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Thread: Mother in law refuses to like me and manipulates my wife

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Like I an a few others said, back off, stay away from her as best you can. When she comes over, go check the oil in your car or go down the basement and tinker, if you have one. You wont win this one.
    As much as I hate to admit it I think your right. I'd love to think my wife would put her foot down 100% but she's too soft when it comes to her mum and I have to admit I'm the same with my mum (luckily never had any issues with my mum she's too laid back) so yes I don't think I'll win this one either which if I'm being totally honest kind of gets to me a little as I'm 27 years old meaning I've got many many years of holding my tongue and dealing with her crap so it worries me a little as my MIL is the only person who can bring out the unhappy, bitter side of me and I don't like that she can get to me that much.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your wife seems to try to do the right thing, standing by you. However they're a family as strange as they are. The best thing is to let your wife deal with her and communicate with her mother.

    Be cordial about the grandchild and don't get into anything with the in-laws. Don't try to be friends with them or win their respect. Simply pull back and tolerate them when it comes to your child. Small minded people rarely change...that's what keeps them so small-minded

    Don't discuss this as much with your wife, no one wants choose between their spouse and parents. A few quick sessions with marital therapist could help even though your marriage is intact because the topic of in-laws is a very frequent complaint they may be able to give you a few tips about how to deal.

  3. #13
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Cj, it's her loss. You are the father of her grandchild. If she chooses to spend a lifetime being uncharitable to you, then to hell with her. Don't blame your wife for not taking more severe steps with her. I get the feeling that your wife has been dominated and browbeaten by this woman her entire life.

    She probably won't change, but you don't have to give her opportunities to insult you.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Cjpf23
    Unfortunately she still comes round my house (I've asked my wife to respect the fact that if her mum can't he civil and nice with me then I don't feel comfortable having her come into my home but that's one thing my partner won't do and makes me feel disrespected by my wife. If my mum couldn't get along with my wife them I wouldn't let her in my home and I'm sure most people would be the same
    So I like the idea of a few sessions with a marriage Councillor to iron out boundaries and being on the same page for how to handle this as a couple.

    What you wrote made me think of my parents, as my father's mom never did accept my mom. My dad took us to visit grandma at her home and it worked pretty well, at least we kids never heard mom and dad ever fighting about it. A few times grandma would try to get shots in about mom, but I remember my dad shutting that right down.

    I think it's fair if someone does not have respect for you, you should not have to navigate that in your home. And in return, you can go to some family gatherings.

    Just ideas.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Your MIL is judging you based upon your physical appearance. I'm sorry.

    Since your MIL is unavoidable, you'll have to swallow your pride, take the higher road, be the bigger person and never stoop down to her level. All you can do is behave with class even when your MIL or others don't have integrity. Have good manners and grace, however, avoid as much interaction as possible. Keep your verbal dialogues perfunctory at best and all conversations extremely BRIEF. Get busy and do something else whenever she's in your house. Learn to avoid and stay away. You can still remain polite while frosty and distant. This is what I do whenever I'm with people whom I do not like.

    Think of her as a co-worker whom you can't get rid of. Remain professional, diplomatic and exercise self-control always. Don't do, say, write nor send anything you'll regret later. Be careful and mindful. Be smart.

    Cease messaging her. You'll only get hurt as she continues to snub and ignore you. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment. Expect less of others down to nil. You won't get hurt anymore when you keep your expectations at zero.

    You can't change other people. All you can do is change yourself, change your trajectory, be in control of yourself and do the best you can under unpleasant, uncomfortable situations. Act dignified while you enforce healthy boundaries.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I suggest marriage counseling, too.

    If my in-laws disrespected me especially in MY house, they are permanently uninvited unless they change and I'm treated as if I matter.

  8. #17
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    I think you and your wife should seek some counselling together to strategize how to manage your MIL, her mom, and get your wife some tools to work with her mom in establishing boundaries and expected behavior. Part of me thinks she needs to tell her family that they need to accept her husband and be fully on board or they will never see her or their grandchild again. This would be unreasonable because she does not want to sever relations with her family, she simply wants them to treat you better. A majority of all of this is all on your wife and creating some boundaries and expectations, and she needs to be strong and have teeth and claws involved in this. If her family and her mom loves her and wants to keep her and their grandchild in the picture, they will make adjustments to their behavior towards you. Your wife will be running a huge risk because she doesn't want to lose her family, but if she puts her foot down and calls them out on their bad behavior and demands some civility, her mom and family could very well write her off. It's a tough pill to swallow.

    Personally, I would avoid these people like the plague, and I would absolutely refuse my child to spend time with these people due to the fact they are untrustworthy and will trash-talk me to my child. The wife can go hang out with the family and if they come over to my place, have a blast, while me and the kid go find someplace else to be. This strategy will cause huge conflict with your wife and create serious drama. This is why I think you should seek some counseling together on strategizing and working through this conflict. Their daughter loves you, married you, and produced a child with you, and you're pretty much a part of the picture long-term. Your MIL needs an attitude adjustment, and your wife needs some skills to create boundaries and acceptable behavior...both of you need to be on the same page as a united front, and you have to have the tools to support your wife and your union. A counselled or mediator can be helpful.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Sometimes this happens - your spouses' blood family does not like you. So what? Just steer clear of them. Suck it up man, and ignore them, give them the cold shoulder. Focus on your life and YOUR family, your wife, your life, and your goals.

    Look, life is not a cakewalk. Sometimes you have to not take certain aspects of life so seriously and just laugh it off. Otherwise, it will drive you nuts. Don't let it.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    What would I do in your shoes? If my partner was giving me an earful of what her mother was saying about me, I'd tell her I no longer want to hear about that toxic garbage. If her mother was in my home and being toxic in front of my child, I'd say, "It's inappropriate and upsetting for little Tommy to be around such negativity, so I'm taking him out to get ice-cream."

    Just as when two parents divorce and it's detrimental that they don't badmouth each other to the child, it's also detrimental that nobody else does this either. It's very confusing and upsetting to the child because he loves his parent.

    You can leave the room, but your child has to be exposed to this regularly. For that matter alone, I would insist on couples counseling. Perhaps with an impartial third party's advice, your wife will see that not putting a stop to this nonsense is hurting too many people. And if you don't think your wife's physical health will be affected by this over time, think again. The burden of this daily emotional stress might someday take it's toll on her body (cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, etc.)

    If she refuses to go to counseling, go yourself to show her the seriousness of the matter. You could also buy a book about dealing with toxic people and read aloud the chapters to each other. Take care and let us know how it goes.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I think the MIL is doing this to try & wear your Wife down to the point that she will divorce you.
    Your MIL sounds like a very nasty woman.

    I agree with the others, ask your Wife to tell you when your MIL is coming over & actually leave the house. It isnt an ideal situation, but it will help to diffuse some of the anger.

    I also agree with counselling to help your Wife with standing up to her Mother. This woman needs to be given boundaries

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