Just want to vent...

I don’t really like talking about my feelings with people because I feel like often times people ‘I think’ I can trust are dismissive of what I’m feeling. That’s why this post is mainly just to vent what I’ve been feeling since the beginning of this year.

I don’t even know where to start but I feel like I’ve slowly become numb and I don’t think it’s normal that I haven’t cried about my problems when I remember myself being an emotional and sensitive person years ago... I’d cry over something so small or anything that would just tug gently at my heart strings and now it takes a lot more than a tragedy to make me cry... Anyways, last year I was talking to a guy whom I had attended high school with (through social media) We had a great time talking - or at least that’s what I thought. He was the one who seemed like wanted a relationship with me (more than I did) and would call me ‘babe’ or ‘baby’ after only talking for about a month. We went on two dates and after that he just completely ghosted me.

I was okay with that, I mean I was obviously hurt but it was fairly easy for me to move on because we weren’t really dating. However, I thought it was because of my appearance. I thought that he just didn’t like me because I was ‘big’. So after that I decided to lose weight.

Flash forward to March 2019, I began my weight loss journey and from March to now I’ve managed to lose 25lbs. I want to be as honest as possible so most of that weight loss was because I’d starve myself or throw up my food. I KNOW that’s bad but I was THAT desperate. I know now that, that wasn’t the way I should’ve done things and I’ve corrected my mistakes since then.I’ve always been so insecure with the way I look. I’ve always felt ugly. I’ve always felt fat and I don’t want to put the blame on anyone but I feel like I’ve never felt good enough because the attention was never really on me and always on my siblings who were prettier and skinnier. I love my siblings and I don’t want to blame them but that’s just how I feel. I know it’s an evil thing to say and I feel disgusting for having this mentality but when you have people constantly trying to talk or get close to you (getting your hopes up) only because they want to get closer to your siblings - it just really makes you feel so worthless.

Over the months I’ve had guys want to talk to me or hang out with me but I just can’t bring myself to reply or keep a conversation going with these guys... It’s really not because I feel like I’m better than them or because I feel like I can do better... I don’t know what it is.

And I feel like it’s reflected on my relationships with friends too. I have very little friends and the very little friends I do have are lifelong friends. I’m 23 but these are people I’ve kept in my life for 7+ years. But I have this one male friend who I know really likes me. I don’t feel that way about him and he knows that. The thing is that I WANT to talk to him because he’s an amazing friend and he’s always been there for me but I can’t talk to him and give him false hope. I don’t want him to think ‘She’s being nice! It’s because she likes me too’ I don’t want that. It’s hard to softly ignore him because 1) I don’t want to and 2) I don’t want to hurt his feelings.

I’ve thought long and hard about it and I don’t like him romantically but I can’t help shake off that I enjoy talking to him because he’s the only person I want to talk to. It’s left me wondering if I’m just a shallow person who doesn’t like him because of his looks but it can’t be that because I think he’s very attractive but that’s not enough for me. Our relationship is quite complicated because I KNOW him and the way he is. I’ve liked him and he hasn’t liked me back, then he’s liked me and I haven’t liked him back. We’ve had that cycle go on for the 12 years I’ve known him. I also know that he tends to have crushes on different girls every other week. I can’t take his confessions seriously when he’s displayed behavior like that in the long time I’ve known him. Could it really be that I don’t want him as a boyfriend because I don’t think he’s boyfriend material? I don’t know what to do...

All my life I’ve always been in relationships with the same type of men. The first person I ever fell in love with cheated on me with a family member and also broke up with me after he slept with me. That was so painful for me. I lost my virginity to someone who I thought loved me too but left me feeling stupid after getting what he wanted. I was only 16.

The second person I loved strung me along for years, always promising me a relationship - but then always going back to an ex. When we finally were in a relationship everything seemed good but towards the end I found out he was a liar. He hid so many things from me and then got mad at me for breaking up with him. He has so many problems, he would go weeks without talking to me and it was just a lot to handle while being a senior in high school trying to graduate.

The third person I loved was a sweet talker but he was manipulative and narcissistic. He always made me feel like it was me and that I wasn’t putting in effort to make things work. It was always him first and it was always what he wanted.

Given my relationship history I feel like I have a type I’m attracted to, even without realizing it until I’m actually in a relationship with that person. I just don’t know what to do really... I don’t think I’m depressed but at times I feel so sad and so lonely. I constantly ignore the only people trying to reach out to me and I don’t know why I let this self destructive behavior continue. The only person I WANT to talk to is the only person I can’t talk to. I feel like my head might just explode because of how constantly I think about all of this.

I know this post is all over the place but I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of what I’ve just wrote. Thank you for hearing me out. I truly appreciate you, whoever you are.

You need to cut off the fake friendship you have with this guy you know likes you. He is a friend with an agenda.

Doesn’t make him a bad person , just someone wanting more and “there for you” but only because he wants more from you.

Stop being selfish here and let him go! ???

Have you sought therapy and a nutritionist?

You cannot continue the friendship, if you know likes you. It will end badly, with hurt feelings.

What are you doing to meet new friends? Have you tried looking into groups online that share your hobbies, Volunteering, Meetups etc...?

Please seek therapy!

What you're lacking is other friends. Friends who have no idea who this guy is, or who any other people in your life are. New friends.

You're 23? What are you doing now....school, working? You'll have to pull yourself out of your current comfort zone and meet some new people, to expand your mind.

Since you know you want to lose weight, but you now recognize that you want to do it in a healthy way, look for groups in your area that align with that: yoga, CrossFit, nutrition groups, etc. You can find a lot of these on meetup, and many are free. People in similar situations as you, and likely have very similar feelings. The starve/binge/vomit cycle is a desperate reaction, is only a short-term solution, and as you know, can be very dangerous.

Seems like you've suffered low self-esteem, allowing yourself to be hurt repeatedly, because you probably don't realize your worth. For that, you need deep-dive counseling, to get at the root of it. Look for counselors in your area who specialize in self-esteem issues, and find a therapist who can let you vent, and can guide you to a good path. psychologytoday.com is a good place to start.

I think you owe it to yourself to get yourself into personal therapy so that you learn to love you, you learn how to nurture your inner child and you gain the self-worth you need to keep yourself confident and free of the negative mindset you are currently stuck in.

Please do something for YOU and get working with a counsellor you trust and can gel with. someone who can help you get to the bottom line of why your self-esteem isn't up to par. You will be glad you did.

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