and instantly blocked. And then months later my ex would text me out of the blue just to see if I was still pining over him or whenever he needs emotional support.

    I was dumb enough to give it to him because I thought it being kind would remind him what he fell in love with before and I still cared about him but each time I would build him up and he'd be out the door again.

    I felt emotionally and spiritually pillaged after every encounter. He had taken the emotional support he needed and once he was whole I was discarded.

    I have to literally remind myself almost 6 times a everyday why he's not worth my time, why I should be glad he's gone.

    Now he's trying to do it again, he text me asking how I was and something is making me want to respond.

    A wishful part of me is like "what if he really loves me and he realized dumping was a mistake." But I know deep down he's only doing it because he wants someone to dump his sh*t on.

    This relationship was emotionally abusive and I'm struggling to heal my self and push forward. I was isolated from friends and family and I'm trying to rebuild my life but he keeps coming back and everytime he comes back, I let him in and he takes what he needs from me.

    How do I stop myself from this cycle? I didn't respond to the message. I don't know how to respond.

  2. #2
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    EDIT: I also keep thinking "what if he needs me" like what if he actually needs support in his life and then I start feeling guilty for ignoring someone in need.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He sounds like an emotional vampire. Of course you've heard of delete and block, etc but what is the reason you haven't done so yet?

    After a toxic situation a few session with a therapist to reset things could be helpful. Also get to the doctor for a physical and to rule out any mood or other issues that could keep sucking you back into this.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. He sounds like an emotional vampire. Of course you've heard of delete and block, etc but what is the reason you haven't done so yet?

    After a toxic situation a few session with a therapist to reset things could be helpful. Also get to the doctor for a physical and to rule out any mood or other issues that could keep sucking you back into this.
    He had blocked me orginally but unblocked me a few weeks before he decided to hit me up for support.

    We had another go around of him using me to make himself feel better but I made it clearly I was unhappy with it and our last words weren't pleasant, I assumed he wouldn't bother talking to me again after that.

    My pride is stopping me from blocking him now. I don't want to give off the impression that I'm still pining over him because I'm not. He's not a good person and I've mentally reached that conclusion but I'm still healing from the mind games.

    I feel like I came off as weak letting him walk all over me like that and he sees me as weak so he checks in to see if I'm still pining. I left him on read but I'm scared if I block right now I'll appear weaker and give him some kind of answer about me being bothered by the breakup still.

    If that makes sense

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I think the first thing that you need to do is stop calling yourself "stupid."

    From there, start to treat yourself with more respect.

    Second, you're doing the right thing by not responding.

    It's not uncommon for abused people to return to their abusers. You have to find ways to avoid that.

    Distract yourself from the guilt that you are feeling. It's misleading. You are not obligated to him.

    It will help you to block and delete him from social media and all forms of communication.

    Lose the pride. Why are you trying to impress him?

    You are torturing yourself by leaving the door open to communication.

  7. #6
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    I don’t think you are afraid of being seen as weak by blocking him, I think you don’t trust yourself to be strong enough to leave him blocked.
    Unblocking would appear you are pining for him and weak. That’s what you are actually afraid of right??

    Leave him on read if you wish , be strong by not replying. And block when you are ready to.
    Good luck!!

  8. #7
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    Not blocking shows your weakness. It makes it obvious you are sitting around waiting and hoping he contacts you.

    Don't do what you think HE wants. Do what's right and healthy for you.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You have to put your foot down and cut contact. You have to be disciplined.

    Get busy with your life and date a new guy even if you don't want to - it's good therapy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I echo what Jib said about dropping "stupid" being a first step. Try replacing that word with something more accurate—I'd suggest "human"—and step forward from there.

    I remember in your last thread, about your mother, you said you weren't interested in therapy because you don't believe in it. I'd really suggest rethinking that. In your posts about him, and about other things, you use a lot of language that comes from therapy: gaslighting, projection, emotional abuse, and so on. I'm not saying those diagnostic terms don't apply, but just that it's worth remembering where they come from—from experts who dedicate their lives to understanding this and helping people get through it.

    Without the experts we can end up using this terminology in an unhealthy manner—giving power to someone and a situation rather than taking that power back and finding it within, which I feel you're running the risk of doing in how you describe him and this situation. The reasoning behind not blocking, for instance: all that, as you said yourself, is basically pride and ego. Those things don't do anyone any favors, and those who are particularly driven by pride and ego might be wrestling with some undiagnosed issues of their own that a therapist can also help with.

    If your rationale for not blocking him is so you can "look strong" to him, for instance, you're still making your choices to please him rather than choices that empower yourself. Think about that for a moment. Whatever he thinks and feels right now should be meaningless compared to you giving yourself space to think clearly, to feel what you need to feel. Any steps toward that—blocking, therapy, yoga, whatever—are steps taken from a place of strength.

    That strength exists inside of you, right now. I think you just need a little professional help in finding it.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    I got out of this toxic relationship months ago. I was dumped out of the blue during a really rough time in my life with little explanation and no room to understand why or how. Dumped and instantly blocked. And then months later my ex would text me out of the blue just to see if I was still pining over him or whenever he needs emotional support.

    I was dumb enough to give it to him because I thought it being kind would remind him what he fell in love with before and I still cared about him but each time I would build him up and he'd be out the door again.

    I felt emotionally and spiritually pillaged after every encounter. He had taken the emotional support he needed and once he was whole I was discarded.

    I have to literally remind myself almost 6 times a everyday why he's not worth my time, why I should be glad he's gone.

    Now he's trying to do it again, he text me asking how I was and something is making me want to respond.

    A wishful part of me is like "what if he really loves me and he realized dumping was a mistake." But I know deep down he's only doing it because he wants someone to dump his sh*t on.

    This relationship was emotionally abusive and I'm struggling to heal my self and push forward. I was isolated from friends and family and I'm trying to rebuild my life but he keeps coming back and everytime he comes back, I let him in and he takes what he needs from me.

    How do I stop myself from this cycle? I didn't respond to the message. I don't know how to respond.
    You know the answer: block him.

    I suggest you reread your thread, over and over, then maybe it will sink in. You are to blame for allowing and enabling this crap behavior.

    I suggest seeing therapy to understand why you do not love or respect yourself.

    Now block him, and stop making excuses.

    Why are you isolated from loved ones?

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