Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 23

Thread: Finally found the one but I'm terrified

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    94

    Finally found the one but I'm terrified

    My EnotAlone posts have been a story of how I have grown from past relationships. Thanks guys for helping me on this journey of finding a meaningful relationship...

    This story is different to the rest. I feel that I should fill you guys in on every detail so please excuse the long story...

    Met this girl at a local club. Shes 22 I am 26. I never really take girls I meet in a club seriously but this was different. I was celebrating a friends birthday. She was there cause she hadnt been in her home town in 5 years and wanted to have fun since she wasnt old enough to go to that club 5 years ago. She was leaving the next day. She was with her friend and her friends boyfriend. She also says she never entertains guys in clubs but there was something different about me.

    So when she first walked in I was standing by the counter getting drinks for mates, she then went straight to the counter to get drinks as well. Ironically I was more interested in her friend the first time but she was closer to me (in proximity) than the friend. I talked to her in order to get her and her friend to join us, then I would later talk to the friend... that was the plan. I talked to her and they agreed to join us later. Later came and I see the friend's bf joining them and suddenly they dont join us and instead sit at a different table.

    I later saw a mutual friend approach their table. When the mutual friend left their table, I approached him and asked him about the situation with the 3 people (her , her friend and the 1 guy). He said that that guy is dating the one I was interested in and the other one is free (and has no company). After a few mintues I decided to approach their group to keep the other one company but I only did it as a plan B, I was more interested in her friend.

    I approached the group and started talking to her. We had a nice conversation and I took her number. I later left her and joined my friends. Before she left, she came to say bye to me and that was it for the night. At that point I was significantly more attracted to her than earlier in the night. The next day she left town. She studies in a city where I spend most of my weekends. So 2 days later I was in her city and we went for our first date... wow was I shocked when I saw her, that for some reason I was seeing her in a completely different light


    After seeing her about 3 times after the first time we met I asked her if she was dating anyone, she said she didnt have a bf but there is someone that shes talking to and has been talking to him for about 2 months. I asked her why they havent dated and she said she feels he's too imature for her. I decided to tell her that my intention with her is to be in a serious relationship and she should let me know if im wasting my time. She told me shes not one to jump into relationships and thus we should just see where it takes us.

    We have been in significant communication and seeing each other since then, we have kissed a few time. We even went on a double date once with her friend (whom I was first attracted to in the club) and I must say choosing the friend over her the first time would have been the worst choice of my life.

    Howeverer I suspect that shes still communicating with a few other guys because when we are together shes on her phone alot and there was once a time I tried to meet her on a Sunday and she said she was busy (She had never reacted like that before). I dont question her much about these things because Im also taking into account that shes young and that Im relatively new...

    I took a 1 year break from dating after breaking up with my ex (who wants me back by the way) and it has helped me with my intimacy issues and introspection. I am 26 and I have never felt like this for a girl in my life. I would really admit that Im in love with this girl and shes my first love. I am terrified!

    The fact that shes still communicating with other guys (not neccessarily on a friendly note) makes me anxious everytime. I know I have no right to since we havent made things official. She always ends the convos when we chat by text, which always leaves me disappointed. However she does answer her calls and we talk for long. She does most of the talking when we are face to face. I will be with her this coming weekend again. I should be happy and enjoying this moment but im so scared cause I constantly have thoughts of her being intersted in someone else. I know she likes me but I have this fear that Im not the only one she likes... From the convos we have it seems like she does see a future with me and her friend has even gone as far as teasing us saying she needs to start saving for a marriage outfit (i get along really well with her best friend)

    I get very anxious when she doesnt answer calls and when she constantly checks her phone. How can I approach this relationship in a way that can help me be patient, composed and relaxed? I really think shes the one for me and Im willing to fight for her

    Regards

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    112
    Getting too attached too early is my weakness too (hence my current thread!) so I'll let other people give advice on most the things you've said (it wouldn't be right for me to give advice on something that I'm pretty crap at myself!).

