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Thread: Boyfriend going through a separation broke up with me

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I say two, for good measure. I've heard of many many relationships that have failed with the person only being out of the marriage one year.

    People start missing their spouse, they start feeling sad, they haven't processed. So much stuff.
    Agree with the bolded, very much. These days, in early conversations with a guy, I bring it up and work into the conversation when the marriage ended (at my age, most have been married), and how many years since the actual divorce. I do this in a conversational way, rather than interrogating, as I tell them my story as well. I do work my way out of the situation if it's under a couple of years.

    I had one guy last year that I really liked, who was fully divorced for a year, but he seemed to bring up his ex a lot. I didn't think there were any feelings there, but it was obvious, when I just let him talk, that there were still feelings of some sort, not feelings of love, but just.....feelings.

    So after a few dates of this, I told him that it wasn't the right time for us, and I backed away.
    He texted me the answer that I had been looking for all along: He said that he was hoping that, since he thought I was so pretty, that he could make his ex jealous. Yep, he said that. I thanked him for his honesty, and I never spoke to him again.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    but once I went into a group counseling, where this one guy said to me "You were his life raft", it clicked.
    I think that's a great analogy: life raft.

    It perfectly explains away the intensity of his affections for you.

    Who wouldn't absolutely love to see a life raft while treading water in the middle of a lonely ocean?

    Who wouldn't LOVE to be with the a life raft and hold on for... well.... dear life?

    Would you ever let go of your life raft when you were floating aimlessly in the middle of the ocean? No way!!

    But oh, I think I see land up ahead.....

  3. #13
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    Actually, the Life Raft analogy came from a guy who was going through divorce himself.

    The group I had joined was a "Divorce Support" group. Even though mine was "just" a relationship breakup, not a marriage one, they accepted me.

    So everyone in the group was going through divorce (except me), and this guy said that people so often try to springboard into a new relationship, helping them forget what they're going through. He looked at me, while I was crying, and said, "You're his life raft", and I went.....ding ding ding.....

    OP, I know you're thinking....but this isn't us! None of this applies, we were perfect together. I think in time, you'll see. Hopefully, you'll save your Enotalone account, and you'll come back to this thread in a year and re-read it. It helps me to read my old threads, as I now see them the way the responders did.

  4. #14
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Sorry about that.

    What you have described is a man on the rebound, and you were the rebound woman. People can be on the rebound for years.
    I guess there’s just some hope that one day he might come back and be ready. Does that ever happen?
    - I know you don't want to hear this, but usually not - only in the movies. In real life, you normally get one chance per person at love. Once the love dies it's gone forever. And he just was not a candidate when you got involved. You were just a nice diversion for his pain.

    Get involved with your life and dating and with time, this pain will pass. Take care.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    I was going to say the same...this guy is on a rebound.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. You did the right thing ending it.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry you're going through this, marshmallow.

    I don't share the same hard rules as some here when it comes to the feasibility of building something longterm with someone who is separated, though I agree with the sentiment as it applies to your story. At the end of the day I think the first six months of any relationship is incredibly fragile, no matter how strong it feels. Hot can turn to cold, warm to chilly, with little warning because (a) you're very much still learning who a person is and (b) very much still learning if you two genuinely work well together. That is the forever risk in these matters. To walk those steps with someone who is separated—well, it is just a riskier walk than most.

    One very hard thing to try to accept as you process this: that the very qualities that have made this unsustainable are also the qualities that made it possible. In other words, the story that he may return when he's "ready," or even that this didn't work because he isn't "ready," is a dangerous story to tell. Soothing, yes, but less accurate than the story that you two "worked," for as long as you did, precisely because he was not "ready."

    He was ready, after all—for something that lasted a few months, and could only go so deep. Separated, divorced, single for a decade, whatever—when someone tells you on day one that they weren't looking for a relationship it means they are someone who is not looking for a relationship. That would be my takeaway, in your shoes, not a new subscription to the school of only dating divorcees who are a year out from signing on the dotted line.

    Because whatever they may add to that "no looking" qualifier ("But then I met you...." etc.) does not negate that, or very rarely does. So I'd say the risky path walked was not directly connected to someone still separated, but to someone who explicitly mentioned not wanting to be in a relationship. I've been on both sides of that equation, with my deepest heartache coming in your shoes, and it certainly has made me less tuned into the caveats than the hard truths that people present to us early.

    Anyhow, I remember your last post, which is to say I remember your sharp mind and warm heart. This moment doesn't change those things, painful as it is. I think you've made the right choice, and I hope you can keep stepping forward—into a new chapter, and away form this one, while feeling everything you need to feel about this one.

  9. #18
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Hi marshmallow107, Chin up lady.

    I'm sorry you're broken. As hard as it is to hear, he's not over his ex and won't be for a long time. You were just someone to tide him over. He's still an emotional basket case, ruminating over his marriage, how / why it went awry and his very stressful divorce. Unfortunately, his head and heart aren't with you; it's still with his ex.

    He has a lot of baggage; mental baggage, that is.

    I doubt he is for you because he's still very mentally unstable and shaky.

    You deserve a man who doesn't have strings to his past. Focus on a wonderful man who isn't divorced, very single and can give more than 100% to your heart and soul.

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