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Thread: Afraid of Loving a Good Man?

  1. #1
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Afraid of Loving a Good Man?

    Let's jump right in shall we?

    Those who frequent this site knows that my love life have been a mess.. for years actually. I usually fall for some man who's really not interested in me or I am dealing with a dull relationship with no passion. Actually, just recently I was infatuated with an older man who couldn't care less about me and I got over that once the rose colored haze faded away.

    Here's the deal now. There have been a few men at work who have been flirting and trying to get my attention and I don't allow them to have my time. There is this one guy who wasn't flirting with me, he was very casual and asked for my time. Fast forwarding a bit here (trying to make this brief, I type this while I'm at work), I am not head over hills in lust or heavily infatuated with this man, but I am really liking who he is as a person. When we go out, he is chivalrous. He's traditional and will not allow me to pay or split the bill. He's smart as heck and brings challenging debates/topics to the table. We have been so casual that we openly talked about relationship dynamics. So I am slowly but surely getting an idea of what he expects out of a relationship.. naturally? Is that even possible? A few dates/weeks go by, and we have gotten closer, kind of quickly to be honest. I have slept over a few nights before work, no sex. But he will get up and cook for me and tell me that I can't go to work hungry. It's like he can read my mind, he's very intuitive and he basically tells me what I am thinking. He's also very take charge/ direct , which is a super plus in my book. He invited me out to hang out with his friends, but I was feeling shy so I declined. He left his friends early that night to be with me.

    Fast forward again. We kissed, there was some heavy "petting" and hugs thrown into the mix of things. His demeanor and speech has shifted towards a more romantic approach. I am starting to get butterflies the more we go on... BUT I just recently found out that he was with his ex for about 3 years but things slowly broke off after she rejected his proposal. He said that he could see the writing on the wall and he's not going to stay around anywhere he's not wanted. That was just 2 months ago.. that made me feel like I was a rebound.. He claims that he emotionally shut himself off from her during the last moments of their relationship and I'm not a "rebound". We're starting to have heavier uncomfortable talks about love. He's starting to get more serious about me. We spend a lot of time together. He has shown me things like his PERFECT credit score (816). Offered to fix my car, he's a handy man around the house. But I know he doesn't want his time wasted, and he's so smart, that I'm not sure if I can keep up with him. I asked on a drunken night what attracted him to his ex, he said that she was pretty and that she was also brilliant and they loved how deep their convos could go. Don't know why I asked, I know that's a "no-no", it made me feel bad. At times, I can add to intellectual debate, other times, I am a deer in the headlights wondering what the heck he's talking about. 10 year age gap, if that means anything. He's a competent potential partner, but I feel my doubts and insecurities creeping in and I am starting to distance myself a bit. Am I wrong?

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Stop. Just stop. You're trying to sabotage this potentially wonderful relationship.

    Yes, the rebound thing is a bit of a problem, but you both need to slow down. You haven't been going out with him for that long. Stop thinking long term. Enjoy each other's company and see where it leads. Stop worrying about whether you're as brilliant as his ex. You seem very intelligent and articulate.

    What's the rush?

  3. #3
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Stop. Just stop. You're trying to sabotage this potentially wonderful relationship.

    Yes, the rebound thing is a bit of a problem, but you both need to slow down. You haven't been going out with him for that long. Stop thinking long term. Enjoy each other's company and see where it leads. Stop worrying about whether you're as brilliant as his ex. You seem very intelligent and articulate.

    What's the rush?

    He's a heavy romantic who puts a lot of emphasis on falling in love. That kind of scares me especially after the marriage rejection. He says that "there is nothing gained from nothing ventured". I think he wants love, but maybe I'm just filling the void.

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just because you enjoyed one aspect of a relationship with a former partner, doesn't mean you expect the same from a present partner. My ex husband and I shared a love of reading, but I don't care that my present-day husband doesn't like to read. There are plenty of other people in my life I can talk to about that.

    Your lack of self esteem is showing here, and it's probably the reason you subconsciously chose dysfunction in the past. It's what you thought you deserved. And then when a person is good to you, it feels "off" because subconsciously you don't think you're worthy of that.

    Like Sarah Lancaster said, just enjoy the here and now of what is good company. On top of that, read articles and/or books on how to boost your self esteem so that you will attract, and be attracted to, the right person for you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    He's a heavy romantic who puts a lot of emphasis on falling in love. That kind of scares me especially after the marriage rejection. He says that "there is nothing gained from nothing ventured". I think he wants love, but maybe I'm just filling the void.
    Just take it one day at a time and see what happens after the honeymoon period ends and reality sets in. Every relationship is a risk, so only time will tell. I wouldn't throw this one away right now because of the "what ifs."

  7. #6
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Your lack of self esteem is showing here, and it's probably the reason you subconsciously chose dysfunction in the past. It's what you thought you deserved. And then when a person is good to you, it feels "off" because subconsciously you don't think you're worthy of that.

    How sad is that? You hit the nail on the head Adrina. Yes, it does feel odd to have someone who genuinely wants my time. Someone who actually seems to care. I'm kind of afraid to open up at this point because I don't want to be looking more into it if I'm just a temporary band aid for him.

  8. #7
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    He sounds like a great guy IMHO.

    You haven't been dating long. Give the guy a chance if you want him to prove himself to you.

    Give it time. Everything is beautiful in the beginning. Evaluate his character as you get to know him better during the next several months. Then decide if he's the one for you.

  9. #8
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    It's true that many people after a breakup are on the rebound and not ready to love another yet. If you date a person like this, the risk is high they will break up with you out of the blue and break your heart.

    But his relationship was only 3 years and some people have a very short rebound period or none at all.

    Otherwise, I see no problems. Having a rocket scientist for a partner is a good problem to have!

    If you decide to keep dating him, watch for flaky behavior that may suggest he's on the rebound. When it comes to dating and relationships, listen to your gut. Your heart and your head are lairs.

  10. #9
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    I wouldn't touch him with a pole. Two months is nothing after a relationship where he proposed. You're gonna get hurt, I say step away.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All you have to do is pace yourself and protect your heart and mind. If he isn't what he seems that will clear up, not from what he says or doesn't say, but from time getting to know him better and keen observation.

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