    Something I definitely would do though is keep the communication balanced. I'd end some text chats myself first (rather than "She always ends the convos when we chat by text"). After a few minutes text chat, I'd say 'listen I'd love to keep chatting but I've got some stuff I need to get done, I'll catch up with you later" - let her wonder what you're up to, rather than being always available. Same with the phone calls. Or drop her a text just before you start playing a sports fixture (or something where you're not going to be checking your phone for 2 or 3 hours) so that when she replies, she doesn't get a reply back from you for several hours (just because you're busy doing what you're doing)
    I know some people might say 'oh you shouldn't play text games' but I do think you have to keep a balance and an equilibrium in the communication and not be constantly available to someone.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2019
    Posts
    13
    Without knowing the past stories you sound exactly like me from a few years ago. Not that I've changed much as my thread shows.

    Anyway, I can give out advice even though I don't follow it myself: Channel how you're feeling into presenting yourself as her best option, so she won't even want to be interested in anyone else. If you let her know, subliminally or otherwise, that you're already getting jealous and worried about who else she decides to talk to, that's going to be a pretty big turn-off for most people.

    The anxiety part, wish I could help you there but I haven't found a remedy to date. But coming across as in any way demanding/controlling would be about the worst thing you could do.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    94
    Iv thought of doing this but from past experience playing games like that is actually being dishonest about how you are and what you would like...

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    94
    Defintely... something else Iv learnt from my journey. I avoid telling her what to do. When she told me she was busy I didnt ask any more details I just got on with life. I actually stopped speaking to her after that day because I knew she was with someone else. She had to start the convos again...

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Land of Wind & Ghosts
    Posts
    1,340
    She's seeing other guys and rejected you for a date. Plus, a couple of kisses is nothing. If it was looking good, you two would be making out by now. She sounds like a serial dater.

    Being willing to fight for somebody who won't fight for you is a waste. For her to be the one, she needs to like you back - a lot.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    94
    We have made out...but thanks for the response mate

  9. #8
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    May 2019
    Posts
    348
    You know what.......to heck with rules and such. Go with your gut! Tell her how you feel (be reserved about it, but honest). As a woman who is in the dating world, I appreciate that honesty and it actually makes a man more attractive to me! If she is not in to it, then she will tell you. And, if she is seeing other people, she should tell you that, as well. You will have to decide if she is worth that wait.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,442
    Gender
    Male
    I think you're struggling a bit to keep your feet on the ground as your head floats into the clouds.

    The reality here is that you hardly know this person, have met a few times, and so a lot of the big stuff you're feeling—the idea of love, that she's the person for you—are more products of your imagination than your connection. It's important to remember that, so you have space to explore the wonderful thing in front of you (a compelling human being) rather than operating from the standpoint of trying to corral that human being into being the wonderful thing in your imagination.

    That's not to negate what you're feeling, the reality of those feelings, the connection here, or the potential for it to expand into something rich and wonderful. It's just about being respectful of the whole context—of reality over fantasy—and to the fact that these things take time. Real time. Months and months, not three dates and few make-out sessions. When after months and months you find the feelings you have right now are still there, and still expanding, then you (start to) know they are less a product of your imagination than of a connection you are building together.

    Everyone, of course, has different needs when it comes to being able to explore a new connection that is generating big feelings—to surrender to time without going into conniptions. Some need space, some need labels, and so on. Neither is right or wrong; it's about finding someone who sees things as you do. So, if the idea of her dating others right now is too much, there is a way to express that calmly, out of respect for both of you. You say something like, "Hey, I am so enjoying getting to know you, seeing where this can go, and taking it all slowly. Thing is? I've realized I can't continue to fully open up in the way I'd like if we're both still exploring other options. I'm just not built like that, and since meeting you I have no interest in exploring anything else. I understand that you might not be on the same page..."

    Or some such. She will respond...however she responds. If she's not on the same page, great. If not? Also great, since what you ultimately want is a connection with someone being built on a foundation that works for both parties, and in that moment you learn you are on different levels and/or need things that the other can't provide in order to explore the connection. Yeah, the fantasy goes away, but the point here is not to water a fantasy but to explore the much wilder thing that is reality.

  11. #10
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    94
    Thanks so much. I needed this. Ill be reading this daily to keep reminding myself.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •